A fake advertisement for a company specializing in disciplining misbehaving children.
|Remember when you were a child, and you were afraid of the monster under your bed, or in your closet? Maybe it was neither, but instead your parents told you if you didn’t go to sleep or misbehaved that some kind of horrifying creature would come for you. These monsters are commonly referred to as Boogeymen, and for thousands of years, parents have been using them to frighten kids into good behavior. Every culture throughout history has had their own variation of the Boogeyman, and this got me thinking, what if not only did these creatures exist, but there was a sort of company where it’s their job to scare children? How else do you explain the different boogeymen from all over the world? Anyway, here’s another story where the scenario I just mentioned is not only real, but a lucrative business. |
Does your child repeatedly disobey you on a daily basis? Do they throw a tantrum whenever they don’t get their way? Or are they just plain disrespectful to their parents? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then perhaps this may interest you: There is a way to end it.
We at Scared Straight Incorporated specialize in helping parents cure their children of what we refer to as “problematic behavior”. Let’s be honest, the sooner children learn to talk, the sooner they start to talk back to their parents, and that’s not even the worst of it. Before you know it, they’ll be screaming at the top of their lungs because you won’t buy them a candy bar or spending the whole night keeping you awake because you grounded them for whatever reason.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. We can stop the tantrums, the hissy fits, the bad behavior. How, you ask? Very simple. We believe in the time-honored method of “Scare them straight”. This is where our company gets its name, we will appear to your child in the dark of night typically from under their bed or in their closet, in any form you specify, the scarier the better, and terrify the bejesus out of the little monster, by showing them what a real monster looks like.
Simply warn your child that, for example, if they don’t behave and listen to what you say, Carl the Crazy Clown will get them. Depending on their age, you may not even need our services, and this will be enough to get them to stop. But most likely they will laugh off your threat, until that night when one of our representatives bursts out of their closet in the form of a clown waving a chainsaw through the air.
You may be thinking this sounds rather harsh, but remember, it’s for their own good, as well as your peace and quiet. Now, we’re not in the business of traumatizing children, that’s their school’s job. We never scare them too much, just enough to get set them on the right path of obedience and good behavior.
If this all sounds bizarre or you think this is all a joke, we assure you, it is not. For countless generations, civilizations all around the world have terrified their children into behaving by frightening them with tales of monsters that will come for them in the night. As the centuries passed, parents had to get more creative with their threats, for example, in Ancient Rome, during Hannibal’s crusade against the Roman Republic, mothers would tell their children that Hannibal himself would come and take them away if they misbehaved.
Nowadays, we boogeymen are typically thought to be nothing more than a fairy tale, but rest assured we are out there, unseen unless we wish to be seen. Little known fact, we don’t have a single standard form, we are shapeshifters that take whatever appearance we please. We’re not all male either, there are also females among us, the term “Boogeyman” is just generally more accepted.
If you’re still not convinced, just check out some of the reviews from our clients…
My four-year-old was constantly causing chaos throughout our house. Breaking things, drawing on the walls, flooding the bathroom, you name it. A friend told me about Scared Straight Inc. and at first, I thought it was a joke. But me and my husband were desperate, we tried time outs, taking away toys, spanking and various other punishments, but nothing worked. Then we told our kid if they misbehaved one more time, The Scare Bear, a great black bear with glowing red eyes and a taste for naughty children would get him. He of course didn’t believe us, until around eleven that night, when we heard him scream for us to save him. Now, he doesn’t dare disobey us or pull any of his old tricks. Thank you, Scared Straight Inc! - Mary S.
Me and my wife love our twin daughters more than anything, but at times they can be absolutely unbearable. The screaming, the crying when they don’t get whatever they want, but worst of all is their constant bickering. They’ll argue over anything, from who is prettier, to which one of them we love more. We finally had enough and called Scared Straight Inc and warned them that if they kept behaving this way, The Splitter Sisters would get them, and take them both far away from each other and us, to a dark and terrible forest to wander the woods for the rest of their lives. That night, we heard them both cry “Mommy! Daddy!” and when we came running to their room, the both of them ran over to us, hugging us as if their lives depended on it and saying how sorry they were for their bad behavior. To this day, they are the best of friends, and we owe it to Scared Straight Inc. - Marcus H.
I am a single mother with a six-year-old son. He means the world to me, but he has got to be the hungriest child on the planet. When he was a baby, it took at least half a dozen jars of baby food each meal before he was satisfied, and he would constantly stuff his face with whatever he could get that’s edible! I worry deeply about his future health and tried many times to get him to not eat so much, but he would keep sneaking food behind my back. Finally, I reached the end of my rope and called Scared Straight Inc. I told him if he kept eating like a pig, that a witch would fly in through his window at night and turn him into one. He didn’t believe me, but later that night, he screamed for me to come quickly to his room. Let’s just say that after that incident, he’s eating more fruits and playing outside much more often, and I can’t thank Scared Straight Inc. enough for it. - Susan B.
So, if you’ve got a problem child, in the range of two to nine years of age, call 1-800-SCARED to set up an appointment. We’ll fix those little terrors good, guaranteed!
(Offer only applies to parents of children who are ten or younger. If you have kids who are in their pre-teens or older, they’re beyond our help, we’re sorry to say.)