I can feel the sorrow, the loss in this poem, but I can also sense the peace and hope. Watching a loved one slowly die is difficult, tearing a hole in the heart of the one waiting.
I like the way you end the poem on a note of hope, the hope we have that life doesn't end when a person moves from this relm.
*reding* You took the prompt and turned into an interesting and ironically funny story. I enjoyed the twist at the end very much, but I like stories with twists.
Periods and commas should go inside the end quotation marks, not inside. At the first of the story, you put them outside, and then you change them inside as required.
A rather unusual poem from you, Harry, but it's entertaining. You really get into alliteration with Big Bad Black Bart and a unique rhyming of every line except one (and it was a sort of rhyme).
You manage to tell a complete story in your verses as usual. Very good.
The last line of the first stanza doesn't really rhyme with the other lines since it's plural. If you could use part rather than parts, you would have the rhyme.
This poem has such a powerful message that my heart is touched. You use poetic language and rhyme to write a soul searching prayer.
A few places the sentence structure needs work because you have fragments that don't add to the poem but distract. For example, in the following lines, you really have just one sentence: Please take my hand.
Bring me to You.
So I'll be surrounded
By all that is true.
You need to eleminate the period after You.
Paid is the correct spelling rather than payed.
Thank you for sharing this moving prayer in poetry form with us.
Yes! Your article is soooo right on. (Excuse the slang, but the idea of someone addressing this problem excites me.) You expressed the problem clearly and kindly. I hope that people who write disparaging descriptions of their own work will read this article and take careful note.
You use correct grammar and punctuation as far as I could tell as I enjoyed your writing. Your tone is more conversational than formal, but that fits the need of your audience.
Okay, you present your position very clearly and honestly. Anyone who doesn't understand is in deep mental difficulties. (And I can't spell tonight, please forgive me.)
The only suggestion I have is to avoid so many commas before conjunctions that don't join independent clauses.
Oh, you may review any of my items that you want to read.
The imagery of this poem takes the reader right down to the sea shore. Lovely, lovely work.
The only suggestions I would make concern punctuation. There are some places that need commas, and at least one stanza needs a verb to avoid having it be a long sentence fragment.
Commas could be added at the ends of lines 1 and 11.
In the last stanza, a quick revision idea will help. Please know that this is just one possible way (please note the punctuation, too):
How peaceful this scene,
The hazy air soon turns crystal clear,
An artist’s conception of a wonderful dream,
A priceless treasure to behold
When painting at the sandy shore.
Okay, Harry, I'll admit I read all the parts of this continuing saga before I started reviewing this section. I had to know how it all tied together and ended. You keep the story going and the suspense building with this chapter.
Okay, except for the continuing use of first person, which you kept consistent, I have no ideas for improvement.
You have many valid truths in this p;oem. I like the repetition of "What did you do to me?" but you might want to use it a bit less often.
I owuld like to see some poetic language and/or maybe some peotic devices used. For instance, My fears have disappeared like fog beneath sunshine.
After each "What did you do to Me" there should be a question mark.
Writing the title in all capitals makes it seem that you're yelling at the reader. You might want just to capitalize the first letter of the main words of the title (don't capitalize the, an, and, if, etc, unless the first word in the title).
This is just a suggestion: You might want to ask the question and then give a couple of the answers before asking it again.
Ah, the continuing story in poetry I see.
What new adventures can there be?
A damsel in distress, no less,
joins the brave one in his quest.
I enjoy your stories in poetry form.
One thing bothers me, though, the switching of verb tense. You start in past tense, then switch to present. I don't care for the present tense much anyway, but the switching really isn't something I like.
So the story will continue more, I assume? Good, then I'm off to read the next chapter.
As usual, Harry, you manage to write a whole story in verse, and use rhyme while doing it. Amazing, absolutely amazing.
Hmmm . . . I can't seem to find anything to suggest or find any errors or . . . Come on there has to be something that needs revising or changing or something.
This poem has the concepts needed for a very, very good one. The beach, the ocean, a loved one all combine to make an excellent love poem.
Your title (which by the way doesn't really need to be all caps, does it? I feel as if I'm being yelled at ) states the poem is about suset, and the last stanza talks about sunset, yet the first verse says you're waiting for the sun to rise. I'm confused.
In the second stanza, I'm left thinking you look to see the sunset's face and remember why you fell in love with the sunset. I know that's not right, but the only noun before the pronoun her is sunset. You might want to change the wording a bit, maybe to something like
*green* I see the sunset come
and look at my love's beautiful face.
Now I remember
why I fell in love with her.
I also corrected some punctuation in that.
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Your poem is filled with vivid imagery. I feel as if I'm standing by the lake watching day turn to night.
The one suggestion I have, which would make your poetry stronger, is try to find synonyms for the words you repeatedly use, such as day and gold. For example, in the second stanza, mourn could be used for one of the day uses, maybe dawn for another. Just a suggestion.
You have created an ascotic that indeed describes Africa. Each of the lines gives a dark part of the dark continent. True, stark, and vivid imagery grabs the reader's mind.
The only suggestion I would make is that each line not be a separate thought completely, resulting in a chappy delivery.
Hmmm . . . interesting concept, a student feeling that she has been mistreated by a teacher. You present the student's point of view rather well, up to a point.
I'm not sure that the buildup to the climax was strong enough to lead to what happened. I'm left wondering if she were that unbalanced or what. The story could use some "motivation." Sorry, I couldn't resist. Heaven help all teachers if that's all it takes to see "red."
The pain and bewilderment felt by the narrator shows vividly in the wording of this poem. The clues to finding his way out of the darkness are found in the lines of the poem, too.
One of the problems I see with this poem, which has the components necessary to excellent, is the use of run-on sentences and the lack of some necessary end punctuation. The thoughts are running together, too, causing the reader to have to back track and re-read. A few punctuation revisions would take care of the problem.
When one writes poetry with a rhyme scheme, it helps to be sure the words, which should rhyme, really do rhyme. One example, "friendly" and "me" don't hit my ear as a true rhyme. Neither do "spiral" and "denial." There are a couple of others that, when read aloud, don't create true rhymes.
The lines seem way too long in places. This use of extra long lines disrupts the flow of the poem.
You have the concept and ingredients for a great poem. I'd like to see what it would be after some polishing.
Wow! and double Wow! Thank you for the information and the "heads up" on losing our first publication rights. We, as authors, must be very careful. Whether the woman in question is sincere or not isn't the question, but whether what she is doing is ethical or not.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
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I can feel the sorrow, the loss in this poem, but I can also sense the peace and hope. Watching a loved one slowly die is difficult, tearing a hole in the heart of the one waiting.
Periods and commas should go inside the end quotation marks, not inside. At the first of the story, you put them outside, and then you change them inside as required.
A rather unusual poem from you, Harry, but it's entertaining. You really get into alliteration with Big Bad Black Bart and a unique rhyming of every line except one (and it was a sort of rhyme).
You manage to tell a complete story in your verses as usual. Very good.
Thank you for sharing this moving prayer in poetry form with us.
You have matched a priceless photo with a poem that really matches the imagery of words with the visual imagery of the picture.
I can't find anything to change or to suggest revisions. Both the writing and the photo go together wonderfully well.
Thank you for sharing.
The repetition of the phrase "angels' wings" ties this whole poem together. I like the way you use it to show the different stages of life.
Heaven help all teachers if that's all it takes to see "red."