Radler Zpheitor's (merlack) Reviews

Radler Zpheitor

Review Requests: OFF

810 Public Reviews Given

1,006 Total Reviews Given

26

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14 days may be credited.

#3411394

Review of Genetic Manipulation

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Nineteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

poem from: Tigerlilystar

Overall

I liked your idea for this poem. I do feel you got a little wordy with the whole poem all together as if you had so much you wanted to say and got entangled up it all those things with strings of thoughts filling your mouth up instead of letting them flow out smoothly. I'm sneaky, not going to lie. I took a look at some of your other poems as well to see if you always write like you did for this contest entry or if this was the first time. I found out you don't usually write like this and you have a very conscious flow of language but I think it didn't go as well in this poem because you felt you had more to say then what could fit in this poem. What's my point? what am I getting at? well I like the idea and I think you have a lot of it down but I think you can thin out your poem so it flows a little but better and so it doesn't feel like a rally in front of a genetic testing site. HEE HEE HEE. The other thing is that you need the picture to go with the poem. I think the picture and the poem should be seen as separate things. SO in other words I want the read the poem without having to see the picture. YES! I am asking for a lot but I am greedy. Sorry. I know this isn't easy and I do say this a lot but I like to change people.

weird side note: this animal isn't involved in genetic testing. It is a natural mutation within the cows own genetics. ISN'T that WEIRD! I thought it was when I found it out. This doesn't dwindle your poem at all just a weird tricky thing I did to be weird and foolish. HEE HEE HEE.

Title

Your title works fine but I think the poem is using the same language as the title. HUH? WHAT? I know I can be confusing so I will try an explain this point as clearly as I can. With your title I think instead of having a telling approach to your poem you should have keyed in the visual elements of the genetic mutation of the cow. For example:

"Deforming flawless flesh and bone for greed and profit,"

this is more of a concept telling even though you describe it as "Deforming flawless flesh...". You describe it but I feel it is a far away description. I know all this is confusing so let me show you what would be more specific:

"a bull built like Mr. Universe
deformed in man's image of God"

You might not see the difference in mine from yours but there is a very slight difference. I state the bull and try (not as well as I would like to have)to describe the picture in the minds of the readers mind. In other words pretend that the picture isn't there and describe the muscles. However you must remember that the people reading this poem don't know about the cow at all so you need to mention the cow and what is out of proportion. You say "Deforming flawless flesh" which is a bit abstract and is what I'm trying to get you to step away from for this depiction. in other words it is hard to depict "deformed flawless flesh" and you need to be a little more specific to get the image into the readers mind.

Structure

I think if you take out many of the big words and get a little bit more concrete with images of what going on in this situation it will work out better overall. In other words, I know what you are doing and what you are trying to say but can you get more specific and give use the image instead of representing what you see with your eyes. If you do this I think your poem will be amazing.

Oh right: this isn't an easy thing to accomplish but I think if you try it and practice it you will get it fine.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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27

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14 days may be credited.

#3407819

Review of Neural Traces

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Eighteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

A conceptual prompt: write about patterns

poem from: Signessx1

Overall

I like what you've done here in so few words but also I think you could do more with the issue you are trying to represent in this poem. I'm not sure if your trying to represent when a habit is formed or that a habit happens in the same way are dreams and moods all come together. I understand they are linked and that this is the system of linkage but is there more then just this at hand in your poem?

I think some of your punctuation is more confusing then helpful in your poem but I think I will mention more about this a little bit lower in the review.

Title

GREAT TITLE! I like it a lot. The only thing that is a bit confusing is that their are no traces or maybe you are saying the traces are in our bodies interactions from the impulses? If this is true then I think you should have mentioned this in the poem as well by showing the a depiction of the body. This would be a great poem to accompany this one here and you might want to think about it and put these poems together.

Structure

You might want to use some line breaks in this poem. I think it will make some of the parts that are confusing from the punctuation to be less confusing because then the reader wouldn't have to see all of these things at once.

this may be me or I might be missing something but I don't get how you come up with your ending. It doesn't quite make sense because you don't have a beginning to get there. However I do understand that everything is going through the same system and this is your point. But why do you have:

"our moods and moves
thoughts and dreams"

when you are getting to an ending of habit?

I think this poem needs more of a directional flow from a beginning to the end. I like it but I think it needs something else to help the reader understand how "habit" came to be in this poem.

I think if you explain this aspect to me then I might understand and be able to help you out much better then guessing what your direction is.

I was also thinking you might want to start this poem with:

"Transmissions sent,"

this will make the poem a bit more active and have some more conceptual grounds for the reader to follow.

Randomness

you take use on this journey and I like it but I feel there is something missing and for some reason I can't figure out what it is exactly. I do like how you used the prompt.

Oh yeah: don't be afraid to answer my questions or yell at me that I misunderstood your poem completely.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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28

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14 days may be credited.

#3407739

Review of My Kittens

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Eighteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

A conceptual prompt: write about patterns

poem from: Cynaemon

Overall

I love how you used one image throughout this whole poem and built on it with little details instead of more images which I think would out balance the poem. I do think you could have had the second stanza connected to the first but I will talk about this type of stuff in the section below. there are a few other things I think you could do to this poem to improve on this wonderful image which I will talk about much more in the section belove.

Title

I like the title but since you have the title like this I would have started your poem a little bit differently. I probably would have said:

"paws dance"

since we know you're already talking about kittens from the title I don't feel the need to repeat this aspect in the poem. I am weird on this point though for some reason and I know many others would disagree with this point but it is my opinion and I felt that I should point that out.

Structure

first off I wouldn't have separate stanzas for this poem. I'm not saying that it is wrong like you have it because there is a clear point in why you have the second stanza. However You might be wondering why I think it should all be one stanza? This whole poem is about a quilt of cats which you setup wonderfully and since the subject doesn't have multiple parts I think you can keep the whole thing together since conceptually the cats are the quilt. so in other words you don't change subjects much and furthermore your punctuation gives enough for the reader to realize what you mean in your poem.

I would take out but more so move the line "unconditional love;". You might be asking why? well one thing I said take out but I meant move which I will explain after this explanation. I think you have a great lead in from the above line into the "kitten quilt" and then after that you end your poem with your ending of soft silence or better yet you end it with:

"an unconditional love of soft silence."
"a soft unconditional love of silence."
"soft breaths of unconditional love."

more or less your words but I collaborated a few lines together to develop it (in the last suggestion with breathes I was trying to get your whispering line in there without saying it. I think that line is a missed ending that isn't needed). I would also separate those longer lines into shorter lines like so:

"fur in shades of orange
and tan, black and white,
bright eyes, accents of
blue and green and amber"

It might not seem like much of a difference but it would look a lot better if you made the poem without stanzas. if you make it like this I think it would also read a little differently but that might be in my mind alone.

Randomness

I like how you used the prompt. It actually takes it in two different directions. You could say this is the pattern as in the nightly ritual for these kittens to cuddle with their loving owner. You could also see it as the collaboration of different elements which go into making a quilt and why a quilt is made for someone. Very well done with creating depth with a simplistic style.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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29

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14 days may be credited.

#3396693

Review of W.H.A.T. I.S. A. P.OE.M.?

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Fifteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write about poems or what is poetry?

poem from: shrivvie

Overall

nice job making an acrostic. Not always the easiest poem for to work out but it when it is done well they can be very fulfilling. I thought you did a pretty good job in using the letters that you had to work with for your first letters but I also thought it brought you into a certain pattern of constructing your poem. I'm not saying this is bad that your poem was done in this way but more so it was very apparent. The thing that you did over and over was have the first word usually after a line or two be a -ing word. Nothing wrong with these type of words but it happened to put a strange rhythm to your poem. I also thought it made your poem very sentence like instead of poem like. You do change it up with some good word sounds within the lines but I don't know if it sets off this -ing pattern you have. I understand you had to do what you had to do because of it being an acrostic but you do need to plan for these type of things as well. I do love the end of your poem. Its like a "screw you" to "me" and the readers for questioning your poetic mind. Some may get offended about this but hey I get it and I like it so WELL DONE! hee hee hee.

Title

With acrostic poems you don't need to do what you did with the title. You could just right it out. Actually you don't even need to signify if you did an acrostic or not because the reader should figure this out. Yet it is usually nice to tell people. With all that what not said I will say some other what not. I would have given this a completely different title then the acrostic phrase. Why? cause I think another layer of meaning would do some good to any poem so why say what is already there. That is merely a suggestion but for real you should get rid of all the periods because it is a little annoying and they aren't really needed.

Structure

this poem is very choppy. I think for the most part this is because of the acrostic making this poem choppy but there are ways around this. what I usually do with this type of poem form is make it so the first words in some of the lines are the continuation of the line before it. If you do this type of transition I believe it works a little bit better. Plus then you can stop your thought in the middle of a line and continue a new one which might overflow into the next one. Your lines are very stuck on that horizontal plane where each line is one thought without much sound relation to the next line so that they move nicely together.

Randomness

It is a nice poem and I liked the idea but I think the acrostic cause a bigger limitation then making the poem better.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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30

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14 days may be credited.

#3396570

Review of Distillation

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thanks for entering Round Fifteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write about poems or what is poetry?

poem from: fyn

Overall

I like the whirling feeling of this poem which ends in a graceful dab of infinity. You hit on different important aspects of poetry while using these tools at the same time making the poem part of the presentation of the terms. It isn't always and easy thing to do but it seems easy in the way in which you constructed your poem. I really like the [c] sound you use in the beginning of the poem and carry on and hint at throughout the whole poem. It is a nice highlight dancing through the meaning of your poem. you use there sounds as well but I really like the [c] sounds you use in the beginning and where it stops but more so hands off after the word "Conjuring" into the deeper meanings of poems beyond the sounds of the said words. This one word makes a perfect window into the next part which doesn't have any [c] sounds. You might have not noticed this or you might have planed this either way it is quite brilliant.

Title

I like the title. However (with me there is usually a however even when I don't mean it with a side contradiction), I wish you didn't say the essence part in the second line of your poem. This is the only part of the poem that I could do without. Why you might ask? I think that it is a bit of spoon feeding of information but in a way that doesn't make a point. Seeing that the essence is all under the title I don't feel this phrase should be here too. It seems to be like a nudge of the shoulder to the people that aren't paying attention well they should pay attention to good poetry and not be told they have to. It is a nice gesture but I think it isn't needed. But I'm being ultra picky here so don't take offense or anything.

Line Suggestions

Of course this is all a matter of opinion but that is besides the point but I have another opinion that might get you thinking because I like to make people think about their reading and writing of poetry. Your last two lines (I love these lines by the way) but did you think about making them one line instead of making them two lines. You might be thinking is this important or am I being a jerk for no reason? well I think it is important so this works for me. Anyway the last two lines of your poem are:

"Infinity grasped within
the palm of the soul."

did I mention I love these two lines? because I do love these two lines. But they should be one line for a few different reasons. I think it works better with the meaning of it as one thought out line. I understand it means the same thing if you put it in one line rather than two lines but it is important to keep it all together to keep the infinity in the same line as the soul. I think it loses a bit of it's power as two lines. It might be my own craziness or that I love going off tangents in reviews but I do think it should be one line. The other reason is more of a visual reason. I think the last line looks better if it was as long as the line before it. I think it would be read a bit more fluid in this respect and making the culmination of the poem even stronger. It is merely a suggestion even though I gave it with a for force persuasion to get you to change it. But whatever... People like what they like and even me is people. HEE HEE HEE.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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31

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#3396506

Review of Poetry

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Fifteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write about poems or what is poetry?

poem from: Poetic

Overall

In this weeks romance newsletter "Romance/Love Newsletter (October 6, 2010)"

at the end there was a question and comment from the previous newsletter involving this little row your boat parody:

Show, show, show the scene.
Never, ever tell.
Show the readers every mood.
Paint the canvas real.

this method of writing isn't just for stories but also for poems. The difference is that poems are better (lately I've had a lot of snipers fallowing me I wonder why... hee hee hee). The difference is the "showing" aspects of the writing are in a poetic form rather then in sentences. I think your poem would have been better expressed if you had it in a more showing way. instead of saying poetry shows pain show it in your poem, instead of saying it does something do it and have the reader feel it in their poems so it compels them to read and write poetry.

Structure

Your rhymes are ok but I think it isn't the rhymes themselves that aren't doing it for me but more so the setup to the rhymes. Sometimes you need to hide the rhyming sounds that is about to be repeated in other like sounds so that it doesn't seem to blaring at the end of the lines. It isn't easy to do and this is one reason I write more poems that rhyme rather than not rhyming. I think it is harder and It is for me so I do what I'm better at. I guess the whole thing is that I don't feel or see what you are trying to say in your poem. I know it and read it but I'm saying it needs to pull its weight of what it is trying to do inside the poem to get me to side with you.

Randomness

at the end of your poem I noticed you put your name. You might want to have a couple of spaces after the poem before putting that there so people don't think it is part of the poem. You don't want people to get confused of what is and what isn't the poem. You don't really need your name there anyway because your name shows up in the header of the item and in the copy right thingy at the bottom so I think you could get rid of it so that your poem can have room to breath in its own space.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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32

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14 days may be credited.

#3392222

Review of My Names

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thanks for entering Round Fourteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write a Sevenlings

poem from: Cynaemon

Overall

first off I like the spelling of "Cynaemon" and it is cool how parts of your name is involved in this one word.I also like the second stanza more so than the first stanza because it gives us bits and pieces of the poem persona's personality in what they feel is dear to themselves and what they consider defines them self. The thing is I don't know how accessible or helpful the first stanza and the juxtaposition (the seventh line) has for readers of this poem. Well actually more so the last line then the first stanza.

I think the poem works great in how you make this person "Cynaemon" but I guess it just leaves a why open for the reader. I'm guessing this is one part of the sevenlings form so it would be alright. I mean it must mean different things to all the other people that call you those names and then how you represent yourself as a person in your own name which works amazing but it is hard to come to this conclusion but it works.

So I've changed my mind about three or four times in how I think about this poem and every time I read it I like a few more aspects of it. So maybe I didn't read it enough times? or maybe I didn't get it at first? or maybe this is not what you mean?

I guess it is the complexity in what a name is that makes this poem mean a lot more than what it seems to be presenting. So this is why this review seems a bit more muddy than I thought it would be.

The one question I have about this poem is why do you have three first names? Unless there is a different combination of family names that needs to be combined to create your first name I see this could happen but if that isn't it then way did your name change so much? I understand this isn't the point of your poem and that I'm getting off on one of my rambling tangents but this brings the reader into the poem a bit more and makes them want to wonder what is going on here. This is a good thing!!!

Line Suggestions

With that last thing said and discovered by myself I think a GREAT IDEA for you to do is a collaboration of these for a "book of my names". Basically you would take each name you have inside this beginning introduction poem and then have a poem for each of these names. Now I'm not saying use the same form for each name but to have at least a poem or maybe even two poems for each name depending on the importance and the depths you want to go into for each name. Also, Like I said before, you should do a different poem for each name but not necessarily in the sevenlings form but in a form of that names story. maybe one is a child's name or one you remember in this fashion then you would do a bouncy rhyming poem instead of a long narrative one. This is what I mean by fitting your poem to the character. So tell me if you like this idea or think a bout doing it because I think it would work very well.

The review had a lot of ups and downs for me. I'm sorry for the confusion and my wavering but it wasn't only my fault but also the poems construction. This is a good thing. HEE HEE HEE.

Randomness

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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14 days may be credited.

#3387948

Review of Lady Liberty

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Thirteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

poem from: ridinghhood-p.boutilier

Overall

I like this poem and the different way you wade through different words to create a story within your poem. I do think you could do a little more with the order of the lines but I think I will go over this a little bit later. I also think your last line could be taken out, well not really taken out but reorganized and placed into the line above it.

As I said I like the story going on from word to word but I think some of the ways in which you clarify the words so people know what you mean is a bit obtrusive. Then again I like hiding things on people so I might not be the best person to listen to on these situation but I do find some of the clarifications to be getting in the way of the poem rather than helping people to follow what you are talking about. I know people do tend to be lazy and not look up words specially in poetry but I'm very against this rule of thought. But I like the whole idea of the poem and I think it works out well but could use some tweaks here and there.

Title

hmmm... this title works and I think it might work better than I think. The only thing that does cause a little bit of wavering in my mind is your use of "... xenophobia, jingoism." in relation to the title. Plus you could also say that Lady Liberty is an unsettled dream of uncertain safety. You could also being that you are finally free of your scared things and able to dream again which is also good. In other words I'm not complaining about your title and I think it is great that it can hold all of these notions within your poem.

Structure

there is one major thing that I would love to switch with your poem even though it isn't that major but more of an organizational\voicing\thing. It's not that your poem doesn't work in the order that you have it but I think it's a little bit smoother. Basically the line that is an interruption is:

"In the rubble and ash,"

It works where it is but I think It works better either before or after the line:

"I birthed chthonic monsters,"

Why you might be asking? well I see the reasoning for the fears is the ash and that this rubble and ash should be closer to its effect on turning you into this hybrid creature breeding other creatures into your mind.

I would also simplify the ending turn of your poem. I'm not a fan of "after a time" and I would have rather you started with "the Goddess Menosmene". The only problem with this is that you need a time indication. So it would be lacking a little bit in how long this problem persisted to the "I" into this poem. So I would put some sort of time in here instead of being vague with "after a time". Maybe if you make it something like "Dreamless for six years"<-- an example but I never said it would be a good example but I work with what I got at times. So basically a specific duration that is only changed once the goddess comes and finds your dreams again.

as I said before you might want to merge the last line into the part with the goddess coming to help fix your mind and in doing this I would take out the phrase stating who she is. I have that feeling if people aren't going to look stuff up then they shouldn't be reading in the first place. However I am ruthless and cruel but I don't think it is that bad of a notion to follow.

Randomness

you packed a bit into this poem and the prompt was loosely connected but loose is fine in my mind since I like taking prompts to weird places and making prompts that cause even weirder poems. NEXT time remember to make your items public when you send them into a contest. HEE HEE HEE.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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14 days may be credited.

#3387885

Review of Aardvark Ears

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Thirteen of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

poem from: Prosperous Snow celebrating

Overall

I like how you wrapped the two types of being scared around humans and aardvarks. Especially the way in which you used the representation of the plane making both of the sounds which scared them both. I think this is all I have to say about the whole of the poem. I do wish the title was different but I will talk about that in the next section.

Title

there are a few reasons why I think the title should be different. It is the beginning of the poem and even though this is done a lot in many poems for some reason I rather not have it done in shorter ones. Not saying either way is right or wrong but just stating my opinion on the matter. the thing is I think you could make another common link between the humans and aardvarks without using the aardvark ear notion in the title itself. I could be completely wrong about this notion which is fine but it is just something I think.

Structure

I do think there are a few minor things you could tweak about your poem. In your first stanza I would take out the word "with". I think having the word "vibrate"
and then your next line without the "with" would work just as well and that it isn't really needed for anything else for meaning or rhythm or sounds of letters in my mind.

the other thing I would have liked in this little poem is one more line to equal out the two image comparisons of these two animals. You might be thinking I'm crazy and it is fine how it is? I am crazy but the thing is that the beginning of the first stanza and the beginning of the second stanza doesn't have the same balance. If you were to add something like: "on the radio" "from the tv" or so forth and so on then there would be a better balance between the two stanzas. Basically Im trying to include some type of technology system or device (OHH OHH OHH cell phones might work) which is relaying the message to cause humanity to tremble in relation to the long ears of the aardvarks.

This brings me back to the title and in which I think you need to have some relationship of the things happening to humanity and the aardvarks to connect these instances once more at the beginning of this poem while brining in the reader to the poem at the same time. I think something about predators might work but it also might not since humans don't have predators per-say unless you involve ourselves but then again those would be zombies and in turn not humans at all (I beat you were wondering how I was going to fit zombies into this review... Maybe? hee hee hee).

Randomness

I like the poem a lot overall but I do feel there could be a bit more power within this poem. I have no idea how that would be added but for me I feel a ohhh clever feeling over the AHHH feeling which is suppose to be important in poems. However I do like it how it is too and I wouldn't suggest in changing too much of this poem because it might ruin more than add to it.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3378360

Review of Man understood.

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Do I need a reason to review?

Plot:

I like this story and it is pretty funny but I think it is more of a joke then a story (not your writing but the setup and everything is setup like a joke).

for me this isn't a story with enough conflict but I think you can add more conflict to this story if you shorten some of your sentences up and add in different places. so in this review of your fifty-five word story first I'm going to show you some clean up tricks (other known as how to make things shorter with the same effectiveness) and then the other thing I'm going to go over is what I think you should add to add a bit more pop to this story.

The Story Told:

VERBS!!! They are your weapon so use them! what do I mean? well you use the same verbs throughout this whole story which does give that old school narrating cartoon feel like from cartoons or from old SNL skits. For get what I said there but anyway you need to do some more mixing up so it doesn't get so bland. This was just a general comment on this story.

okay now for the cutting down of things so we can add stuffs. I like the "in the beginning" but it is also very telly and I think you could also start with:

"In the beginning, Man learned to look at the stars as well as the Sun." [15 words]
"In the beginning, Man learned the stars and the Sun." [10 words]
"In the beginning, Man looked at the stars and the Sun." [11 words]
"In the beginning, Man studied the stars and the Sun." [11 words]
"In the beginning, Man observed the stars and the Sun."[11 words]
"Ancient Man studied the sky, observing the stars and sun." [10 words]

as you saw instead of using the verb combination of "learned" and "look" I used one or the other or replaced it with a even more active one as in: observed and studied. Now if you look throughout your fifty-five word story you used the word look five times. Try not using the same word throughout a story of this length because it becomes very noticeable to the reader. I understand you are going for a certain mood and style but I'm also pointing this out for future stories and also because I'm trying to shorting thing up or show you how to shorten things up so you can add MORE to this story. the other thing you did was have "as well as" which takes up a lot of words for no reason. It repeats a word and it holds the same principle as "and" so use "and". No need to use three words when one works fine specially on such a short story where every word counts.

There are many other instances where you use two verbs when you could use one that holds both principles and if your confused at what I am saying look near all the "looks" you use and you might find some.

so once you do some skimming out I think you need some tension in this piece. where would the tension be, you might be asking? well you have a huge whole in this piece which is perfect for filling little emotions or other hints of disgust or a disgruntled grunt of some ancient tone that has evolved into a nice nagging and unhappy eyes (in different pitches). however you do it I think you can make enough tension between the man and the women even in a time "in the beginning".

you can add more dialogue or something else to convey these feelings and once you do I'm pretty sure you will have an awesome fifty-five word story.

I HOPE I HELPED IN SOME WAY AND DIDN'T CONFUSE YOU TOO MUCH!

and ask me if you have any further questions.

Keep on Trucking

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#3375715

Review of petrichor

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Ten of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

Write a poem that pays homage to the weather...

poem from: Keaton

Overall

first off I would like to congrats you in writing a "The Cleave Poem"

. It isn't an easy feat in general and that should be recognized or I think it should be. The second thing is that writing a poem in this form creates a hard job for the reviewer because they must also remember the three parts to the poem as you did while creating it (hopefully I keep this in mind while reviewing your poem).

for the most part I thought you did very well in constructing your poem. I think you did a wonderful job connecting line to line between the two vertical poems. I do think that each vertical poem could be stronger with the words that you used. Well... not really with the word usage but more with the meaning of each line. I felt that you had a lot of reiterating in the left vertical poem and that you could of done some rearranging and or different type of explanation to get your point across. maybe try expanding your line images into two line images so the whole thought cares over two lines rather than having one line over and over again most of my criticizes will actually about the strength between the left vertical poem and the right vertical poem. the right poem is much better then the left one because it does so much more with that little area while the left side seems to only setup the right side with much of the same images and wording. I'll get a bit more specific lower in the review.

Title

I love this title. I had to look it up. I like having to look things up. the only thing was that it wasn't in the dictionary per say but that's okay I understand what is going on. The only thing is I wish you would of done a bit more with this smell. It is hard to show a smell with words but if you did more of a liner story of how this would come about I think everyone would be sniffing the air and sighing after they finished the read. Is this easy to do? HELL NO. Can you do it? I think so but it might take about twenty or so drafts and possibly more (hee hee hee).

Structure

so lets get into it with this left side(don't get discouraged with the review even though I know you won't and remember the only reason why I am pointing out that the left side is weaker than the right side is because these sides exist. Truthfully the poem as a whole is great)!

ok you basically say two things: there is ground and this ground is wet. This is fine but the placement of your phrases is a bit off for me. I think if you do more with the motion of the water onto the ground for this left side it will work better for this poem. Also, you could move maybe one of your phrases on the left side to the right side. like the "on the green grass".

the other thing that is a problem with the left side is that all of the lines seem like starting lines. This is a bit hard to explain but I think you will understand or at least I hope you do. Its almost like you have a serious of prepositional phrases and nothing balancing them out. that is the best way I could say it. So you need some of your lines to complete the thoughts from the line before it instead of having them all separate as you have them now. It makes them see disjointed and fragmented. Now compare the right side to the left side you will notice a better flow overall and the completion of one idea.

I understand a lot of these ideas I'm throwing at you are general but they are also general for a reason because I don't want to go through all the points of one suggestion only being good for one side of the poem but not good enough for the whole of the poem which is something you need to decide a bit more.

Randomness

SO I think you need to tighten up your ideas on both sides of this poem but more so the left side. the other thing that you might want to change is the thing about the ants. I'm not saying it is bad or anything but maybe something else like for the worms which might be associated a little bit more with rain and the overturned earth.

I still think you did a great job with this poem overall.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3374813

Review of Cusp

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thanks for entering Round Ten of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

Write a poem that pays homage to the weather...

poem from: fyn

Overall

To be honest I've been having a lot of problems going about how I want to review this poem. You have many great images and sound evoking thoughts that is a great representation of the weather changing from summer to fall. All the images move together until you get to the last line which sums up the entire poem and feeling of this time perfectly. The qualms in reviewing this piece is not with me trying to find something wrong or something to fix but more so I can't decide on your first three lines. Decide what? Well to me you need the lines to have the association with the leafs turning the colors which you then bring back wonderfully in the end with the one leaf. However to me taking up the entire three lines in the beginning with your wonderful images of smells and colors in a fires eye seems overbearing compared to the rest of the poem. I feel that it takes away from the calming feeling of the walk with the dog and I almost want this part first. So in other way I love this poem on many levels but I think it could be organized a little bit better (dammit I knew I would make a decision once I started the review, I should have done this two days ago). Anyway the rest of this review I will discuss the order a little bit more in how I see it but also argue against my points because I understand why you did it how you did it. It might be confusing but we will risk it.

Title

The TITLE IS BRILLIANT! every image is the cusp of fall which probably could be the title as well but we don't need to be this strong with the title because I think "Cusp" works just fine.

Structure

(This is the part that might get a bit confusing)

I understand why you start your poem with the elaborate view of the leaves, mostly because when walking or choosing to walk we look out side to see the weather or we run out and in the cusp of fall we would notice fall (especially in Connecticut where I live). You also do this to make your great connection in the end. The only problem I have with this introduction is that the line:

"My bare feet are chilly as I walk the dog."

seems to far into the poem in my perspective. It almost comes up as an interruption of your beautiful images. Maybe if you move this line up as the second line there wouldn't be as much interruption. However I understand this will cause some other logistical connections between some of the other lines. to contour this problem you could do some more rearranging or you could also use some parenthesis to have those images to be less of an intrusion on the narrated part of your poem.

(quick side note: I'm saying the parts after the line: "My bare feet are chilly as I walk the dog." are the narrated parts and the other things are just noticed but the thing is we don't know the person is walking until we get to this line. Technically you could be looking from your porch or whatever in the being or out the window before you leave for the walk but in reality since you say underfoot in the first line we know you are walking but the dog part is a bit important too.)

I'm thinking again now that maybe it is the part:

"A whiff of wood smoke wafts..."

is too much at this time which may free up the whole poem instead as well instead of rearranging. Or as I said before maybe you are doing a little too much overall in the first three lines. Basically, as it goes in my crazy head, those three lines could be its own poem together. So maybe if you make it a little less as in water it down a bit more so it doesn't lose the reader as they meander through the walk during the before the end of summer happens.

I'm not sure if my back and forth confusion will help you much but it might in some way because for some reason when I do this people usually understand what I mean but if you are confused just ask me specifics and I will email you back with a better explanation.

Randomness

As I said I think the beginning might be too much for the is poem. I think you could actually cut the whole top portion out (I don't think you really should but more of an example to help further explain my point) of the poem and start it from the line:

"My bare feet are chilly as I walk the dog."

If you read your poem from this point as if the first part doesn't happen the poem becomes simpler but also it doesn't lose its intensity or meaning.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3366457

Review of Life of Limits

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Eight of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

"So I walked...
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

- Steven Wright.

poem from: Harris Henderson

Overall

Your flow is really good in this poem and I like how it varies completely from your other entries. I like the way in which you took the prompt but I also think that you made this poem to be a bit too vague. As I said before your flow is great but these statements that you make seem a bit scattered. You might be getting a little confused with what I'm talking about so let me briefly explain. The flow is the pacing of the words and lines togther and the scattered part I was talking about is the ideas in these lines. I don't feel the order of the ideas is helping the ideas of the poem or making a concrete situation of what you are talking about inside this poem. In other words you need to think of your poem in a more liner idea to produce the collective idea to help the readers understand what you are talking about. You also repeat a bit too much for my eyes in this poem. I understand the overall effect of repeating but in having such a small poem I don't think it works as well so I think you might want to take out some of the repeating and add some more concrete ideas in order to get this poem to really shine.

Title

I like how you use the title's idea to contour the prompt. However, I think you needed the poem itself to have more to do with the title of this poem. The interesting thing about this poem is the way you can interpretate the poem from the title. You can make the "limits" of the person that wrote the poem his walking or you can make it all of the things they see in their walking. OR YOU CAN MAKE IT the limits being his only seeing these things without particapating in them which in social research is called being a "complete observer".In other words I really like the title of your poem but I think you need more inside the poem to back up such a good title.

Structure

now you have a pretty good life cycle anology here but it doesn't follow the life cycle all that well. What do I mean? You start at the end instead of the beginning of life. Why not start at the beginning unless you think we come from death which I might agree with you but in this case you start with the walking so I think you should go by the birth in the wild. This would give you a more story aproach that moves in a nice liner path so that the reader can follow it a bit easier (I will email you how I view your poems form since it would be a complete rearrange which I don't like putting in public reviews).

Besides the rearranging you need to do a little more with your idea lines inside the poem. The ideas aren't that bad but you need some other ways to say things as well as some more concrete notions. The thing you could fix the most is being more specific with lines. Instead of saying general things like "I see birth in the wild" tell us the type of animal or plant being born. This does two things, it tells us WHERE you are walking around and it also tells the reader how intuned this charactor is to the wild. Something like:

"I see sea turtles surface the sand."

So try being more specific with your general notions so that the reader can feel the situation instead of read phrases of it.

Randomness

In this poem you switch from past tense to present tense a lot but I don't think there is a clear reason why. I would stay in one tense for the whole poem to keep it easier to follow for the reader.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3361554

Review of Hanging in There

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

This is for a package from "Invalid Item"

.

Your friend The StoryMaster

gifted you his 4 poetry reviews or two short story reviews up to 3000 words.

when I emailed you a (while ago- sorry for the delay) you said it didn't matter what I reviewed from your port. so I'm going to mix and match this review package a little but it will be equivalent to the package above.

Hope you enjoy them!

Poetry Reviews

1 of 2

I lied about mixing and matching between stories and poems. I decided to review two more poems since you are new to poetry and I feel I could help more with this then trying to sort through ALL YOUR stories (which would take me too long since you have so many of them). So I will stay in this poetry folder here from the next two reviews.

Overall

Again you did pretty well with this poem and shifting through the poem form. complicated poems with a lot of restrictions are never an easy task and I commend you on get this far through the form. In staying with the form (which I know you had to do for the contest) I think you had troubles focusing on the story of this guy hanging on the cliff. You got a bit repetitive with your your meanings in presenting the same ideas of falling down the cliff. There are ways to "battle" forms of this nature and I think I'm going to focus this review on this.

Form Battling

first off you might want to consider thinking of forms in this way: Forms are to help you understand poetic tools of rhythm and sound as well as being a challenge to constructed a subject within a restriction. The restrictions brings the poem together so you need to focus on making the meaning work within the form more so then just making sure you follow the form.

How do we focus are meanings?

Plan PLAN PLAN some more. You know you have four stanzas to say what you want to say. SO lets treat these like paragraphs in a story focusing on one idea at a time rather then the lines being the focus point of one idea like I said in the other poem reviews. YOUR FIRST STANZA IS PERFECT well it has a bit of a rhythm problem but that is ok. It has one central idea and it sets the poem up nicely so the reader knows what is going on. YIPPY FOR GOOD INTROS!!!

Now you want to think more story like in this poem. You are trying to get inside the climbers head a bit too much and there isn't any conflict in this story. OF COURSE YOU KNOW ALL TOO WELL the driving force of any story is a conflicted of some sort. So you need to make this conflict happen in another stanza. Maybe if you describe the next struggle of climbing or maybe is foot slips or his muscles or sore or the wind blows him around. Which ever the conflict is you need it a bit more apparent so that the reader can feel the danger of the climber. You could argue the threat of falling is the conflict however we don't see it that well in your poem as in you need a depiction of danger rather then saying they they could fall. In other words more show less tell approach of the story.

the order and the presentation needs some work. I like how you start the last stanza but I think that should be part of the conflict in the second stanza. Think of a more straight forward story in three parts with an introduction and then I think you will do great.

besides this planning of the story being straight forward you also need to easy up the rhyming. THIS ISN'T easy! I'm not good at rhyming and I don't pretend to be but there are ways to make your rhymes seem less force. You do this with the other sounds leading up to the other rhymes. In other words you need to soften what is about to come up by using the same sounds. WHat do I mean? I don't mean use the same sounds from line to line to soften the last sound. I mean in each line you want to soften the last word with similar sounds. lets do an example:

"Air whips briskly around him, gusty and strong,
Alarm bells go off in his head;
A capricious event that could mean his swan song,
Anchored to the rock, he inches ahead."

another thing that could help is keeping closer to the same line length throughout the whole poem. if you notice from the beginning to the end your lines start getting longer and longer and longer... but lets try focusing on softening the rhyme. You don't want to set up each line the same cause that makes the rhymes seem more apparent as well. By same I mean having the same sounds for the rhythm but lets try:

Air whips briskly, gusty, and strong,
Alone on a thread,pumps on his head;
Among the soul of the sad swan's song
Anchored then shaking a inch ahead.

It isn't that great but I tried to make it a bit more smother and as I said before I'm not accustom to rhyming but I think I should how you need to make it more of an active story to push the idea forward and do things like I did in the third line to soft the rhymes into a nice little accent rather than a heavy stop.

I hope the planning idea helps you with the construction of your other poems and that I didn't confuse you too much in my review.

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#3360652

Review of Among the Branches

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is for a package from "Invalid Item"

.

Your friend The StoryMaster

gifted you his 4 poetry reviews or two short story reviews up to 3000 words.

when I emailed you a (while ago- sorry for the delay) you said it didn't matter what I reviewed from your port. so I'm going to mix and match this review package a little but it will be equivalent to the package above.

Hope you enjoy them!

Poetry Reviews

2 of 2

Overall

since I mentioned some basic stuff with the last review I don't have to say it again in this one. This form is much like a haiku but you have a bit more leeway because of how the lines are constructed and instead of having to do mush more with each line you can fall from one line into another a bit more to get your point across. You actually did this (that I mentioned) pretty well and you could probably do it a little more but that is neither here or there. The one thing that this poem does need is a bit MORE STUFFS! I mean I understand there can be some amazing things in an ordinary instance but you still need to dress it up a bit to make people go WOW. So again, like the last poem I reviewed of yours I like the simple nature of this poem but I think you could take out some things and rearrange them to make this poem a bit more powerful.

Title

I like this title. I'm not a fan of using the title inside the poem. But I think you already knew that from the last review. This isn't always the case though but is usually the case when dealing with smaller poems. You only have so many words to say one thing which means you should only say what you need to say. I even heard that these poems don't need a title but that is a different issue all together.

Structure

You might be thinking you don't have enough room in your poem to play with to make this poem more powerful. Well I disagree. For one thing I think you should take the title out of the fourth line since we new this already from the title.

the other thing is you need to focus your idea more finitely without any contour problems. You might be thinking what problems? well I see a weird conflict in your poem between munching and chirping. For one thing I don't think eating is an enjoyable act for birds and is more likely a survival reflex so this is why I think there is a slight problem with this line. The chirping is fine but I think the eating thing can go. So now that we have this I think you could do some more things by making this whole thing a profound image of some shorts (as I exampled in your last review). So think one image instead that last throughout the whole form and shows use whats inside your head. I'll give you another example with this form but not with the same subject so that I lead you more then feed you. I'll write one using "Invalid Item"

which was the prompt for my poetry contest.

ice slugs
iceberg in herds,
over flat iodine
fields, to ponder and understand
focus

this isn't what I mean completely but sort of. In my example I use one idea throughout the whole poem with one image throughout it (it is suppose to be slightly humorous).

So in other words make the birds do a little but more than bird things to show them having this content life. ALSO (even thought you did a pretty good job of this in your own poem) try working with the sounds of the words to move your poem from line to line. If you notice the [i] sounds [d] sounds [f] sounds push my poem throughout keeping it together with the sounds of the words. It's another one of those little tricks.

I didn't repeat anything (yet the four line could be debatable as being repeated but that is ok)

I hope the example helped you out and didn't confuse you more and please ask if you have more specific questions about your poem.

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#3360367

Review of Summer Joy

Review by Radler Zpheitor

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is for a package from "Invalid Item"

.

Your friend The StoryMaster

gifted you his 4 poetry reviews or two short story reviews up to 3000 words.

when I emailed you a (while ago- sorry for the delay) you said it didn't matter what I reviewed from your port. so I'm going to mix and match this review package a little but it will be equivalent to the package above.

Hope you enjoy them!

Poetry Reviews

1 of 2

before I start... I would like to warn you that I like to joke around and lie in parenthesis (you said you weren't going to say this...)

While looking through your port I noticed very little poetry (I'm insulted). Sorry, I will get him under control at some point. So I noticed you have little poetry which is fine I know many wonderful people on WDC that do the same thing. So I hope to give you some help with two poems that you might be able to use in other poems you write.

I like small poems and I love the picture in this haiku. I was actually playing with my nephew, he is 15 months old, a week ago in the same way. Lots of fun and giggling and he loved it which was entertaining for all of us there.

overall

I thought you did a great job in keeping your poem simple. sometimes I find many people cramming too much into small poems and even in my own poems that are this size I tend to cram too much into it only making it misunderstood rather than understood. The one thing you have to remember with haikus or how I understand haikus is that each line should be its own thing but loosely connected to each other to make a complete idea. In yours I feel that it is one sentence BUT you do have three notions that I think you could turn into a well constructed haiku that conveys what you wanted.

structure

Your first two lines say the same thing and I think you could combine them into one thought. Even more so the first two lines are a reiteration of the title of this poem which for me isn't the best thing to do since you only have so much room so you would want to have new information in each line and actually your last line could be your whole poem if you were writing a modern haiku:

sun
water
fun

however you had to use the 5-7-5 form so this couldn't be done this way. So I think if we look at your poem as RAW DATA we know what you want to portray but we need to portray it.

I think your title does a splendid job in setting up the summer situation and it also is coming from a voice that is looking at something which is what is happening. So now you need to show the reader what you are looking at so they can experience it too. I would have the first thing about the child playing or maybe just the giggles of the child or the playful screams (like my nephew... HE IS LOUD) then maybe something with the water in the second line and then something about the joy the person watching this gets from these actions. Or you could have the water first / then the childs reactions / the the reaction feelings of the person writing the poem or the happiness it brings in the image. So in these two different setups Im asking for more image things than words. for example here is one from my experience with my nephew:

the sun grins to all
little splashing hands giggle
a chorus of birds

It was a bit of an impromptu poem but I think I got my point across in using concrete images rather than explaining the situation in words that might not be enough for such a small syllable count.

So I'm not saying your poem is bad and in fact I like it a lot but I think if you reach down a little bit more and try and hold the image in your mind you could improve on it and really make it shine.

Hopefully I wasn't that confusing and that I helped you out in some way with my examples. If you have any further questions just email and I'll do my best to answer them.

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#3359842

Review of Perilla ‘Magilla’

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Six of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

"Invalid Item"

"It isn't what is seen or what is around to be seen but how you see it in your world and have to create it for others to see it in your words."- I randomly wrote this while posting the prompt. The quote isn't the prompt but a way to confuse you into thinking about the prompt. It is a prompt helper but the prompt is the picture not the quote, I randomly made up. ENJOY!

poem from: Ms. Frosty

Overall

first off I would like to say those first four lines ARE a lot to say. Im not saying this is good or bad just that it is a lot to say at once with all the tomfoolery it does to your tongue and brain when you are saying it. HEE HEE HEE. I have no problem with this complicated beginning and actually I find it quite clever and entertaining. It wasn't a refocus of the prompt but more like a magnification of it with your poem focusing on the color of the plant. There are a few issues with this that takes away from your lovely word play. (1) you need the picture otherwise the poem doesn't makes sense (this is good and bad: good because it is the prompt. bad that your poem doesn't have enough power to stand on its own) The prompt is important as something else to follow but overall the poem is the most important element in my eyes. (2) the ending doesn't go anywhere and I feels like you fizzed out into a corner because you had no more room or big words to play with. Did you notice how you went from "Photonegative phytoplasm" to "No ill can come from it."? it is quite a change of words and subject matter in my eyes and I think it would have been a bit better if you did one or the other and actually I think it would have been cool if you finished off with some sort of radioactive goo that was once a plant. Since that is what it is sounding like. So overall this poem needs more of something since I feel it lost its power half way through.

Title

I DIDN'T KNOW IT AS A PLANT at fist and thought it was a tumor of some sort. YES I am a horrible person and shouldn't think of such things. I thought the title was perfect. DON'T CHANGE IT! actually I have a question about it. What was the reasoning for putting 'Magilla' with the quotation marks? was it the whole cartoon or marvel comic thingy? yes I like looking things up... DON'T JUDGE ME!

Structure

truthfully there isn't much to fix but I think this poem needs more. I like what you did with the association of the color and the changing of the color but besides this there wasn't much else there besides the lovely word play in the beginning. It might of been the prompt which I will take the blame for but I think you needed something more then what you have.

Randomness

The beginning almost feels like a rap if you do it in a rap like voice... HEE HEE HEE!

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3359836

Review of Storm

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Six of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

"Invalid Item"

"It isn't what is seen or what is around to be seen but how you see it in your world and have to create it for others to see it in your words."- I randomly wrote this while posting the prompt. The quote isn't the prompt but a way to confuse you into thinking about the prompt. It is a prompt helper but the prompt is the picture not the quote, I randomly made up. ENJOY!

poem from: Smiles654

Overall

side note: I thought it was hilarious that your description says a short haiku about the sea since a haiku is short. HEE HEE HEE.

You used the form correctly with the 5-7-5 count of syllables and I thought this worked with the prompt because the prompt is very blue. NICE JOB WITH THAT. I like how you kept the poem simple without trying to force too much inside the seventeen syllables. I did think this was a bit cliche-ish because the calm before the storm is a very common theme so I thought you could have explored the same topic in a different way than the usual way.

Title

The title was very fitting yet most haikus don't have titles or I think it varies from poet to poet. The one thing about the title that I thought would have been nice or actually more so inside the poem is if you didn't use the title in the third line. You could have showed the angry storm waiting with an image of nature or some other description of this type. Maybe the birds flying a certain direction telling us the storm is coming without saying it is waiting or coming but with another clue from nature.

Structure

Some people get fussy with haikus because they are actually a very very strict form if you are using it the purest sense. BUT it is in english so I won't harp on the rules that I don't know well

their are a few things I think you can do to get this haiku to feel less like a cliche if you explore your ideas in each line the next step further. What the hell does this mean?

Lets say for now this poem isn't completed and instead you just started. So you want to portray "the calm before the storm" "then innocence" then "the looming or awaiting storm". First off you see how I said three things well I think you only have two right now because the first two lines feed off each other. It would be better if you had two separate thoughts that are connected in the process of your idea but not too closely connected. so I would do something like this:

sea waves shy away
playful dolphins squeak and dance
seagulls seek cotton

I would call this storm which is saying the calm and the playfulness of the storm without mentioning the regular cliches of these situation. Well you could argue the use of cotton being a cliche but it is because I'm using it to get my point across more so and however this could be the seagulls going inland as well away from the storm so they can seek cover.

So I think you need to make more separation between the first and second line as well as dig deeper then the regular images you sought out and then I think you will have something QUITE SPECIAL!

Randomness

I hope my review didn't scare you away from WDC and I'm glad you picked her to explore your writing. I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS I DO!

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3359416

Review of Because of You

Review by Radler Zpheitor

Rated: E

| (1.5)

Thanks for entering Round Six of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

"Invalid Item"

"It isn't what is seen or what is around to be seen but how you see it in your world and have to create it for others to see it in your words."- I randomly wrote this while posting the prompt. The quote isn't the prompt but a way to confuse you into thinking about the prompt. It is a prompt helper but the prompt is the picture not the quote, I randomly made up. ENJOY!

poem from: raven angel

Overall

to me and I could be missing something cause I do make many mistakes every day and sometimes not on purpose. As I was saying, I don't think your poem follows the prompt for the contest and in fact I could disqualify it on these grounds but I decided to mention a few things so why not do a review.

that's fine that your husband is your inspiration and I hope that continues but for the contest and most other contest on WDC you use the prompt as well. SO I suggested using both your husband and the prompts. It will make it easier than choosing one over the other.

Line Suggestions

the main concern I have about this poem is that the lines don't make much sense. Not in an obscure abstract way but more so in a constructed way. Having these "as" statements after the ellipsis doesn't quite work as well as you might think it does. Why doesn't this work? because the first vague yearning statements aren't explained by the statement that follows it and in some of the statements I feel they don't make sense. For instance:

"I miss you...as the babbling brook of shores afar."

this causes more questions instead of explaining why you miss him. Furthermore, the second part doesn't explaining that the brook babbles because it misses the shores afar. Plus, brooks have two shores and the water in the brook is possibly connected to the sea which might be connected to the shores of far. So either I don't understand what you are getting at or I think you might be complicating things a bit too much which means you should try and simplify what you want to say and then rework it so it could be understood by others.

If you need help or want me to explain it again in a different way feel free to email me and I will see what I can do.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3358533

Review of Captured

Review by Radler Zpheitor

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

This is for a package from "Invalid Item"

.

Your friend The StoryMaster

gifted you a review.

Hope you enjoy them!

Short Story Reviews

1 of 1

You asked me to review a story from your folder "FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION: Folder"

so I picked one of the items that had not one review. HOW DARE THIS BE! I AM FLABBERGASTED! THINKS PEOPLE NEED TO REVIEW MODS MORE OFTEN! THEY AREN'T THAT SCARY (well sometimes maybe)! ENJOY THE REVIEW!

Overall

I thought the idea was great and that you took a great way in telling this story. You told it through the eyes of the camera guy which justifies the style and mood of the character telling the story. There are some parts that I find confusing and others might as well, however I know this guy is suppose to be a bit frantic and hectic because of the situation that he was in but I think you could do this type of mood with a bit more order for the reader to follow. In easier to understand words, I feel that some of your tensing leaps are a bit much at times and that you should at least keep the the tensing the same in each paragraph. I feel it will make it a bit easier for the reader to follow the story. I know for a fact I'm not the best one to point out how to do your tensing and where to switch and whatnot so I must leave my tensing comments general (I wish I could help more with this situation though). I just feel the leaps from past to present to further past and then again to a closer past is a bit much at one time for the reader (specially for a story of this length).

The Story Told:

"Take my picture, Daddy," Chelsea screamed as only a vibrant, energetic nine-year-old could. <--- I like how you start your story but I think you could take out the age of the daughter in this beginning sentence and write it like so:

"Take my picture, Daddy," Chelsea screamed.

I'm not saying what you have is wrong but it is a bit telling in this story when it doesn't need to be. If you want the information of the daughter you should do it when he is talking to the investigating agent. You might be asking why? To me it seems odd to have this information connected to this screaming part because it is in the main characters dreams. I understand the main character is a visual person but as a father he probably doesn't see her as a nine year old in his dreams and only ever sees her as his daughter. So I think it is depersonalizing their relationship and should be with the cold facts as with the other cold facts with the polices and therapists and doctors.

One thing I noticed about your story a lot is you like to use the word "as" a lot. The interesting thing though is that it works with this character since he is use to watching things happen through a camera you would say he should write in this way. So I guess I wouldn't change it but normally I would see this type of following the scene and telling it in this way to be a bit unusual but here it is a perfect way to exploit the characters way in which he views the world.

"I peered through the viewfinder as it followed her around to the steps to climb back up."<-- here is a confusing part. Since the character controls the view finder you should have them moving the view finder since the view finder doesn't move itself. It gets a bit confusing what is in control of the situation. This is one of the instances where I would take out the "as" in this sentence and probably write it as if the main character moved the camera to follow his daughter.

"The room was dark and silent as a tomb, no trace of the screams that had once again awoken me remained." <-- this sentence is a little clunky and bulky. mostly what comes after the comma. Something like this would be more fitting in my eyes:

"..., no trace of our screams remind."
"..., no screams remind."
"..., not an echo could be found."

the problem with this sentence mostly is "that has once again awoken me" this is way too much for this sentence and you are reiterating the word "screams" which doesn't need to be done since you already said it was a silent tomb (which was a great LINE!)

"A thought knocked at the edge of my sleep-deprived consciousness,..."<-- I love what follows this part but I think you could take out "sleep-deprived" your list that follows is BRILLIANT! and I feel that this dwindles the effect of what comes next. You have a tendency to say things than enforce them through an explanation or what ever and I often fine your explanations to be a lot better then your initial statement of the issue. In other words I like how you say things the second time around and that you don't need the first time around all the time.

where you bring in the FBI agent and then go back to the main character waking up and walking to the bathroom I think you don't need to do these things separately and back and forth. IN FACT I think if you have him go into the bathroom and then think of the FBI agent telling him about the case there would be a better flow to the story. Specially, this would be a better lead into him getting mad of what happen and then where he breaks the mirror it will work out a bit easier for the reader to comprehend.

"I got up, stumbling in the dark to the bathroom....

"Daddy, did you capture me?"

So I'm saying I think this section should be right after the fourth paragraph ending with: "...it floated away leaving me shaking."

I think this will have a better flow. Even though it is suppose to be all over the place because this is how the character feels it should also not be all over the place since they are telling this story from the past they should have a better understanding of the events since all the events already happened.

So with this order that means the paragraph starting with: "Chelsea's words had taunted me every waking hour for the past three weeks;..." would come after those words or you could have the explanation of the words then this paragraph. OR you can have the words then the haunting then the explanation of the words. But I think the whole saying the words and going to the bathroom must come first before the stories and explanations of these two stories happen.

I think the part where you have the guys waiting is a bit long. If you want one part to seem longer it is the part where he is waiting in the room at the end of the story. This would make far more sense and also seem like he was thinking of all these things as well as the statement/thought:

Taken! I thought. But not dead. Her body had not yet been found. What did that agent tell me?

would have more meaning if the waiting part that was longer was in the waiting room of the therapist office.

with that said I feel the ending comes far to fast but it needs to be but also if you are thinking of sending this somewhere else you might want to easy into this last part a bit more and not make the waiting section with the detective so long. maybe mention it and then make the connection between the waiting for those points with the camera situation and the waiting for years and years in doctors offices and everything. You also might want to mention something about doctors or therapist in the beginning of this story. BUT make those about him since he can't sleep which started with what happened to his wife. SO in other words have him take a pill or something when he goes to the bathroom to try and calm himself down. This would make a lot of sense and also have a reason for all the thoughts that follow go all over the place (well to an extent since they are telling the story from way in the future). You can also set this up as a journal entry or something and the reason he is writing is because his therapist told him to get his feelings out so he can discuss them in his sessions. ALSO if you want you can say how he has problems looking at his camera again in the earlier parts of this story because of what happened with his daughter but how he got the passion back to look through the camera again when his daughter said the line again.

I understand some of my ideas might be all over the place and if you have any questions in what I said that I hope you ask me so I can decipher what I am trying to say for you.

Randomness

I think the parts of this story are great and how you use the voice of the main character as well as his job and other back stories with how he wrote this makes quite an interesting story. I think the order of the story needs work mostly for the readers mind to have a better understanding of what is going on without going back and forth so much. I'm guessing this story could be made longer but I actually like the length other than the part of the waiting for the film to develop which I feel is way to long and actually drags on the point that is being made.

I hope my suggestions help ya out and that you can fine someone to help you with how you could work the tensing in a not so back and forth and re-back motion.

Keep on Trucking

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#3354849

Review of They also

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Thanks for entering Round Five of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write a poem with Also in the title.

poem from: Unorthodox

Overall

I'm glad we finally got your entry entered into this contest so that I could get to this point and actually review it. Now for the extremely harsh evil review that might make you bleed do too the length I ramble in the review (I like to joke around too).

I like the idea of your poem (I think) but I think you need to work on it's focus a bit more. What do I mean by focus? I don't know who they are, it could be anyone or any group of people. Be it different countries at war or religions fighting for the holy land or two gangs fighting for their territory over the years you are being a bit vague in who you are talking about. I'm not saying for you to say it out right but at least give us a clue or some context into who is fighting in this situation. And yes I'm not being completely withdrawn from your poem because I see that you use the word faith which means you are probably discussing the religious battle of different religions fighting through their religion (which is a very good subject to talk about). The problem is that you come off very vague with this situation and I think you could have done a bit more if you were a bit more specific in mentioning religion or faith a few more times or how people change faith into their venue of hate instead of saying things like hating or killing or other abstract terms that hold too much meaning within them at once. I will continue about this issue a bit later in this review.

Title

I like the title actually and don't think you should change it at all. WELL done with that making it simple enough as well as all encompassing enough to summarizes your poem.

Structure

so one line I think that is way to vague for this poem is a very good line:

"Blindly they flicker the light of there souls in attempted faith."

I understand what you mean by having the light of the lord or of their faith to do these actions with a holy fist but saying this vague type of statement doesn't reach the reader all to well. I like it and it sounds really good but you need to get down from the abstract to the more images to help you control this poem. For instance instead of saying this you could say:

"They shoot with God to kill with grace"

or something a bit more concrete then trying to explain the wavering soul and the degradation of its religious purity. I like that you are asking big questions but you should show them a bit more in realer examples to help hurt the reader and making them feel like these things are wrong so they actually ask the questions within themselves rather than you asking the questions out right.

Besides being more concrete I think you need to focus your poem more on the continuation from line to line and not as once line then here comes another line then here comes another line. Your poem losses its flow at the ends and I think its mostly do to you trying to say too much at once in one line. Try and take it a little bit simpler so that one line isn't more important then the next line but more so that each line works together to get the point across. To keep these lines closer together you should try overlapping an idea over two lines or maybe ending a lines idea in the middle of a line (yes I did just say the same thing differently but it works).

I'm not trying to be harsh and I do think you have a wonderful idea here but I do think the idea is too big for this poem and might need more expanding in a longer poem so you can add more details and images to show the horror of what has happened in the name of God or a god over the years in history.

Randomness

You had some grammatical errors in this poem or maybe one that I saw when you used "there" instead of "their" so be careful and always remember to go back and reread your work even if you think it is done because in all reality it is never done.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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14 days may be credited.

#3354318

Review of Saint Also

Review by Radler Zpheitor

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Five of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write a poem with Also in the title.

poem from: ridinghhood-p.boutilier

Overall

I think this idea is GREAT with the different comparisons and the different religious thoughts you put into them all going around tasting many different religions at once. Quite interesting indeed. The one thing that could have been better is the organization of these ideas. I'm not saying that they are horrible or anything but I think it needs to be woven a little bit tighter to make this poem stronger. Your words are done well feeding off each other from one sound to the next and throwing in some like rhymes in there as well but I think you needed to get the meaning into this complex construction as well without seeming very all over the place but like I said it isn't as bad as the words "all over the place" sounds like.

Title

the title works for me. Not to complicated but it does say more then just summarizing the poem specially in putting the words in that order. But I like how you did that a lot.

Structure

To tell you the truth. I've been having difficulties in reviewing your entry and this one alone has taking me a lot of thinking and wavering in my mind. The problem I have is the order in which everything comes because I feel like the beginning is too strong and should really be the ending of the poem. The problem I have with moving this stanza to the bottom is the construction of your first lines in each stanza. They go very well in this order and also makes it that the "could have been" should be first so it makes it a bit harder to work out. Truthfully Im not sure how to go about rearranging your poem but I feel that it needs some sort of rearrangement to have a stronger poem overall.

AHH... I just got an idea which might be the problem in this poem for me. It is the question "I would have worked" into "I should have worked" and at the same time I would have flipped the third and first stanzas with each other. Even though the first stanza seems weird to end with because of the last line presuming a lingering feeling I think it would be a cool way to end.

Randomness

Like I said before this poem was very hard for me to review. I think because it seems to want to have more lines within this poem rather than the amount it has. It has so much stuffs in it I think it is feeling a bit bloated and you might want to try and elongate the poem when the round is over. I don't suggest this often but this poem defiantly needs some more room to really show its stuff.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3350607

Review of O Seniorita

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Four of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

"Invalid Entry"

poem from: PoeticFox

Overall

I like the simplicity of this little poem but I think there is a point when simplicity doesn't say enough. The plain forthright language doesn't give much to the imagination to envision what is going on or where we are in the world. I'm not saying you had to do this but it might have been better if you described a bit more of this girl in this dress or why you want this one black dress to be making love to you rather than a lady in the red dress. This is one fact I do like about your poem a lot. You didn't go with the hot red dress and chose the black dress. There could be a many different reasons why she might have been wearing a black dress and I don't feel like going into all of them all because I would only be interjecting onto this poem instead of simply reading it.

Title

I like the title a lot but I wish you didn't put it into the poem itself. The poem is short enough as is and having the title as your first line makes the poem even shorter because you already reiterated what was already said but I do like your title and thought it fit quite well.

Line Suggestions

"lover tonight"- I think you could have been less abstract with this line. Lover tonight could mean so many different experiences in any physical act but lets get a bit more specific with the mood as well as what you might see with this slower song. I see the curves of the black dress moving slowly back and forth and her body twirling in slow motion from my seat in the corner of the restaurant. Or maybe it is the waitress going from table to table swinging her hips from side to side with a try high in the air and her fluid moments just lose you to thoughts of hunger that is more than your order for dinner. So I like the setup but like most poems when you use abstract terms like love you need to show the reader how it is with concrete images to make them feel it.

Randomness

It is a great start to a poem but I think you needed to dig a bit deeper and feel the musical prompt to really let it soar into the readers hearts.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3345015

Review of I leave

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Two of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

I leave now...

Please follow the prompt and take the prompt as literally or as abstractly as you would like to take it. You do not have to use the prompt inside your poem or as the title of your poem. The "I" can be a representation of anything you could think of, meaning it does not have to be you or anyone else. You can use the ellipsis if you chose to but you do not have to if you do not want to. I think that is enough nothing for this round. ENJOY!

poem from: ridinghhood-p.boutilier

Overall

I like how you took this prompt for your poem. Instead of a person or relationship leaving the poem persona in this poem it is a feeling that a person is trying to leave outside their front door. So I read this as the stress from the day intruding into the poem persona's mind at night making them not sleep. At the end it seems to me that this person needs to learn how they can't worry about everything because it causes them so much strain at night. I like how you carry this whole image throughout the poem with the same image as how you end it however I wish you brought it out of the bird metaphor and back to the trembling aspect in the first stanza. There are some things I would limit and then add onto this poem but I think it works well overall.

Title

I feel that your title doesn't fit too well with the poem itself or does it add a level of meaning or interpretation to the overall poem. Truthfully, it feels like you titled it this since it is the prompt of the contest. This is fine but I'm mean and heartless and always demand more because I'm greedy like that. First off I feel that the title is too strong for this poem. Well maybe not too strong but more so too confident in its stand. It is clear in the poem that this persona is having a problem letting go of their stress so being certain in the title seems more contradicting then helping this poems overall effect.

Structure

as I stated above I thought this was great that you kept this image/metaphor of the unwillingness to let go of things very well but that there were some things I would of changed. Most of all are some of your extended conceptual redundancies. What do I mean? well I think that some of the things you say you say it enough the first time and don't need to continue it on further then you did so that you could either add more information for the reader or change the line construction or whatever you would like to do with this freed up space. For example:

"my fears, anxieties,
inklings and wonderings"

I feel you could combine these descriptions into one line instead of extending these feelings into another and then leaving you with a bit more room to do whatever you want with that space.

I also feel like you could shorten things even more. 12 lines to me is a lot because I'm weird plus I think so much is unnecessary in between the important thoughts and words a person has in a poem. for example I would write these lines:

"I leave my hatchlings there
knowing that tiny birds"

into something like:

"I leave my hatchlings
knowing"

so in other words I don't feel that reiterating the birds again is necessary and that eliminating these few words creates a more solemn tone to the ending of this poem.

other wise I think for the most part the overall metaphor works great.

Randomness

Furthermore I think the middle stanza metaphor of creating a place for these problems to be left is a bit much or actually I like it but I think that the construction of it could have been a bit different. more so like:

a nest
at the doorstop
of my...

I think you need to have this "nest" part have a reiteration of the persona's feelings as stated in the beginning stanza to remind the reader that this isn't really about birds.

I also wish there was a bit more of this poem as in what makes these fears and other things or a mention of them to see if they are general everyday things or if they are some type of thing that would seem odd to most people.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

to see the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the third round if I finish the reviews faster than expected.

Keep on Trucking

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#3344427

Review of love like a wind

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Two of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

I leave now...

Please follow the prompt and take the prompt as literally or as abstractly as you would like to take it. You do not have to use the prompt inside your poem or as the title of your poem. The "I" can be a representation of anything you could think of, meaning it does not have to be you or anyone else. You can use the ellipsis if you chose to but you do not have to if you do not want to. I think that is enough nothing for this round. ENJOY!

poem from: Never Forget

Overall

This poem is short and tries to take a complex-direct approach using simplistic language in a complex formation. I like this style and have written many poems in this way. The only thing is that I think this poem doesn't get its main idea across in this situation which is what I will talking about most of this review.

Title

For me this title is a bit of a waste. Not that it is wrong or that it doesn't fit the poem but this poem is only four lines and the title is the whole third line which means it isn't adding new to the poem as far as another layer of meaning to the whole poem. Now there is one thing that I love about this title more then the third line which is where the title comes from. Without having the word "for" makes this line so much better one in making a statement in how one should "love like a wind".

but this is notion in the title isn't present as you wrote it inside the poem so it is very confusing in general.

Structure

I think your first two lines are fine and where the poem gets very confusing is the last two lines but even more so is that there needs to be something in between line two and three to give this little poem the substance it deserves. First let me explain the confusion of the third and fourth lines before getting ahead of myself. In looking at these lines we need to see them together since they are one thought together.

"For love like a wind
Is ever gone."

this to me is saying "[because] love like [the] wind, is [always] gone. Which is nice but the way in which you wrote it is more confusing because of the usage of "for" and "ever". Also, a wind in most senses is always present but not seen which would have a bit more meaning if you represented this aspect of the wind rather then it always leaving which I'm not sure is correct or not since a wind never settles. However you might be saying this about love in general but as I said before you didn't write this in that way.

basically the reason why this part is so confusing is that you have nothing in the middle of this poem. Going from one thought without saying why and then going straight into another more abstract theory type of statement/thought brings an openness of ambiguity and disconnection between these two thoughts that the reader can't associate or decipher what possibilities are in the poem to interpret the poem.

So I think you need some sort of reason that links the reason for the poem persona for leaving their present love with a link to the reason why love is how the poem describes it is to get a more cohesive and complete in the thought this poem might be or might not be presenting.

Randomness

It seems to me you are trying to mimic a much older language use as well which I think you might want to step away from. Why? It sounds alright but overall in deciphering such things with the words you used brings on a mount of definitions that don't hold the same truth as they use to which in turn loses the effectiveness of the usage of these words in the poem.

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