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96 Public Reviews Given
96 Total Reviews Given
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26
26
Review of Miss Fit  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I am reviewing this for Challenge 7 in the Paper Doll Gang.

Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:This is a sweet and interesting story that kept me engrossed from beginning to end. Parts of this story were very unexpected and surprising and kept me reading. The story seemed real to me, and I could sympathize with the character.

General Grammar:I didn't notice anything major...but I saw a typo "madeher," It was in the sentence. (First Sentence, fourth paragraph..."At breakfast, her dad had madeher a cheese omelet."

Structure: The structure was nice, simple, and straightforward. It didn't really leave any room to get confused, but their was a paragraph that needed to be divided into two, that way the thought could hang a little bit longer.

Personally I'd take the second paragraph, and make it two paragraphs like this:

Her dad thought it was just the great outdoors that appealed to her, and its vastness allowed her a place to fit in. The only alternative to the countryside was drugs or locked away in some facility, in which case, she would be drugged. The belief that drugs would make her better caused her to become a shell of her normal self, a near lifeless zombie.

Sara’s father spent his life as a doctor and making people feel better, yet couldn’t help his own daughter. He was bound and determined to do whatever it took to make her well. Taking a lot of time off for her was about all he could do. He raised her in the countryside and had to hire help to home school her. Really, she would receive her GED sometime this year. He encouraged her to take some online courses and perhaps become a medical transcriptionist, but would allow her to make up her own mind.

Theme: The theme, is simple and beautiful...Finding faith. I liked the fact, that it wasn't finding the normal/ideal Christian faith. This added to the story, and kind of gave a note that faith is faith.

Conflict: There was a good conflict in the story. I personally, loved the part about catching the mosquitoes. Especially the end, where Sara let them go, and felt like she was loosing part of herself. That part really stuck with me, and took your story to a really interesting beautiful level. I, also, wished I could have seen the contraption that Sara made, as I found it interesting. Probably because I was wondering how anyone could possibly catch 100 mosquitoes. That mosquito part seemed very real to me.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts: This is a beautiful story and I enjoyed it alot.

Could you please critique this review, and go to the challenge forum and leave a message saying that you received a review from me?

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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27
27
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:Good solid poem. Its a very solid about the start of love. The start of things.

General Grammar:All the basic grammatical things checked out fine

Structure:A very nice and neat organized structure.

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:Although, this poem is free verse, I believe that it can hold a flow. You keep your flow in this poem, but their are some parts that I, personally, would change to make the flow smoother:

The Line: "Promises he knew he could and would deliver"

I would change to: "Promises he knew he could deliver"

Then the next line I would change to: "A pleasant man with love for me."

Theme: Sweet theme.



Other Notes & Overall Thoughts:This is a very good and sweet free verse poem. You've done well with it. Good job!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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28
28
Review of The Only One  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:My first impressions of this work, was that it was good for a short story, but needed to be something much longer. This is a good thing, it kept me wanting to read more, and hear more about the story. What is Jayden's past? Will Jayden and Dylan fall in love? Are their more shifters out there, and can they tame them? The story really kept me going, and I even looked on your profile to see if there was a continuation of this NanoWriMo Prep, but I didn't see any. Maybe you can direct me.

General Grammar: I'm not great with grammar. The general things like word spellings, and tense agreements, are in order.

Structure: Nice and Neat organized structure.

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation: This story reads exceptionally well. At the beginning, I thought the writing was overdone and the story read too well, until I learned exactly what Jayden was. Once I learned that Jayden was a shifter, the story was put into perspective. I love the way you introduced the concept," except for one clinching fact - he is an animal and I am a shifter." When I learned that this was not merely a fight between two animals, it really changed things for me.

Theme:Finding out you're not alone. This is a very good theme, and would carry well in a novel.

Conflict and/or Dialogue: Great conflict! Great use of dialogue. As the story continues on it would be nice if you added more of a reason to distrust Jay, it would add a nice growing bit of depth.

Pacing:Good pacing...it kept me reading.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts: I want to read more of this story. So, if you have more or you do have more could you message me where I can find the continuation to this. And, if you don't have more, I'm going to have to be one of those demanding readers that hounds you to WRITE MORE OF THIS!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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29
29
Review of Bluetooth Blues  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impressions:Good solid story. Interesting for young adults, and has characters that are easy to relate to. This story also has an extremely good humorous side. Overall, good job.

General Grammar:I didn't catch any noticeable grammar problems.

Theme:Good theme. not noticing the love right in front of you.

Conflict and/or Dialogue:I, absolutely, loved the conflict. Trying to talk to a crush with an annoying little voice inside of your head. A girl/boy who doesn't like you, and a service that doesn't understand why a girl wouldn't like a Shakespearian sonnet. That made your story funny and easy to relate to. I think the since of conflict in combination with your good use of Dialogue made the story very good.

Pacing: Good pacing.

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts: I did have a few problems, which didn't fit into the other sections of my review. I had some problems with visualizing the characters. I could see Roxanne--the textbook cheerleader easily--, but I couldn't visualize Lydia. I think its because I spent the first part of the story thinking she was insignificant to the story. I think this story would resonate more with me if I could see Lydia. If maybe Lydia had more characterization than just being "mousy"

Overall, This is a good short story, and an AMAZING idea. I was a huge fan of the internet advertisement for the CyRANo...It really looked like an internet advertisement. I was also a huge fan of that whole Shakespearian sonnet bit...Good job!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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30
Review of A Penny Saved ...  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

First Impression:My first impression was a chuckle. OK...It wasn't really a chuckle as much as it was just an obnoxious outright laugh. Before the end, I was wondering where this was going, and where the humor was. And then...bam! hysterical! good job!

General Grammar: No noticeable grammar problems.

Structure: Good structure. Each stanza progressed the plot within poem, and forced me to stop and think about the stanza that I read.

Pacing: Good job! At the second to last stanza,I started getting a little bored, and wondering why you decided to place this poem in a folder which said "humor" when it didn't seem to be humorous. I was about to click away in a few stanzas, but the last stanza had the punch line, and it made me think that the second to last stanza was worth the wait!

Other Notes & Overall Thoughts: Good job! Great punch line! A penny saved is a penny urned! I'm going to e-mail this poem to my best friend.

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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31
31
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

Overall Thoughts: I love Dr. Seuss, and enjoyed this poem. I like your poetry. Many people think that poetry has to be completely serious emotional stuff, and I think your poems remind us that poetry doesn't only have to be descriptions of the night and nature and doom and gloom, but it can have an easy light side and be readable.

General Grammar:I didn't notice any problems.

Structure:Quick,short, and simple lines and good simple stanza spacing. This is simple and easy to read. The meaning was nice and clear. GREAT JOB!

Pacing: Great Pacing and didn't lose my interest. I,suspect, this poem would be rather easy to let wander on too long and lose me. You've done a great job on making it just the right length. Not too long and not too short. Good job!

Other Notes & Questions:I got pulled into reading this poem by the fact that you mentioned Dr. Seuss. If you'd named the piece "My 'TO DO' List," I'm not sure whether or not I would have read the poem. The fact that you mentioned it had "seussical speaknik," really drew me into reading it. I thought 'let me see for myself whether or not this is seuss' You've done a great job capturing the essence of Dr. Seuss, and I could almost envision those Dr. Seuss drawings accompanying your poem. It was simple, easy, and clear. This is something that I love to see in poetry. You've done ANOTHER good job!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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32
32
Review of A Reviewer's Sigh  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

Overall Thoughts:Good poem for someone who happens to be a prose writer. I, actually, prefer to review prose work as well....I felt that I could relate to this from the description, and felt I could relate to it even more once I read the poem. This is a great poem! It has everything that I love in poetry.

General Grammar: There was nothing noticeably wrong

Structure: Good structure.

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:Amazing flow and meter. I like the whimsical light flow of the meter. I, especially, adored the amount of thought that went into each line. Down to the way you wrote "po-ems" instead of "poems." When read aloud the meter is perfect, and it forces to me to stop at the end of each line and think about things.

Theme: This nice simple poem about reading good poetry carries a simple light-hearted theme. I think you've done a great job with this!

Other Notes & Questions: You've done a great job! I absolutely love this poem, and the flow of it has this beautiful simplicity which gets the point across beautifully. Wonderful job! I didn't spot anything I would change so I'm giving you 5 stars!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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33
33
Review of Politics  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work!!! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

Overall Thoughts:Interesting poem. You address a lot of big political issues, with very few words. I'm tempted to respond to your poem more than I am to review it. So, in that sense, getting me to relate and need to have something to say, you've done GREAT!

General Grammar: You've misspelled "bankruptcy" and "continuous" and "noone" should be "no one"

Structure:Good solid structure, but I feel like the last stanza is too long and doesn't give me a breath.


Theme:Peace is needed within the government--Great Theme!


Other Notes & Questions:There so much to politics, and so much that could be said. You did a great job tackling some of the issues. I loved the last stanza, it was an amazing point "America is considered the richest country, but a recession and a continuous debt to pay." Great job!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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34
34
Review of Perfection  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

Overall Thoughts:This is an interesting poem about finishing, and it invokes the feeling that happens when you work on a painting. I like it and it seems very straight forward.

General Grammar: I'm not great with grammar, but you do have tenses which do not agree with the rest of the line: "Lightly, I touched the paper, forming an outline"
The word "touched" indicates past tense, but you continue on in present tense in the rest of the sentence and even poem. Personally, I'd change the word to "touch"


Conflict and/or Dialogue: I wish their was a little bit more conflict in the middle of the poem. Just to keep me interested. The intro to the poem has more conflict than the actual poem. Maybe, it would be interesting if in the middle you created a little bit more struggle to keep everything perfect.

Other Notes & Questions:This is a solid poem, and you've done very well creating an image of painting a picture. Good job. Good poem.

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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35
35
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

Overall Thoughts: This is a solid peace of poetry. It has good structure and flow, and a good theme

General Grammar:I'm not great with grammar, but this poem passed my grammar test.

Structure: Good structure

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:In something as complex as an abusive husband situation the rhyming scheme seems a bit simple and almost forced "times" to "crimes" and "years" to "fears" and "me" to "flee." The rhyming makes me think of a little girl who is in an abusive situation, and not a woman.

Theme: Clear Theme

Conflict and/or Dialogue:I wished that you could have used more images, and really shown me, instead of telling me what the abuser did. I feel very distant from the narrator because I'm not really experiencing what happened.

For example:
"Each day you made me die a little more inside"

"dying on the inside" is a bit cliche. I want to know how you were made to feel like you were dying more on the inside. I want to know what that feels like.

Other Notes & Questions: Thanks for sharing your work with me! This is a good poem, and an important social issue that needs to be addressed.

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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36
36
Review of Shining Star  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

Overall Thoughts:Loved the poem.It was beautiful, and had some extremely emotion grabbing moments that caught me.

General Grammar:On the fourth line, I think you mean the word "breath." I looked it up, and I'm pretty sure you meant breath with the "ehh" sound.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/breath?s...


Structure:The structuring is good, but I think some of your lines need a larger pause to be absorbed. Adding stanzas would be a nice way to break up the flow, and force the reader to stop.

Personally, I think this line is one of your strongest:
"And to think that my mother was smiling down at me,"
I want to stop and linger over the beauty of that line, but the next line doesn't create an adequate break for me to absorb it.

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:Great Flow. The flow is so good, actually, that I think you need stanzas to break up the flow and force the readers to stop and absorb.

Other Notes & Questions: This was really a great poem. It has a lot of beauty and made me feel hopeful. Thanks for the great read!

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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37
37
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for letting me read and review your work! Of course, you are not obligated to apply my suggestions, nor will I be upset if you don't agree.

Overall Thoughts: I like this poem because it is a nice tribute to your friend sue. I enjoyed this because it showed me the importance of an amazing friend.

General Grammar:I'm not really great with grammar, but on the second line in your first stanza you say "you truly where such a find." I think you mean "you truly were such a find"

Structure:This has a good straightforward structure.

Flow, Meter, and/or Sentence variation:This poem has a very good meter. The only thing I find awkward is:

"Your smile is among Life's Precious Jewels,Genuine and Rare,
But "Gods" great gift was you to me.
The one that we call friendship,
Has worth beyond compare."

The line "the one that we call friendship," confuses me. It makes me stop awkwardly to comprehend its meaning.


Theme:Good Theme


Other Notes & Questions:Great Poem. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read it. I really enjoyed hearing about your friend Sue.

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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38
38
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Thoughts:Personally, I love Russian Fairy Tales. Along with anything Russian.I,also, work at a daycare. I'm quite tempted to respond to this piece rather than review.

I think your short story was outstanding, and it put a smile to my face for more reasons than you can possibly imagine.

General Grammar:There weren't many noticeable issues with gramamr

Structure:This has a good structure

Flow,Meter,and/or sentence variation:An excellent use of sentence variation. Beautiful use of words. I,especially, love how you described washing dishes. It was spot on and beautiful.

Existence of Theme:Good theme

Conflict and/or Dialogue:Excellent conflict and excellent use of dialogue. At first, I found it un-realistic the way that Jaya talked, but when you explained that she was rather smart for her age. I, began, to buy that she could speak that well

Pacing:Excellent

Other Notes & Questions:"Exactly my solution. No more Russian Fairy Tales. In fact, no more chocolates too. A pleased Jaya handed Bun-bun over to his Girl." I stumbled over this sentence. I think you mean to say that a pleased Jaya's motehr handed bun-bun over to his girl. I know who baba yaga is, but maybe you should have explained a bit more about baba yaga to include more to your audience.

Either way this is an excellent short story. Thank you so much for the amazing read!


Thanks,

The_Cavity
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39
39
Review of To You  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Thoughts:Well its a straight forward poem. I wonder what you and Nicholas are trying to get over, but I suppose I don't have to know. I like your use of imagery. "beyond the infinite universe that stretches past reality" really sticks with me, and made me experience "infinity".

General Grammar:I'm not great with grammar. I've only got one real correction, and it is that the heart can only "bare" not "bear." One is grizzly and brown and the mascot of my alma-matter.

Structure: Personally, the stanzas read a bit too long. Each statement should begin a new line. If I were writing this, it would change to
"My soul is yours to seize, to steal...
Forever we'll stay like this.
Wrapped in each others love,
growing closer everyday.
I can not bare to live without you."

Flow,Meter,and/or sentence variation:This is a free verse poem, and has a good flow.

Existence of Theme:good.

Conflict and/or Dialogue: Good. Although, I want to know what happened. What are you guys getting over?

Pacing: Good pacing

Other Notes & Questions:This is a good work of poetry. Good job. Keep writing, and keep up the good work!Thanks also for being my test subject for this review template.

Thanks,

The_Cavity
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40
40
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a good poem. I absolutely love the strong images that you use. You really show me what is going on, and that's a good thing. The only real criticism I have is the words you use to make the rhyme.

"mile" "smile" "tile" "file"

"seed" "heed" "bleed"

"land" "hand"

"shook" "took"

These words don't surprise me when I read the poem. They rhyme yes, but I can see it coming. For a poem that is quite complex the words that you rhymed with are quite simple.

Try using more inexact rhymes.
"less" and "test" was a good one.

Anyways...Awesome job!
41
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Review of Cutting Glass  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow....I really liked this poem. You struck an emotional cord, and brought the images flowing in my head. There is that question in abuse. Whose fault is it? I'm glad you've captured that. I like the poem as it is, and have nothing I'd wish to change about it. Good Job!
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42
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hmm...it's supposed to be a mystery, but it doesn't keep my interest. I can tell where you're trying to go with it, but each point of view switch should leave me at my most heightened sense of suspense. I think you can do this...you just have to understand how to heighten the scene.

The start of your story needs to start with a KA-BANG! You could even breeze right over Layla's part in one paragraph. Or maybe Layla and Trina are arguing over one of Trina's visions about a kidnapper being in the neighborhood. Or maybe Trina can't shake the sense that something is wrong; or that the impending pop-quiz--in the event there were--would doom her. Send her to a remedial class or worse...special ed.

Victor can be heightened, by the idea that maybe he has this proposal and there are a trillion reasons why Clarice could say "no". These reasons could be disrupting his thought pattern. So when he finally plops the question. There's even more of the reader wondering why the proposal goes wrong. You have to make a case for the proposal to go wrong before the question can become irksome.

And Frank...Well I don't quite understand how Frank got to be Frank, but I like the tension of Frank, the question: should he have let Layla go? did Layla recognize him? Someone needs to be found...possibly Layla. That works.

Anyways, this is a good premise for a story. DON'T GIVE UP. There is a book, I bought at my local Borders, called Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell, and if you read it...it will help you know how to make your story really really pop and connect. Good job!
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Review of Her  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hmm...I like the imagery used in the poem. I can see her in my mind's eye, and if that was what you were going for...Making me see her. Then, you've succeeded in that regard. But, I kind of wanted more out of the story. I wanted to know more about "her" and her relationship to you. Is she someone you imagined? Is she unrequited love? How does her very existence impact the narrator. In fact, the sentence in the description adds more about her than the actual poem.

"Once she was mine"

What happened.

Either way you've got a way with words. Good job! Keep writing!
44
44
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow...this is definitely a page turner. A scroll worthy piece. It kept me interested. It kept me reading. Good job, I'm sorry, EXCELLENT job. It's hard to captivate me when reading, and this did it. I want to know more.

There are some easily fixable issues I had with the piece.

Your structure of the paragraphs:
When you don't begin a new paragraph with every new thought, It becomes this massive word jumble. It destroys the flow, and doesn't stop me--mentally--in time to think 'o.k...new thought...new direction' and confuses me.

It also would have been nice if you had said the name of the man's friend earlier. It would have made the story more relatable.

Also, is the guy seeking Revenge a native Russian? It adds to the character if you make his sentences possess a bit of russian to them. You know some russian words. Some russian phrases. If you need some help I've got a minor in russian (da.da.da I needed to toot my own horn). You can e-mail me if you'd like.

Anyways... This is an excellent story. I hope you do well in the contest.
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Review of The Timepiece  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good bit of writing. I like the flow of the story. The only problem I had with the story was the beginning. The conversation didn't really keep my attention. Even though someone had been killed it didn't keep me page-turning (or in this case...scrolling). I think it might have been the description which broke up the quotations. It stopped the pacing of the conversation a bit.

In fact the story for me didn't catch me until this line:
"Eli collected himself, wiping a tear from under his eyes. “You headed in for the night already, Mr. Topper?” He said. “Let’s stay, eh? Have a few drinks, talk like old times.”"

Then the questions really started going, and I was engrossed. Personally, I would have started the story on that line I just mentioned.

Anyways...great job!!!! I'm in interested in knowing the rest. Oh and by the way...I'm excited to meet you and read you.
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Review of The Shore  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You know the Bell Jar--I know you do--when Esther throws her clothes into the wind because she feels like nothing matters, but its her descension into madness. I know the end is all sewed up , and its just a love that didn't happen, there's this whole level of hopelessness which you've captured. Good job! AMAZING
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Review of Wake Up Call  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very emotional poem. I think any poem about suicide is bound to be bellowing with emotion. I like the way the words flow, even though the ryhming sceme is a bit simplistic; "hate" with "late" and "lost" with cost". The theme of the poem is strong, and really puts me there. I particulary liked :

"It's too late to change,
There's no turning back.
The future is ominous,
All grim, dark, and black."

The only questions I have left, is what brought your character to this point? Maybe a back story would make it even more relatable. Good Job!
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Review of Introvert  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I feel that the meter on a poem--the rhymes--should be used in a way which is surprising and leaps off of the page. You have that in the later stages of your poem (with the inexact rhymes), but when you rhyme "room" with "gloom" I felt that you could have had a stronger beginning. Also, the stanza "tool" with "fool"

Good job, Keep writing.
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Review of Just a Fairytale  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the poem it has a lot of emotion in it. My only problems with the poem is that I am disappointed with the word usage and meter in the last stanza. "and feel like a man" feels as though it is tacked on to the poem with no true regard to the flow. And then you rhyme "man" with the word "can" which is a simple and unsurprising word usage. All in all, the poem uses simple rhymes "me" with "see." The third stanza is great though--I love the your word usage and inexact rhymes there. I don't see the next line coming (because the rhyme is inexact) and it still flows. Anyways, this poem is very good. Keep Writing!
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