A SilverQuill WDC Power Review. This review of Hourglass written by Jim Dorrell was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
There was much thought put into this poem. I Would normally not consider shaping a piece of work in such a way, but you made it fit and it works. Well done!
I enjoyed the content of the poem also. It held my attention well.
I like this passage in particular:
We feel the grains draining away
Some age nicely, some decay
Until one day, we look
See all we forsook.
And cry.
I didn't notice any grammatical errors or misspellings.
Thank you for posting this work here. I enjoyed reviewing it and look forward to reading more of your work someday.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author, The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A SilverQuill WDC Power Review. This review of Artysoul (1)'s short story titled, "Dissatisfied hunger", was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I enjoyed your short story. I felt it had a bit of an awkward beginning but beyond that I was drawn in. I'm glad I read to the end.
I think your beginning can be fixed by combining thoughts and eliminating unnecessary words. I've used your first paragraph as an example below.
Hunger-Greed stalked the universe looking for a perfect host not bothered by cleanliness, one with low self-esteem and preferably without moral impediments. It found one planet where hosts could be had at random, giving little resistance and susceptible to Hunger-Greed’s sinuous, evil whispers in their minds. It stalked one of earth’s inhabitants relentlessly, knowing that capitulation was certain and resistance futile; it could spread at random without opposition.
In this example, I've reduced your word count from 96 to 68 words without taking away from your story. These are some things a professional editor would look for. My suggestion is to go through your story and do the same with each paragraph.
I was able to visualize your scene, character and action in my mind as your story unfolded. I even forgot it was a dream for a short time. I felt I was invisibly there with the homeless man, feeling his fear.
I didn't notice any mechanical errors. There were no misspellings that I noticed but one word, tickling, I think needs an (r). A little more editing will uncover other things.
Thank you for sharing this short story. I very much enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Please feel free to visit my portfolio at any time.
Sincerely,
VGray
aka, Silver Quill
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Andrew's Poem, "Bolshy Droogs" was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I have to say, this is a most unusual poem. I like the first lineespecially. I get more sense out of it and I think it's stronger if It were in a regular poetry format. For example:
Bottle caps and baseball bats with nails aligned-
they're a sign
of television decisions
leaking through manicured revisions
of sand.
And I cannot stand
to hear their cries like howls
from their bowels
wrenched in pain.
Their hands stained or maimed
by the lies
the size of the blood-red skies
that laminate their world-worn and youthless, abandoned eyes.
It is your poem and I only have suggestions to offer.
Otherwise, I find no fault in spelling or grammar.
Thank you for sharing this poem. It was an enjoyable read. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Kleo's story, Scintillant- Chapter One was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I am impressed! The thought of a snake race would never have entered my mind. This reader was hooked in the beginning when the Cobra was chosen for the race. I was there, on the back of the cobra experiencing it all. Well done!
I did not notice any mechanical errors, errors in spelling, or punctuation.
Thank you for sharing this work. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it.
Please feel free to visit my portfolio at anytime.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Steven Thomas', Shared Memories or Inside Voices was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I like ghost stories so it was a real pleasure to dive into this one. It appears to me that your main character is "haunted". that might even be a good title. I felt sorry for him, as a little boy, when he had his first encounter with the ghost through the baby moniter.
I would suggest starting your story with the second paragraph. I think it grabs the reader better.
There were no mechanical errors that jumped out at me. Spelling and punctuation are good.
It was a pleasure to read and review your story. I hope I get a chance to read the finished item.
Please visit my portfolio anytime.
Sincerely, "image:1578663}
VGray,
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Andrew's, "46th and Stockholm." was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I enjoyed this story. The author does a good job with the beginning and drawing the reader into the story. I like the twist of the clerk getting the better of them and the discovery of the young girl in the back of the store. Unexpected events and people make for a good story. Your main character came across to me as basically a good person, not wanting his actions or influence to harm anyone else.
Your writing is tightly organized and full of good detail. I pictured the scene in my mind and even felt sorry for the robber getting himself and his brother into the situation.
There were few errors in this piece. Well done.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
Please feel free to visit my portfolio at any time.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray,
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Donovan's short story, "Big Bad Wolf", was requested, .
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I enjoyed this story. Your characters are well developed, your story is well written and easy to follow and you draw your reader into the story. The fight scene with the wolf was very descriaptive. I can't blame the girl for disappearing at the end. Between the creature she was fleeing and the heroes that rescued her, nothing was normal. Ha!
There were no mechanical errors that I saw. Punctuation and grammar are good. I did see some spelling errors, only a few and only in the later part of the story that probably hasn't been edited as much. There was one instance that you used too instead of to. Again, a slip, as you used it correctely just a few lines down.
Thank you so very much for sharing this story with us. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it.
Please feel free to visit my portfolio any time.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray,
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Big Bad Wolf's, Warcraft versus starcraft interview was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I enjoyed this interview. Your writing is clear, detailed, and tightly organized, which enabled me to visualize the scene in my mind. You dialogue is natural. I felt that I was on the set watching in person. Your ending is well done. It made me laugh.
I saw no mechanical mistakes, punctuation or grammatical errors. I did notice a couple of spelling errors.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I enjoyed it very much.
Please feel free to visit my portfolio at any time.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
This is a Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Itchy Water's poem, Infinite Love, was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor or poet. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I had no trouble reading and understanding this poem as it carried me along. But I felt that I was on the outside looking in and I got squimish thinking of a corpse thinking thoughts of love and looking at it's lover with desire.
To my eye there were no mechanical errors, no mistakes in spelling, punctuation and Grammar except possibly here:
But together we are
Forever our souls meshed as one
I might have written it this way:
But, together we are forever
Our souls meshed as one
T.S. Eliot wrote, "No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job."
Although free verse requires no meter, rhyme or other traditional techniques, a poet can still utilize them to create some sense of structure. A clear example of this can be found in Walt Whitman's poems, where he repeats certain phrases and uses commas to create both a rhyme and structure.
Thank you for sharing this poem. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Please feel free to visit my portfolio at any time.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A VGray WDC Power Review. This review of Ryan Kim's "Hide and Seek" was requested by my group WDC Power Reviewers as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
This was an enjoyable read. I felt I was there as the characters discussed the game rules in what appeared to be a natural conversation. I like the way the plot unfolded and the way the reader discovers that the person has died.
To my eye there are no mechanical, spelling or punctuation errors in this work. Word choices, phrasing and rythem of the sentence structures are very good.
Thank you for sharing this item with us. I will look forward to reading more of your work.
Please feel free to visit my portfolio any time.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A VGray WDC Power Review. This review of Ally's poem, "A Guide" was requested by my group WDC Power Reviewers as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!
Hi, Ally
I'm not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
I enoyed your poem and I look forward to reading more of your work. It is a tightly organized and well written work. I felt I was there, watching as child carefully opened the door to see the cat. I had no problem getting the point of the poem.
To my eye, there were no mechanical errors and no errors in spelling and grammar.
Thank you for sharing this piece with us. It was a pleasure to read and to review. Feel free to visit my portfolio and read some of my work any time.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
A Silver Quill, WDC Power Review. This review of Andrew's poem, "Eggs With Bacon and a Side of Toast" was requested.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader and lover of words.
The first stanza, where the oil swells with sadness and the second, being upset that the yellow broke while the egg cooked I could identify with. The third stanza was confusing. "rocks that sit at the bottom of my lungs."
This poem reminded me of a poem I myself wrote a couple of years ago. "Frying Green tomatoes." I'm glad to know that I am not the only one who enjoys a fun poem.
Sincerely, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
Your story, Whisper of a Name, kept me on the edge of my seat as it swept me along. I was able to see the characters in my mind.
I found no mechanical errors and no mistakes in spelling, punctuation or grammar. Your word choices, phrasing and rythem of sentences are excellent in my eye.
I love the way your story unfolded, revealing the surprise ending. I felt I was there.
Well done. Keep writing.
Sincerely,
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
In this story I see an interesting idea and a catchy title that drew me in.
Your grammer and punctuation is good but in paragraph four the first sentence you should check the spelling of one word.
You might consider combining some ideas and cutting some unnecessary words to prevent repeating yourself and make your piece more interesting. For example: You can eliminate the first sentence of the second paragraph by combining that thought with the first paragraph. Something like this, I am a healer, my art, which is older than the church of men and the enslavement of my people, came to me from my mother who learnt it from hers....
Thank you so much for sharing your work. It's an interesting piece.
Sincerely,
VGray
Author of The Silver Dragon, Hepatitis Awareness Poetry
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lildelta/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 1:21am on May 14, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
