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2,953 Public Reviews Given
3,697 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.
I'm good at...
...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.
Favorite Genres
Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.
Least Favorite Genres
Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.
Favorite Item Types
Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic
Least Favorite Item Types
Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.
I will not review...
Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review by Acme
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


Hello, my sister *Smile* I was in the mood for love, so took a peek in your love poetry folder and the title and brief description of this poem caught my eye. I'm so glad I did, because I'm still smiling at it. Your extended metaphor worked really well. I liked the whimsy of the opening stanzas, and the mushy rotten reality of it in the middle, leading to the end feeling of knowing that mushy or not, the whimsy of love is always worth the reality checks that come with it. So, it's probably no surprise that this is my favourite excerpt:
The color of dreams fading away,
when grass kneels to cushion the fall
to miss the harvest in a rotten mush,
but upon reflection, it’s worth it all.
Says it all!

Write on and take care!
152
152
Review of Were I a poet  
Review by Acme
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


Hello, my sister *Smile* As it has been some time since I visited your portfolio, I thought I would do so. I chose this item to review because it was in your highlighted item section and the title and brief description reminded me of something I would say!

What makes this such a smashing poem is that many other poets will be able to relate to it, and, of course, it's very obvious that you are a poet *Bigsmile* I loved the structure you gave this, the common starting line to each stanza, and the beautiful imagery you evoked via the nature-laden imagery and language choices. My favourite part was the simplicity of this closing stanza:
I wish
I were a poet,
in a dance with words,
expressing the joy of life.



Write on and take care!
153
153
Review of Totem Wolf  
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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*Star*AN ACME REVIEW*Star*

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

It's been a while since I spent time in your portfolio, so I thought now was a good time to rectify that *Smile* I was drawn to this item by the intriguing title and brief description. This is a beautiful portrait of the narrator's spiritual journey, and I can see why it has an awardicon attached to it. I particularly found the latter part of the poem full of satisfying imagery, especially this:
I find joy amidst the coves of pines,
the branches of great oaks and the sweet scent of maple after a pre-spring rain.


*Star*Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care! *Star*
154
154
Review of The Beast  
Review by Acme
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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*Star*AN ACME REVIEW*Star*

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Hey, Loti *Smile* I've not visited your portfolio for a long time, and as I noticed you were on line, I thought now would be a good time to amend that.

This item caught my eye with the promise of action in your brief description. I wasn't disappointed as I could see the pair walking through the woods quite clearly, as well as the build up in tension via the tone. I enjoyed the surprise ending, as I did reading the whole item *Thumbsup*

I liked the small moments of relief you popped in, breaking the tension with a little bit of humour:
“If you don’t shut up, I will feed you to the beast myself.”

“You wouldn’t dare. I would tell on you.”

“Not if you were eaten, you wouldn’t.”


Your writing style makes for easy reading, but I did get a little confused here:
There’s that noise again – to the left now ahead of us.
A little more punctuation to the last part of this sentence will help show how it should be read. For example:
There’s that noise again – to the left - now ahead of us.
or:
There’s that noise again – to the left now - ahead of us.


Also, you may want to remove some of the direct addresses when the pair are together--people in a two-way conversation hardly mention each other's names.

*Star*Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care! *Star*
155
155
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall impressions and suggestions

concept
It's horrible to be on the wrong side of unrequited love, and the lack of understanding and desperation in your narrator's tone makes this a raw and tortured piece.

form/structure
I thought you did a good job of treating the reader as a confidant to pour out your narrator's story and woes to. It reminded me of a monologue; the kind of which I can remember clearly from comforting my own friends who had been in similar situations. Because of that, I do think that many readers will be able to relate to this piece.

point-of-view/voice
Oh, you capture the tone of frustrated loss well through the first person point of view. It drew me into the narrator's world and I sympathised with him.

imagery/use of detail
The imagery is unsettling and vague enough for the reader to paint their own scenery in their mind. While that's great, there are opportunities to expand on it and bring your reader closer to the heart of your narrator's story.

personal commentary
My whole world fell apart, all i could think of was What did i do to deserve this?
It's worth your while to check your presentation throughout the item, even the brief description, because your brief description is what will hook a potential reader's attention.

All i had ever done was care deeply about her
Capitalise 'I'

Maybe that was it, maybe loving her was why I'm feeling the way I do now.
It helps your reader if you stick to the same tense throughout. A comma is not strong enough to join two independent clauses together without a conjunction.

scissors that lay there innocently. My hand shakily reached for them
When you notice a lot of 'ly' words, it can be an indication of needing to widen your vocabulary and build your descriptions to show more.

crying my hearts out
one heart; no need for plural.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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156
156
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
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concept
This essay is a personal account of explaining Global Warming to a child. You develop it into a series of ideas that can be implemented from small-scale to large.

form/structure
I like how you took a personal experience (a conversation with your child) and developed your ideas/arguments from there.

point-of-view/voice
Your argument is persuasive and easy to follow. You do not intimidate the reader; rather, you share your own personal experiences and offer your own conclusions for people to consider when drawing their own.

imagery/use of detail
The detailing is good. You use imagery personal to you, and imagery that gives a cultural framework for your arguments. My only suggestion would be to quote sources where appropriate.

personal commentary
“Will we be faced with another tsunami??”You do not need end the line twice. Use single end line punctuation.

Visually, you've indented some paragraph starts and not others. It looks better if you maintain the same formatting throughout.

or {/i}Mahapralay{/i} whenever

You might want to check your use of WritingML. You can find the codes by going to the Site Navigation pane to the left of you screen, select Site Tools and click the option WritingML Help

to third world needs-small scale and relatively easy to implement.
Use an elongated em dash (--) to separate your added emphasis to a sentence. The hyphen only joins compound adjectives together.
157
157
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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concept
This short, disturbing piece is well crafted. You did a good job of showing a range of conflicting emotions flash through Jack.

form/structure
Starting after violent action has occurred adds to the disturbing tone of the piece. I liked the fact we never had to meet Mary to understand her actions and to be able to sympathise with her.

point-of-view/voice
In relatively few words, you managed to convey the terrifying, controlling, abusive and lonely existence of a girl driven to take her own life to escape it. To convey all her horror and story through someone else's point of view was well done.

imagery/use of detail
What little there is, is used well to give an indication of how to 'see' the story unfold. Poetic swathes of descriptive prose are not needed here. Instead the details of setting are mixed with the exploration of the character's thoughts and deeds:
Shame swept over Jack like a giant wave. He leaned against Mary’s door. Great sobs wracked his enormous body as he battered his head against the door. Blood streamed from his already wounded head, filling his eyes. He could see nothing, feel nothing but an overwhelming sense of his miserable failure with Mary.


personal commentary
I loved this. It made me wince. It made me flinch. It made me have an emotional response to your words.
158
158
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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concept
An intriguing and compelling vampire tale from the orient. I think you did a great job of taking me into the story via historical and cultural references.

form/structure
I know that grammatical style is a pretty subjective thing, but there were times that I thought the odd comma wouldn't go amiss to add clarity. While the story moved at a great pace for plot, there were some tense shifts that were a little distracting.
One weak naked bulb hanging from a thin pole cast long shadows in front of the few surviving shops preparing to close for the day.
One weak(,) naked bulb hung from a thin pole and cast long shadows in front of the few surviving shops preparing to close for the day.


point-of-view/voice
I read and re-read this story. I read for pleasure, and then I tried to re-read as a judge, but I couldn't! Your narrative voice is so strong, and your action scenes so vivid, that I kept getting dragged back to the entertainment. I thought telling the story with that slight removal of subjectivity that third person narrative brings was good as you used it well to show Mari's situations. Every now and then you allowed the reader access to Mari's thoughts, as well those places where you allowed the narrator's voice to become coloured by Mari's experiences, mixing story descriptions with comparable imagery unique to Mari:
The eastern sky paled as the tortured land spun toward the sun(,) as a child would turn to its mother for solace from injury.


imagery/use of detail
Oh, you craft your language beautifully. From the simple descriptions of Mari buying candy, to metaphor and simile, your imagery and detail make this story shine:
Memories, best not to have them. They were like a needle stuck on a gash of a record playing the same notes over and over except they were scenes forming behind her eyes so she couldn’t shut them out no matter how she tried.


personal commentary
Sometimes, cutting and pasting can mean that formatting is lost. These lines have single returns in them:
Mari opened her purse and pinched the coin between two slim fingers. She could have bought ten like them for that price four years ago, but everything
was cheaper before the war.
159
159
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hello friend *Smile* Please consider this a review for the Comedy All Sorts Contest, just as much as it is for Troublesome Musings *Thumbsup*

concept
Funny. I do like a comedy poem, and, being terminally British and rather juvenile, I find most bodily functions, including sex, most amusing. Being British also means that I haven't had the happy opportunity to witness an advertisement like the one at the heart of this poem, but I certainly got the idea.

form/structure
The quatrains work really well in setting up the rhyme and rhythm of your poem, and the simplicity of it makes it great for comedy use. The opening and closing refrain stanza works as a three line intro and exit, because it acts as a frame of reference for watching the commercial.

point-of-view/voice
I liked the first person narrator but would suggest that you make the second active voice (the commercial/unseen commentator of 'have you seen?') a little more distinctive when they are sharing their thoughts, by using emphasised text, such as italics to differentiate between the different voices.

imagery/use of detail
Oh, what imagery is there is comic, classic, and leaves a lot up to the imagination of the reader. You don't need much more than that, because you are not setting up a comedy situation for later pay-off in a punchline--the commercial is the punchline, enhanced by the narrator's commentary on it.

personal commentary
As you have a good natural rhythm, but are not under any pressure to deliver a set syllabic line count, you can polish those areas of delivery that are on shaky grammatical ground, like this fragmented sentence in stanza form:
With ladies lining up now
to play with your toy,
and smiles all around
for both the girl and boy.
Ladies line up
to play with your toy,
and smiles all around
for both the girl and boy.
The reason I suggest removing the 'now', too, is because it avoids repetitious language use later:
You’re quite the stud now,
160
160
Review of The Riddle  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
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concept
This poem provides a good riddle for readers to amuse themselves with. It is a little bit of a one trick pony, but it does a good job in providing a pleasant diversion *Smile*

form/structure
The single stanza works well, as does the traditional riddle format of 'I' line starts.

point-of-view/voice
The narrator becomes the item at the end of the riddle, so first person pov is used.

imagery/use of detail
I think you did well here. Some of your lines used good language choices and rhyme and rhythm:
I am salvation, without breath,
I am damnation, without death.


You might want to review your punctuation use, as it seemed a little cluttered and inconsistent in its use. You may also want to make the most of the genre choices available to each WDC item. Readers using the site's search engine have a better chance of finding your work if you do.
161
161
Review of The Painting  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* AN ACME REVIEW *Star*


*Bullet* General Impressions, thoughts and suggestions

For want of a better template, I went with this *Smile* Thank you for taking the time to visit my portfolio, and for choosing to read and comment on an item that I had not yet received any feedback on.

As my item had been inspired by a painting, I thought it only proper to take a peek at your painting, and I was instantly happy to see that it was written in response to a prompt from Writer's Cramp; it's a muse-busting contest that always seems to prod the best out of the imaginations of those who enter.

I thought you did an amazing job of capturing scene, character, plot, and emotional content in such a relatively short piece of prose. You delivered an entire story, using the clever device of transporting the narrator through time/imagination/regression into the painting. You even had time for a spot of foreshadowing the tragedy of loss to come. *Thumbsup*
The parasol gave me the illusion of being protected. I knew I needed protection from more than the sun, but it was no use.


I realise the Cramp means that you only have 24 hours to create your piece, but there isn't much I would suggest to improve what you have here, anyway. In fact, my only suggestions are personal style suggestions that you can feel free to ignore:
That painting that calls to me even today, more than a century later, as


Once your narrator is out of their reverie and back in the Impressionists Gallery, you may want their mental voice to go back to the informal one used at the start (contractions and colloquialisms), rather than the more formal language expressed in the final paragraph.

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!
162
162
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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concept
Death is sometimes a thing hungered for, and not because of any impulsive desire to end it all. You do a good job of showing someone who is lonely, has lost more than they have gained, and is living on memories, waiting to die, rather than waiting to live. This is beautiful, thoughtful, troublesome musing at its best. Nothing is black and white. There is no right and wrong. There is only a non-related narrator marking the passage of time of one human being who is near the end of their life.

form/structure
I did enjoy the way you presented this poem, and am a big fan of cyclical storytelling in narrative poetry, as well as short stories. For that reason the repetition of the first and final stanza works well as well as developing the core of the tone, because I couldn't help but think of the elderly people who I have known who have a habit of reliving their memories so much that they often fall foul of repetition.

point-of-view/voice
I liked the way you showed me the old person through the eyes of a young offender. It made for a deftly sketched character portrayal of both narrator and subject.

imagery/use of detail
Oh, I just loved the rolling imagery that you used in this poem. My favourite example is the first--and repeated final--stanza's stream of consciousness connections between the whistle of the kettle, to the whistle of the train, to the clickity-clack of the train, to the clickity-clack of the antiquated heating system in the old lady's apartment. Great use of onomatopoeia, too *Thumbsup*

personal commentary
We sit and dream of day's past.

I had family and friend's who came to visit.
plurals do not need apostrophe.
163
163
Review of The Bug  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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concept
The real horror of this story is Jamie's insistence that someone listen to her, and no one does. You have the beginnings of a good short horror story here, but you may want to consider re-editing and working on it a little to make it the best it can be.

form/structure
It felt a little all over the place, as if you had some good ideas that all wanted writing out at once, and you didn't have time to work on connecting them together. That made me think this was a first, or early, draft of the story. In future edits you may want to look at the beginning of your story, which uses a lot of flashbacks, instead of hitting the reader with action. You may also want to work on those paragraphs that link each 'scene' in your plot together.

point-of-view/voice
The story is told by the narrator in first person. Her voice isn't as distinctive as it could be, because you tend to tell the reader what is happening, rather than show Jamie in action. Maybe that has to do with some of the points I raise about form/structure, but it's always a good idea to go over your story to look for those areas of true horror that you can bring to the fore.

imagery/use of detail
There are some good parts of the story that you could develop in future editing, in order to 'show' it unfold, rather than tell it:
"There's a bug inside of me!" After her outburst and failed attempt to convince them, Mom and Dad sent Jamie away, hoping and praying that she would be all right.

and:
The flesh from her arm hung down gruesomely, dripping blood.
If you see a 'ly' ending, it's often a clue to an area where you can show more detail. What was gruesome about it? What colour was it? Did it use any verbs? (flap, twist, jerk, rip etc.) Did it use any similes? (hung down like a cadaver, swinging from a gibbet)

When you do take time to offer descriptions, they are vivid and expressive. I particularly enjoyed this excerpt where you allowed me a glimpse of Jamie's frame of mind, as well as using some chilling imagery:
Jamie remembered how it felt to dig her nails into her skin and watch blood ooze out. Her nails were filthy and blood encrusted, but sharp. She remembered the pain as her nails slowly sliced her skin where she felt the bug moving. It gave her such pleasure and terror at once. Pleasure for being close to getting rid of the bug. Terror at what she was doing to herself.


personal commentary
The bug! It's all the bug's fault!. It squirmed and bit and wriggled inside of her! Wanting to eat through her organs before eating through her skin! It treated Jamie like she was its playhouse!
Overuse of exclamation marks lessens their initial impact. At worst the writer looks excitable, at best the writer looks as if they can't find any other punctuation key on their keyboard. You do not need to use a period after an exclamation mark, as it is an 'enhanced' period (in other words, it's a period with a bit more of a job to do) like a question mark.

Spell checks won't catch everything, so do proofread for typos, too:
Her scream echoed in the halls, drawing everyone attention.

She felt it move around inside her, as it laughing maniacally at its escape.

They rebandaged her arm and several hours late.

Her injuries itch and were sore.

It mades its way to the pile of dark hair where it hid.
164
164
Review of The Emetic  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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concept
Bulimia is an illness that is now, thankfully, more in the public eye than ever, and more and more people are beginning to understand the stresses and horrors that sufferers and loved ones go through. Poetry is a great way to be able to broach social misconceptions on a subject like this in an emotional way, and can prove to be cathartic for those suffering.

form/structure
The simple quatrain structure makes this poem flow at an even, steady pace, lending power to your language use and vocabulary choices.

point-of-view/voice
First person is maintained throughout, and a certain amount of disassociation from the mechanics of vomiting is established from the start here:
I do not watch myself
from above, couldn’t possibly
imagine how my body
looks at these moments.


imagery/use of detail
The imagery used is direct in places, and in others uses poetical devises to serve as metaphor:
I moan the cry of the
cows that haunt me through
my bedroom window
at night


personal commentary
The descriptions were all vividly executed. I liked the way that emotion was reigned in, by the strong sense that the narrator was commenting on, rather than appearing in, the content of the poem.
165
165
Review of Best Friends  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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concept
I loved this story about illicit smoking and the early days of friendships compared, as it grew into a life-long commitment to tobacco. You could have written it for me, and I have that giddy flush of wanting to share my romance story with you (luckily, I'll curb it). Suffice to say, anyone who has ever become best friends with this bad news character, is bound to be able to relate to your story.

form/structure
The structure is a simple linear progression of the narrator retelling a memory. The reminiscing takes a whole, typical winter day, in the life of a teenager. It smacks of reality, because of little details (such as the moral easing of conscience regarding theft, when weighed against discovery).

point-of-view/voice
The whole tone of the piece is conversational, as if the narrator is reminiscing to a friend (the best friend mentioned?) or as if addressing a journal entry, or other confidant. It works well, and the first person point of view is essential in creating that sense of informal intimacy.

imagery/use of detail
Oh, your imagery is wonderful. From your choice of vocabulary, to the wider vivid descriptions of the land, the town, the shop, the family routine, and your narrator's 'smoking spot', you allow the reader to recreate your world and make it solid in their mind's eye. Here's my favourite example:
The massive branches intertwined with each other creating a year round ceiling of green pine needles. There was barely any snow on the ground there, just a thick brown layer of dead needles. The air smelled like my mom had scrubbed the kitchen with pine-sol.


personal commentary
On WDC the majority of short stories use double spacing between paragraphs and dialogue. This is helpful, because many readers scroll down their screen rather than print off reading material.

tree line.My sanctuary
and
and me.Then, as
double space key hit needed after period.
166
166
Review of Eminence Grise  
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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concept
I was most appreciative of the author's note at the bottom of this entry. While I could cleary see the returning veteran (you convey your meaning well), the note did shock me that suicide rates are increasing, as I thought this would be an 'old' problem, more keenly associated with older campaigns, not the more recent, such as Afghanistan etc. Poetry is, as ever, a powerful way to express emotional responses to moral, social and political events. This poem hit home to me.

form/structure
free verse and flowing imagery mean that you have given full flight to your imagination... you might be thinking that's a lot of 'f's? What can I say, your wonderful alliteration is catching! Good use of many poetic tools make this a smashing read, not least the way you engaged my senses here:
I feel the pain trickle from me, the images darkening,
the sounds fading, the faint ferrous smell of release
overwhelming the pungent past...


point-of-view/voice
There is no direct comment on the scenario unfolding, as though the suicide victim is in some way removed from their act by their commenting upon it. I thought the way that all metaphor/simile comparisons drew back to the desert was poignant, especially in the final stanza.

imagery/use of detail
I chuckle in irony. The razor blade looks like a dog tag,
complete with my name and, soon, blood type.
Funny, I had forgotten what it felt like to laugh.
fabulous brooding imagery, but the reason I chose to highlight this particular stanza was the way you looked a humour in it. I know that you are a very humourous person, but here, there is the grimace behind the gin, a dark edge to things that aren't really funny at all. My only suggestion would be to qualify the part of irony that you find amusing: I chuckle at the irony... rather than 'in' it.

personal commentary
I have no suggestions for improvement, Ken, but I would ask you to consider to look at other places on WDC where you can showcase this moving poem, such as the honoring our veterans forum.
167
167
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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concept
I was instantly drawn into this fantasy world of a patriarchal society controlled by the Leader's powerful grip on the populous through conditioning and drugging.

form/structure
I did find the story easy to follow, even though I was carried backward and forward by the story's time-line. The opening line never really gets a 'pay-off' as the end concludes with the first waking thought since the narrator changed. Some of the 'had's, when used to show memory, are redundant, because you clearly show the scene is in the past, so there is no need to continue to re-iterate: the whole story is a flashback montage.

point-of-view/voice
The story is told in first person point of view, as if reminisced by the narrator. The opening line is strong, hints at the story to come, and sets the tone for what will follow. The narrator's voice is distinctive and the story-world is created through their eyes.

imagery/use of detail
There are broad hints to the reader's imagination that this is a scientifically advanced society (chemical/technological developments etc.), but other than the physical descriptions of the men, there is little done to 'dress the set'. The imagery that is used is serviceable: it gives a frame for the action to unfold in. Your vocabulary/language use is well employed. No word is wasted, but sometimes more is more, and you may want to qualify their use by showing more description, eg:
I woke up in a bed. I was naked, I noticed almost immediately. My head felt clear, clearer than I ever remembered.
How did that feeling of clarity manifest itself? What was the narrator's reaction at finding themselves naked and in unfamiliar surroundings?

personal commentary
You might want check your punctuation use if editing. Here are a few examples:
displayed his well built physique
well-built

They had stopped taking their meds... the ones invented by the Leader to prevent the most horrific diseases from spreading across the globe... and were caught in an act of 'stress relief' not taught by any clinic.
elongated dashes are better than ellipses when separating parenthetic prose. Ellipses should only be used to indicate missing words or to trail off in a dramatic manner...

"You have my thanks for stopping it Solider. You are a good citizen."
comma needed before 'Soldier', and you should run a spell check.
168
168
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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concept
I like the way you take an ordinary day and your protagonist's desires, and set them up against several antagonists (time, the crash, the neighbour, the neighbour's son), and their desires. I do enjoy good action-filled material, and this certainly was full of nail-biting horror/action.

form/structure
You do a good job of creating tension and action in this horror story, but I found it very disjointed. As soon as I told myself to regard this as a 'dream sequence' (when there was no explanation for your protagonist to be shackled in the back-yard), my imagination was much more forgiving of the distracting jumps in plot. The point is, some readers may not be quite so forgiving. Hinting this is a dream will allow them to pass-off any surreal, unexplained changes in direction as just that, but what if they expect you to communicate that better to them? After all, as the author it is you who should be doing all the hard work to entertain them, and not them having to do all the hard work in the hope that you will provide entertainment as payment.

point-of-view/voice
The first person point of view is strong, but the voice changed a few times because of tense shifts. You might want to take some time editing for these in particular. Crisp vocabulary meant that your narrative voice was powerful and distinctive.

imagery/use of detail
Your imagery is stunning. You were detailed enough to set each individual scene, without going into too much detail which could cripple a reader's imagination. I thought the horror of each circumstance came across clearly through the action and description that you used.

personal commentary
Readers of this short story liken me to Quentin Tarantino.
That's great, but what is your story about? Use the brief description to hook a potential reader's attention.

Dawn had barely made its self visible
itself

the well kept yard ... was a king sized orange ... Standing next to my neighbors crippled body
well-kept, king-sized, neighbor's. Check punctuation throughout.

Use of the 'f' word in several instances, and the violent scene of anal rape, mean that this item's rating should be increased to GC.

While this is fantasy led, that doesn't mean that you can ignore what authenticity you give the story in creating plot and character. Your action descriptions, and dialogue, have created certain expectations in your reader's mind, so when you make a character step outside of what is expected, a reader will question the whole world you have created and become disassociated with your story. For example, this is a huge change in the language/vocabulary used by the neighbour's character:
“How foolish you are to rely on this clumsy old bat! Her abilities are as defunct as her wrinkled hands.”
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Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Star* Acme's Bazaar Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


Overall impressions and suggestions

Dear Ken, this is my seventh and final review from the Lucky 7 package. My apologies for ending the week a day early, but I am unsure of my ability to meet all my online commitments tomorrow *Smile*

One of the things that I like about your poetic comedy voice, is that you always add at least one considered, thoughtful, opinion on the subject; no matter how slapstick and silly other parts of your poetry get. I found one such profound moment of insight here:
Growing old's a challenge,
not for the faint of heart.
You need to keep on pushing
just like at the start.


In fact, I don't have any suggestions to improve what I believe to be the perfect poem: good attention to rhyme and rhythm, appropriate language choices, humour tailored to each stanza's need, and a unique poet's-eye-view on a subject familiar to a lot of the population!

My only suggestion is not for the poem itself, but for the content rating. Reference to alcohol means that this item should be rated at 13+

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
170
170
Review by Acme
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Star* Acme's Bazaar Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


Overall impressions and suggestions

Oh, my dear, dear, comedy-master *Laugh* I actually chortled out loud at the illustration alone! That was a great visual start to delivering your comedy poem, and set me in the mood for humour aplenty.

Simple poetry forms often work best in conveying humourous meaning, and so quatrain or couplet forms (as well as limerick) are good to use. These rhyming couplets employed here were long enough to morph into quatrains, and so were most effective. *Thumbsup*

While each couplet advances the narrative story, my favourite as to be the penultimate that offers sage advice across the species. Okay, so it wasn't the laugh-out-loud funniest moment in your poem, but is was the most profound of comic wisdom that will have folks nodding in agreement *Bigsmile*

You combine a lot of humourous tools in this poem, and all work well: observational, satirical, slapstick (loved the image of the hubby hitting the watering hole!), and conversational, via the dialogue. In fact, the only suggestion for improvement I have is in regard to your dialogue--use the same grammatical rules that apply to dialogue in prose:
She said "What do you think of my fashion underwear?
...
My first mistake was mumbling "I think it's just plain wrong!"

Introduce speech with a comma:
She said(,) "What do you think of my fashion underwear?


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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171
Review of The Honey Bucket  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* Acme's Bazaar Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


Overall impressions and suggestions

Dear Ken, the natural rhythm of your lines adds to the tone of your voice in this narrative poem of childhood hijinx. I guffawed at the image your words conjured up, and think your comic timing was excellent: you set up the scene well and delivered a picture perfect comedy climax. Normally, the punchline comes at the end, but what works well in this poem, is the fact that you use the poem to add another layer of comedy when you take a nostalgic look at the consequences. I enjoyed further comic imagery in the prolonged scrubbing that the narrator needed, and the fact that you muse on the imagined infamy that will echo through the other kids' lives.

If I had had a suggestion it would have been to add an author's note about what some of your word choices meant, but you covered that! So, this rhyming comedy poem scores 5 *Star*s across the board with me *Bigsmile* Perfect!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of Candy-Coated Eve  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* Acme's Bazaar Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


Overall impressions and suggestions
Dear Ken, I had to stop by this poem, as I was eager to see what kind of form you would create in this fun task from the Talent Pond. I was so pleased to see that you and I had gone the same way on one particular instances: the senses. We poets rely on them so much to draw our readers/listeners into our creations on an emotional level. Your 'Sensual Brook' form is a smashing one, and one that I will probably play around with myself; I do like forms that use the lines in a repetitive pattern elsewhere in the poem. The simple 8 syllable demand on the lines, and the abba end line rhyme (except for the last verse's monorhyme construction), makes this a form that others will find easy to replicate.

While all senses were addressed, I did think that one sense (touch) was not as widely represented as the others, and only found two brief allusions to it:
It is a shell to which I cleave.
into the cold embrace of Eve.
I think that if you were to widen your vocabulary from the overly familiar use of the phrase 'cold embrace' to something a bit more image-laden like, 'chilled silk grip', or similar, you might better engage your reader's imagination via that sense perception.

Aside from that one small point, this poem is a real pleasure to read. Each stanza adds to the narrator's wary tale through good attention to tone and imagery and paints a vivid landscape for the senses. The final stanza is, without a doubt, my favourite, because here your refrains solidify the whole content and meaning behind the poem, resulting in a powerful and smooth finish.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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173
173
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* Acme's Bazaar Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*



Overall impressions and suggestions
Oh, you know I like comedy, and dark humour is a personal favourite, so I had to start my first day's review here *Smile*

I've heard it said that cynicism is the vocal chord of freedom, and this poem caught my attention immediately with that smashing first line! It was strong in tone and your vocabulary gave it such an informal, conversational ring, that I instantly felt connected to the narrator's voice. Ken, as usual, you prove that many a thoughtful point can be sharper when made behind a joke. This poem is painfully observant, but at the same time, your punchline is delivered deftly--like a roundhouse kick to cupid *Laugh*

The form is simple rhyming (a-b-a-b) traditional quatrain, with good attention paid to a strong natural rhythm suited to comic delivery (any reader, poetic or not, will be able to follow it the way you intended).

I'm not as clued up as I should be on American grammatical style preference, so there may be some subtle nuances that you'll need to check for yourself. I'll advise you to the rules I was brought up with, here in good old Blighty, and if they differ from your own, please ignore them!
"Forever" and "always," "pure love from the heart,"
These aren't direct quotes from source, but are phrases that are emphasised in inverted commas. As such, they don't carry the sentence's punctuation, only their own, so the commas go outside the quotation marks in the sentence that they belong to: "Forever" and "always", "pure love from the heart",

Yes, love delivers all the things(,) we've heard,
binding two people much closer, no doubt.
But when it ends – as has often occurred (-)
both feel the pain of stitches ripped out!

It doesn't take long for life to teach(,)
and, like Pavlov's dogs, we start to avoid


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of Sweet as Candy  
Review by Acme
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
 WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum  (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann


Hey friend *Bigsmile* I thoroughly enjoyed this Rondelet poem because it was so nostalgic and intimate. Childhood never lasts, so it's great to read a poem where an adult (the narrator's voice) encourages a child to embrace it while they can. The form's required refrain was splendid, but my favourite part was the refrain you introduced to the start of lines two and six: Baby girl...

My only tiny, teeny-weeny, suggestion is one of personal taste, and as such, please feel free to ignore it. There is a period to the end of line six that I think you should remove. Doing so will make the sentence wrap around and change the delivery (in my mental ear), making it a lot smoother and complete. It would then read like this:
Baby girl, in my heart you'll stay sweet as candy.

Like I said, that's just me, and I wouldn't dream of giving this less than a perfect rating because of one pesky period!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of Translation  
Review by Acme
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
 WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum  (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann


Dear Ken, I was so surprised to read in the Rhythm & Rhyme forum that you had such a hard time with the Tyburn's form constraints, because this wonderful, thoughtful, poem is so smooth to read! I guess this must be your poetic version of the swan: all beauty, grace and ease on the surface, while paddling like billio under the water *Laugh* Seriously, I'm not offering false praise; I really like the direction you took this poem. The way you use imagery and description is almost technical--just like the lumps of wood and steel that make a carousel. The form is light, your word choice heavy, and that stark contrast fits perfectly with the content of your poem. The combination of divinity/dreams and the practical designs of man to realise them. You sum all that up in the final two lines so well (word choice like design, combine, and resulting). Lovely *Thumbsup*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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