don't fit the meter or the general structure of the other lines. I think they are unnecessary, because the other contrasts are strong enough to imply them.
I like the layout. If the last three lines were centered, then the poem would read across as written, and down in two contrasting columns. (Read the beautiful, then the ugly, then the tag lines.) The layout suits the poem well as it is. I especially like that the second line (ugly) is offset. This increases the impact of the "underlying" trait, and emphasizes the contrasts. Good work.
This is a beautiful story. It is well written and flows from start to finish. You made me smile, worry, and cry. You made me care. There is a typo in the title (dd/did) which is the only thing I suggest changing. Excellent handling of a sad, difficult story. Brava, Winnie Kay.
Secreted - hidden away.
This is amusing and nicely written. There are few places where the word choice is awkward - secreted, embellished - and the sentence structure a little cumbersome - 'He limped into the living room which was embellished with the same nasty decor as the hall, also added to this room was a slumped (for slumped was the only word to describe it ) sofa.'
Nicely descriptive. I see a bleak, uncared for neighborhood, abandoned and decaying. I clearly get the resignation and despair of the character and the environment. Best, the unspeakable horror is both unspeakably horrible and very amusing. It makes me wonder what poor John did to deserve such a nasty fate.
I suggest reading this aloud to hear where the awkward phrasing is. In some places, simply altering the punctuation strengthens the sentence, i.e.:
It was useless, he knew whatever force that controlled his hand could not be stopped and he realised the worse part of hell had begun.
It was useless, he knew; whatever force controlled his hand could not be stopped, and he realised the worse part of his hell had begun again.
This is well written. I like the naming convention you used for the Ryk brothers. I had the impression there were four brothers - the twin cried out, the elder brothers looked to the protagonist - yet only three are mentioned in the telling. In general, the story flows very well. I think you covered the fight scene nicely, without having to resort to a blow-by-blow account. What do you think the people would do if they knew the truth? Would they mock him, kill him, exile him? Or would they dismiss his tale as modesty or unimportant because the end result is all that matters to them? I think if you have a clear idea in your mind what the protagonist thinks will happen, it would make his narrative more convincing. You don't need to tell us in the story, but I think if you know it will impact your writing.
I don't feel the protagonist's shame. I think he speaks too plainly when he discusses his attempts to run and his failure to act. Think about how you feel revealing something that is emotionally charged for you. Even saying it aloud, to yourself, it's hard to say. I think the places where he admits to being frozen with shock, panicked into running, and possibly where Alryk shoves him to the ground should be more haltingly told.
I also think the story needs some segue from the throne room to the 2 mile distance from the city. Something as simple as having the protagonist scoop up the bloodied prophet and run pell-mell from the hall could fit into a single sentence and still move the scene smoothly out of the city.
In the 14th paragraph, breathe should be breath.
In the 15th paragraph, the phrasing "...before relaying his last message. His final message was this." seems redundant. I would eliminate "before - message." Also, 'His last message was this' needs a colon or dash, followed by the message.
The last paragraph stumbles over so many forms of coward. I would replace that sentence with something very simple, like "Yet, I fear death."
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/savialeigh/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 2:36am on May 23, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
