Hello there Plume
This is a review of your piece "A Parcel for Jeremiah Crump" . It was a great pleasure to stop by your esteemed work!
At a First Glance
Gosh, I really liked this a lot. I got the impression that you're quite a fluent and experienced writer. I love how what's described here is nothing larger than a scene, or maybe even a moment, and yet there's something about the style of your writing that just eased me in very beautifully. I urge you to post more of your work!
Content and Pacing
One of the hardest things to achieve with flash fiction, I think, is a well balanced story. If written less carefully, they can sometimes come across as skewed, whether that's with excessive exposition, or an unsatisfactory resolution. Pleasingly with your piece, I felt as though you met the balance just right.
The plot itself is nicely conceived. The build up of tension in the moments before the door being answered is for the most part skilfully handled. I enjoyed how the time, place and circumstance portrayed a scene that was aptly mundane and routine. It sets up expectations for the reader, and instantly entices them to read on.
I also thought that the idea of a leap year birthday was inspired, and nicely hinted at throughout! Honestly, I'd never even thought to ponder over how people born on the 29th Feb technically could only celebrate one out of every four years. So cool!
Characters
Admittedly, there isn't much physical description of these characters. Personally, I'm not a great fan of overly descriptive character passages. I believe that dialogue exchanges and interaction with their surroundings can generally speak a great deal more about various personalities in a story. Having said that, my one niggle is that by the end I struggled to gauge Barry's age - I couldn't decide whether he was middle-age, or hitting 60. Somehow, I felt it was important when it came to understanding his perspective, to understand what the range of his life experience might be. I do understand, however, that it is very difficult to deal with these technicalities when writing from first person, as these details do not naturally fuse into the narrative.
I also thought that the brief bout of stuttering as Barry presents the parcel to Mr Crump, was perhaps slightly overwrought for someone who I imagined to be a maturer man. This is probably more a matter of opinion, however, so I'll just express that I was suddenly leant upon by this image of a bumbling teenager with acne as I read that one line of dialogue. Perhaps simply: "A... a parcel for you, Mr. Crump,” I say holding out the package. “You will have to sign for it.” would do just fine.
Just a few notes on what I believed you did really well here. Firstly, the name, Barry Bullitt, says so much about his character very quickly. The fact that you use alliteration in his name instantly sets your story up as a type of comedy, and witty it certainly is! It sounds very much like it belongs to a small-town labourer who's probably never strayed much further than the comfort of his own homestead. That the folks in town have a shorter moniker for him also suggests he's an amiable guy with a long history in this particular area. Nicely conceived!
The tone of the narrative itself, which I will touch upon in further detail below, is incredibly suited to my visual image of Barry Bullitt. There is a calm in the way that he expresses himself. His articulation is precise, and un-rambling for the most part. This instantly exudes a sense of experience, of confidence, and also, just a small hint of worldly weariness, though perhaps I'm reading into it a little too much.
As for Jeremiah Crump, again, nice play on names. Jeremiah sounds almost biblical, suggesting someone with old-fashioned values, and having been raised in a Christian household. He also says later on, "Glory be, she remembered my birthday", further developing upon that initial impression. Then there's his surname which sounds sneakily like 'Grump'! In fact, I'm having a hard time remembering that it's the former while typing this!
There is a great moral to this story too. The idea of 'What's in a name?', and the misleading overwhelm of preconceptions, are issues dealt with very sweetly and very creatively here.
I really haven't any bones to pick regarding Mr Crump's character. I thought that he was perhaps more visually demonstrative than Barry, however, I think that a tidying up of paragraph three (which I will come to later) and of that one dialogue piece will resolve any issues I might have on characterization!
Language and Tone
Beautiful, crisp and confident sentence structures. This is altogether, perfectly exemplified in the second paragraph. This was written with a steady and controlled hand, thus it commanded great fluency. Sometimes, it's the 'sound' of a piece of writing, rather than an interesting content, which actually draws the reader along, and I think that is very much what you manage to achieve here.
The third paragraph is certainly your weakest, however. I think it could do with some revision and minor tweaks. There is a general sense of rambling and convolution, which I feel becomes increasingly aggravated as this section progresses. My first note, would be to try and return to the tone initially constructed in the second paragraph. We're not that far into the story, and already we have something akin to a great big rant! It is clear that hostile messages clearly rile up something fierce in Barry's mind , however, I feel this counteracts the calmer nuances of his demeanour that were initially laid down.
Just briefly, a very nice turn of phrase here!: "The emphatic ‘Go Away’ in bold letters brooks no argument."
My second note, is that although the actual content of the paragraph is an astute plethora of critical analysis, and also represents Barry's tendency to over-think things (man, I've been there!), as the writer I feel you must find a simpler and sweeter way to present these ideas. The fact alone that you use so many semicolons in the passage, suggests to me that the condition of your sentences is somewhat neurotic.
There is some clever wit and and a mischievous sparkle to this piece! I think this is what I liked most about it. I love quaint little tales like this!
Devices and Technicalities
I stand before a run-down cottage hunkered back from the street behind a picket fence framing a front lawn overgrown with weeds and untrimmed bushes.
(This is a run-on sentence. Possibly consider: "I stand before a run-down cottage, hunkered back from the street." [Lovely description by the way!] "It lies behind a picket fence, framing a front lawn overgrown with weeds and untrimmed bushes.")
"...Wolfhound that is easily aroused."
(Perhaps, 'aggravated', instead? Forgive me, 'aroused', just screams all manner of double entendres at me! )
"And I imagine some stern, stiff-necked, official..."
(No need for a comma after 'stiff-necked'.)
"The old man is something of a recluse and seems to have a bone to pick with the world; he also has a large Wolfhound that is easily aroused."
(No need for a semicolon here when I think a full stop can do just as well, if not better. )
"Jeremiah Crump smiles and says softly..."
(I think you can make a slightly bigger show of what a surprise turn his smile is in this passage. It's a very special moment, and whilst I agree that an understated description will work best here, I feel there needs to be just a little more of a twinkle in the eye perhaps. )
Stars
I hope this review has been helpful to you. Please don't hesitate to take me up on anything I have mentioned; I send this to you in good will.
Write on!
Many thanks,
Wyrd_Naos
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