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Dear Writer,
Waaaaaaaay, back 28th October 2011 you visited my port and requested a review via the 'notes' section. Having been away, comeback, gone away, and come back again only to find that SM and SMS have worked hard to up-date the site and provide lots of new goodies to play with, I didn't see your review request until today. So, late as it is, I'm here to honour that request with a visit. I shall, of course, return the GPs you offer for this review. Should you feel, however, that I've earned them, please forward them to RAOK (link above) who will help support writers on WDC with upgraded memberships 
Re: Your item
Thanks for the invite. I did enjoy this. I do like erotica, but even better, I like well-written erotica, and, while there are a couple edits in front of this to polish and tighten the writing, you have a strong narrative style, with delightful description and character portrayal that makes me think this rather the gem.
I particularly enjoy the way you advance character through clever description and narrative voice via 3rd person limited omnipresent POV:
The notion of two betrothed souls romantically smelted into one was often lost to the come-and-go whimsy of the lascivious city. People curled up like that all the time when the comforter ended up wadded and kicked away, as theirs was. The air-conditioned room was cold. nice 
Curio's playful (if slightly, and quite rightly, spiteful) personality in the aftermath of the hotel room scene made me warm to her roguish charm and kept me curious and sympathetic to her fate. I did rather wonder at the late-ish introduction to her as 'Curio', so much of her was Lemarie in the introduction. You may want to add the Curio intro sooner, as a foreshadowing and character development trait.
Your intro to Moses was strong, too, but could be made a bit stronger if you cut out the back story you went on to give the reader about his victim, Alvin. The murder is enough, and if you want to show that Moses's victim deserved his fate, there may be a simpler, more effective way of doing so during the action itself, rather than in a retrospective character reveal after the fact. And, as informative as it is, Ellen Prudeaux’s backstory isn't really needed here: it detracts from the immediate action, sending me back in time. If it's important, write it first, if it isn't, then cut it out. Her life path doesn't seem to have much point in the immediate story of joining your two protagonists together in their opening meeting.
It was good to see the young and vulnerable side of Curio via her conversation with Bruce in the store. This dialogue did a lot to advance plot and character, but, when you do revisit to edit, you may want to get rid of a few 'names'--folk in conversation rarely keep addressing each other by name. Also, while the odd exclamation mark is helpful, they tend to lose their impact if overused, and readers mentally start to turn them into periods to avoid characters needlessly shouting excitably at each other.
When Curio and Moses start to develop and explore their budding relationship, you manage to weave a wonderful portrait of each, via the other's eyes. Poignant insights, such as the one below, add a real depth to the characters, making them real people in glorious 3-D:
To hear her speak of her life was to hear a dissertation of random encounters that left her either pissed or happy at the time depending on the outcome. When recollected they were just anecdotes of singular days cherry-picked from years of a harsh life.
Just a few style suggestions:
This may be a tad British, but the single dash seems a little too hypheny here:
Too many times, she had crashed somewhere and ended up losing clothes piecemeal due to making a hasty exit- for one reason or another- and not taking inventory of what was hers.
Suggest either a double dash (elongated on most keyboards, but perhaps requiring two together here on WDC):
Too many times, she had crashed somewhere and ended up losing clothes piecemeal due to making a hasty exit--for one reason or another--and not taking inventory of what was hers.
Watch out, too, for repetitive vocabulary (usually an indication where a change can add a bit more punch to your writing):
Her worldly possessions amounted to piecemeal sprinklings...
Sometimes I wondered if certain information was actually necessary to develop either plot or character, or just an amusing aside:
The contents of the pack, which she had discreetly lifted from a transient who was going to jail for punching a tourist, the worst of sins to the cops in Sin City apparently, were both dwindling and growing at all times.
I like to edit for specifically for tense modifiers, as they are a sure way to tighten prose:
Her black stockings were hanging in a bunch from the gap between the box spring...
Her black stockings hung in a bunch from the gap between the box spring...
Another way to tighten your write is to widen vocab, avoid repetition and cut out superfluous words. I often go 'had' hunting. Once you've established past tense, it's rarely needed, and when you see it hanging around itself, it's usually a good indication to look for an exciting alternative, leading to that wonder of wonders, the show not tell  :
At least they had had ample weed and the bars were flooding with moist spirits that night.
example:
Still, the weed was sweet and the liquor wet.
You may also want to edit specifically for formatting and punctuation. There are a some fragmented sentences, like this one:
They took off up Decatur, she now remembered. Hit a sandwich shop to knock down his munchies, stumbled into Marie Laveaux’s to buy a gator head…she had way too many fuzzy navels somewhere along the way to ward off the staggers.
And a quick check for punctuation, never hurt:
“What’s it called that for” She inspected the letters as he pointed.
“What’s the difference? She leaned in slowly, setting a joint alight for them to share after the hotdogs were devoured.
Other superfluous words include 'just', most 'that's, and quite often a number of 'the's:
In retrospect, she should have just left and went back to the street
In retrospect, she should have left and gone back to the street
Some parts of the writing seemed a little repetitive, after the fact, dulling the immediacy of action. This did impact on story flow, in effect, making me re-read the same scene again later. If certain character reaction/thinking is necessary to your story, pop it in when the action is happening, not after the fact as what amounts to an info dump:
...Lemarie took a power nap.
And she plotted.
She would have just left the whole deteriorating scene when Jenn started to lose her manners, but she was too drunk to leave and after negotiating doses of the various uppers and smileys to maintain three straight days of clubbing all night to avoid sleeping in the street, Lemarie was practically a zombie. She needed a place to sleep. By the time she realized her legs went less than solid beneath her, the hour was too late to try to hope and pray a couch was available somewhere close by.
While it's intoxicating, I got the impression that sometimes the characters took over from the writer. In the breakfast scene at Houma, Curio has revealed a great secret and Moses begins to confide in her with the promise of 'you've shown me yours, I'll show you mine', leading me to believe he's about to share a secret of his own with her. The characters' conversation becomes so fluid, that this gets lost in their conversation and you may want to revise to ensure good flow. Sure, he eventually drops the bombshell of his career, but the bomb could go off better, and with more force, if their conversational journey to it were were more definitely directed.
Aside from all the little bits in need of an editorial eye, I stayed up way past a sensible hour to read-on. That's good storytelling. I feel like I had an early peek at a real treat. A little time polishing this diamond in the rough will, no doubt, have the same intoxicating effect on other readers. Thank you for allowing me to stumble into your port. It may have taken me a while to arrive here, but oh boy, it was worth the wait for me
Write on, that author!
Yours sincerely,
ACME |
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What is this item? 
Some suggestions for future editing 
There's a bigger story at play here that hints at oodles of possibilities for an epic action adventure story. The action is fast-paced and electric. I was aching to know what happened next!
Because there is some moderate violence and mention of torture, you should up the content rating to 13+
I loved reading it. The narrator and his father were beautifully crafted so I felt that I was witnessing the moment. The banter between them is priceless; there are so many punchlines before the actual punchline that I felt I was in the ring at a comedy boxing match. Priceless character revealing examples of this included:
