Hi. I found this chapter to be very interesting. It gave a sense of depth to the killer told through someone else's eyes. The clipped speech of the doctor gives a sense of realism and strength to the story.
However, there were parts where it felt like the good dr stepped outside of his character.
Interesting storyline and has a strong ring of truth to it as well. Relatable and bold I believe. Not many people would take this track of writing but it does exist and happen. People have a hard time coming to grips with themselves and the confusion it brings to everyone involved.
The writing itself needs some polishing but that will come in time and with practice.
Interesting. The tying and twisting of 2 characters through the same process and trial is very well done. Two people with the same desire from each other refuse to understand that they both have the same desire.
On another note...I get why you used the musical symbolism for Jack...but it got to be too much IMO.
Truly needs a lot of work. Pace is good and grammatically it is a sound piece of work. However, the tone is very monotone. Very dry and overall just blah. The senses are not used or touched in any way. Most of it is told not shown. However, it doesn't lack fluidity, which I am surprised. It has a strong sense of flow...the story is moved along.
Read a paragraph from one of your favorite stories and then read one of your paragraphs. That will give you a better sense of what is missing from your story, then anything I could give you.
Good afternoon. I loved this story. Lots and lots of great elements. Pace is great. Tone is wonderful. Descriptions put you in the story and keep you riveted. Plot line and subplots and character interactions are very well done. Dialog is believable and not cheesy at all. Each character feels well drawn and fleshed out (pun intended). ;o)
Couple of issues...the dialogue should be seperate paragraphs. I like the dialogue actions associated with the characters however, there were many sections that it was difficult to distinguish with who was speaking and carrying out the action associated with the dialogue considering how it was written with 1 paragraph for the whole conversation.
Another issue - 99% of the adverbs detracted from the story and feel of the scene. Maybe it is more of a pet peeve but they should be used sparingly. There are many more active words to use than adverbs.
Minor ticks - Like in paragraph 5 - '...leaned closer towards the flame to light the tip of his cigarette.' The fact that he is lighting the tip is obvious; that doesn't need to be shown or told. Paragraph 8 - ;...drawbacks of being a vampire weighted down...' I think weighted should be weighed down, or some other phrase. The hard t in weighted caused me to stumble lyrically.
Other than small things like that and some final polishing (is a story ever really finalized?) it is a great read and I'm looking forward to more.
I'll start with some kudos - Good base for a longer story. I just read your notes 'To The Reader' and think this has to be a longer version. It could be a novel...but I see more of a long-short story. Right now it is a short-short story. And actually it seems more of a synopsis than an actual story. I can see hearing this around a campfire as an actual story, but reading it left a lot to be desired.
Now on to the painful part and I don't mean any of this personally and I have yet to read any of your other works. Ok, here goes...
It is pure telling. We are shown nothing. I can find nothing that appeals to the senses anywhere. A strong rule-of-thumb for descriptions is use the 5 senses to create a real sense of being there. (Taste, touch, visual, aural, and smell). Setting is very much needed here. The character is flat and one dimensional. He has no depth. No sense of who he really is. All we know about him is what we are told. And weIThe Reader really could not give a s&&t about him.
There is no emotion in this story. The only emotion told to us is when he yells at her to get out of his room. Those are perfect spots to increase the emotion and set the pace and tone of the story. If you want the readers to feel what the characters are feeling than the characters have to feel it first. There is no flavor in the story.
A scary story, as with any other story needs to be like a roller coaster. Up and down, around and around, little bits of intensity added with each up and a little relaxation with each down. Take them around and around each time going up a little more and down a little less. Each bite of intensity on the upswing needs to be a little bit more harsh or powerful until you hit the final climax of the story. This has none of that. This is an outline of what could be a very fun read.
The end was predictable less than half way through. It is a cute twist, but that twist doesn't really make it a horror story. With appropriate flavor and emotion the predictability of it could be lessened.
This may be the harshest comment of them all but here it goes. This reads like the work of a 6th grader. The writing feels very immature and I suppose it is because of everything the story is lacking. It is very static and lacks fluidity.
I hope you do lengthen the story and add all the flavor to make it a truly great story.
Overall, I like the concept. It speaks to me as it feels similar in the way I write. The whole - trying to express abstract concepts. The pacing was good and I wanted to finish the piece, so it kept my attention.
However, it needs a lot of polish. As in the 1st paragraph. '...even if it's an empty...' It is a choppy phrase, a little too wordy and lacks fluidity (mainly with causes and ruckus). I have to say that my main issue with the whole piece is its lack of fluidity.
I hear a lot of redundancy; ie - 'iced beer' and 'slams fridge door shut' and 'walks to them filled...towards them' and 'lightly caresses his cheek'.
Plus some confusion - What is empty? Is there an empty beer bottle in the fridge or is it empty of beer or is the fridge completely bare?
Her voice is strong and I can see her character. Her characterization is strong with the phrasing you used.
I would leave the last line at '...weeping for her.' It stretched out too much.
Very powerful and with a lot of polish I believe it could be an excellent piece. This could be a strong scene in a larger story.
Hi. I enjoyed your writing. It felt solid and has massive potential. Strong pacing and fluidity and structure. Grammer and style are excellent as well.
However, as to the story itself... it felt more like an essay or a diary entry. The descriptions were very well done, ergo one reason why I enjoyed reading it.
It didn't feel like a story to me until near the end and even then I felt kind of let down. I'm sorry I can't be more useful with my critique.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wwharton/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 10:21am on May 04, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
