Not everyone appreciates my thorough way of reviewing and truthfully, I don't spend a lot of time actually doing it, but I think your story warrants an actual review.
I'll start with the first paragraph...You put me immediately on that train looking out at a bleak, cold forest. I was there. Pulled right in to it. I loved the simplicity of you taking me there.
The second paragraph I got lost. It was so existential that I was tossed of the train and couldn't find my bearings. Just for me being the reader, you could expound on that more, get me into it. And of course, I am just one reader. I can only speak for myself and hope you take it as just one opinion.
Third paragraph, and the last I will likely comment on for a while, back to reality!
Probably obese? Is she or not? ( the witch.)
Very minor point: "I'm surprised you can still make a joke like that, seeing as how things are," she dodged my question. I WOULD SAY, "Dodging my question, it hit me by surprise but, etc"
super minor point that is just me.
this sentence I had to read three times: Don't think too much about it, besides I'm raising a brat isn't hard. Doesn't make a lick of sense, but maybe its done in a Character or dialect. Up to you. :)
Just a thought: I wasted my retirement money - go with the word savings instead of retirement. More old world?
And with that, all I really have left to say is that I want more! Its a great start to just the kind of stories I love to read.
I hope you weren't offended by any of my suggestions or comments. I would never have bothered if I didn't think it was worth not only my time, but the worlds as well!!
I give you 5 stars and a bunch of gift points as well. I look forward to the rest of this novel.
I want to respond but not sure how. The writing was decent, but I have a feeling that has nothing to do with why you posted this. We all feel this way at several times in our lives. It's just circumstance. When we take a close look at ourselves and our lives, we find ways to make things better. And even just the daily routine makes things better. We meet new people, we find people that have our interests and opinions, things to share. The here and now is never the here later. Maybe you have just fooled me, but just in case, let me share some of my experiences with you.
There was a time when I had met this beautiful woman. We shared a night together and she invited me over for an amazing dinner. Things seemed perfect. Being young, I went and got a tattoo with her name on my arm.
Wasn't long before she told me to leave, out of her life. I was devastated! I drove as far as I had gas, found myself on a bridge. I was one step away from casting myself over the railing, then thought, "Call mom".
I called her. That comfort came back to me, the feeling of home. She sent me money to come home and I did. I was that close, but things always change.
Later, that same girl decided she wanted me after all. She flew 2000 miles to come be with me, and we made a good go of it for a long time!
It didn't last, but ever the optimist, I found someone new. Things can always look horrible, but they always get better and sometimes, even amazing. I ended up living with two girls that not only f***ed me, but each other. Mostly all at the same time.
So no matter how bad it looks now, you might end up in the best situation you could dream up! All this is completely true!
Ok, While compelling and interesting, It also secluded markets for renewable energy and looking forward into the future, what might be the best markets to help our economy going forward, instead of the near future gains for the top.
A blatant try at advertising. Weak at best.
The fact that you think this is the right place to use financial terms to appeal to investors is laughable at best. Actually, boring at best. Writers aren't prone to the prose of financial investment.
lol This is just silly.
I figured since you spent the time to cut and past, I would review and reject. My rejection will put you lower here than your post will up your views.
"dearest friend I’ve ever had the pleasure of loving." (knowing) is a better term. "I've ever had the pleasure of loving" sounds not like love, but just sex. Unless that's the terms you want to portray.
You don't need to tell the ages of all the family members.
I assume you want a real review, and not fluff. So I'm being honest with you.
Next, you never made clear exactly WHY they bullied him. You mentioned fag being on the locker, etc, but never shown why. More compelling story if people understand the specifics of why they called him names, etc.
"Our wedding would have been a week or so from now". Great hook in the middle, still drying my tears from the proposal, I got so WORRIED! had to stop for a cig.
omg, hard to even comment. But the use of partner isn't good for the reader. Instead use love or fiance', better for the story, and more progressive. Less use of Gay specific language helps the general reader feel more like its part of their own life!
Between crying myself...
...so many tears...
I have to wonder if this was the Florida thing.
Its to real to be just a story. My love and respect to you and yours.
Your writing wasn't bad at all, but I have to say I got bored after the first paragraph. I had to skip through a bit and realized, it wasn't your writing, but you need a more interesting story. You seem like a good writer. I always want to say good things about stuff people post. You're a good writer, find a story that really makes you feel something. You have a lot of potential. Believe me, i've seen the best and the worst here. You have talent, just need something passionate to write about! I hope I didn't say something wrong, but I think you understand what I mean. Looking forward to your next submission!
I loved this story, but I have to review. "He assumed papa didn’t even know what was on the other side? " once again people want to use the question mark where it doesn't belong. Use a ! instead.
Never use a question mark when its a statement.
The other thing is it could be longer. This young man getting to the other side of life needs to be more of a thing. Its a great story. Has a lot of things in there he needs to learn. Pls add more to it!!
I was expecting the same old bible prodigal son thing, but you made it so much better!
Very comical and crazy! I loved it! Great short story. I hope this never happens to you in real life. Maybe you already had something happen, not sure. But therapy! yes.
My feedback? Well, I love animals, and I love adoption (all of my pets are adopted) but this isn't the correct place to do this. I don't disagree with you coming here and sharing your story about it, but its certainly not a book nor a short story for authors. Still, I will give you 5 stars for your tenacity and love for animals. (Even though you deserve none of it here).
I do hope to be helpful and kind with my review. The first paragraph runs on and on and on. Its a bit tough to read. I'm sorry, I couldn't get past the first few ideas. I love giving people good reviews, but in this instance I can't. You have a good story line, and I love the characters. Maybe for a children's book and maybe that was what you were going for. it was just hard to read. Didn't flow. This is my first bad review, and I feel horrible about doing it. To be constructive, maybe make it more first person? More thoughts. Say things in a way that people would actually say it. More like you would say it in real life if you were one of the characters. I hope this helps. its a good story.
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