Hello,
I saw this on the review request page and thought I'd have a look.
First of all - you need to change the rating to 18+ due to languge. Note that this sight counts words substituted for certain words as being of the higher rating too.
I really identified with this story as one of my best friends is dyslexic, and he got placed in the special ed classes through school, but he's one of the smartest people I know. He still has trouble reading, but he can solve calculus equations in his head.
I found very little wrong with the spelling and grammar, but did find a couple of minor things;
"Johnny went home, hugged his mother, and smiled." - Teddy went home, not Johnny
"...smarter thanhim when it came..." - missing space.
I think that you should consider using the word "dyslexia" in here somewhere. I was able to identify it because of my relationship with my friend, but I'm sure that many of your readers won't know what you are talking about.
Overall I think it's an excellent story - Teddy's experience was very similar to that of my friend, and you have done a realistic and readable job of preenting it.
This review is specifically for the poem "Burning Fate", but applies pretty well to all of the poems in this book.
I have been reading through the poems in this book and my general impression is that they are technically correct but seem to lack the color and vision one would normally expect from poetry - it is that they are very technically corect. I understand that this stems from the fact that you are not a native speaker of the english language, and from that vantage point I must commend you on an outstanding job overall.
If I were to rate these works on the basis of how they sounded or rolled off my tongue I would have to give them relatively low marks, but you have done an exceptional job of expressing your view - and that of people who are not Americans (of which I must admit that I am one).
I commend and thank you for taking the time to express a viewpoint which few Americans can see (which you do in fact mention in the introduction). It is the lack of perspective in my own people that drives me to the edge of sanity, and you have taken the time to express my own conceptions and views from the perspective of someone on the other side of the fence from myself.
What I liked the most was your response to the annonymous reviewer - you carefully and respecfully answered his/her challenges and pointed out some facts which of which most people in this country are not aware (even a couple of years after you wrote it) - and you did not reply with anger, which was probably your right in this case.
My hat is off to you, sir. You have earned my respect and my gratitude.
You've done an excellent job of capturing the spirit here in a very short poem.
Very impressive!
I have no issues with spelling or grammar, but there is one thing you might want to think about;
These lines appear, seperated by a few more;
this embrace (great couple of lines!) ...
...
sweet solace
These do not rhyhme, n'or are they intended to, but they clash against each other because of the spelling. For me, it tears me from the dream and makes me try to figure out what you are saying - as opposed to feeling the words in a flow. The concept you present is excellent, but I would try to mix it differently.
It's really good though, and I am glad I took the time to read. Thank you!
Very well spoken.
This is a nice piece of very well developed thought.
There is one spot you might want to look at it; What does that place signify? - you refer to the places as "that" - but a couple sentences later it's "this place". This might have been intentional - but maybe not too.
Thanks for the read, and I agree with you whole heartedly!
Robert
I don't know about this one. The concept is great, but I find it difficult to read - hard to see the indivdual concepts.
Maybe if you broke the lines into tiny morsels it would taste better.
Consider the first stanze just broken into concepts;
The Day tugs at the Sun,
urging one moment more
than its yester-twin.
The bright Spark
responds to its call.
This is probably not the conceptual framework you were thinking of and you would probably have to break at differnt points, but (for me) it would work better.
Note that this is just my impression - it is interesting and beautiful as it stands.
It's wonderful the way this poem splashes! Happy gurgling - that's a unique effect you have achieved here, and I like it.
I think that it's intentional, but the end of the poem seems to fracture for me. You've got a bit of rhythm and meter going for a second there, but it ends with an uncomfortable twist (for me).
Consider just removing the "tea, tea, tea" from the end and see what it tastes like on you tongue, or not.
Anyway - a very funny and fun piece here - I like it a lot. Thanks for the read!
It is much improved structurally. I still think that you have too many line breaks inside some of the paragraphs, but it does not detract too much from the story - and this might be a matter of personal preference.
Again, EXCELLENT story - I like it a lot.
Write on!
I saw the link to this in the Fantasy Newsletter and had to check it out.
FANTASTIC job you've done with this one.
I was a bit confused with tense a couple of times, but realized that most of it is there because you are telling the story from several temporal perspectives. I think that it works for you pretty well here.
I really like the first time she goes in and you say "...grass rubbed delightfully against ..." - this whole paragraph was very vivid - like the electronic dream it was supposed to be.
I was surprised by the ending - somehow I wasn't expecting that, but realized that I should have been - you got me - excellent job!
I did have some mechanical observations;
This sentence seems too long; Jacks, as almost everyone knows, have been around for years, used to be you could get one anywhere plug into the nearest portal and plop right into your own custom built fantasy world. - you might consider putting a period after "years" and starting a new sentence. It also seems like you need a comma between "anywhere" and "plug".
Paragraph 10 (starts with "Pretty soon there were...") doesn't need all of those line breaks.
"Well the cute hunky..." - should be a comma after "Well"
"So Next thing I know, Milky says. "Hay..." - consider moving the comma after "know" to just after "So", or simply adding one there. Also, should be a comma instead of a period after "says"
"...does she avoids hangovers?" - either drop the "s" from "avoids" or axe the word "does"
"So here I was standing..." - should be a comma after "was"
"Just the kind of advice I would expect ..." - don't need to capitalize "Just"
"Sad thing is,on me,it ..." - missing spaces after both commas
"So she got out the cable the jack guy had provided and plugged it into my beat up old Pentium IX then I took the end and placed it behind my ear." - this sentence left me gasping for air. Try breaking it in two or maybe just adding a comma after "IX"
"...something, anything solid I reached..." - missing period after "solid"?
"...puffy clouds above, off in the distance ..." - consider changing the comma to a period and starting a new sentence with "Off in the..."
"The Tall grass ..." T/t
"...at the shuttle station, we promised to write..." - another one you might consider changing to a period.
"...still looked concerned, surprising, I didn't know ..." - should be a period after "concerned". There are severl places where you are joining to manny things with commas (look up "comma splice" on the internet or in a text). Make sure that an individual sentence only has one subject.
There are many places wher you have missed a space after a comma, and a couple where there is one before it.
I think that you could remove many of the line breaks (not the gaps between paragraphs).
All in all - an OUTSTANDING story in my opinion. Very well executed. The plot and most of the spelling and grammar are very good.
Let me know if you dress it up and I'd be happy to look it over again and re-rate it, for with some polish it would easily rate higher.
Thanks very much for the enjoyable read, and Write On!
This is very well written and very vivid, but it left me empty and full of confusion. You create conflict, but you don't really define the reasons for it, nor do you come to any kind of resolution.
I can't help but think that this is just a little piece of something larger and it's very difficult to rate something like this without the context in which it belongs.
Your grammar and spelling are excellent, except for the last sentence - should be "...in a fetal position, occasionally..."
If you decide to expand on this I'd be happy to revisit it and re-rate it, as long as you promise not to leave me in such a state of confusion.
You've done a good job with revisions - this is still a great piece and is well told, but I still have several issues with your meter and rhyme, but it might be that I'm simply missing the point of what you are trying to do.
Though the work flows well, there does not seem to be an underlying structure to the meter. If you are trying to create an epic ballad type work, the number of syllables and accents in each line should follow the same pattern from stanza to stanza, and if you have decided on the aabb rhyme scheme you should also be consistant with that. I have to mention at this point that you might not have been attempting this, so that last point would be moot.
Second stanza, "Or vampires seek to feed on life at night" - consider rewording this for better flow and logic, something like "Or vampires seeking to feed at night"
The dark wolf brings on paralysis - might fit the flow better if you got rid of "on"
"paralysis" and "seditious" do not rhyme
The short stanza which begins "She is unable yet..." Sounds very good - it flows good and the rhymes are not forced. Because this is only 2 lines instead of 4, it stands out like a chorus in a song. You do the 2 line bit later in the poem, but it's not to the same meter or rhyme as the first. Consider working in a chorus based on the first 2 line stanza with only minor changes when it is repeated.
Fourth Stanza; "Poisonous fangs show desire" - might fit the meter better if you said "Poison" - dropping one syllable makes the line roll off the tongue better.
5th Stanza;
"Fear" and "nears" do not rhyme, and there is a bit of a meter problem with ; Chanting, she overcomes her fear - you might fix both issues by re-writing that line something like; "Chanting, she destroys her fears"
6th stanza;
"kill" and "steal" do not rhyme
9th stanza;
"deaf" and "end" do not rhyme
-----------------------
Note that most of these notes are based on my assumption that you are trying to create a clasic ballad type story, but this might not be the case. If it is correct, you need to play with the meter and rhyme a bit more, though it is an improvement over what it was. If my assumption is wrong and you are shooting for something more like free verse, then you need to get rid of a lot of the rhymes.
All in all, a GREAT story poem, just needs a little more polish.
Write On!
Very well done!
This is a powerful tory and you do an excellent job of describing the emotions and the scene.
A few technical details caught my eye;
Though it is technically correct, you might consider changing this line; "And I sure didn’t feel like throwing up as much as I do now." to something like "And he sure didn't feel like throwing up as much as he did now (or; "at that moment").
"She said everyone gathers and watch the sun go down..." might be "...TO watch the sun go down"
Consider changing this line; “Do you think we can stop for breakfast soon? I’m getting kind of hungry” she asked. to "...stop for breakfast soon? she asked, "I'm getting kind of hungry" as the second part is not a question but a statement and she would not have "asked" that she was getting hungry.
"There’s a little breakfast place on Marathon Bob told me about..." - could be just me, but I had to read this twice to catch it - you might consider adding "that" between "Marathon" and "Bob"
"There was only five other people on the bus with her, - should be "...were only five..."
Overall rating - excellent! You kept me on your hook through the entire story, and there were very few grammatical errors.
"...The Person smiled at the blissful sleep awaiting him." - this is a touch awkward. "Blissful sleep" is not an object, but a concept. You might say this better by saying something like "in anticipation of" instead of "at the".
"This was the final straw." - though the sentence is probably correct, "This" sounds more like present tense in this case, while the story is written in the past tense. Maybe "That" would be a better word.
In the final paragraph, you speak of the final victory of the fly before you have the Person leave the room. Might not the celebration need to be after the victory?
Note that I didn't find any problems with grammar or spelling. The story is very good, and the things I pointed out may or may not be issues - take them with a grain of salt.
After reading your feedback to my original review of this piece, and after looking up the definition of "asyndeton" on the link you provided, I realized that I was in error with most of the things which I pointed out.
I came to a new understanding of what you did, and you showed me a different way to look at some of these issues. Through this piece you caused me to understand that "classical" rules can be broken intentionally to very good effect, and when I read it in that light I realized that this is a REALLY exceptional piece, and my original rating was far too low.
Thanks not only for the read, but for the erudition it provided! Well done - I'll have to dig into your port and see if I can't learn something else from you...
Excellent story - very well done. The ending is perfect.
I really like the way she feels the angry sounds of her parents as a caress on her cheek. This is a very realistic feeling for someone in her situation.
I also like the way she says "I hate her....", but then holds the car door for her mother.
I did have a few issues with this;
You mention a "girl" in your description, but the person in the story makes no reference to his/her gender. This isn't really a problem, but you might want to think about removing the reference in your description and leaving the child genderless, or adding it in to the story somewhere. Leaving her/him without gender might let the reader connect better with the character as they would make up their own, and their own version of the character might have more reality for them than if you created it for them.
This sentence is not quite right; "I am separate from them, their anger, their fear." - there are a few ways you might consider changing this. The most simple way might be to simply add the word "and" before "their fear", but that still doesn't sound quite right. Maybe try "...from their anger, from their fear" or "...seperate from their anger, sperate from their fear." - maybe use other words (seperate, apart, distinct from, etc...)
"I close my eyes, and I feel..." - I don't think that the comma needs to be there .
"...I can see that my room is immaculate."
"I force my my eyes open. I stare at her. She looks away." - nothing wrong with these lines, but when did she close her eyes? The last thing this reader saw was that she was looking at her mother...
"I know that if I confess to him, things will change..."
Overall, this story is very good - it just needs some simple tweeking to make it exceptional.
Hello again!
I was pleasently surprised to stumble over this one - I just randomly picked one from the "Request Reviews" page and discovered this re-worked version of one of your previous stories.
I like this much better than the first - it's more refined and flows better.
I did find a couple of tiny issues;
"He sawsees it as plain as the people he now sits with." - You might consider rewording this one a bit - try something like "He sees it as plainly as he does the people with whom he now sits."
"She moves with a grace and beauty that wasis easily recognizable."
"He watches her in another room as she stops to grab a cup off a table and walk toward him." - both times that you use this sentence, it sounds a bit awkward. Should it be "walks" instead of "walk"? What if you switched it around a bit; "...she stops to grab a cup from a table, then walks toward..."? maybe...
This is a very good story - it would make a great "Twilight Zone" episode...
Ha! Very amusing!
I can almost see the illustrations which should go with this.
To me, your spelling and grammar look very good, I don't see any errors there (which is MOST important with a book for children!)
I'm not sure that the Dragon should "destroy" the forest. I like the idea of using words in a children's book which are beyond the reading level of the audience as it helps to grow their vocabulary, but it might be better in this case to use a word like "consumed". (Of course, my reasoning is that it would be more "politacally correct", which is a phrase I often wish would be consumed...)
I think that your repetion works well here, and you have selected some good examples.
Overall, I like it! I look forward to reading it to my grandchildren some day!
Bravo!
Although your use of so many esoteric words will limit your audience, I think that this is an awesome start - I laughed my way through most of it. (noatbly the line about releaseing the flesh eating plant on the shrews).
Some mechanical notes;
In the first paragraph, the sentence which speaks of the "ill famed incident" is really long - consider breaking this into two or three sentences.
2nd paragraph;
A sentence says "...and fostered plants of the most fantastical and the most mundane form possible and yet..." might sound better if you said "...and fostered plants from the most fantastical to the most mundane forms possible, yet..." (drop the word "and" before "yet")
next sentence; "...overwhelming and aesthetically..." - should be a comma after "overwhelming"
third paragraph; "...contact with a human being had occurred three thousand years ago and..." the word "ago" is normally used from the present tense - basically means "before this moment", but you are writing the story in the past. Use something like "before", and it should be followed by a comma.
5th paragraph; "...and the goddess, upon hearing that it meant ‘fair fame’ and being a little narcissistic in disposition,..." note the commas - you might want to ask someone with a more "official" knowledge of english that I about this sentence - there might need to be another comma after "fair game", but I'm not sure...
8th paragraph; "...justified an existence that took advantage of them understood..." is slightly ambiguous. Consider changing "them" to "humans" (maybe)
All in all a very good beginning. I'd love to see what this becomes if you decide to finish the work.
Fantastic story!
This is very well written, and I like the unique perspective.
I really like the way you dragged them back through the folds of memory - it was almost like I was waking up from a dream myself.
Are you sure though about the "E" rating? This could be a very frightening story for young children.
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