Yes, standing in line is a PAIN! But, as you say in your poem, "there's no other way."
I usually prefer "traditional" poetry with established rhyme and rhythm, but this seems to have a kind of rhyme and rhythm of it's own.
I like it! Your poem is short and direct and it states exactly what everyone is thinking!! Maybe you could create a "companion poem" by describing what you do to help pass the time while you are standing there in line. It could be humorous or serious. Just an idea to keep the creative juices flowing!
Keep writing!
"Bella Bunny
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I bet you ARE a "wiseass", as Doodle says in your story! I love this! I love the bantering back and forth between the main character and the dollar store owner.
However, I am not sure if the Turkish man is really getting angry or not, but I really like the quick come-backs that he has for the main character's wise-guy comments.
Here are some of the lines that make me wonder if he is truly offeneded:
"We apologize for the inconvenience." he replies tersely..."
"Yeah." as he looks at me disgusted.
--A different choice of words may help the reader realize that he is only amused, not insulted.
I did notice one spelling error, probably a typo.
--"I'm just a little man in this busines world..." The word "business" needed an extra letter at the end.
There was one line that I wasn't quite sure about.
"Even the Chinese people know you're a cheap."
-- Is he a cheapo? Or should the word "a" be left out? It is possibly another simple typo.
But none of this distracts from the overall humor of the story!! I thought it was great!!
Keep up the good work and .... Write On!
"Bella Bunny"
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Today you would NOT wish you were me! Today, we are having lots of snow and sleet and freezing rain and dreadfully yucky weather! However, I can wish to be there with YOU!!
Lovely poem with great rhyme and rhythm. Wonderful descriptions of YOUR season in the southern hemisphere. *sigh* I DO wish I could be there!
Nicely done and write on!!
"Bella Bunny"
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You have a wicked sense of humor!! I love this one!
I may have played a similar prank or two myself! I can just imagine how everyone tip-toed around waiting to see when the hatchlings would arrive! Then, surprise! Just a chunk of wood!
As always, your rhyme and rhythm are nicely done and your poem tells a delightful story. It is easy to read and very easy to "picture" the events!
Hope you are having a great day. (night?) Here in the Northeast of the US, we are having quite a snowstorm. Schools and businesses are closed for the day to keep everyone off the roads and safe at home. That gives me time to do a little house work PLUS more time to visit WDC!
As always,
"Bella Bunny"
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This poem certainly does sound as if it waw written from personal experience. It sounds like a story of hopelessness mixed with survival. But you DID survive and that is the most important part of the story.
I like poems that have rhyme and rhythm and that can also tell a story. Your poem definitely fits ALL of those categories. Your rhyme pattern is excellent, with stanzas made up of two rhyming couplets. You don't have a "perfect" meter, but the poem has a good read-aloud rhythm. It flows the way a conversation flows and for this topic, it works very well.
I saw two small punctuation errors (sorry ... I used to be a teacher!) , but those can be easily fixed. The first one is in the 1st line of the 2nd stanza ... "dont" should be "don't". The second is in the 2nd line of the 3rd stanza ... "your" should be "you're".
All in all this is really nice writing! I hope you write more!
I have written a piece of poetry along the same theme about the Juvenile Court system. Take a look and let me know what you think.
I just read this as your entry into Monty's Traditional Poetry contest. You are indeed a lucky woman to have had such a wonderful man in your life.
I guess I am also one of the lucky few. My husband and I have had dreadful arguements, but we have been together for 26 years, so I guess we've made it through the worst. We've never hit or hurt each other, but we have been mad for a few days. But in the end, someone always said "I'm sorry" or something happened to make us realize how foolish we had been.
Your poetry again tells a story, which I truly enjoy. Your rhyming is excellent. Your poem does not follow a constant rhythm, i.e. the same number of syllables per lines, but that does not take away from the meaning. It is a truly meaningful poem.
I like the repetition of the "good" and "should" in the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza. It really shows the progression through life that this poem represents.
I think 106 is just about the right age for living. That gives you plenty of time to do the things you didn't have time to do when your house was full of busy people!
I truly love your poetry! It comes straight from LIFE! Write On!!
"Bella Bunny"
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Wow! This has such a sweet and lovely beginning, which leads to such a darkly twisted ending!
Your last sentence gives this story just the right amount of "chill". After watching too many horror movies, I can just envision poor Kelley's body chained to a wall in a dark corner, slumped and covered in blood. Gruesome.
Blood red valentines to say "I Love You" ......
Have a great night and continue on with your dark writing!
So clever!! I have NEVER hear it called DRUT before, but it is indeed SO mcuh nicer to say than the actual "product" itself! Did you create this word yourself??
My mom has two little "rag-mop" dogs (actually bichon's I think) and she has to go out on her own "drut patrol" on a regular basis. AND complains about it bitterly, but wouldn't dream of giving up her dogs!
Well done, well done!!
Can't wait to read more!
"Write On" !
--Bella Bunny
Losing a grandmother is a terrible experience. Writing about your grief through poetry is a wonderful outlet for your feeling and emotions. You can sometimes put in writing what you cannot say to anyone else.
Your poem does a fine job of telling the story of your grandmother's death, from the first inkling through to the final stages. Hindsight is always better than acutally knowledge of the moment and there is no way you could have guessed the outcome.
Your poem does have a rhyming pattern, with the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza. The rhythm is unstructured, but in this poem, it seems to work because the poem is a story told in short pieces.
The only major flaw I saw is the non-uniform spelling of the word "I". Sometime you made it a capital letter; other times it was not. Perhaps it would help if it could be consistantly the same throughout the poem.
This was written with emotion and love. Keep writing and hang in there.
This is a very cute poem!! It has an excellent rhyme scheme and wonderful rhythm!! It has the typical "sing-song" sound that is exhibited by most children's poetry. This makes it easy to read and very enjoyable, especially for children.
The poem tells a story, of sorts, about forgetting what day of the week it is. I am sure many kids could relate to something like this.
If this poem were set to music, this would be a great kid's song. Do you work with children or have kids of your own?
I can only see one error, which has nothing to do with the poem itself. Somehow, the words you tried to italicize in the first two stanzas, did not work out.
This is so cute!! I can just imagine a classroom full of kindergarten kids jumping and wiggling with this fun chant! Do you work with children? Have you tested it out to see how kids respond? I bet they would LOVE it!
There is a contest listed for children's poetry. If you haven't yet entered this poem, you should consider it!
Classroom teachers always need fun things like this to break up the monotony of a rainy/snowy day when the kids can't go outside. Write more and test them at your local school! Teachers will THANK you!
Just thought I would stop by and read more from your port while I had a moment or two to spare.
I really like this poem AND this idea!! Are you and KEN truly going to keep a map with locations of your WDC contacts? This is a wonderful and fun thing to try!
Regarding your poem, it again has wonderful rhyming, it has an easy-to-read rhythm and it tells a great story. However, I did notice a few spots where you forgot capital letters at the begining of lines. It looks best if you can keep it consistant through-out the whole poem, if you plan to have capital letters to start each line. (...but not a distraction to the poem, at all!)
Do you find yourself "thinking" in rhyme sometimes? Do you have difficulty trying to write a poem that does NOT rhyme? I sometimes do that -- and your poems have a bit of similarity to mine.
All in all, a fun and nicely done piece of writing!
Write On!
Ah, these are indeed lovely expressions of freedom!
The freedom to be, to do, to see, to feel, to choose and to express yourself however you wish.
The thoughts and expressions in your poem are perfect! If I could offer a suggestion, you could perhaps modify the way the poem is "laid out" or placed on the page, to make more of an impact. Also, I am one of those people who feels a need for punctuation, since I used to be a teacher, so the lack of puntuation at the ends of your lines is a distraction to me.
Anyway, what if you tried something like this:
******************************************
Freedom
To paint what you feel and not what you see ...
To think, to learn, to grow ...
To believe in something, anything ...
To dance and ache with the pain of tired muscles ...
To cry until the sponge of your heart is dried out ...
It is loving every wrinkle, dimple or fold of your being.
It is seeing and hearing the beauty of His grace.
It is feeeling, touching and smelling.
Most importantly, it is loving and being loved in return.
******************************************
I have grouped your poem into two stanzas. The lines of the first stanza begins with stative verbs - "to think, to paint, to believe..." The lines in the second stanza are all complete sentences that give a description of freedom. This seems to make more of a statement somehow.
However, this is YOUR poem and it is indeed lovely! If you choose to change it, feel free to use my suggestions - or leave it just the way it is!
I simply LOVE your poetry! This one tells a humorous story of everyday life. As I am reading this, I can picture the people in my mind's eye and just imagine the events as they unfold.
Again, the rhyme and rhythm are well done. I really like the idea of rhyming couplets within a 4-line stanza. When reading the poem aloud, the rhythm flows well. It is just delightful!!
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Write On!
This truly IS a story worth telling!! I love the idea that not only is the birthmark carried forward in the family line, but it is also a gift to Liam from the grandma he will never know.
Your poetry has good rhythm and rhyme. It flows nicely and is very easy to read. Plus, it tells a lovely story!
This is an interesting poll. I chose the first category because it was closer to my belief than the second one. However, I think you need to add one more category for other people who may be like me.
I DO believe, but I guess I am not a zealous Christian. I wouldn't scream out "My Lord and my God!' because that just isn't me and it just doesn't represent how I worship.
Your second choice "Do I know you from somewhere?" looks as though it is for someone who once believed but hasn't even thought about Jesus in awhile.
Perhaps something like: Hesitantly approach and quietly say, "I am so glad to see You! Can You stay for awhile?"
I would vote for that choice and I bet a lot of others would too.
Nonetheless, an intriguing choice for creating a poll.
Have a great day!
"Bella Bunny"
You have chosen an interesting 3-line stanza as the format for your poem. You have used it in a way that works very nicely.
I like the way you combine two stanzas to make a 6-line rhyme pattern of a-a-b-c-c-b.
Most of your rhymes are perfect, with one exception. In the 4th stanza, the words "bidding" and "fibbing" do not rhyme. Perhaps if you used the word "kidding" instead of "fibbing"? It would not change the meaning of the line and would give you a perfect rhyme pattern.
The one thing that distracts from your poem (in my humble opinion) is the meter. There just doesn't seem to be any flow or rhythm. Each line seems to have a totally different syllable count. What if you tried something like this:
My stumbling course,
In the form of a horse,
Is determined by the being.
A creature so queer
That you wouldn’t go near,
Though it really is worth seeing.
Now you have a balance rhythm within the two matching stanzas. The first line in each stanza has 5 syllables, the 2nd line in each has 6 syllables and the 3rd line in each has 8 syllables. Read it aloud and you will "feel" the rhythm. If you like this idea, you may indeed use it and then try to form your other stanzas around a similar syllable count.
This is indeed a humorous poem regarding how a horse looks at people. Clever idea! With a little bit of work, you can turn it into a terrific piece of poetry.
This is a lovely tribute to a green-eyed lady. I hope she knows how much to love to look into her eyes!
*** ***
I am usually not a fan of poetry that doesn't have rhyme or rhythm, but this does seem to have a subtle rhyme within. In your first stanza, I found the rhymes - glance, trance, romance, chance. The meter of the poem is unique, more like free verse, I suppose.
In the second stanza, you seem to start a rhyme pattern with miles and isles in the first 4 lines, but then it disappears. I kept looking for more lines, perhaps about your beloved's smiles or her seductive wiles.
The last 4 lines of the second stanza go with a new rhyme pattern, but it is important because it continues with the topic from the first stanza (the glance) and wraps up the title, lost in your Eyes.
If I may make a suggestion, perhaps you could have two stanzas of 8 lines each and a third and final stanza of only 4 lines.
** Keep your original first stanza.
** Keep the first 4 lines of the second stanza and add 4 new ones that continue with the rhyme pattern.
** Let your final stanza be the last 4 lines.
---Something like this??
Riding with the winds,
that was enough for me; just a quiet glance.
I overshot the turning,
Lost myself, in a hypnotic trance.
I had a feeling,
something heavenly, way different from earthly romance.
Quench my thirst,
Let me lose myself; just one more chance.
I don’t understand
those eyes, followed my thoughts for miles.
They still do.
Green and lasting, sailing me to the blessed isles.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Beyond everything,
Pure and rising, they take me to the heights above skies.
Dream in my dreams; let it come true;
that I am forever lost in your Eyes.
Of course, this is your unique work and this is only my personal suggestion. Feel free to use my idea or discard it as you wish.
All in all, a delightful love poem.
Keep up the good work.
"Write On!"
You can tell your daughter that you did a fine job of describing to us how difficult it must be for her.
This poem does an excellent job at giving the reader the feelings of a young soldier on guard duty.
Our young men and women in service to their country. Scared to death, but tough as nails.
I like the rhyming couplets that you used for your poem. Most of your rhymes are perfect and the few that aren't have similar vowel sounds, so they are close enough.
The rhythm of your poem seems loosely based on a 14 syllable meter per line. Some lines are over, some are under, but it wouldn't take much to pull the rhythm together. Here is an example:
Your lines --
Today the gates were fortified, first time since I've been here.
The razor wire and barricades help to justify my fear.
Half the city went dark last night and now it's dark again.
And I can feel the cold of war, slowly creeping in.
Suggestion:
Today the gates were fortified, first time since I've been here.
The razor wire and barricades help justify my fear.
Half the city went dark last night and now it's dark again.
And I can feel the cold of war; it's slowly creeping in.
Can you feel the difference in the rhythm? Of course, this is only a suggestion! Your poem is terrific just the way it is!
Actually, your words would make great lyrics for a song. Perhaps you can find someone to set it to music. You could share it with your daughter as a tribute to her sacrifices and service to her country.
This poem has a nice sing-song rhythm and has good rhymes. However, I think it would be much easier to see and to read if you put it in a "traditional" poem format.
**Your poem:
Love is still a special thing. It still makes you laugh and dance and sing.In love There's never ever war, it is something you'll adore. Love will bring lots of cheer and it will make people near If love is really what you want, then love is what you'll get cause there's someone in this world who is waiting yet; love is such a great thing it makes the world at peace.
**My suggestion:
Love is still a special thing.
It still makes you laugh and dance and sing.
In love there's never ever war,
It is something you'll adore.
Love will bring lots of cheer
And it will make people near.
If love is really what you want,
Then love is what you'll get
'Cause there's someone in this world
Who is waiting yet.
love is such a great thing;
It makes the world at peace.
I like this! .... and I know exactly how you feel!
Sometimes I will wake up with words and phrases rattling around in my brain and they demand to be recognized and written down.
Other times, I may be in the shower or driving or in some other place where it is difficult to find a pencil and paper.
If I can offer a suggestion for your poem, I think it would be easier to read if you had the rhyming words at the ends of the lines instead of within the line. You did it in the first stanza amd you continued in the first 2 lines of the second stanza, but then you lost the pattern.
For example, in the third stanza you have:
What this soul now has to do is
write down these words for you.
Taking pen and pad in hand I will
write as they demand.
What about like this:
What this soul now has to do
Is write down these words for you.
Taking pen and pad in hand
I will write as they demand.
You can HEAR the rhyme when the poem is read aloud, but visually, you can't see it. Again, this is just a suggestion and you can use it or ignore it as you wish. Overall, this is a really nice bit of writing!
I have a poem very similar to this that you might enjoy reading.
Noisy Words (E) Simple poem with rhyme and rhythm that explains one poet's inspiration for writing. #1140077 by Bella Bunny
I have always been intrigued by the Native Americans, especially since I have a small bit of their blood in my veins. I enjoy reading anything about or by the "People".
This is an interesting piece of writing and it is filled with a lot of information. You must have done a lot of research on this topic.
I enjoyed reading this, but I had difficulty with some of your writing style. You have MANY paragraphs, based on the places where your writing is indented, but quite a few of those paragraphs only have one or two sentences. Was that your intent? A paragraph usually needs at least 3 sentences and even that would be considered short. Would it be easier to share your information with the reader if you put it into bullet form?
I realize this is an editorial, which is an expression of your personal opinion, but your story line seems to ramble back and forth along a timeline. You start out with invaders coming ashore, waging war and killing Native Americans. Then you tell about the native people crossing a land bridge to come to North America. Then you jump to England, France and Spain claiming the land. It would be easier for the reader if you could present your information in chronological order.
I also noticed a few places where your sentences did not make sense to me. Perhaps you overlooked them when you proofread your work, or perhaps I am just not understanding the meaning.
Here is one example:
"As the white people moved westward in covered wagons and by horseback before they warred against them for decades."
--Somehow, this just doesn't make sense or seem complete to me.
Here is another example of an awkward sentence:
"While there many died of “white man’s diseases” and were killed."
--It just seems awkward to say they both died and were killed by diseases. One or the other would be sufficient.
There are a few other sentences that ramble or are awkwardly written, but perhaps if you have time to proofread your work, you will be able to find them.
I also saw an incorrectly used word, but it could easily have been a typo. In this sentence:
"They still fill the sting of prejudice and discrimination by many Americans."
--The word should be "feel" instead of "fill".
I agree that Native Americans have been treated unfairly by our government and have been the victims of racial insults. Unfortunately, your last sentence does not do justice to the topic you are trying to promote. You use the phrase "non-Indian Americans" instead of using a more correct form, such as "non-Native Americans". I am sure this was unintentional, but it does not help the strength of your editorial.
I hope my suggestions are helpful to you. Please remember that these are ONLY suggestions and you may disregard them as you see fit.
I wish you much success in your continued writings.
"Bella Bunny"
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