Fun story in your poem. Your expressions were light-hearted and for the most part it galloped along. A few words were a stretch, but it was cute enough to carry the inconvenience of the rhyming. One word change; "bars" should be bar's. Lucky the old banker had a tortoise within reach! Very clever.
Very short, but I get it. There is a comma missing in the first line, wall, careful...and you repeat the verb, "watch" at the end. Maybe she "felt" indifferent. Her boyfriend, Stan, needs commas. The sentence "But as with...", the thrill was gonee" would sound better to me to say the thrill fades or eventually is gone. Just was gone is too flat without much explanation. Short as it is, the description is good.
Best wishes to Nicole! I caught a couple missing commas; Her debt...about, and the only... and The white picket fence, the rewarding job, ... I think the piece is well written with mention of several things many of us have been through if not all. I would like it better if she looked from her rear view mirror to see that glimmer, not behind, but that may be a matter of how you were trying to speak of that glimmer.Good job.
Well, you have come to the right place. This website is awesome for writing feedback. Whatever reason you have for writing, such as, in this case, grieving and repair, you are welcome and find encouragement here. Write a poem for a contest, do a crossword puzzle with strangers, it's all good. Welcome to WDC and best wishes in your writing.
Is this an alternate history view? I was ready for him to go into the Round Table, and you fooled me with the ending which, I have to say, I don't like. I want him to triumph as he so famously did. That is not your fault and think the writing is excellent. Only one place tripped me up and that was in the sentence, "Tjis time he can't follow, prove himself the abler man." Are you talking about Kay? If it is Arthur, then maybe, he "must" prove..." But then that wouldn't fit with the ending, I guess. Hmmmm?
I like your voice in this piece. He is kind and not really conniving, but considerate and careful. I might suggest a couple changes just off the top of my head and this quick review you are paying too big of bucks for. In the second paragraph, I don't think you need, "what you might expect phrase". As a reader, I had no expectations. I am waiting for you to show me. So, maybe something she says demonstrates her intelligence to us all. My other suggestion is that instead of saying"I'm a virgin", maybe she could say it in a less direct fashion. "It would be my first time" or something. Just me and the things that stuck out. Cute ending. Best wishes with your writing~
This poem seems to have been written in a depressed moment. I do feel like lawn is a good analogy, but after mowing and watering, it is usually stronger, not less of a lawn than before. I wonder if there is any other word you could use than blade each time? Maybe not~ I also have a silly idea that instead of "past" it could be "passed", a minor point indeed, but it has a little diffrent sound that goes with grass and blade a little more. Just my bit, hope you are not discouraged in any way. Write on!
I like the way it reads, but I would love some punctuation. You know your phrasing, but the reader does not which causes us to stumble. Any stumbling takes our attention away from your words and cadence, which is what we are there for. Good job on the imagery and that give all love feeling. Best wishes with your writing~
Very cute. Need to post this again for St. Patrick's Day. I love little ditties like this. They cheer us all up! It iss easy to read and flows nicely with a upbeat. Too bad about missing that gold,m though, ha-ha. Best wishes to you and your writing, Sara
Good job on describing how it is with the children and breaking into a relationship, not disturbing the children with the possible ups and downs in an early connection. Best to wait until it is solid to include the children. I also print frozen drawings for my grand daughter, so I could totally relate. Best wishes in your writing for pleasure.
A profession that is not honored enough. You said it when you remarked that "they burn brightly and will touch many". That is why the job is so important. These are adults we are raising, they are our future. If they are not nurtured and encouraged effectively, how can we expect our future leaders to be. Thank you for a nice poem to start my day.
I caught on (sorry about the pun) some where in the middle of the piece. Very fun. Only a couple of suggestions. The sentence that begins "The creature..."tripped me up. I think it needs a comma after "size' and maybe a "he" after that to read more smoothly. I also think you can either drop or maybe think of a new phrase at the beginning of the paragraphs. The "but then..happened" is repeated three times. Best of luck with your writing. This site is outrageously helpful!
I hope this poem helps to move on. I think it is time for the poet to make the new plans and not wait for the seven coming. I like that line, by the way. "When I correct my failures" is a really important view into the poet's mind and I am so sorry for them. Been there, done that. Try to change to please a lover. Doesn't work,. Should not be expected. There are better matches out there. Best wishes to you and your writing~
This is a powerful piece, perhaps true, that needs some work. I am guilty of too many adverbs, and I have learned to curb my apatite fro them. I think you need to, also. Right off the the bat, roughly, isn't really necessary. The reader is OK with just "a few years ago". There are a few others, "as a child", "sometimes",to her about". If you try without some of these, you can see the story is still there and even stronger. The reader is a smart cookie and you don't have to explain everything. I think you could simplify the sentence that starts "Of course" into That night something snapped and it is again more potent. "Long ago" and "even" are more adverbs that you can leave off. The snetence in which you say it was "boggling and then it wasn't" is unclear for me. You could say "sometimes boggling if that is what you mean. All in all it is a good write, sad, but well said. I hope my hints help and not hurt. That is never my intention. Best wishes~
I hope this is not a true story, but if it is, writing can surely help with your grief. I like the matter of fact way the poet speaks about the accident and her loss. I think maybe if the tense was all in the present it would be even more interesting. Best wishes to you and your writing~ Sara
I really like your idea and story. There are some changes you are going to want to make when you read it back slowly, to catch them. The sentence that starts "Pacing" is not a full sentence, it could be hooked to the previous one. there are a couple tense changes that need to be fixed to make it perfect. I think you can leave out the second pick-up, and I am not sure what is going on with the bills "a, you bastards". Otherwise, good job. Best wishes.
I like the cadence, very like an old Winnie the Pooh poem or something. I like to listen to a poem before I worry about what it is saying. I was not expecting the last three stanzas. I can think of lots of professions that would work well in the last stanza. Well done. Best wishes to you and your writing!
Ah, I love a happy ending. Very cure story, It's a wonder the ex's didn't send out warning letters to the newest girlfriends! I see the story is from '08. I hope in six years I have folders of stories, too. I received a gift ticket to The Cube raffle/auction. Fairly new to WDC, I am trying to be a good community member and review those who do good things for the group. I think we all like getting reviews. Best wishes~
Perhaps you will be a role model for your frineds. They may be spending moneyy to make themselves happy, and you show them that money and things do not make you happy. Being 20 and already knowing this will make you find a good partner in life, also. You have a good head on your shoulders.
Very clever. Did you lay awake at night thinking of more bear jokes? I can't bear to hear more, ha-ha. I think children would love this story, maybe have to switch the "Eye of the Tiger" part to...Have to think on that one. Best wishes to you and your writing!
Nice and creepy. It has a nice cadence which makes it easy to read. I like the line " too frightened to croak" and "the light cowers". Been there. It is hard to speak when you are truly frightened. Maybe in the thrid stanza find a differennt word than using closer twice. Good job.
You are off to a good start. I think you have a good hook in making the reader wonder what she has discovered for herself. There are quite a few punctuation errors you are going to want correct. Quotations are always tricky. I got out a book with conversations to look at, to get it right, that is, where the commas went, etc. Also, I think some of the capitalization is unnecessary. I do like your descriptions and the line"as if looking into a grave." It nice and creepy! Best of luck with your writing!
I am not that great at critiquing poetry. I listen to the words first and then worry about the meaning. I like the sound of "the howl of the hound", but I am not sure who is beckoning with food. I would like the last word in the last line to alliterate with the first to give the whole thing balance H of the h....p of p. Does that make sense? Anyway, just my thoughts. Best wishes to you and your writing!
Well, you are off to a start. I think whenever we first write a new piece, we are all so excited, making run-on sentences and ignoring punctuation.The first paragraph is a classic example of that. The second paragraph is elusive to the reader who has just arrived to your story. Why would he say she was a jigsaw? What does he means about understanding her. It is all a little too vague. Although you want to hook the reader, you don't want them wondering too long if they will ever catch up. Not sure if this is helpful, but it means to be. As I said, you are off to a good strat, now the hard part~ Best of luck to you and your writing!
Cute story. I love this sort of tale. True life is so often funnier than anything we, as writers, can make up. I find I am starting to remember some of these gems from when my children were little and turning them into short stories. I think I might give them each one for next Christmas. Best wishes to you and your writing~
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