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 |  Little scraps of my life... my blog. |
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...And so much can happen in a week and half. I'm sure you're all sick of the C topic (and frankly, so am I) so the latest news is that I got over being treated like shit and being an emotional wreck daily, so when he decided it was over for the billionth time, I ran with it and refuse to get back together no matter how much he begs and threatens to kill himself (oh, please  ). About a day after that agreement in the entry below, he started on the nude photos again. This went on for about three days before I finally cracked it and did exactly what he had coming. I found a photo that was taken while he was visiting awhile back that was of himself with a nude statue in the background. Yes... you know what's coming! I, quite skillfully if I do say so myself, Photoshopped my head on the statue and sent him a text saying that I would do the photo and did he have any suggestions for positions? I would've thought me asking that would have sent off alarm bells but men plus female nudity seems to equal complete and utter stupidity. They block out everything else, every sense of rationality, and all they see is a tunnel with a nude girl at the end and just want to keep going 'til they get to her. Seriously, I find it really pathetic. Anyway, so I let him believe that I was sending him a nude photo of myself and pretended to be all worried and all of a sudden he gets hit with a pang of guilt and says if it makes me feel uncomfortable or anything, just say and he will delete it straight away (ahh, riiiiight - do I look stupid to you?) To cut the story short, he opened it, cracked it and said lots of very nasty things to me. Very nasty things. I'll spare you. And now we've been speaking on and off, him mostly wanting me back, me being sick of being treated like this. He says he's changed but I want proof. One minute he's saying he'll do anything, the next he's saying he's sick of this and is off again. *shrug* Honestly, I'm getting over it fast. He's a great guy and I do love him a lot, but unless he smartens up then this won't work. I need a strong, mature man by my side not an emotional, overly-sexually-charged boy. Next entry will be about New Zealand! Woohoo!  |
| So C and I are trying this thing. I'm not really liking it so far, though I know it's probably for the best. He came up with an "agreement" last night after I got shitty after I waited for him to come back online and he was off playing for Wii and getting dinner for three hours. I know I shouldn't wait for him, and I know he's allowed to go and have some fun (not mentioning the fact he should've been here this weekend anyway, so I kind of felt he shouldn't be having any fun without me... ). So anyway, as this keeps happening again and again - this is the problem with long-distance. You don't always know exactly what the other person is doing and you just want to know all the time! Sometimes it's a lack of trust, sometimes it's just boredom. I know this isn't healthy. I can't really build up trust when I know what he's doing every second of the day. Yeah, he's broken my trust before but if I think about it, he's usually been doing what he says he has. And if he hasn't, I tend to find out fairly quickly because his behaviour always changes due to guilt. So the agreement is that we cut out MSN, for one. MSN wastes my time and causes fights. I wait for him to come online or to come back and in the meantime, I don't really do much else. I need to start using my time productively. I actually suggested awhile back that we cut out MSN, and he wouldn't have a bar of it. Funny how he steals my idea now and if it works, I will be taking credit for it.  And if it doesn't, he can claim rights to the idea...  There is also a limit of two text messages a day, or three, or if there is something really important. That's kind of sucking right now though. I'm a bit attached to my phone. I could email but I'd rather not. Though I do wish he would email me and ask how I'm going or something... I would email him, but he'd probably get annoyed or something. I know this all sounds a bit dominative and demanding, which I guess it is, but I know I need it. I need a kick up the bum from someone. The whole idea is that I get a (real) job. He wants me to apply for at least 2 jobs every 2-3 days. That's a fair ask. There is also an agreement to call at least twice a week, though I don't know how well that will go. I wanted him to call today but he said he wanted to go for a walk.... I'm not exactly sure how long these walks take, but apparently they don't leave time for a phonecall. And don't think I was leaving this as a one-sided agreement either. My side of it is that he pray twice a day, we'll read a book of the Bible together and he makes a real effort to go to church. And that he doesn't ask for nude/semi-nude/anything remotely classified as such photos anymore. And that we trust each other that the other isn't off doing something they shouldn't or falling for anyone else. And that he respect me more. This all better work because I miss him so much.  I just want to have a quick chat, see how he's doing (okay, what he's doing...) and some lovey-dovey comments wouldn't go astray either. Hmm, this is a big test for me! |
| Well, things seem to be looking up now. We worked through it and are trying to get back on track. I'm still quite a bit down about it, especially considering I'm so miserable because he's not here this weekend like he should be. I took the weekend off work especially for his visit so it feels like a bit of a waste now. So it makes it harder just sitting around doing nothing, when we could be together. I'm trying hard to forgive and not resent him for it but it's really hard. Anyone have any pointers?! I think maybe in time the pain will heal itself. We just really need to learn to treat each other properly. We have similar personalities where we get upset easily, attack and then feel crap about it. It's amazing how a conversation can turn into a fight so easily! I take most things to heart because I value what he says so when he says something thoughtless and mean and then goes "just kidding", it still really hurts for me even if he is joking. It doesn't feel like a joke. I know there's a lot of love between us though and I don't want to just throw it away. I know he just threw it away before, but deep down he didn't want to. He says the reasons he did all this to me was because he didn't like me going to New Zealand. He's always had this thing where he thinks he's not good enough for me and that I could find someone better and more Christian, so for some reason he convinced himself that's what I was doing by going to NZ. And he's also had this thing (and still does) that he wants to see nude photos of me. Some male thing (apparently they're into sex or something...) and he thought by telling me he didn't find me attractive anymore he might be able to convince me to send some photos. Which is stupid because he knows it will never happen and he knows how offended I get. I can't seem to explain well enough why nude or semi-nude photos are so wrong, but I know they are. Someone offer me a good explanation? Especially since he had been looking at porn recently (though he swears he hasn't since) and I can't help but connect the two. How is that love when he looks at a nude photo of me and jerks off? That's not the kind of love I'm after. Anyway, he sent me an email full of promises so that helped get us back on track: 1) I promise to support and love you through the easy and hard times, to always be by your side and never let you down. 2) I promise to dedicate all my love to you, to never think of other girls, or look for avenues to 'get off'. I'm totally dedicated to you. 3) I promise to come and visit you as often as I can, to call you at least twice a week. Keep up regular contact through e-mail, IM and text messaging. 4) I promise to spoil you rotten, to remind you how much I love you as often as I can (even if you tell me you're getting sick of hearing it). 5) I promise to call you sweet names and treat you like a princess. 6) I promise to step up my religious faith, to pray at least twice a day, to attend church as much as I can, to dedicate my life to God first and you second. 7) I promise to never think about leaving you, you are my girlfriend, my lover, and my wife. I don't want anyone else. 8) I'm promised to you, I will conduct myself as such. 9) I promise to never HURT you again! You have my heart and I have yours, I will keep it safe forever! This is my commitment to you, you can bring it out if I breach any one of these promises, and put a punishment in place as you see fit. Now it's posted publically, he has to abide by it. |
| I got back from New Zealand last night and C broke up with me today. I'm kind of shattered. I say kind of because I'm a bit numb. It all happened so fast. I'm still not quite sure what's going on. He came online early afternoon sometime (he works night shifts so he was sleeping) and he was really distant. You would think that since I just got back after two weeks and we'd had very little proper communication in that time, that he'd be welcoming and say something like 'welcome home'. But instead he just went 'hi' and I was all happy to be speaking to him but he was really vague and took awhile to reply to messages and it was all a bit weird. So I got annoyed that he wasn't even being that friendly and of course then we started snapping at each other as usual. He kept saying did I want him to cancel the flights (he was coming to visit this weekend) and of course I didn't want him to, but the way he kept pushing it, I just ended up going 'yeah, fine, cancel it.' And I signed offline in a huff. He texted me telling me to get back online or he'd cancel the flights. I'm not the type who likes being ordered around, so I didn't come back. So he cancelled the flights and broke up with me. He sent me an email saying he felt like he was 'falling out of love' with me and he didn't find me that attractive anymore and doesn't get aroused, and when he looks at our pictures he doesn't see us as a couple. That I'm just becoming a burden. That basically made me feel like crap but at this point I was just really confused. I signed into Facebook and he had already listed himself as 'single'. I think that, for some reason, was quite hurtful. That after everything we've been through, how many times we've gotten through fights, that he didn't even give me a chance. I've given him so many chances. I lost count. And then all of a sudden, he decides he wants out and that's that. I don't even get a say in it. And the way he did it was just so cruel. Just like that. No second thoughts. Just to throw it away, kick me to the curb like dirt. He keeps saying that it wasn't cruel, yada yada... but it is. I mean, he had the perfect opportunity to come and see me and do it face to face. The flights were already booked. He says he wouldn't have done it if he had to look me in the eyes but that's such a copout. If you're going to break up with someone, you look them in the eyes and do it. But I'm just having a really hard time comprehending how he can do it. After all the promises of never leaving me, saying how much he loves me and cares for me, would never hurt me intentionally, loves me more than anything in this world, promising to always protect me and look after me, that I'm his future.....that I was the only one who could end it. And then he just gives it all up in a heartbeat. It makes no sense. Yes, we've had more than our fair share of problems and fights, but in the end, didn't we have love? I don't know now. If he comes crawling back, I don't think I can do it. I don't think I will. Not after this. He's probably right. We fight too much. We argue about everything you can think of. I know it's bad and unhealthy, but at the end of the day, we always forgave and got over it and the love was always there. It's so complicated. But to treat me like this? To toy with my emotions. I think I'll be fine though. I'm strong, I can manage on my own. New Zealand showed me that. I can be independent. I was doing pretty okay without C. In fact, I wasn't as stressed. But I still missed him like mad. You don't just forget. I did things to help me remember, like look at photos of us, wear a ring that reminded me of him, listen to songs he'd chosen before I left, lie in the bottom of a bunk bed and just wish and imagine he was there. The problem is all I want is a cuddle. A kiss and a cuddle and a big, long hug that lasts for minutes. He was always so good at that. He knew exactly how to hold me to make me feel like nothing in the world could hurt me. I was always so comfortable in his arms, looking into his eyes... it is the best feeling in the world. And I just want that back. Just one last time. I valued his touch so much. I don't know why. Well, I do... love, I guess. It's what hurts the most. The only time I start crying through all of this is when I think of the hugs and the closeness and the sweet messages and names he called me. I was reading back on a few text messages I had kept and he called me butterfly occasionally and sometimes 'sexy butterfly' which always made me laugh because it was so stupid. It didn't even make sense. But now it just hurts to think he doesn't think of me like that anymore. To think that I'm just not good enough anymore. There's more to be said of course. This whole thing is so complicated and there's so many different angles. But I'll just leave it at that. I needed to get some of it out. I'm going to just have to get over it. I can't take him back after this. I just can't. I have a feeling he might come around and want me back, but you never know, maybe not. I also think something else is going on, but he swears there isn't. But my intuition tells me there is something that he hasn't told me fuelling this. I could be wrong though. But for now, we're over. And there isn't much hope of reconciliation. Actually, I was reading pencilsoverpens  's blog before and I was reminded of an entry she had written when she and Ramon broke up. It's funny just how much I relate to every word. It's like a stream of consciousness from my head. And what's even more interesting is that they're married now! Not that I particularly feel like getting married to C... "Invalid Entry"  |
| I'm going to New Zealand tomorrow! I think I forgot to mention this earlier and now it's tomorrow already. I'm freaking out slightly, but I'll be right once I'm there. Or at least on the plane. I'm going on my own, but on a tour and for two weeks. I've got so much to do between now and when I leave so I better just leave this short. I promise photos when I get back! |
So, um, long time no see?   I can't believe the last time I blogged was just before Christmas! Time flies when you're having fun. Fun? you say, can I have some? Nope, it's all mine. haha. Well, lots of things have happened. Where do I start?! (not in order of importance... more like order of how long it takes me to remember) C My dear C, my online lover. Well, we met and all went well! He came down the end of January and I took along my poor friend and he took along his friend... and we met. It was a bit awkward, even though we had talked on the phone many times before. It's just that initial face to face that can be a bit overwhelming. But soon we were left alone for the afternoon (unplanned, actually) and we walked around the city and talked and whatnot. He was only down for a week but we met up four times and by the end of it, we were officially acting "coupley" - all together now... awwww. We went to see the movie 27 Dresses and had our first cuddle and kiss - and again... awwww. It was my first kiss and his too. Woohoo. Okay, so it wasn't the best kiss ever but we've practised since and got much better. He came down again this week just past for some interviews but it turned out he got a job in another state, and one that is much closer to what he wants as a career. It's a bit sad that he had to leave, but I've come to terms with it. He's only an hour flight away and we have all sorts of communication methods so we'll give it a good go and hopefully everything will be fine. I'm not sure how long he'll be working there though. Could be anything from one year to four. But like I said, we'll just have to see. No point carrying on about it and starting with the 'what ifs'. Computers My computer died. Supposedly, a power surge went through it and killed it. What I don't understand is that we had a power surge protector on it because this has happened once before. They say the protectors can fail and we're just really, really unlikely for it to happen twice. However, last time they were able to salvage the hard drive. This time, no such luck. I lost it all. And it costs like $2000 to get someone to try and get data off it. I rang up one business and the guy starts referring me to this place three states away who are really good and "do flight box recorders and everything..." I'm like, "what?!" My data isn't quite as important as a plane that has crashed... So anyway, I bought a new computer. A pretty new iMac. It's got a huge screen and doesn't get viruses and isn't slow and I really like it. It cost a bucket and a half, but what can you do. Well, okay, buy a cheaper computer. But that would mean a PC and that's so yesterday. Jobs I don't have one. Well, I still have my part-time one but I finished my graphic design course the end of last year and I'm just applying. It's actually taken a fair bit of time to get myself moving. After I finished, there was Christmas and New Year and I was working a lot and that took up a lot of my time. Then I decided I needed a portfolio website and that took forever. Then halfway through procrastinating my way through that, my computer died. Thankfully, I had actually put it up online in test mode so I hadn't lost it. C ended up finishing it for me so I could apply in time for this job that seemed perfect for me. I didn't even get a look in for it and I was really disappointed. I've applied for a couple jobs since but I just feel like I'm not going to get anything. I know that's pessimistic. I'm trying to have faith and C is a great help, but it's really hard. I suppose one day I'll get something.  Hmmm, I know there were other things I wanted to say but I can't remember now. I'll try to blog more and maybe it will come out. Oh, I have a photo to share! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  |
| Okay, an update! I've been terrible at this lately. A few things I want to write about though. First: work. Too much of it! As usual, there's just work, work and more work around Christmas. I swear, it never ends. Sadly, this year I have to work Christmas Eve again AND Boxing Day - for the first time ever. Crappy hours, but good money. And I get the day after off so I guess that can be my Boxing Day substitute. Second: Chris. It will be the first anniversary of his death. It's really rough remembering what I went through. The first six months of this year really sucked. And then... Third: C. Then C came into my life. I swear, it was almost like God was waiting for me to get over Chris before he introduced C. I had that mini-breakdown in about July and signed up to the forum where I met C in August. It's funny how perfect these things work. We've had four phone conversations now and they keep getting longer and longer. lol. I could just sit and listen to him for hours. I barely remember what we talk about, but I know I enjoy it a lot. So yeah, it's going quite well. And the phonecalls really help. I just fall a little bit more every time. Gah, he just does things to me. And after all our talk about hugs and cuddles, they'd better be good ones when the time comes! Fourth: my cousin. Remember the one with anorexia? Well, a couple of days ago she was in and out of consciousness in the middle of the night. The mental health department basically came and got her and put her in a locked room in a hospital's psych ward. This is because she was resisting, though she's cooperating now. There is a special ward for eating disorders apparently, but it's full up... but hopefully she can be transferred there soon because a locked room is a bit extreme I think. And also, she is quite severe too because I learnt today her body mass is below the official 'critical' level for anorexics... like 13 body mass or something and critical is 15. There's a lot to the story really.... So anyway - I should blog more! But the big week of working starts tomorrow...so yay.  Take care, ya'll! |
| You didn't think my next entry wouldn't be about C, did you? It's all I'm thinking about these days. It all feels so unreal. In a good way. I'm thinking about him all the time. I haven't been questioning, per se, but I've been thinking.... how do you know if this is for real? How do I know that when we meet, sparks will fly and that's it, he's the one for me? He says he already knows. He hopes we'll spend the rest of our lives together and if we meet, and everything falls apart, he'll be absolutely devastated. Am I the same? Yes, I think I probably am but I'm denying to myself. It's scary. I don't want to fall for him without meeting, though I think I already have a little. When I think about him, it's just like everything is okay again and my heart kinda swells a little, if that makes sense. I'm a little concerned that he's getting ahead of himself though, but everytime I mention it, he thinks I'm backing out. He's a bit insecure in himself. I just kind of want to get the meeting out of the way, so he can hold me and there will be sparks and then I'll know for sure. The other thing that has been on both our minds lately is the fact he's not a Christian and I am. He knows what that means. We've discussed it a few times recently and he has a really open heart about it. He went to Christian schools, but felt like it was all so shoved down his throat that he just wasn't interested. I explained a few things to him, not in like great detail, but just the basics and he said he understood. He's just amazing like that. The thing that has absolutely stuck in my head over the past couple days is that he said he thanked God for bringing me into his life. He doesn't pray, but believes there is a God... and that's what he did. It just melted my heart. I really hope God is working within him. Nothing would make me happier than for C to start believing. If that happened, that's it, then I know we're meant to be. Without a single doubt in my mind. He also kind of said the same thing... he said that he thinks maybe God wants us to be together and maybe that's why he ended up in Christian schools. It's just....awww.... *sigh* I think I love him. I won't say it just yet, even though he does, because I want to meet first. But the connection is so strong it's completely undeniable. He just does something to me. And I know how well he will look after me. And it hurts a little to be apart. He said it and I know I feel it. Whenever he's not around, I wish I was talking to him. It just makes my day just that little bit better. And if I don't talk to him for a day, it feels like something is missing. But I can't do anything yet. I want to leave this in God's hands. I know He has a plan. Everything that has happened is for a reason. |
| ...and then all of a sudden I was in a relationship. The other night me and C (that's what I'll call him) had a looooong chat, and decided the we have mutual feelings for each other and would like to be in some kind of relationship. Now, I can 'some kind of' because this is online. I really like him and he makes me very happy, but I do know that this is very much not your average relationship. It was interesting how we got to this point though. I can barely even remember how we got on the topic. I have thought that he has had proper 'I like you' feelings for quite some time, and I have too, but I didn't really think we have a go at being together. I don't even know what it involves. I like it though. I think I said something, which led him to asking if I had any feelings and when I said I did, he was over the moon that I reciprocated his feelings. After that, I don't think he could quite calm down. He just said everything he ever wanted to I think. How strongly he felt...etc... lots of mushy stuff. I'm not quite as forward though, even if I feel it too. I'm just like that I think. Like I told him, I have a wall. It's a comfort zone wall and anyone I let in, I have to be sure will take care of me. And I can't let it go without even having met him. Is this sounding strange? I never thought I would ever do this kind of thing, but it just kind of happened. Anyway, the next morning I wake up to a 'good morning, sweetie' text message (yes, he called me that before anyway) and no less than four emails. I started to feel a little like...whoa...what the hell have I done, though I still felt the same. He just keeps professing his feelings again and again, and after the four emails, I asked him to back off a bit and take it a bit slower, which he was happy to do and admitted he got a bit too excited. I think what it is, is that he's never had a serious girlfriend and has all these feelings that he's just dying to give to someone. And I'm fine with that, but I feel like I can't give him what he gives me. He says all these wonderful things that just melt me. Like when he knows I'm feeling upset, all he wants to do is hold me until it goes away. I mean, I'd kill for someone to do that for me. I'm also still unsure. I want it, yes, but at the same time the little voice of logic in my head knows that an purely online relationship is just... I don't know... hard to pull off. I still can't give him 100% of my trust for the very reason it's based online. I know to make it 'real', we would have to meet and hit it off just as much face to face. But yet, it feels so real now. It's funny sometimes how your heart just seems to wander off without you... |
| It's my birthday tomorrow and it's almost amusing how much I don't care. I've been really down the past week. I'm all down in the dumps and I'm not entirely sure why - I just know I feel like shit. Probably the end of the year blues again. And besides, every birthday since my 18th have been nothing special. My 18th was good, and it went downhill from there. Is it really cynical of me to hate birthday's so early in my life? I'm only turning 23. Isn't it like a 30-40 year old thing? All I know is that no-one really cares, sometimes because they don't actually know about it and sometimes because they simply forgot. Which I have done myself, so I shouldn't be too critical. You're all like, it doesn't matter, it's just a birthday - but when the day actually comes around and all you get is a couple cards and presents from family, it kinda sucks. You know what this stems from? My best friend not coming to my 21st - she was the only person invited other than my immediate family. There's a story behind it, but I'll skip that. But ever since then, I've had really low expectations for my birthday but secretly hoping something good would happen, therefore still managing to be disappointed. This year, I will be TAFE working my arse off. I didn't bother organising a party. Unfortunately, everyone else decided to have one and I have three parties in quick succession just after my birthday. So, I'll rock up, say happy birthday and no-one will even know it was my own birthday just last week. Quick, someone wish me happy birthday and cheer me up so I can stop acting like a grumpy old woman. |
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