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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1946560-Inner-Workings-of-the-Machine
Rated: 18+ · Book · Other · #1946560
When one blog is filled, another one must open.
Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy.

Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them)

         [& denotes married couples]
Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert

My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS
Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly)
Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of)
People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph
Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts.

DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved)
Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA.
Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid!
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
January 22, 2024 at 11:25am
January 22, 2024 at 11:25am
#1062797
He canceled the damn vacations without talking to me. Made the decision even though I had been hemming and hawing in my head whether to go, and then he said well, you probably couldnt get off work anyway. When I said sometimes you can do that, he brushed it off as the same thing as my concert ticket impulse purchase.

Whatever dude. Blindsided me.

Also didn't realize he put the money away from his father's death into an untouched account so it's his. But also it's really for the kids, so as long as it stays for the kids - I should just shut up. Legally I can't do anything. And a lot of the inheritance money we've received over many years has gone to the house debt or whatever. Again, didn't see it coming.

However I have a ballpark of our damn combined assets now, and i will need an offset for the house so i'll get more in other things. Starting to split balance sheets and all that jazz. Also looking into buying the things that each of us will need when we split - because apparently neither of us can live without a damn pizza paddle *Laugh*

I'm glad it's so far amiable, but ... it's just so damn hard. I cry a lot. I know it's the right thing. I told him I didn't feel like I had another choice because I don't know how to communicate in a healthy relationship (btw he doesn't either). I'm 100% correct on both those assessments.

This year I'm going to get a cat and have a great relationship with the cat and my kids. Also, whenever I think I'm the problem, I repeat: Maybe it's not me. I'm NOT the problem. It's NOT ME.

It's also like the first time that I am going into all of this without upping my meds. It's normal to be sad, overwhelmed, and at loose ends.
January 20, 2024 at 8:52pm
January 20, 2024 at 8:52pm
#1062723
Papers to initiate divorce filed Friday (yesterday). 120 days minimum before this is real.

Dilbert thought I should look at condos, that we could perhaps buy one with cash outright and it would be just mine. However, I looked at 4 today, and none of them are in the school district, and my new job will not have the flexibility for me to drive them (especially when I am likely starting P/T at 4-8am M-S).

It's too bad because I really liked one of them. It was just outside the budget range, and it could have felt like home.

I just gotta sign the stuff from the apartment and I'll have keys Monday.

I'm struggling with Dilbert being more able to talk about just day-to-day stuff, maybe, than before. But we're still making our own decisions with our own thoughts and not collaborating at all. I know it's the right thing, the healthy thing, for me to leave. I know I'm going to get 50%. He's talking about sharing the vacation property, and I don't know how to feel about that yet. It's not a terrible idea. But on the other hand, everything might be the worst idea ever, too.

He says he can take the house and offer me other assets (retirement accounts) to make up the difference.

I'm going to write like hell whenever the kids aren't with me, and also be open to the universal cat distribution system. Plus therapy. Loads of therapy.

I feel stuck in saying I'm sorry for no reason except existing and making this choice. I feel weird that he wants to show up for the kids 50/50 now, and that he told me I should go back to engineering. I'm not selling my soul this time. I will write and publish the books. I will promote the hell out of them. I will rearrange my other jobs to make this work out.

I don't think he's going to think it's nice the first time I tell him that it's his turn to take the kids to a doctor or dentist, and I'm going to regret many things when I have to verbally vomit out all of the history that he's never, ever dealt with for himself much less someone outside himself. At least he did give medications to children today. Mostly.
January 18, 2024 at 8:53am
January 18, 2024 at 8:53am
#1062598
I told him. This is a mess. There's no good way to do it. There's only pain and suffering. But I did the thing, and my kid (who had been suffering) can relax. More about that later, maybe.
January 16, 2024 at 3:39pm
January 16, 2024 at 3:39pm
#1062492
1. Took an apartment tour. 3 bedroom available. Lots of great stuff, just not much space compared to a house. It's really nicely done for an apartment. The manager seemed great. It's in a great location. It's pretty much everything I need in an apartment.

2. Talked to the lawyer. Feeling much better about my circumstances. There isn't physical abuse, but it is emotional abuse. I am worried that I will get badgered every day until I change my mind. I do not want this to happen. I know I need this, and I would like to have a good coparenting relationship. But I also do not want to have to fit his every whim and need and stupid rule. NO.

The rundown: I won't be destitute. I will have a job. I will figure out a place to live if it isn't this house. No, I can't count on keeping the house but I might try.

3. Told my yoga class about possible changes due to the job. It will be okay.

4. I'm going to tell Dilbert about my job. Tonight, maybe. I just need to stand firm. Stay the course. Better things will be out there for me when I am done with this, even if it takes a year - because, well, I won't be stuck here.

5. I should also make a counseling appointment for Dilbert and me, to start that process of getting to whatever's next, or at least highlight the shit that we're not going to fix on our own at home.

P.S. Dilbert told me to take interstates to my job (which I did, duh, in this weather? I ain't taking back roads). I was also already at my job. Then he told me to put water in before reheating the noodles, and I'm like, I know. Then he's not happy with me because he was "just trying to be helpful."
January 15, 2024 at 11:04am
January 15, 2024 at 11:04am
#1062434
This weekend's awkward conversations included Dilbert feeling "rejected" when I told him I don't feel like doing some things with him. He has made comments that live in my head. He thinks six months ago is a long time for me to bring something up that he didn't remember because he just 'forgives me' except for that time when I didn't run to him when he fell down the stairs (Tempest and I were watching a show and I didn't actually hear him. Neither did she. Only Dogbert did and he alerted us.) which he has brought up a few times over the last year and a half.

I feel for him when he says this shit. Except- he only believes he yelled twice during his time off over the holidays (Dec 15-Jan 5). One time we both "got defensive" and the other time he had apologized for being out of line when i called him out for it.

So I also called him out for the thing he said six months ago (about did i really need the $6 worth of food i ordered from Burger King value meal while we were on vacation) and also the other comment he made during that time. He doesn't remember either.

OF course not. He says shit all the time. I brought up what he said a week ago: This house is a fucking mess. That he thought he muttered under his breath but I heard him. At least this time he didn't say it during my yoga class that's recorded. THIS TIME.

So Steph reminds me this is how that abusive relationship works. He's hurting. I'm supposed to make it better. He makes it seem like I'm the problem. I've fallen for this for years. Back to the thought I had a week or two ago: WHAT IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM? Intimacy isn't guaranteed. If i don't feel safe with a person I do not have to be intimate with him. He's been talking me into shit with this cool, calm, smooth talk and I don't want my weekends rearranged for how he prefers them. I don't think it's bad that I worry how much he's sick when he's fucking sick all of the damn time. I inadvertently signed up for these awkward conversations before bedtime, so last night he asked how the writing was going and did i send anything out yet.

I talked a bit about my books. I mentioned a bit of self-publishing bc he wanted to know if I was sending anything out. So, not really, just actually publishing my own words and taking responsibility for having them out there. Because I want to have control of some of them - like this space western series that is starting to really take shape.

Space Western #1: The Art Dealer - waiting to be read by my alpha reader again
Space Western #1.5: The Stowaway - in edits, might be finished today if the stars align and I just get what i need to do. Will eventually be the free magnet story to draw readers in.
Space Western #2: The Creature Path - drafted, will edit next.
Space Western #3: No working title yet - notes exist but outline and characters not finished
Space Western #4: The Great Race - outline exists and it is ready to go when i get to that point in the timeline, until then, creatures could still die and be removed to other crews or places.
I also want to write about Dr. Shin-kr, but I'm not sure if he's a novel or novella. Plus I have an in-progress novella that is a paraquel with #1.

I have never been writing and editing like this. I feel like I'm reaching a level where I can go pro. Which is good because I'm going to need more money for the apartments that I am applying to. I start my new job on the 29th. Stay the course. I have this. I just... can't listen to a stupid butthurt man who can't even apologize for breaking my mug and YELLING at me like it's my fault. "We were both defensive" doesn't cut it.
January 9, 2024 at 4:03pm
January 9, 2024 at 4:03pm
#1062121
I made it to Tempest's appointments. Ended up teaching yoga in the clinic waiting room. Had a new lady and she didn't seem to mind.

Facebook has changed my mantra to: I can and I will for I am chaos
And I really think that fits. So, embrace chaos. Keep moving forward. Don't let things be stagnant or listen to shit Dilbert says. I need to make one more or two more for her, it just doesn't end.

Tempest caught me on my "other" phone, so we had another conversation. But I think she's ok. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to Dilbert, because that's harder. Dogbert, well, that'll likely be Friday. I'm not sure when I'll get the chance to have him around and not Dilbert, but possibly Thursday.




January 9, 2024 at 8:40am
January 9, 2024 at 8:40am
#1062105
As if things are starting with lightning speed - the credit card arrived yesterday (they said 7-10 business days, but that was like 3). Also got the call that my hire date will be 27 Jan and I will get details the week of the 22nd for my orientation.

The only setback? My daughter was in the car. So we had a talk about how I'm getting a job. That we deserve to be treated better and that I'm not taking her away from her father or his family and that she'll still be encouraged to see them when she wants. Plus I'm not leaving the school district.

I can't leave the damn school district. It would tear my girl to pieces. She's finally in a good place.

In other news, I don't feel safe on an intimate level with Dilbert. He made comments about my toys, comments about my underwear, and is suddenly pushing sex now that he feels better. (luckily I tweaked my neck so I have another day to figure out how to tell him to piss off.)

A friend offered me a bed to sleep in for a few days anytime it got rough.

While I'm working on a place to live, there are not a ton of options in the district, and they're expensive. But I'm working on that, too. It's probably also time to let my (s)dad know i might need money this year, and to keep some cash on hand just in case.

I want a healthy relationship for myself, where I stand up and give someone hell for even one of the things Dilbert was saying last night: SNOWMAGEDDON (you cant go to Tempest's doc appointments tomorrow.) That it's too bad i hurt my neck so we can't do whatver. and the one he said yesterday morning: this house is a fucking mess. I'm not sure if he really meant me to hear that one, but he's not quiet even when he whispers.

So basically, I'm hell-bent to get her to both of those appointments only because he said I can't. Excpet also bc she doesn't have school so she's not missing anything. And I'll need to break the job news this week. To both Dilbert and Dogbert.

(Make no mistake on Dogbert's name. He's *MY* mini-me and he's far more attached to me than Dilbert. Tempest is the one who has the attachment to him despite the crap he pulls..) I'm not worried about Dogbert. I'm worried for Tempest. I don't want her to have a relationship like this, either. But that's for another day, when she starts having relationships. *breathes* She's almost 15. She's nearly 5'3".
January 4, 2024 at 10:21am
January 4, 2024 at 10:21am
#1061857
Dilbert threw up again. I have shown up to two jobs so far this year, the third one today, and he's been on the couch not eating mostly but watching tv so loud i can hear it through the floor and sometimes sleeping. I don't know that his brain even works anymore.

Kids are great. Back to school and normal activities and times as of today. I have an extra coaching gig today and also Saturday, because more hours means more $$ that I can save getting ready for Things To Come.

In my mind, I envision this year as a board game, and I am a cat either flinging things off of it or flipping the damn table over for fun.
https://tenor.com/view/fuck-this-fuck-that-cat-kitty-fuck-this-thing-in-particul...
https://tenor.com/view/flips-table-tsunade-naruto-angry-gif-12520625

Applied for a credit card. Machine glitched at the last moment. I told him I would come back sometime when the tech was feeling favorable. Got an email later that I have been approved for x$ and it will be to be in ten days.

I need to get back to the books today. I was reading the novella last night and it's not bad. Only one big change so far and i'm 24 ish pages in.

Woke up with an awful migraine but between yoga and meds I'm ok now. Face is definitely in the aftermath mode but I can think now.
January 3, 2024 at 10:12am
January 3, 2024 at 10:12am
#1061792
January 2nd - Kids went to school, but Dilbert had diarrhea again, so he stayed home sick.
January 3rd - Kids went to school, but Dilbert threw up so he stayed home sick.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!

Well, Tempest did say she's not going to gymnastics practice after school without a bra but I can totally buy her one today. She can only find one (that i found yesterday) but it doesn't fit. Where did all her bras go?

Dilbert has gotten back on his rotating diet for metabolism... but when he has diarrhea he doesn't really eat. So: low carb day, diarrhea in the morning, didn't go to his sister's christmas. Didn't eat that day until dinner (i bet, i wasn't home) seemed fine the next day. Then back to the low carb day. Served us his rib roast, and I cut off enough fat for a pack of cards sized leaving. He ate it all. I did have more meat than fat, but I had to balance it because he literally only made meat and a salad. I added a slice of bread. Then more carby stuff later. (cookies, i think). He had diarrhea again the next morning. Didn't eat until dinner. Had pancakes. I can't make sense of the throwing up, but whatever.

I got fingerprinted yesterday for my new job, and asked a few questions. It's probably going to be ugly hours of morning and part time at first. It'll still knock over my schedule. Asked about an apartment that said it was available online, but it's a 1.5 year waitlist. Asked about another one- and applying to both today.

Considering moving up my publication schedule but that means digging back into these books that I let sit over the holiday week. There were too many interruptions to get any farther.

Still. Forward progress for me. Dilbert probably isn't even considering what a fucking useless lump he is, or that it's very likely what he eats that's making him have diarrhea. Or anything of the sort. He just sits there until he feels better - or not.

Called my cousin on New Year's Day. Her brother had a stroke and went home to sleep, because he didn't know the signs. (I'm the baby of the generation - they were i think 12 and 15 when I was born, he's the younger). She told me he's making a pretty decent recovery but he's still numb on one side in his face and his index finger and thumb but the feet have recovered. Figure that could be Dilbert.

Also looking for that safe place where I put the lawyer's number. I should do that sooner than later.

I feel like anyone else who didn't work this much would have repercussions.
January 1, 2024 at 7:26pm
January 1, 2024 at 7:26pm
#1061716
Have a conditional offer. Accepted it. Working to fulfill all the requirements to get it for real.
Looking at apartments. There aren't many with 3 bedrooms, and probably the kids will be where I am, so I need 3 bedrooms.

And Dilbert just keeps saying stupid stuff. And... yeah. Something has shifted. He's still in insecure mode.

I'm wracking my mind, because as much as I can plan this, I have no idea how to tell him he's a dipshit miser and I don't want to deal with it. I'm closer to thinking - it's either you or my self-respect, so I'm moving out because I need to choose me. I need my kids to see me in a healthy relationship with myself, not freaking out half-asleep because my kid is in my bed (scared? bad dream?) and I'm afraid of what Dilbert will do because he was patrolling upstairs to make sure Dogbert went to bed on his own before heading back to his theater cave.

So I took Dogbert into Dogbert's room and snuggled him there until he was okay. But I can't have either Dogbert or Tempest thinking Dilbert's behavior is okay, and since Dilbert refused therapy last year as an option - I'm out.

I know my reasons. I just don't know how to say it out loud. I did tell Mrs. Light today on the phone. She gets it. And reminded me that he had diarrhea when they were last here in November- so he was out for the wedding in October (and subsequently a bit of work), and then when they were here in November about a month later, and then at Christmas six weeks later... She wonders if it is related to his spicy food choices. I'm not sure but I asked him last February to take care of himself. And while he's back on his blood pressure medications and he had a yearly physical and eye doc appointment- that is all. This crazy diet that he stopped in October and went back on shortly before christmas.

his back/neck/shoulder whatever is finally starting to be better after all the muscle relaxants and the two chiro appointments, and he didn't believe me that it was over a month. I know I'm not crazy bc i wrote it down. He thinks it was three weeks. I think it's hell to live with him without him at work most of the time.

I'll probably call about an appointment tomorrow, and possibly look into supplemental income in case I need it. And call the divorce attorney my boss gave me the number for.

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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1946560-Inner-Workings-of-the-Machine