This poem of yours popped up on the Read and Review page. Great job with the description! It sounds like you've captured the essence of a cold hearted, self-serving, egotistical man.
I think it's more of a snippet of a poem though. To me, it feels like it needs filled out a bit more, like who is "he"? and why are you talking about him? Even just a one line explanation at the beginning of the poem would help... such as "Never fall for a cold-hearted man." Just my thought.
Oh, Anthony,
What wonderful words you have written here. So inspirational and evocative.
I believe that crying is so, so good for the soul, so cleansing. No doubt you will know some day, as will we all, what this thing called life is all about and what God has in store for us all.
I found this fun poem on the random Read and review page. I love it. I have lawn envy too, but astro-turf? No thanks! And since the lawn is my job, I have come to grips that it's never going to look perfect unless it's completely torn out and redone. I don't want it bad enough for that kind of expense. Oh well.
It's a great poem as is, but if you want rhythmic perfection, here's a line you might consider rearranging:
"So I snuck out one summer night" to
So out I snuck, one summer night...
"snuck" is a naturally stressed word, so even though the way you have it, it can be read with being unstressed, but, as in the example I gave, in making it stressed it's more natural. Now the word "I" on the other hand, can be stressed or unstressed. It's such a nit-pic though, feel free to ignore me. haha
I found this lovely little poem of yours on the random Read and Review page. It's always a treat to find something a little different from the average poem such as this one filled with alliteration. Love the first line, it brings so much to my mind. And the last four lines are a perfect finish.
It's not quite a tongue twister but darn near. I think I preferred the lines where the extra sounds were tossed throughout, such as those last four. For me, they seemed to roll off the tongue better.
I see this is an older poem, so maybe you aren't looking to make changes. But if you are, then something you might consider would be to make two sentences out of one to make it easier for your readers to digest.
"I can’t show you anything But the truth" So true!
Hi Anni,
I like this fun poem written with the POV of a mirror. Seeing the world from a mirror's perspective would definitely tell things exactly how they are. No hiding.
Loads of subtle humor which I like.
If only we would give the mirror our own eyes, then see what it sees ... I wonder would we still only see what we want to see?
Sometimes I wonder why I look slimmer in some mirrors and chubbier in others. Is it because I only want to see the good at times and am more critical at other times? Or maybe some mirrored glass has flaws, cut at weird angles, you know like in carnivals? Maybe the more expensive the mirror the better it lets you look? HaHa Enough reflecting ...
I've come back to explore your port and have found another gem. What a terrific poem, so poignant. Those first two lines ... WOW.
Love the baby-related words ... blue, powdery. I'm not certain I'd pick up on exactly what this poem is about without its description. Loss, definitely, but of a child... maybe not.
Still, this is beautifully descriptive. Your metaphors hit "loss" right on.
I don't really "get" the mention of animal in the middle, but that's probably me just being dense.
The last part of the poem from-
"The lake and I
are almost invisible, starless."
to the ending-
"I see
beneath the surface,
see the woman veiled in black. How she
resembles me,
floating beneath the weight of water."
Oh my goodness, how sad. But great way to end it!
You might consider not starting that third to the last line with "see" since you already have "I see" above.
First of all... OH MY WORD! This is a fantastic piece of writing. It's so imaginative, so descriptive, so beautiful, I can't even describe. I'm so glad it popped up on the random read and review page.
My first impression before I even read it, was your story is very well presented on the page. I think it must be the bolded title, with author's name and introduction in a different font/color/size that makes it look so professional.
The whole story is so sweet. Hard to pick out my favorite parts. I love it all.
"...the only rosy thing about her was her silent mouth, sometimes budding a smile."
This is just beautiful!
"The worms squished and swelled, leaking their cool dreams into my brain."
Oh my goodness, how this made me smile.
I hope you get this published ASAP.
It needs to be read often.
Thank you for sharing your talent.
One question... sheers or shears? With the nature of the story, I suppose it could be either.
I saw this poem on the writer's Cramp and thought it was beautifully written. The form and theme seem to meld so seamlessly, adding to the beauty overall.
Light against dark
New beginnings bring hope, along with a future we cannot see. Gives one something to ponder.
Definitely, this deserved to win.
Thank you for sharing your talent.
Your sentiment in this is beautiful. I love to feel the sun shine on me, it never fails to generate a feeling of being alive ... of being recharged.
I have a few suggestions, if you are interested. If you aren't looking for any, please disregard. I don't mean to overstep.
In your first line "across" seems opposite from "down" when it comes to a beam of light. I think you could easily begin your sentence with "From the sky ... "
(Add an apostrophe to Winters ... winter's.
Maybe think about ending the poem with "rebirth" as in spring flowers being reborn?
(...feedback on this poem, as well as the structure of the poem...I wanted to try some "visual onomatopoeia.")
Wow, I really like this!
Hi Amy,
I found this on the review page and knowing I like your writing, thought I'd take a look.
The message seems to be one of confronting the single life that divorce brings and the different stages one overcomes to survive it. I love all the little hints...rocky, no need for rings, disintegrated, burnt, cold, unmanned (this is clever).
Here are a few things I thought while reading:
Perhaps try "moonless" on a line of its own? Not even sure why exactly... it just seemed to need more pauses around it.
These two words seemed out of place: pizza oven. Too modern maybe? Though, I didn't mind pizza so much as oven. Perhaps the word crust could be woven in somehow with the thin and crispy... Pizza crust, tossed thin and heated crispy
You might consider eliminating the "and" which has a line of its own. If it brings anything special to the poem, it escaped me. Also the word "way" in "way beyond". I think "beyond" alone, covers it nicely.
Somehow, "I tell you" seems too personal of a touch for the rest of the poem. You could shout "I AM BURNT". Just a thought.
I like the flaking shelved look of the next lines and the disintegrating letters of the word disintegrated. Maybe consider removing "to be" and turn the word into disintegrat(ing) instead? This is very visual. Love it.
"Court" is another word that seems out of place to me. I do think the mention of divorce is crucial to the understanding of this metaphor, but maybe not so much court.
Perhaps your intent was to duplicate the hollow sounds of court building halls or courtrooms, but maybe mentions of echoes or hollowness could be incorporated?
Great poem, and the last line is perfect. These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard.
Thank you for sharing. Wishing you a great New Year!
Saw a piece of yours pop up on the random read page and decided to go looking through some of your poetry.
First off, the title grabbed me and after reading the poem was nodding my head. Yeah, low life indeed. Made me smile, even though I don't care for some of nature's low life.
Nice descriptions. What I notice in your poetry that I've read is you are so adept with alliteration. You weave it so skillfully in your descriptions. I felt as if I'd gone on a walk with you down some dark path in the woods with your wonderful imagery.
I like that all your lines are original. Definitely no clichés in your work! Well done.
The only drawback I see in this work is ... it almost seems like a writing exercise in alliteration for a writing class. Yes, it is well done but, also, it feels a teensy bit overdone for a casual poetry read. That being said, I still very much enjoyed it.
I've been intending to revisit your port for some time. I had a feeling it would not disappoint and I was right. This is ingenious! I enjoyed reading it forward and backwards.
I admire your gift for experimental type poetry. It's unique, which makes you, as an artist, stand out from the others.
This poem is also very well written, garnished with metaphors and sarcasm, yet its meaning is clear. I like how you sprinkle in little hint words throughout... 'ex', 'apart', 'raining down'.
Great use of white space throughout to create interest and effect.
My favorite part ... although I love it all:
all collapses in
e x p a n d s
into a perfect shape,
the ultimate question:
Y
I wondered about the ellipses as I read. Are they stanza breaks or something else? I wondered if you played around with it? Maybe vertical or staggered for fun.
* *
* *
* *
And, I love that the comic part doesn't show up until the last line.
I see this won first place in the Humorous Poetry Contest and seeing the title, I had to read. Glad I did. I see why it won. Who could not laugh at this?
LOL This is precious! I loved the belly buttons and unwashed feet parts. I could see my onery little grandson putting together a cake like this for his big sister. Great imagery and imagination!
Well done with your contest entry. The twist with Marge and Bob threw me at the end, but by gosh it was a hoot after I realized what happened! How you gave those two such relatable characterization in so few lines was genius. Of course maybe it was because I saw myself and my husband in them, too. Good job.
What a great entry for the Cramp prompt. You must own a cat to understand their attitude.
So I was halfway through the poem when I discovered the internal rhymes, and that was what was making the poem flow so well. Well done. I enjoyed reading your interpretations of what a cat might be thinking. The way they act so superior, must be universal trait for them. But ya gotta love 'em.
My only suggestion to an otherwise very enjoyable poem might be to take a closer look at the rhythm in some of the lines.
I find it interesting how often your writing comes up randomly in the Read and Review page. But that's okay with me. It's usually something I find worthwhile and entertaining.
So this reminds me of an activity that has gone around on certain social media sites called "Never Have I Ever", although I've not seen it in poetry form before.
So as I read, I substituted Never have I ever in place of I have never. It actually sounds more poetic, IMO.
I think it would be cool if you could make some of these random lines actually reveal something about you, personally, by saying what you're not or not done ... But then again that last line makes me wonder if indeed you have done these things. IDK... it boggles my mind.
I found this excerpt on the random Read and Review page.
I see it is an already published book! Congrats and good for you! So really, making suggestions on the story itself is probably pointless. LOL
I suspect this little tidbit is to get readers interested in the bigger story. Did it intrigue me enough to want to read the book? Maybe not, with just that little bit. Perhaps something a little more exciting in your selection would help.
What I did find was a well written section of a chapter. You seem to be a good writer. So what you could do is perhaps clean up this posting a bit. Maybe fix the breaks in your lines. I'm sure it's just a formatting issue.
This poem popped up on the random Read and review page, so thought I'd give it a look.
This is actually a really good analogy.
All of these things relate to both love and snow. Good job.
Here are some things you might consider to tighten up your poem:
I wonder if you reversed that first line to read, "Love is a lot like snow", it might become a more interesting metaphor. I think the subject of your poem is Love, not so much snow, so I would mention it first. Maybe skip the word "snow in the second line? "When it begins..."
Don't be afraid to use the word "love" in place of "it". (not in every instance though, maybe sprinkle love throughout) It just reinforces the subject more.
Consider dropping the word "can" from your lines and see what you think. Often times, it helps your other words become stronger when you use your verb without helpers.
This cute little Limerick popped up on the Read and Review page. I love me a witty Limerick, especially one written correctly. This is well done with perfect rhythm and your rhymes are near perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. I gave some thought on those middle rhymes ... but really I couldn't come up with anything better, without destroying your poem.
I saw this pop up on the newsfeed and, of course, wanted to read about your journey on WDC.
I remember when you disappeared ... probably the second time. And I remember feeling bad that when you came back you had to start building your portfolio from the bottom up. Happy you are back, and glad your eyesight is good!
I hope you don't mind me reviewing this story for Schnujo's Reviewing Raffle. (trying to earn raffle tickets)
I'm sure there is much between the lines of this story, too much to write. Most of us have made WDC a second home and have had too many experiences to share them all. I like to think most of them good. What I like about this place is, you get out of it as much as you want to put into it.
"On the March eighteenth 2002" You might want to remove "the"
And maybe simplify that first line... something like ... "On March 18, 2002 I was holding a meeting for a group/club where I was the President. During a break, CountryMom, who was the secretary of the group, mentioned that she was writing poetry at Stories dot Com. ..."
"I was (some) proud..." Not sure, this could just be an expression you use ... or it could be a better word might be found.
"Again I (got) a problem..." The word, developed, might work better?
"...than she felt she could,(add comma) gave The Traditional Poetry(why not mention the group's name again?) Group back to me."
It's nice to hear people's stories on here. Thank you for sharing.
I saw this in the Writer's Cramp as I was reading all the entries, and just had to comment.
This is such a sweet, sweet tribute and well written.
I'm sorry for your loss. But how wonderful to open your mind to the fact that this event, her death, changed you and made you stronger. And, I'm so happy to hear you are still her little girl.
This popped up on the Read and Review page and since I'm trying to get in some extra reviewing for the birthday week, you now must put up with me, while I strain to find something to critique.
Wow, what a story! From the ass of a husband to stealing the baby. I mean, good for her for taking matters in her own hands. Can you imagine the complications if the authorities had been in charge. So by doing things her way, the baby has an uninterrupted life.
Something that I noticed in this writing is there are quite a few sentences of the same length. Using varying lengths, long and short, side by side creates more interesting reading.
Just going to mention also, you might think about varying sentence structure too. Another thing I noticed: I unhooked, I placed, I saw, I stopped, I pushed...
This poem popped up when I clicked 0n the Read and Review button today.
I like this light-hearted frolic with your plot bunnies. So, they are out multiplying like bunnies do, plotting new trails, running amuck through your original plan of action. Cute.
Is this a particular form of poetry? I notice the rhythm is strong and the rhyme scheme is in a pattern. I really like it! If it is form poetry, you might consider letting your reader know in a note below the poem.
I know that deciding to not use capital letters are a personal style choice, but I've always thought the use of punctuation and capital letters go hand in hand, and visa versa... Perhaps you might consider adding Caps or removing punctuation? Just a thought.
Thank you for sharing this fun poem. Good luck in all your writing endeavors and may they stay on track.
I dug through your port this morning and was amazed at the number of poems you have written. Although, given the many years you have been here, I shouldn't be. I just scrolled down and picked one at random, kind of like throwing a dart at a map. I'm glad it landed here.
I love this poem. I feel you have captured, so succinctly, the bittersweet emotions many of us felt when we ventured back out after the lockdown. Salted-caramel, opposing flavors, but still good in its own way.
What really grabbed me was the mention of snowflakes in May as part of the normal events of a typical morning. Yes, maybe in Montana, and sometimes here in Idaho we get a freak dusting of snow in the spring. So maybe what you are conveying is things are not quite normal after all.
The spacing of the lines at the end is perfect as if breaking away from normalcy, too. Good work!
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