Yes very whimsical and amusing poem. I could easily see this being the lyrics for a song. Just one little critique really for you. I noticed that sometimes you ended your lines with a . or a , but other times you did not. It is my experience in poetry that every line must be treated like a sentence or at least a thought. Therefore all lines must end with some kind of punctuation. Other than that nice work and do keep writing.
I know that you had a limit on the words but maybe you could reduce on the back and forth instead. Some of the big words kind of seem overwhelming and unnecessary. Also on the same note sometimes use of contractions disrupt the mood of a piece. For example instead of putting we're different people I think saying we were different people would sound better.
Otherwise great work! I like the scene building and the subtle descriptions. Keep up the good work.
Wonderful short story! It sucked me in instantly! I love how you reflected Doyle's style. I noticed a few little errors which I trust are simple ones.
I arrived at the ward and was greeted by a short, robust-looking man with wild red hair, puffy lips, and bifocals who I soon learned was named Jonathan Rigby.- I think this could be two sentences.
"His eyes pierced me to my soul, I must confess."-I think this sentence might sound better reversed.
I am not sure why but the following is lacking in proper spacing:
“And why do you think they believe that?” I said.
“Why, because of whom I claim to be, dear fellow.”
“And whom do you claim to be?”
This sentence I believe could be broken up. Maybe explain the looks on his face or something. : Soon after, to his credit, he recovered his composure and his manner became docile again.
“Not what, Dr.” - This should be Doctor.
“"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive,” he said.
The old gentleman stared wide-eyed at him, his mouth open, and he laid his palm across his chest.- Here there is a double " and again a spacing error.
Still a very good story though and wonderfully written!
Very interesting work. I loved how the words just flowed in a tasteful, yet arousing way. I was a little thrown off by how it started out rhyming but then stopped though. Overall though it was a very good piece.
Love it!!!! Beautiful flow and great tale. I wanted to let you know that I have taken your advice about dragons in my own work Sheep in Wolves Clothing and I hope to have an improvement to show you in the next few days.
Cute! Loved it! Did you mean to put two periods at the end of the second line in the second verse? That must be a typo. Other than that you have a great creative mind that should not go unnoticed. I know that there are children's book contests all the time. I have thought of trying to write something for one but I just can't write a children's book. You, however seem to have that talent and I think you should submit this.
On another note I do hope to get my sample of Sheep in Wolves Clothing ready for you to read in the next few days. I am however living from day to day so I cannot promise to get it done.
I decided for this week's reviews I would review the people that reviewed my own work. I have to say that I love your writing! This poem flows beautifully and I felt I could easily slip into the character's feelings. But then... about half way through the flow changes a bit and I felt almost uncomfortable continuing. Maybe that was your intention. If so then it was done very well.
I hope to have my sample ready for you to read again in the next few days, although I am still going from one day to the next.
The sentence "Years ago his wife left and his children stopped visiting him." I understand why it is there, but still seems a little out of place. Maybe you should add another sentence related to this sentence to help it flow better.
Also I am sure this is just a typo "Her outstretched hand pressed the card into his palm before he could escape.." take out the extra period.
A little tip I would like to share with you that I had never thought of before. Unless the story is literally in past tense, like a memory or dream, try to refrain from using the word "was" You will be amazed at how much more depth your work has when you try to remove that word.
Loved the feeling this piece portrays. You definitely have talent, keep it up.
Loved it!!!! Beautiful. Only thing I thnk you could change and its so small you probably dont need to. The -- at the end, I am not sure if it is needed. Do you have more work, this one is beautiful!
Deep! I like this and I have to honestly say I have only one suggestion. I think it would flow a little better if the line: "Sure it has been very hard" was written, "Sure it's been very hard"
Very nice start. I can see this being a great story. There are a few things I would like to point out that could use a little help. For one in the first part of the story the character's name is spelled Daila and then later it is Dahlia. I am sure this is just a slip. Also the sentence, "She fell hard for his baby blues, his unruly blond waves, his carefree smile." Is a list so it should have an "and" at the end of it.
This paragraph seems a bit awkward. "Why, Dahlia caught many interested glances thrown her way, right there at the restaurant they lunched at. Tara didn't, she was the blah frame to Dahlia's Mona Lisa." Maybe some rewording or even adding more to the paragraph would make it better.
A common mistake that people make is the placing of the word "now" Most of the time it is used as a filler word and is actually unnecessary. Read the following sentence out loud, first the way it is and then without the word now. Then you will hear what I mean. "After the funeral, at the grand reception held in her husband's memory, Dahlia thought of the exciting things she could now do with her fresh-earned freedom."
Much like the above suggestion the word well in the following sentence seems out of place try it out and see what you think.
"He'd loved her well and she'd loved him back, but it was time to move on."
Great start though! Keep writing!
Beautiful! Just remember when you write a poem be sure to use punctuation all the time. Each line should end in some kind of punctuation weather it be a period, a comma, or a semicolon. Other than that simple fix I loved it. I love the rain too :P
Wonderful! I love your writing style. Usually I get anoyed when someone spends an entire paragraph describing something that seems unecessary to the story but you tied it back in with the look of the husband after death. In my humble opinion I think you could probably reword "She remembered that morning when she told her husband of her affair all those years ago; how she had wrenched the words out of herself like a sinner in the confession box; how he had suddenly appeared frail, vulnerable and beat, like a priest that had lost his faith." So that it is a few sentences and not just one long one. Other than that I think this turned out great! Is there more?
I am a little confused as to what this is about. The words are great but they seem to muddle up what is really going on. Maybe try to reduce the word count without taking away the intensity could help. Keep up the good work though. Keep the GPs.
Wonderful letter! Although, I did see some sentences that are run on and some misplaced Commas as well. However I do not feel it is right to critique a personal letter. If you truly want to me too I am happy to, just let me know. Keep the GPs. :D
Very nice! I love dark poems and this one, while it isn't exactly a dark poem it seems to pull you into it. I can feel the emotion and the closeness that the speaker had with the subject. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I appreciate what you are doing. Maybe to make it more of a poem and less of a list it might be a good idea to add some colorful words. Very interesting information though did not know that they can secrete a red sweat. Keep up the good work though and keep writing!
Completed Weekly reviews, forgot to associate with the group for the blog though.
[Link to Review #3667100]
[Link to Review #3667097] also reviewed one of his entries [Link to Review #3667093]
[Link to Review #3667087]
[Link to Review #3667078]
[Link to Review #3667076]
[Link to Review #3667074]
I'm still new, so I am not sure if I did that right. Preview doesn't look promising.
Very interesting and intriguing. Just reading this I want to know more about the speaker and what it is he is all about. I have to tell you I am very critical when I read this but I can honestly find nothing to offer you to make it any better. It's perfect! Keep up the good work.
All in all it is not a bad story. I could really relate to the character and the chaos had an amusing comedy to it. However I felt like you were rushing through the story. I can imagine you reading it to me rushing through your sentences with hardly a breath. During the parts where the chaos peaked I could see where this adds to the feelings but at the down times in the story I felt like it was not necessary for the story to be rushed.
The idea seems like a great story. However I had a very hard time getting through all of the descriptive words. I had a hard time reading this because I felt bogged down in each sentence. Sure using descriptive words is necessary to help the reader understand but I feel that you have used far to many words which made me lose interest fast.
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