Hi Destiny
This story popped up in the "Read and Review" section, so thought I'd give it a look.
Great opening line... drew me in since ice skating is a subject I know nothing about.
I think it's a good first chapter. It grabs the reader's attention enough that they will want to keep reading.
Just in the first few lines though, I found places that need your attention:
"lost in thought while skating and closed my eyes and help my arms out at my sides." I think you meant "held" not help. Maybe ditch one of the "ands" in this line?
"Suddenly something was thrown in front of my skates and I was thrown forward. I handed hard and painfully. Perhaps replace one "thrown" with a similar word? "handed" —landed?
Some are typos, some lines just need smoothed out with re-wording, etc. I noticed these and other mistakes sprinkled throughout the whole work. My suggestion is to do a careful re-read to look mistakes. This whole work could use some serious attention to spelling and punctuation before you put it out for the public eye.
The story is intriguing. I hope you continue writing it.
I like this little story of yours. The turn at the end is good.
I think it's a nice idea that the mystery surrounding John and why he had been laying low is never revealed. It keeps the reader guessing.
But perhaps the mystery of how the gal knew John would be at this particular party might be nice to know. Is it the company party? A random public place? I wouldn't dwell on it too much just a small indication.
I think it might be kind of fun to have her be good looking and him fantasize about kissing her at midnight and be really excited when she walks over to him. Kind of build it up so he can crash down a little harder at the end.
I enjoyed reading your story, thank you for sharing.
Haha, now that is quite an ending. How clever to make the original fairytale we all grew up with, be the made up version to protect the angels' identity, while your new version of the tale becomes the original story.
My favorite part (although there is much to like throughout) is the first two lines. I'd never thought about all of those characters actually living in the sane forest. I love it. That right there is inspiration for many new fairy tales to come. It's so fun to see the changes people create for this contest. Thanks for sharing yours.
I just wanted to tell you I think this poem is about as perfect an entry for this prompt as any poem could ever be. There is nothing I could critique so just praising. I enjoy reading your wonderful writing around the site. You are one talented WDC-er. Good job and thanks for sharing your talent.
Oh how I LOVE this!!! You nailed the prompt and well done with the form.
The beginning and ending words are perfect examples of the feelings of the time, and using caps set the mood right off the bat. Loved the line, "You shaped the noise!"
I'm not sure I like the bolded font, it was almost too much of a "in your face" feeling for me, if you know what I mean. But it did kind of personify the poem, somewhat, with a feeling like it was shouting at me ... like loud music.
For such a small poem, you said a lot and your point came across loud and clear.
This little storm popped up in the "read and review" option. I love a good storm at night and a good poem about one as well. I quite like this so thought I'd send you my thoughts. No, I actually LOVE this poem. Well done.
The bolded sounds (onomatopoeia) works really well in bringing the storm to life.
You know what would be cool to see is more formatting. In the first stanza you could add more formatting to have it resemble lightening. In the second, a raindrop. Maybe some windblown words across the lines in the third stanza? You get my drift, I'm sure and you're probably thinking "easier said than done". I agree. But it WOULD be cool to experiment with someday when you're bored!
Glad to have stumbled across this. Thanks for sharing.
Hi there Strange Brain,
I was surfing around for something to review and thought I'd go look at some poems from peeps in my favorites list. So found you and perused your port a bit. Discovered this little tidbit and liked the simplicity of style mixed the complexity of contrasts.
Some might think there are big differences between the extremes, but if one were to take out all the grey area ... it is, in fact, a fine line between black and white.
As I read this little poem of yours, I couldn't help but think how cool it might be to somehow format it to show a "fine line" between the contrasts. A single straight line right down the middle of the words. I don't know though. That might involve cutting out the word "and". Not really sure how that would affect the poem as a whole. Might be something fun to experiment with.
Because of the presence of the first bolded line, I almost feel like the poem may have ended up unbalanced? Does that make sense? Maybe I was expecting an explanation? Not sure if it really needs an explanation. Maybe just a quirkier last line?
Anyway... enjoyed thinking about all the unsaid differences found in that "fine line" between each contrast.
Just stopping by to say "Fantastic job on this article!" Not much to review on such a well-researched and nicely written piece such as this, but I did want you to know I acknowledge and appreciate your good advice.
I've read some of your work around the contest forums and am very impressed with what I see. It's easy to tell this advice comes from someone who is knowledgeable in the craft of writing, which makes it a no brainer to pay attention. This article will be in my favorites to refer back to as I get more brave about reviewing.
Saw this come across the newsfeed so had a peek.
I've read a lot of your wonderful writing over the years, but not sure I've ever read your poetry before.
This is loaded with great imagery, but wondering if maybe more action/or information might add to its enjoyment? Is the "lone figure" the Queen or a stranger? I wasn't quite sure. Is this a ritual ... a nightly thing? Is she calling the dead for a purpose? What happens next after she screams?
Just a few suggestions:
Some phrases in the beginning, you might think about saying in a different way: "... in darkened ruin", "... in shades of black", "... in shadows deep" They are all so similar in sound and so close together.
Also you may want to think about reordering these lines:
A lone figure moves in shadows deep
a starving rat bolts from its lair,
scurrying among the littered heap
with waxen skin and raven hair.
to something like this maybe? (As is, it seems like the waxen skin and raven hair belong to either the heap or the rat):
A lone figure moves in shadows deep
with waxen skin and raven hair.
Scurrying among the littered heap,
a starving rat bolts from its lair.
Anyway ... I love reading your writing. Thanks for sharing.
Awww. This is a cute, creative expression to the prompt, "Where did everybody go?"
I'm guessing this is a dog's inner dialogue? I wonder if something could be mentioned that would make the species stand out more? The sock is a good clue, but I think a slipper may be more common to a dog. (maybe that's too cliche'?) or maybe he's feeling insecure about a hole he dug in the back yard?
Nicely expressed! I like your interpretation of the visual prompt and how your words, real and believable, touched me.
I have to say, without realizing you included a link to the prompt, I did a search of "Albedo" and came up with this: https://denverpublicart.org/public-arts/albedo/
When I saw it, I thought to myself, wow! Just so you know even when I looked at the correct one, I thought, wow!
Hi Kat,
Finally found time to reread this heart breaking piece. Well told, but damn sad!
I hate the racial unfairness displayed in this country. I just can't wrap my brain around it. Color being an important factor in humans?? That's just plain ridiculous! But, as long as black and/or white stay a part of vocabularies and in minds, it will never change. A very sad situation for humanity.
I like the aabb rhyme scheme. One of my favorites to read in poetry. Smoothing out the rhythm of some of your lines with the use of alternative words and omission of small unneeded ones could increase the flow of your poem overall, but of course you know, that's my style preference, perhaps not yours.
Hi Winchester,
I read your story in the Writer's Cramp and wanted to let you know enjoyed it. Your writing skills are well polished which makes for rewarding reading. (pretty sure I've read you before but it's been a while)
The predicament your character finds himself is an all too-real situation of many elderly people I've known... the falling down part, and also the cynical attitude toward the younger generation. I like how you handled it. Maybe Gramps will get a new attitude toward his grandson, but I won't hold my breath.
Just one tiny suggestion and believe me it's tiny.
In the second paragraph you might describe the fact Grandpa is actually trying to get up off the floor
I needed that picture to go along with his struggling. (But that might just me.)
I just want you to know that with this poem, you succeeded in grabbing my attention. It brought my mind to an awareness it had not been before, it jabbed me in the heart making me feel sad for you and also proud of you. Very touching words indeed. Well done.
The title is perfect. I think I'd like to see the poem start out with one single line like you did, but with just a general statement. Not specific. "One day I left" ... and then go on from there to explain.
With a poem of this nature, there is no way I would want to change anything about its content. You have written from your heart and that can't be critiqued. It touched me like nothing I've read in a long while.
In the last stanza, you write:
"I left the man I was meant to be
something less
as I became
something
more."
I'd like to think that from all of your actions and sacrifices, you indeed became the man you were meant to be. Perhaps consider:
"I left the man I began to be,
something less,
as I became
something
more."
Thank you...
... and for your heartfelt words too.
Hi Arakun,
What a beautiful poem you have here! I love the imagery and the simplicity... a perfect combination, in my opinion. Even though I am not a fan of winter, you've made me see the beauty of a snowy winter night, but also you give me hope for spring with the lines :
Sighing in their sleep, the trees
Remember April's gentle breeze.
Tulips snuggle in their beds
With dreams of sunlight in their heads.
Thank you for that.
I like how you personify the trees and tulips too. A very nice touch that any child can take with them to dream land.
Wow, Robin
This has such truth to it that it is actually quite scary. Probably because we've all been there (at least I have), like you say, to that private space within us where we tend to lock ourselves up with sometimes shocking thoughts. And there we battle with our conscience.
Your first stanza, in italics, grabs your reader and drags him in immediately, then the unwavering rhythm and rhymes of your well worded poem captures and holds him until the very end. There isn't anything I don't like about this poem. Very nicely done.
"I’ll snake right in,
Crawl in your skin -" creepy.
Hi greeneyed_girl,
I love the idea behind your poem. For the most part you've painted the scene well.... a lone willow stands in a field while above a storm has darkened the sky. Now, raindrops create the illusion that the tree is weeping.
I would recommend shorter lines for your poem since it is quite short.... the visual effect of shorter lines on a short poem seems more appealing to the eye. (for me anyway)
Perhaps like this:
Standing all alone in a field
Its branches sway in mourning
as they look for the sun
the clouds have hidden in stormy darkness (I thought it sounded better without "the" before stormy)
Raindrops pound mercilessly on the bark
sliding down the creases like tears (check your spelling of creases)
Stands this willow weeping without a sound. (I feel this line could use more impact...stands doesn't seem to fit)
Maybe something like this:
Bent, this willow weeps without a sound.
(this shows[/i} the reader a picture of sadness... as if the tree is hunched over weeping
ahhhhhh.....
Those are some nice dreams!
"of memories not made"
wow.... Now those words really make me want to daydream about the possibilities. Great idea to put that line at the first... it really grabbed this reader.
Of all the dreams you listed, I like that dream and the last one, "time forever suspended", the best. The last stanza is such a perfect ending, I think, because with it, I felt the reality of what dreams really are, just dreams. Such a wistfull feeling. Wouldn't it be nice to have that last dream be a reality?
Macavity,
I quite liked this little piece. I think you might have a tiny soft spot for poetry that you should let show more often.
I like the rhyme and rhythm; not perfect, but it works for this reader. The message you've sent is a good one!
I hope you try more poetry in the future. It can be addictive.
Best wishes,
Sandy aka Blüeyez
Hi Taximay,
This is a very visual poem. I enjoyed the pictures my mind painted as I was reading it.
I have just one little thing to mention... and that is, in the first line you say the wind breathes in the trees, but then in lines three and four you mention green lungs (which I love) and that brings to mind the trees breathing not the wind. So my suggestion is maybe:
When I was young the trees would breathe
outside my window all summer long.
Those green lungs, expanding,
turning the wind forever.
just a thought....
All in all I very much enjoyed this!
Sandy aka Blüeyez
drievisjes,
I very much like this poem. I agree that "sea of wheat" is a little cliche', but you could keep the image of the wheat field being like a sea by just changing a few words.
For instance:
Trees without a cause
gather along the road
and watch
the rippling golden wheat
drown
a solitary
tree
you still get the idea of a sea without saying it. Just a thought
Also.... if there is any way possible you could bring us this image without having to explain it first, you'd have a fantastic poem. Give it some serious thought but keep this poem's simplicity if you can.... that's what I love about it.
Hi turtlemoon,
This is very nicely put! I like the thought of being able to have a common place for love to be together even when it's apart, (aside from hearts), something you can actually lay eyes on. The moon is perfect.
I can't think of anything you could do to improve on this unless it would be to replace "souls" with something else just because that particular word is not a favorite of mine. (just my personal taste is all) I thought of "longings" or something similar instead.
I love the simplicity of this. The no capital letters is perfect for it. Good Job.
Hi Sabrina,
This is a sighing kind of poem. It make one want to sigh for the romantic tone you've created with it.
I see a few little gramatical errors that you might want to take another look at.
In stanza 1, lines 4 and 5, I think you may want to reword so that you don't have two gerunds. Perhaps "I wave" or "I hope" in place of one of them.
I like stanza 2, nice romantic wish.
Stanza 3, line 4 seems so out of place. "Energy" and "applied" seem so technical compared to the romantic tone you've been using so far.
In stanza 4, line 1, I think it would make better sense if you wrote, "I'm like the sun" rather than "I am the sun" for later on it sounds as if the sun is merely the sun, not the author.
Also in stanza 4 line 3, I think you mean to use "past" not "passed", if you are talking about an earlier time.
Other than those few little things, I found this to be quite an ejoyable poem. Keep tinkering.
ahhhh Leta,
any man should be so honored to recieve a poem like this. It's easy to tell your words are straight from your heart.
I have some thoughts on tightening this up, I hope you don't mind. Please remember these are only my thoughts... take them or leave them.
Omit "is like" in line 2, stanza 1
I wonder if you could find a more interesting and unique way to say "heighten" in line 4?
Add an "e" in defenseless in line 6.
Omit "the sound of" in line 1, stanza 2
The last three lines are a bit reduntant so maybe rearrange, take away and/or rebuild some of these lines for new meaning.
Omit "the water" in line 1 stanza 3
In line 2 perhaps change "power" to something else, as power and silk in the next line are opposites. Omit touch in line 4. Omit "liquid". Silk seems softer standing alone.
Also adding a few gerunds here and there may smooth the overall flow. I hope I didn't overstep... take a look:
You conjure raw emotion
The thought of you, a potion
That seeps into my pores
Heightens my senses
Intoxicates my soul
Leaving me defensless
You invoke my desire
Your voice ignites a fire
That licks my flesh
(Consumes me with flames
Burns out of control
And sets me ablaze)
I want to drink from your lips
To summon up your fingertips
That caress like silk
My inner being,
Stirring my passion
They awaken me.
I hope you will write more poetry... it really is contagious once you get the bug going again.
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