Title: Very catchy and fits the story to a tee. Love it.
Characters: The main characters are well-rounded and dynamic. I felt for Rose throughout, but the supporting cast feel a bit like props.
Spelling/grammar: Needs a lot of work. Misuse of semi-colons and non-use of them. Lots of run-on sentences. Punctuation miscues abound. Run this through a grammar/spell checker and most will be found. I am also against the spelling of flavour/savour and such. This is a personal issue though. I know that I am stuck in the Americanism of such words.
Story structure: All elements are there and in their proper place. A well-constructed story.
Suggestions:
Rose stared out onto the green field. ---I think showing us that she stared out a window would provide us with the proper context. My first thought was that she was standing on the edge of the field being rained on.
the intermittent mist rain of the last few days ---Redundancy.
In the weeping willow tree, pairs of wet sparrows sat preening themselves. The rosebush held the spider's web, where a few drops grew in size and fell to the soil with a miniature splash. ---I think you should replece the articles 'the' with 'a'. By using 'the', you give the impression we should already have intimate knowledge of the subjects, which we don't, since this is the first reference to any of them.
None of these registered into Rose's mind ---Since it is all from her POV, they must have registered.
“What are your plans now Rose,? getting married or finishing school?"
...what her sister said, she turned away ...Two sentences. Period after 'said'.
As if on cue, Mother came into the living room; ---Not 'as if' on cue. It WAS on cue. She was reacting to the girl's yelling. Also, use a period instead of semi-colon here.
Pat put on her best 'poor me, I'm a baby face.' ---Pat put on her best 'poor me, I'm a baby' face.
Susan smiled inwardly, already the battle between her ... ---The whole story is through Rose's POV except this one line. It's intrusive. Perhaps she actually smiles just enough for Rose to notice, instead.
Lunch was served, the rain was still misty, and everyone retired for an afternoon nap. ---This whole sentence seems unnecessary to me.
Mother went to her ROOM, where only the invited was allowed... ---'WERE allowed'. The capitalization of 'room' gives it a significance that never really becomes important to the story.
At lunch Mother had asked Rose...
Mother sat in her recliner, knitting, yarn turning into socks, and the stitches never dropped, never does Mother bother to look where the knitting is going, click - clack, the needles move, a sip of hot chocolate in-between, and the conversation flows. ---Sentence is run-on and very passive throughout.
Rose was looking at the needles...---Rose looked at the needles...
There it was, the perfect day, and with unusual vigor, set about doing her morning chores. ---This sentence is a bit convoluted. Perhaps making it two sentences would help it.
Even a well will be filled with one pebble at a time, and Rose was well filled. ---I don't get this reference and the repetitive usage of 'well-filled' doesn't work for me.
...and as for looks, and the only nice thing she could see is that he was shorter than she. ---Confusing. Replace 'she' with 'her' as well.
Growled he--- he growled.
“You catch rainbows, rainbows are not dreams?” ---“You catch rainbows? Rainbows are not dreams.”
We discussed the usage of the shortened 'lolli'. I think it works within their conversation, but not in narration.
The rainbow rising out, the colours mixed up all round her and fusing into her whole being, in a while, all the colour went into her. ---Not clear what this is conveying.
“Mother, I do not quite understand?” She stopped, she considered how to proceed. ---“Mother, I do not quite understand.” She stopped, considering how to proceed.
There, sprawled all over the settee, was Pat, sucking on the lollipop, she treated the lollipop as if it was something totally special, as if it had hypnotized her, licking, nibbling, she seemed almost in a trance. ---'as if' and 'seemed' take the reader out of the action.
Only the father looked at his wife with a frown, and she shrugged her shoulders, and gave the mystical smile that father could still not understand ---This would have more impace if said smile was introduced earlier in the story. It falls a bit flat as is.
Overall: I think this is a terrific story (fable?). With a few edit cycles, I expect you to be sending this off to some children's magazines and be paid for it. Imaginative and original.
I am rating only a three, but only because of the grammatical errors. Once you fix this up, I expect it to be a 4.
|
|