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Your being raided by a Mermaid Muse pirate!
Good title for the poem. The first two lines were a little out of synch with the rest but overall I think you did a fine job of getting the message across.
Extended hands all His own,
no sense running from them.
They aren't here to knock you down,
but to pick you up.
This stanza made me feel like you were trying to get the message out to the children of abuse. Was this your intention? Good poem!
Hello!
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I am not really quite sure how I should rate and review this. The title caught my attention because that happens to be one of my favorite movies. I think David Bowie was excellent as the Goblin King. Anyway I was wondering what it is you are trying to accomplish? I may have missed something because I just linked to this piece because of the title.
You say it is just the songs now but soon it will be much much more. I was wondering what?
Are you planning to make an album from these songs, two of which are my favorites from the movie: Dance Magic and Within You.
The song Chilly down sounds suspeciously like Boogie Down with your problems also from the movie. Just really didn't know what to make of this. Could you please enlighten me.
Keep your muse entertained Writing On!
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A good twist on the old humpty dumpty rhyme. I loved it! Thanks for the laughs! I have often thought the same thing about the king's horses but when I was a child and mentioned it, the adults just stated that's just the way the rhyme goes. As if children are not intelligent enough to know horses would not be able to do that. Thanks for pointing that out!
A couple sentences seemed a little off to me in the begining but over all a very enjoyable read. Who knew humpty dumpty had a drug and drinking problem?
Very Good! I could really feel the pain you were going through. I know how hard it is to say goodbye to someone. I like the way you have broken down the sentences. I think that it gets the emotions of the poem across better. Just one little problem I noticed. There are so many thing I want to say to her,
so many thing I need to hear her say. Many is plural so thing should reflect that thought, otherwise very good. Keep your muse entertained writing on! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello matey, just a little port raid. Enjoyed your story, great writing.
Characterization: Excellent. Unfortunately there are too many individuals like Richie ignorant of an individuals feelings and they could easily produce a character like your main one.
Plot: Good flow to the story. Transition from twelve to thirty-seven smooth. Could really feel the pain she was going through when bandage was rudely ripped from her face.
Theme: The moral of the story is evident by the story's end. Sometimes we do not realize the profound effect our actions may have on others.
Title: Fit the story well. The character felt like she wasn't human but a monster due to the scars left.
Problems: Most of us have a few. Your sentence I probably wouldn't attract a second glance now as, ever since I was twenty one, plastic surgery has gradually been changing how I look. reads a little rough. Like changing direction in the middle of the street. Maybe break it down into two sentences. I probably wouldn't attract a second glance now. Since I was twenty one, plastic surgery has gradually been changing how I look. Something to that effect.
I also feel that you could have added a little forshadowing by describing or mentioning other victims she may have had. In the next to last paragraph you use the word children suggesting more than one may have fallen victim to her. But no mention of missing children is portrayed in the story.
Overall very good. I am sure that many burn victims feel the same way I just hope they do not deal with it the way your character did. Good Job.
Keep your muse entertained writing on!
I think you did a fine job in getting people to think. I often wonder these thoughts myself and once or twice a month take inventory on whether I am truly happy, just content, or just fooling myself into thinking that I am happy. I know that since I have found this sight I have not had the depressing thoughts I have always had before. I am to busy now trying to keep up with the contest to really take a hard look at my life, which in a way makes me contented. One line made me stumble a little. You may want to edit it. It make take a life time to achieve total happiness,
but it will be worth knowing it,
I think you mean "may take"
Suggestion for next line: but it will be time well spent.
Just a suggestion though. The ultimate decision is yours to make. Very good, keep your muse busy thinking and writing, you may be surprised at what is produced!
Very Good. I think that as one ponders back over their lifetime they should be able to see how the threads of their life intersect. You expressed this beautifully. Reminds me of the three aspects of fate, the one responsible for controlling the threads of life, of course her name escapes me right now. Anyway I enjoyed the peice. As to the ending. I feel that we do gain glimpses into the wisdom of past mistakes and past joys and the why's of things but total wisdom won't be gained until our time here on earth is over.
Very Good. Full of emotion which is great for image. Thats all we can do for our children is pray sooner or later God works his way into thier lives often without them knowing it. I would still categorize this as poetry, instead of other. Write On!
Alright, first off I would not have listed this piece as a short story. In order to be a story I feel there should be a plot, setting and build-up of the characters so that the audience can feel the pain they are feeling. You may want to relive the good times the couple had over the past 50 years to enforce the anguish they feel with the decision they had to make. On the other hand if you chose to rewrite this piece and shorten some of the paragraphs you would have a very moving free verse poem to that would bring tears to the reader's eyes.
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