Liked it as much as the opener. You ended it at a good spot to raise the bar on anticipation. Our hero is quite the stoic, no? Having a casual conversation after thirty lashes? Me, I'd be face-down in the dirt. lol
Quibble here: "One of the guards asked me if I wanted a piece of leather to chew on but I nodded my head no." I thnk he'd SHAKE his head no.
Good stuff, well-written. Thanks for letting me read your bit of old west history.
OK. This is a good start, IMO. Your description of the frontier posting is detailed without being drilled to death, and the military details are sharp. I like the fact that we are left at the end of the piece with anticipation for our young hero, Steel (I just have to Americanize the lad!)
Love this: "A nervous Private O'Riley ushered us into the Major's presence with a worried look on his face and, as usual, left the door slightly cracked when he returned to the orderly room." In the orderly room, the walls always have ears and the coffee is always burned unless the Seargeant Major is a coffee-drinker.
Don't know if it was so in the old days, but the Adjutant's sig would be a "For The Commander." as I recall. Just quibbling! lol
You have obviously been at the writing-gig for a while, and it's nice not to have to wade through a minefield of grammar and usage problems.
Looking forward to the other installments. Thanks for letting me read your story-start.
I liked your story and its sense of dread. I could feel the problems that Edgar was facing, and since your story is short, I didn't miss out too much in not "knowing" Edgar (except that he likes well-dressed men).
I had a problem with discerning the difference in the choices. Did you want us to think (and Edgar to think) that the "eternity" choice was all good, and the "death" choice just a quick exit?
To get into your story, I may have begun with some dialogue, some action, rather than Edgar thinking about his location, predicament, and Simon.
Here: "He figured that whoever had brought him here had drugged him into a coma." I think I would have Edgar perhaps do something to show us the possibilities of how he got trapped. Like, "Edgar thought, Where the hell is Simon? I knew we shouldn't have been drinking in that bucket-of-blood on 30th. They shovel bodies out of there."
Here: "Edgar began to worry about his lover, Simon. He began to recall the first time that they had met." And the rest of the para about Simon. I would guess that Edgar's reverie about Simon, and this: "After that, Simon had moved into his lavish apartment in the upper west side of Manhattan and they have been hopelessly in love ever since." This doesn't move the story forward (Edgar's in a pickle!), but that may just be me.
Your Latin for Dante's old admonition: Perhaps translate, just to keep everybody in the loop?
Overall, I thought that you held up your end of the bargain. We know that the man is Beelzebub or a minion, that Edgar is in trouble, and that there are consequences. I like it.
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