I really like this! Of course, it's a bit sad but well said and in a very poetic way. I think you have more of a poet's soul than you know.
I wonder about these word choices: "worthless, stupid, lazy". It bothers me a little how cutting they are. I wonder if there are words more associated with pollution that could also relate somehow to the message you are trying to convey... something with duel meaning? (toxic, careless, dull, leaden, etc.)
I just have to question one line though: Did you mean choking or chocking? I think choking.
There are many of us out there, perhaps the majority, who can happily accept whatever the author feeds us as long as long as his protagonist is well characterized as being a genius capable of doing such things ... things most of us do not have the capacity to imagine. If you, the author, say it can be done, I believe you, but that's just me. I think in comparison to the average reader like me, there will be a handful of readers who will question.
For me, The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo comes to mind as having characters who had amazing computer skills. I never questioned whether such things can be done or not because I'm not savvy about such things. But then again, I'm just your average reader. I'll believe it can be done.
I saw this posted on the newsfeed and knowing your work, knew I'd not be disappointed.
This is wonderfully entertaining and well written!
Aren't you so lucky to have the two of them balance you out. Your descriptions of each are so opposite, yet each are doing your writing justice. You've made me really like your muses by what I've read.
There is absolutely nothing to improve on. This poem is perfect as is. Thanks for sharing.
PS I think my muse is more like Eb. Not sure I could keep up with Flo.
Just stopping by your port to see what little gems I could uncover, I know I can always find quality poetry with you. This particular poem does not disappoint! In fact, as I read it I was in awe. Love the vibe you have created with your words.
First line sucked me in right away. Love the use of the white space and how you created a cliff with it. The also the metaphor continuing throughout is so creative! This was well thought out IMO.
I know some of your word choices here are quite cliché, but I like how you use them. Very satirically.
Stopped by for another peek into your writing. This caught my eye because of the 'brief description' under the title. "Poetic portrait of my grandfather at 100".
(My Mother-in-law just celebrated her 102 birthday last week so I wanted to read about your grandfather.)
What a wonderfully poetic slice of life. I love how your words painted a perfect picture in my mind of a moment with your grandfather. Well done.
Favorite line: "crowning him with leaves of laughter"
My only suggestion ... I selfishly wanted more of this. Just one more stanza? Please?
I stumbled across your poem as I was browsing the poetry genre. Just wanted to say, I wholeheartedly enjoyed this! I remember thinking the same thing at my reunion. Too bad we get so caught up in our own insecurities that we don't speak our minds. I'm still like that today, unfortunately.
As I read your poem, I wondered if maybe this little phrase is unneeded: "what appears to be". I wonder if more description would help me see the shirt better. Threadbare comes to mind.
Also, you might think about italicizing "Darn" like you did above with "Now he tells me!"
An enjoyable read that made me smile this morning. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Steph,
Thank you for the fun word search!(and for offering the MB) I think I might have done it in record time... maybe. "Sleighride" was the only really tricky one I found. Half of it was hidden in already found words which made it hard to spot. Good job.
Merry Christmas!
This sweet little story popped up on the random "read and review" page. I see you had words to incorporate into the story and you came up with a really nice topic. (I've noticed you usually have really nice story ideas from reading your other writing.)
I like the lesson this story suggests ... the leaving the nest when it's time. In this day and age, so often the youth are mentally not ready, and the parents don't push. A mistake I believe.
In a short span you developed some fine, believable personalities for your characters. My only complaint is I wanted to read more. But I do understand how some short stories for contests have word limits... so I understand.
I found your poem in a list of "coffee" related articles for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" coffee raid.
I really like this comparison of brewing coffee to the relationship you've discovered has been brewing between you and your brother though the years. Many thoughtful lines for your reader to steep in and compare with their own relationships with siblings. But how special those last lines are:
"I savor from a meager vessel --
a mug made special
because I'm filled with its love.
Here are a few things you might want to consider if you ever want to tinker with this poem again:
In the first two lines you've mentioned time twice. Maybe consider omitting the first "time"?
likewise with these two lines: "from the warm blend I savor from a meager vessel --
Maybe change one of those to a different word? (not important, though)
Now, something I thought was a fantastic metaphor: "drip, drip, drips" and "knowledge, patience and understanding". You might consider rearranging your lines to bring those two lines closer together so that it seems like his encouragement has slowly dripped into your life.
Good writing.
Thanks for sharing it with all of us here at WDC, Brian.
I found your poem in a list of "coffee" related articles for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" coffee raid.
It's a sad message, short and to the point. Unfortunately, there does seem to be more criminals than law enforcement. Still, I get what you are saying. That maybe they are being too slack in their jobs? Or maybe it's all a lost cause anyway? I hope this isn't always the case.
One thing You might want to take another look at is the second line. As a reader I saw Naval uniformed men and wondered why the Navy was expected to "Protect and Serve". I know that was my mistake, but I wonder if there could be another descriptive word for the uniforms rather than the color, navy? (incase others are dense like me)
I found your poem in a list of "coffee" related articles for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" coffee raid.
I'm not quite sure I grasped everything you were expressing in your poem, but the one thing I did come away with was the frantic kind of voice in which it seemed to be written in. Good job.
Something about the comparison of suburbia to a sea life ... makes me think this is about trying to make sense of a lifestyle change. Perhaps newly retired? A need for a more orderly life?
I really enjoyed reading your poem. There are so many great lines:
"randomness is a dead sea.
Adventure is a list, wife."
"The lively wife swiftly
alphabetizes the captain." These last lines are a perfect, witty ending!
I found your poem in a list of "coffee" related articles for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" coffee raid.
I really like this poem's format. It kind of reminds me of the child's nursery rhyme of "This is the House That Jack Built" in that it is written with a similar technique where all characters are sort of connected by a series of glances as the poem progresses. A very cool idea!
The lack of punctuation works very well here as it causes the poem to be read fast ... reminiscent of how fast a glance is.
Something you might consider is in the first stanza and in the last, it might be interesting to compact them into fewer words—a contrast with the middle stanza (which I would not change a thing there ... it's brilliant! Maybe something like:
Denizens of a coffee shop
placate their loneliness with
coffee and glances, little
cakes and imagination
Anyway... cudos to a brilliant poem. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the thanksgiving crossword puzzle. It's nice to be reminded of the things that we learned way back in school about the underappreciated Thanksgiving holiday. It's just the thing to get me thinking about what to serve at the feast.
I had fun doing your crossword. One thing kind of threw me though. All of your clues were numbered below but not all of them were numbered in the puzzle. Since I've never made a crossword before, I don't know if that's something you can fix or if it's a glitch in the program.
Hope your holidays are all good! Happy Thanksgiving.
I found your story in the "ghost" genre and decided to give it a read.
Now ... this is creepy! But what story in a foggy cemetery wouldn't be? It's a perfect setting for a ghost story.
I enjoyed reading this, but a few things stuck out to me as a reader that you may or may not want to consider if you ever plan revise. Consider opening your story with one of your more descriptive lines about the cemetery to grab your reader right off.
I noticed in the prompt, this is a dream. It's not important, but you could consider mentioning waking up at the end of your story. Or keep it mysterious.
I noticed a lot of redundency — such as not knowing why you are there, or the well-worn path. You might consider removing some of the repetitions to give your story more impact.
Also I noticed the tense changed from present to past by the end of of the last paragraph.
This is a great idea for a spooky story. I wish I'd thought of it. You could really bring more creepiness to it by adding more decriptive images of the cemetery in your revisions.
Your opening lines were perfect for reeling me in. Well written.
I found some really great lines, Sox. I really Love this one... it is creative and I can picture it perfectly:
"... melted my six-pack into a blubbery bulge of a spare tire."
"There is nothing essentially creepy about a cloudy night. I lie to myself." Just wondering about the tense here. It's probably fine?
"The hair on the back of my neck began to stand on edge." 'On edge' seems a strange description for hair... I picture the 'edge' of hair to be the sides?
CREEPY! I know this is flash, but do you have a few more words you could use when the 'beast' shows up, so your story doesn't end so abruptly? How does the MC feel? Maybe describe his/her fear?
So, I have to assume the narrator met his/her demise in the end. Since the story is told in past tense, is the MC telling the story as a ghost? Or you could consider changing the tense and have the events unfold as you tell it in first?
I'm not sure I've read your poetry before, but I got to say I enjoyed this a lot! I like the quietness of the subjects in each stanza. Yet as a whole, your poem is speaking loudly with a voice of urgency of time slipping away.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
I was taking a look at the rules for the Red Wheelbarrow Poetry contest and thought I'd take a gander at the entries thus far.
Wow! Have you set the bar high!!
This poem made my jaw drop, it was so gorgeous, every single word. It has to be one of the best short poems I've read in a very long time! So full of feelings on the surface as well as below. I absolutely love it!
Well, that was fun. LOL I looked forever for the very last word "party". It had already been highlighted with other words so it became very disguised! Tricky!
Any way... Happy 22nd WDC to you too!
This is so lovely. It filled my ears with much chirping and twittering. I chose to hear dainty little tweets instead of what I sometimes hear ... the shrieking of Magpies and ravens or crows. This is a really fun kind of Haiku that I will definitely be trying out again.
Mostly wanted to mention, I've been enjoying your poems this week at the Cramp. You've written some very nice poetry that you should be proud of. Congratulations on your wins.
I read through this several times and I'm in awe of your mastery of arranging words for impact! Well done! It's beautiful. I have to assume since a genre is mythology, you are writing about a dragon hatchling?
An observation for the sake of sticking to form:
line 6 needs another word
Also, I wondered about the phrase "this too shall past" Did you mean "pass"?
Well, your poem will probably be disqualified from the Writer's Cramp" because of not being about pie, but I'm relieved I'm not competing against this wonderful poem.
I smiled when I saw this come up on the random Read and Review page because I know I can always trust your words to be entertaining. That said, I was not disappointed.
I love that this is told in the pov of one's shadow. How unique. I often write about shadows but nothing in from the shadow's mouth. I find this to be unique and a little creepy. (love )
Why "one day" for revenge? Anytime it's dark I feel shadows are free to lurk about and plot. And because of their dark nature, it's easy to paint them as evil-ish. I generally do. Maybe don't do anything it will disapprove of.
Your story happened to pop up on the random Read and Review page this morning.
I really don't have anything to offer as far as critique; it's well written.
You sure do know how to tug at my emotions. I like how you wove the past into the present with this. It works well in establishing the fault of the red chair in the story. I almost felt bad for the chair.
For some, shifting the blame for unhappy experiences to an inanimate object can be a useful way to cope. You showed that very well.
You and your muse wrote this in one morning?? Wow! I'm jealous. My muse can dilly-dally around for weeks on just one line! Can I borrow your muse to come and train mine?
This is a very nice prayer/poem. One reading and I knew exactly why you wrote this. I absolutely hate being kept awake at night with daytime worries knowing there is nothing that can be done about them until day arrives. A solid night of sleep is something worth praying for.
Love the way you bring deeper meaning to the words burn, Eden, demons in the third stanza.
I looked up the parameters of the Kyrielle poem, (new to me ... thank you) and it seems you've formed it correctly. It's a nice solid form.
I wonder in the second stanza, second line if the word "I'll" could replace "will"? It kept slipping off my tongue that way.
I'm glad I took the time to read this. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Beholden, (Tried sending this twice before but with WDC's e-mail down, failed. Until now, hopefully..)
I found this entertaining story listed as the winner in the Screams contest and thought I'd take a look. Definitely a winner.
I'd forgotten what a talented writer you are. I know I should visit your stories more often ... but ... well, you know. LOL
Nothing to critique here. Just wanted to let you know I read and enjoyed your crazy little tale. Lesson? Yes. One should not argue when told, "Not for sale".
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"Sleighride" was the only really tricky one I found. Half of it was hidden in already found words which made it hard to spot. Good job. 
) 
