I am reviewing this for Challenge 7 in the Paper Doll Gang.
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.
First Impressions:This is a sweet and interesting story that kept me engrossed from beginning to end. Parts of this story were very unexpected and surprising and kept me reading. The story seemed real to me, and I could sympathize with the character.
General Grammar:I didn't notice anything major...but I saw a typo "madeher," It was in the sentence. (First Sentence, fourth paragraph..."At breakfast, her dad had madeher a cheese omelet."
Structure: The structure was nice, simple, and straightforward. It didn't really leave any room to get confused, but their was a paragraph that needed to be divided into two, that way the thought could hang a little bit longer.
Personally I'd take the second paragraph, and make it two paragraphs like this:
Her dad thought it was just the great outdoors that appealed to her, and its vastness allowed her a place to fit in. The only alternative to the countryside was drugs or locked away in some facility, in which case, she would be drugged. The belief that drugs would make her better caused her to become a shell of her normal self, a near lifeless zombie.
Sara’s father spent his life as a doctor and making people feel better, yet couldn’t help his own daughter. He was bound and determined to do whatever it took to make her well. Taking a lot of time off for her was about all he could do. He raised her in the countryside and had to hire help to home school her. Really, she would receive her GED sometime this year. He encouraged her to take some online courses and perhaps become a medical transcriptionist, but would allow her to make up her own mind.
Theme: The theme, is simple and beautiful...Finding faith. I liked the fact, that it wasn't finding the normal/ideal Christian faith. This added to the story, and kind of gave a note that faith is faith.
Conflict: There was a good conflict in the story. I personally, loved the part about catching the mosquitoes. Especially the end, where Sara let them go, and felt like she was loosing part of herself. That part really stuck with me, and took your story to a really interesting beautiful level. I, also, wished I could have seen the contraption that Sara made, as I found it interesting. Probably because I was wondering how anyone could possibly catch 100 mosquitoes. That mosquito part seemed very real to me.
Other Notes & Overall Thoughts: This is a beautiful story and I enjoyed it alot.
Could you please critique this review, and go to the challenge forum and leave a message saying that you received a review from me?
Thanks,
The_Cavity
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