Thank you so much for taking the time to write and provide this information. I have three children's books in the pipeline, one finished and proofread by a few good (though underemployed) editors, just waiting on the proper information to submit to a publishing house, one written but not cleaned up and one in the writing process right now.
So, in between reading and reviewing on WDC, I'm trying to find out all I can about publishing. Having your input is a real shot in the arm!!!
Wow this is really powerful. Your matter of fact tone and simple words paint a picture of contrast all the more horrific.
'Once a man, now a shell,
I have no voice, or tales to tell.' Awesome lines!
One suggestion, though, in the lines:
I could say yes, for one last time,
But then my body wont be mine.
Either I 'can' say yes for the last time...or
'Then my body would not be mine' (drop the but) Either one of these seems more correct to me (something about could being past tense and wont, future tense...
First off, I LOVED YUOR ENDING!!! Seriously, it was awesome.
On to the critique:
What seems to me to be a problem here is the non-conformity of the beats in each line. The beat count of the first paragraph is 9 10 9 11, the next paragraph 10 13 9 12, This uneveness makes it difficult to read smoothly. (The way to count the beats is every syllable is one beat.)
But aside from that (which is easily remedied) I love your word choice:
It is amazing. You use such simple words and such decieving simplicity in you repetiiton yet your writing evokes so much emotion! You don't expect it...
Wow.
Wow! Excellent work! The rhyme scheme is so interesting- I don't know if I've ever seen something like this before, but it's exceptionally well done! I can see that this poem was well thought- out. I love the structure- the way the first paragraph speaks of material things that may cause you to stumble/ get hurt, the second of the discovery that harm is actually coming from inside of you and the last paragraph where you realize that the pretensious and busy world clouding your vision prevents you from seeing the earth's goodness.
The idea here is beautiful and experessed in an orignial way. Have you entered this in a contest??? I should think this is first prize material!
Keep it up!!!
PS Does the style of this poem have a name? Or did your rhyme and rhythm just work out very well through your own experimenting...?
Ok, I don't agree with everything you mention (is that too soft a word?) here, but I thought the way you wrote it up (in paragraphs and article form, yet rhyming the sentences) was original and well executed(uh-oh, unintentional pun ;) ). I have a hard time picking out descriptions/ sentences that I like, because there are things you wrote that I don't want to repeat and strongly disagree with. However, there is no question that you have some excellent wording here, so I will do it. I just wanted to make my personal stand on this clear.
"With balled up flags they stuff their ears"
"Sad sight, so many flags draped over coffins never seen, the sinister lies that filled them neatly hidden behind a patriotic sheen"
Again, I don't agree with the content, but the imagery is great, the wording original.
This would make a fantastic rap song... Is that what you were trying to do?
Unfair, unfair! Where's the rest of the story? You got me hooked! Okay, I guess we'll have to wait patiently. Now for the review part... :)
"not knowing you, not seeing you, just wishing for you all the same"- that feeling, when you're wishing for that someone who you don't even know, never met, yet know exists somewhere... you captured it expertly.
"the tree wept as it shared the thought" great, original use of animation- there's something about this sentence that is so beautiful (me as I'm reading this: "sigh")
My favorite line is:
"touches missed, misses touched only by regrets not known" I caught my breath as I read this part. Lines like these are what differentiate between the mediocre and the excellent- I think this is perfect! I wouldn't change anything here at all- don't see any spelling or grammar errors. Keep up the fantastic work!
I'm giving you a five even though there are some things you can touch up a bit because - I love your style!!! Editors you can find by the half of penny but style isn't something you can pass up on! I'm divining that you're a teen or else you have a great sense of teen speak and thought processes.
Your style is: Conversational, funny, without being corny or deteriorating into something silly. I like the way you include anecdotes from past experiences, it gives your writing a real, honest feeling!
I love your ending as well! It is overflowing with meaning without being preachy. (Though I think you could probably build your idea up a bit more...)
Didn't get to see the picture prompt but this here piece sure is creepy!
It was fun to read. A bit R.L. Stine-ish.
'cast into the image,' cast into the fire, maybe, or into the ocean... Maybe you mean 'cast in the...'
Interior, exterior, area - these words don't make you see anything. They have an architectural feel to them which immediately has you thinking of interior decorating and not of something with a bloody or maudlin nature.
I think you can polish up a bit of your sentence structure. This would clarify your images.
As in - 'She was in her late teens, her long flowing hair safely pulled back and tucked inside her wool hat.' Is that when her long flowing hair was tucked into her hat, in her late teens? What is the connection? Why don't you split these two into separate sentences?
'Her heavy winter coat was wrapped tightly around her body as the flashlight she carried wavered in her unsteady hand.' What ties these two thoughts together? Maybe you wanted to say, 'The cold metal zipper on her heavy winter coat jangled and the flashlight wavered in her shaking hands.' That would join those two thoughts. If there is nothing to cement two thoughts don't force them into a sentence together. There is nothing wrong with shorter sentences.
'But it was early in the afternoon, and daylight should remain for several hours. 'Was, should' I'm not sure but this doesn't sound right. Do these verbs agree with each other, past tense, future...?
Pushing her dark hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear with a gloved hand - Personal preference? I would pick only one of the first two...
Pushing her dark hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear with a gloved hand, she advanced into the pitch darkness that loomed beyond the door. Maybe, 'She pushed her dark hair out of her face and advanced...
'The thin beam of light from the flashlight seemed inadequate, for it barely penetrated the dust that was hanging in the air alone.' Alone, as in having no company? Or the alone is in the wrong place as that is the message it conveys.
'Biting her lip, she advanced on the room' Maybe 'She bit her lip and stepped forward.'
'Literally splattered' If you are saying it's splattered, then that is what it is. Literally is excess, unless you meant liberally.
'The innocent room she had entered was literally splattered with drying blood, streamers of which were still dribbling down like paint to merge with the pool already spread across the floor while up near the ceiling it looked as if someone had run amok with a paintbrush.' Very long sentence. Why not cut it up either by the first comma, or by 'while up near the ceiling...'
'Dimly she could feel the footsteps dogging behind her' Firstly, maybe a comma after dimly. Secondly, why doesn't she dimly 'hear' them? Or maybe you mean she is 'dimly aware of...'
That is the beginning if you would like to work on it a bit more and would like me to re-review it let me know via email.
Good Luck at the Contest!
Your first two lines are absolutely fabulous. They set a tone that is lulling and peaceful, sleeplike!
I like your repetition of ’let me dream now,’ it is like the rising and falling of a sleeping persons breath. I just not sure though, about the central lines, I think that you can choose words and wishes that were a little more picturesque, for example 'Of a world thats calm and peaceful' is a very clichéd line, can you change it for something more evocative, emotive, original? Something mood inspiring, I don't know, just a thought, 'A world that's placid as an undisturbed lake,' or something...A feeling...
punctuation: 'thats' if you don't want to use any punctuation then maybe change this to 'that is'
Great feel, great beginning, see if you can strengthen the mid lines
You have an interesting and fetching idea here! Great feel, something like the book Mandy. A terrible life that gets so bad it must get better from here, or at least more interesting! Tania sounds like a really cool character, too. The house sounds mysterious... You can definitely develop from here into a real enticing story.
Really fun, I liked!
One thing. It seems to me that you didn't really follow a rhythm, though, and I'm not sure if that was intentional or not.
Des/ti/na/tion I/ma/gi/na/tion 9 syllables
Fan/ta/sy Fa/sci/na/tion 7 syllables
And so on and so forth.
Although each line was a different amount of syllables, the only one that really hiccupped when read for some reason was, 'Holiday afar' I would at least change that, maybe to, 'Hol'day afar' or something of that sort. Maybe...
Thank you for your suggestion. This type of poetry sure hits the spot!
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