Hi 💙 Carly !
I found your poem in your portfolio and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.
FIRST REACTION:
Someone inadvertently witnesses a girl's breakup, wishing she could help her.
VOICE, TONE, DICTION:
The voice is first person, and the tone is one of sympathy. The diction is good.
SOUND PATTERNS:
There is alliteration with "stall I slip", "Moments to myself", "what walks", "words they warble", and more.
IMAGERY:
Bathroom stall, door, walls, girl, phone and floor. All varied images, nice job.
LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:
Some lines used enjambment to break them, while others were full and complete thoughts, which was a nice and balanced mixture. The meter was inconsistent, as it started off following a certain metrical scheme in the beginning but then strayed from that thereafter, so the reading became a bit rocky. There was no obvious repetition of anything.
ERRORS:
It blisters, carries, ring 'round --> It blisters, carries, rings 'round
SUGGESTIONS:
I would suggest using punctuation at the end of the lines that need it to ease in the reading of this piece. Each line doesn't need to be capitalized, unless the previous line ended in a period.
I didn't understand a few passages. For instance, "Cling and gash in anger falls" sounded awkward, especially the word "gash". The phrase "I want to say, to help her out" could be changed to "I want to speak, to help her out" to sound better. At the end, the word "demise" sounds a bit out of place and much too harsh. The events that transpired in that bathroom didn't sound like a demise to me, so rather I would call it a "disgrace", but that's just my humble suggestion.
FAVORITE LINES:
But she shouts a final roar
Then throws her phone
To rattle across the floor
(A sly rhyme slipped in there; well done!)
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
This was a heartfelt poem about a situation that unfortunately everyone has been through (a breakup), so we can all relate to it; good job on that part. The emotion was felt strongly in each line and you conveyed the hidden listener's sympathy for the girl very well, and the girl's distress as well. Overall it was a very strong read. Nicely done!
Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing!
April
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