Excellent metephorical lines throughout.
Also it was very educating as I know nothing of archery, I feel as if I've just taking a biginner's course in archery 101.
Great job being inclusive,
I felt as if I was on the side of the range watching you as you hit your mark.
Good discriptive imagery.
Almost a text book definition of what love should be.
However there is a missed opportunity here:
I'd list happy first, and then Safe, Satisfied, Secure <--Whereby you could have entailed some Aliteration in this work. Or maybe it was your intent not to?
Either way it's a short and sweet read. I loved it.
I love the imagery when you discribe the gothic/mid-evil tower and the dragon's tail that is winding around it.
Or is it the ribbed brick-work? I almost expected to see a damsel in distress pearing down through a window ledge atthe top! In factthats all that is missing from this poem, Her and of course the shining knight in armor!
All in all, great play on words, great discriptive notions put forth.
For someone who claims to have writter's block. It is well written.
Your messege is a very poignant one.
Technical/Mechanical
This work is written in free verse, open form so it is not bound by certain literary or gramitcal laws.
theme:
This work is some what short and to the point. your intended messege carries well into the mind of the reader. nothing more could be said really.
Great form!
The technical aspect of this piece is executed very effectively. The visual dynamic is both proper and well thought out.
The syllabic structure carries through well.
I especially like the contrast between Writer and author, As if some undeniable right of passege is taking place, the transformation or birth (If you will) of a newly discovered creature. The writer becomes.
maybe we could break this down a little more to a regional local I.E.
The Gold Coast (Australia)
The Ivory Coast (Africa)
The Deep south (America)
New england (America)
The French Riviera (Europe)
As there are 38 distinct culinary regions world-wide, there are like-wise many different culturally distinct Literary regions as well. As writers, I think it would give us a more accurate understanding of eachothers work.
I liked it, It's a bit long and repeatitive though, remember the beauty in a poem is it's simplicity. Saying with so little words, volumes of emotions and purposes.
I would refine it, alittle fine tuning can go a long way!
And as a fellow christian, I love the overall messege.
And please, do not let my words or any one elses, disuede you from your craft. If you are happy with the work, Then it must be finished.
Far be it from me to critique such a moving work.
However, I love you as my fellow poet, therefor I feel it's my duty to do so.
The poem has excellent rhythm, rhyming is very elloquent, yet in the last two stanzas it seems to studder and loose it's over-all flow.
I.E. "You are always safe now
the darkness began to fade"
Maybe you could loose a syllable in each line here.
I would loose the word "Always" And simply say "you are safe now" and maybe the darkness just fades, I would change the word "Began" to "did" or "does" thereby eliminating the need for the word "to"
And: "but all I really wanted" here you could loose the word "but" alltogether, maybe it should read, "All (or alls) I ever wanted"
Just food for thought.
The late great William Blake once said, "poetry in it's simplest form is like music, adding an extra beat can disrupt the flow", He also said "Poetry need not mean anything, it simply must be to the reader, what it is to the reader"
Hope I wasn't too rough on you.
All in All it is a great poem, very moving and thought provoking.
Truly a deep and detailed, discription of an inner love. The imagery is wonderful, excellent form by the way!
Rhyme and meter flow consistently, all in all a great work. Allthough, I may be a bit confused here, is this an epiphany of love for one's self I.E. (if you can't love yourself,how can you love any one else)? or the realization of a once ignored love for someone else, now comming to light?
Either way. It was very thought provoking.
Remember, often the pictures we paint are in the mind of the reader.
I love the line "Not rough, nor harsh, nor discrete"
Love is nothing to be ashamed of, It should be broadcasted for all to see.
For the most part It's a lovely poem, but I cannot help but feel that you have something more to say on the subject. Perhaps there is an unfinished thought that we as your readers are left to ponder?
Look 4-ward to reading more.
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