I like this! Nice rhyme, easy rhythm. Unfortunate story being told, but very easy to follow and understand. *sigh* .... and a true one in many cases, no doubt.
You could almost use this poem as a "starting point" for a wonderful short story.
Interesting story and nicely written. I guess I never realized that coffee would be so difficult to acquire in different countries.
Wouldn't strong black tea give you the same caffeine kick that a good cup of coffee could provide? Or is it the smell and flavor of coffee that you crave more than the kick?
I have not traveled to any Asian countries, but went to England for a few weeks and discovered a similar problem. Even on the plane (British Air), the coffee was lukewarm watery instant coffee. However, the tea was piping hot and very flavorful. (After having only one cup of coffee on the 6 hour flight, I switched over to tea!) While in London, we found coffee at Starbucks plus a couple of other places. It was relatively easy to find decent coffee in the city, but elsewhere in the countryside, the coffee was horrible, if you could even find it at all. The things Westerners will do in the name of the Great Bean!
Anyway, this is an interesting story that should easily be an article in a 'zine about caffeine!
I usually prefer traditional poetry that rhymes, but I also like poems about young love. That's why I decided to take a look at your writing.
Free verse is hard to critique, since there is no need for a rhyme scheme or a thythm pattern. However, you do need to be aware of spelling and grammar, unless something is written purposefully wrong as part of the poem. Your poem shows love and feeling, but you need to check the mechanics in your writing.
Look at your first line, "When were together I feel a warmness that last forever."
--The word "were" should be the contraction for "we are" - you left out the apostrophe, which changes the word. It should be "we're".
--You also need to have noun/verb agreement so that the line makes sense. For this, you need to change the word "last" by adding the letter "s" to make "lasts".
Now look at your next line, "when were together you bring out the essence inside of me."
--You again need to correct "were" by changing it to "we're".
--Also, in poetry, it is up to you whether or not to use capital letters at the beginning of each line, but you need to be consistant. Every other line has a capital letter, so this one should, too.
In the 3rd line, again change "were" to "we're".
In the 4th line, no errors. Nice rhyme with "you" and "true"!
Look at your 5th line, "Together with you I am free it took awhile for me to see that we belonged together."
--This is a difficult line to read because you have two thoughts together without any punctuation to show a pause. After the word "free", you need a period or at least a semicolon.
--As two sentences, it still makes a good stanza and I like the imbedded rhymes with "free", "me" and "see".
You last line needs some kind of punctuation to separate your past, present and future love.
Overall, I truly like the emotion and feeling that comes through your poem. If you work on the "mechanical" part of your writing, you can do great work!
This is WONDERFUL!!! And... as your title says, it is NOT your average cup of coffee!
I love the name of your critter, the Sidehill Wampus Cat. I grew up in the mountains of West Virginia and the old timers used to tell us stories about the special breed of cows they had, with legs shorter on one side that the other, that were created especially for West Virginia mountain pastures.
This should CERTAINLY go into any collection of coffee stories. The only thing I would worry about is whether or not Starbucks will create a problem because you used THEIR name as the place to find this exotic variety of coffee. My only suggestion would be to change the name to protect the .... innocent.
Well Done!!
Check out my entry into the "Coffee" contest. It is a funny poem titled "Ode to Coffee". You can find it in my portfolio or in with the other entries.
This is SO funny!!!! I can just imagine what they looked like and what YOU looked like when you saw them!!
Great visualization!! This is one of those stories you should send to Reader's Digest for "Life in These United States" or even "Humour in Uniform" since you had to move for military reasons. Might be worth a few bucks!!
(Again, the ex-school teacher saw a few errors, but the overall story is wonderful!!!)
This is a very emotional piece of writing. Even though you are writing it as a poem, it tells a story that is easily understood and direct.
You have a good rhyme pattern and you follow it fairly well. Only in a couple of places is the rhyme not quite perfect.
You also have a fairly good rhythm going. If you can get each line to have the same number of beats or syllables, it comes out sounding more complete. Only in a couple of places is the rhythm not quite there. With a bit of work, this could be an extraordinary poem.
For me, it was distracting to have the lines separated the way they are, without having them divided into stanzas. That is just my own perspective.
The topic of this poem is very important to many people at this point in time. Everyone knows someone who is in the military and we all worry about the safety of the young men and women in the Armed Forces.
All in all, this is a wonderful effort.
Write On!
--"Bella Bunny"
This piece of writing has potential. It gives a unique look at a topic that many people can understand. Life has problems!
I usually prefer "traditional" poetry that has rhyme and rhythm, but this was intriguing.
You seemed to want a rhyme scheme, with your words "lies" and "eyes" in the first part of your poem. What if you arranged the beginning of your poem a little differently, like this:
Life is a circle of problems,
A concoction of merciless lies.
A small child could drown in a pool of tears
Bestowed by people's puffy eyes.
See how it now has a rhythm, a flow? Of course,this is just a suggestion. You may prefer the free verse form. Or your poem could be a combination of traditional and free verse.
I noticed two misspelled words. In the phrase "people cry to much", you should use the word "too". Also, the word "impressionests" is spelled incorrectly. Using capital letters and some punctuation would also be helpful.
Work on this a bit and I feel sure it will be terrific. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Your imagery is good, but I would really like to see more. I can visualize this poor woman, but a few more lines of description could give her depth.
This seems to be more prose than poetry. You could take this idea and develop it into an essay about the hardships of life. You could use it as a point for a "flashback" to tell bits about your grandmother's life. It is like a tiny peek into a world of possibilites in writing.
You don't use any punctuation in your writing. Perhaps this is the effect you wanted for this piece. I did not see any errors in spelling or grammar.
A unique piece of writing! I look forward to seeing more. "Write on"!
--"Bella Bunny"
I was actually singing it in my head as I was reading the words!
If my memory of the song serves me correctly, there are a few places where you could have added a word or two to match the rhythm of the music.
For exammple:
"this site will make an author of you" -your words.
--this site will make an author "out" of you
-- (I added the word "out")
This is sooo funny!! I enjoy humorous poetry and I prefer traditional poetry. You have combined them both in a wonderful way!
Your poem is almost written like a set of limericks. In the last stanza, if you combined the first two lines into one longer line, you would have 3 sets of 5-line stanzas, which would give the poem more of a limerick pattern.
I did not see any errors in spelling, grammar, puntuation or capitalization. I love the topic and your use of language. It adds to the humor!
If I can make a few suggestions:
The third line in the first stanza - I think it needs an extra syllable to make the words flow more easily when read. What about "blue jeans are tough"? Just add the word blue.
In the second stanza, I LOVE the "ahem, back pocket", but I think the last line of that stanza should have rhymed with grass, instead of repeating the word pocket. "Through the holes, I do lose change, alas" ... or something like that.
My suggestion for the third stanza was the combination of the first two lines into one, as explained above.
All in all, this was a terrific poem with lots of smiles! Keep up with the great ideas and "write on"!
--Bella Bunny
The story line is perfect! I can just imagine a younger brother bugging you, but then becoming "hooked" on the features of Writing.com. And indeed there are many things that would be appealing to both young and old on this site.
I chuckled over the part where Dad thinks you are looking at porn! It is true that time flies by too quickly when you are on this site. (...and I agree that there is just something wrong about putting "porn" in the same sentence with Writing.com.)
All in all, this was fun to read and very nicely done!
Keep up the good work and "write on"!
--Bella Bunny
I like this piece of work. The stanzas are short and simple, yet the words convey a lot of thought.
I usually prefer to read "traditional" poetry that has a rhyme and rhythm. When I first looked at your work, I thought it has a rhyme pattern when I saw the words "life" and "strife" in the 1st and 2nd stanzas.
What if your tried something like this:
Let it go.
All your views and,
Your duties of life;
Free yourself.
Say goodbye
To the burdens
And the strife.
Be yourself.
This suggestion gives 4 lines to each stanza, plus it gives you a rhyme in the 3rd line of each and and a repeated word for emphasis in the 4th line.
(Feel free to use any or none or my suggestion.)
With a little thought, you could probably continue this pattern through your poem, if you like the idea.
Your poem sounds like it could also be lyrics for a song. Do you play an intrument? If not, find a friend to help create a melody for your words. I bet it would be great.
I like the purpose of your poem. You found unique words to tell people to "stop and smell the flowers". All too often, people get caught up in the daily rush of school and work and forget to just appreciate and enjoy their surroundings.
Good work, especially for a new writer. Welcome to Writing.com and keep up the good work.
This piece of writing has a surreal, floating rhythm to the words. All the images are unconnected, floating and fleeting. It definitely feels like a dream.
It lacks capital letters and punctuation in appropriate places, but that may be part of the effect you are trying to create.
I usually prefer to read traditional poetry, so this form is a bit difficult for me.
The images that are created by your poem are beautiful. My imagination is seeing "birds of soft colored fire" and "ancient giants". The idea of writing about dreaming of sleep is intriguing. If you could somehow make the images and the thoughts of this poem a little more connected, I think it would be an excellent piece of writing.
Keep your imagination generating new ideas and write on!
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