Here to review your story. They are just my thoughts. Take what you will and throw the rest out.
This is a sweet love story, meeting, falling in love, beginning life together. You had some really great lines.
But then something happens to Lindsey. Here is where I wanted more. I wasn't satisfied with her vanishing without a trace. I needed some signs of what might have happened to her body.
I think the story could be cut back some, made tighter. IMO if you were going for a much longer story, then all the details and more are fine. But as a short story, you could remove a lot of the small details, lines that really don't push the story forward.
Something you might also consider working on, if you ever want to come back for revisions, is making the story flow with more "showing" and less "telling". If the reader can see something happening rather being told what happened, it just makes the story more interesting.
Good luck in the contest and happy writing for the future.
What a nice tribute to your loved ones. I like how your memories of those who have passed from your life are commemorated high on a mountain. Fitting.
Your heartfelt poem easily flowed with well written lines in aabb stanzas. Each stanza, full of poignant lines, I could almost feel your grief inside my own heart. But your words also makes one feel there is hope for serenity at the end of life.
Oh my word! What a great poem! It sounds to me like you've more than made up for not studying.
I definitely don't have a scientific type mind, so completely grasping the Schrödinger's Cat concept is not happening. But even so, this poem had so much to offer to the reader's imagination. Your descriptions are unique and stand out. I wanted to quote some of my favorite lines, but I'd be listing you whole poem, in that case, because I love it all. Great work.
So often when a poet writes without caps and punctuation, it doesn't work. But you did it flawlessly and I didn't even notice it until my second read.
So on another read I found a couple more things. Sorry, I'm kind of a perfectionist. I think you have a top-notch story there so I changed your rating.
You may want your title to be changed to "No, Mr. Bond". Or remove that comma it it is suppose to mean like no more Mr. Bond... but you should still use the period after Mr.
Here's one I missed: "...explain every important element of ones plans..." I find it interesting that possessive for it is "its", but possessive for "one" is one's. (had to look it up actually.)
After your comment about my story, I had to come check yours out.
Wow! This is a very well written tale of the goings on in the life of a vampire. I like how you painted the protagonist as a kind, gentle man. You make him very likable. (can you introduce us? Oh that's right, he's taken.) And as for the love interest, your early description of her did not give away the fact that she was ill. At least I didn't catch on.
I also like the ending. You leave it up to the reader's interpretation. Good job. Now, either you read a lot of vampire stories, or you did a lot of research, or you are a vampire yourself, in any case you seem to know a lot about them.
Thanks for sharing your story and good luck in the competition.
I don't understand what you are worried about, but now, after reading your story, I'm worried. Of course, it is all up to Jim, but I like to think our stories are quite equal in quality. Just different writing styles and different paranormal entities.
I found your story on the random Read and Review page. You write very well! An entertaining story with an ending that both surprised me and made me smile. Good job.
Here are a few punctuation fixes for you to consider:
Ego Mr Bond..., try adding a comma after "ego" and a period after Mr. Ego, Mr. Bond.
...as he addressed the spy, strapped into a chair Remove the comma.
"Ego," period instead of comma.
Of course they may be an element of sadism involved for some. I think you mean "there"?
...describe what they were going to do before getting on with, presumably it added to the terror. I think I might rephrase that somehow... before hand? Then consider making that last part a separate sentence.
As he spoke the man walked slowly comma after spoke
the man in the chair he addressed him It feels like a comma is needed after "chair".
but frankly another comma after "frankly"
one's 'lair', so close to one's own person. To take them into your confidence and give them time to plan." I'd end the first sentence at "lair" and maybe omit "so close to one's own person. I think it would be stronger without the redundancy?
so.. so banal add another dot ... yeah, I know, banal huh?
and that is why Mr Bond. I'd end that with ... to signify a continuation of thought to come.
That is why I shot you fatally directly you were brought in Maybe rephrase this to make more sense: "That is why I shot you when you were brought in"?
This poem came up on the random Read and Review page so I had to have a look of course. I don't know if I've ever reviewed you before but I have definitely read many of your poems and I know you to be a very good writer. This poem does not disappoint either. There is nothing I can suggest to improve your writing, but thought I'd let you know how much I enjoy it.
I stumbled on your poem through the random Read and Review page. Thought I'd take a look and see what it's all about. Good job with the Alphabet Poem. Twice even! And then in each line are more words beginning with that particular letter, as well. Impressive!
The title is very fitting, for after I read your poem, I thought to myself, This is about a really great mother who is well loved.
Some things you might consider, if you ever want to tweak your poem a bit, is try writing it in a child's voice throughout. You might even cut out some words that might not be in a child's vocabulary, such as "consummate".
Also in places, I found in your effort to use more words of a certain letter, it feels very forced. Most lines feel okay, but some ... not so much. I think you could remove some of those and not hurt your poem at all.
This came up on the random Read and Review page. After reading the first paragraph, I knew this was something I needed to read. Finding an article that is well written, educates me and also perhaps improve my writing is always a good discovery.
This is filled with such very good advice, and some great examples that helped clarify your statements. I'd not thought about each scene having a beginning middle and end. And also the advice of switching up positive and negative impact scenes is something I'd not thought of either. Good to know.
I just finished reading this fun little story, which I found on the random Read and Review page. I think it's very well written. I found so many great lines that made me smile and chuckle. So many I lost count. Your story is very relatable since I actually pictured myself doing a lot of the same things.
Too bad your daughter doesn't have a handy-man boyfriend she could call on. Maybe your sister could come to the rescue since I'm really kind of rooting for the triumph of the female gender.
Perhaps bring her into the story and definitely add some more humor. I love your sense of humor. Great job and thanks for sharing.
This piece popped up on the random Read and Review page.
Those are some powerful thoughts you have. Gave me much to ponder. Your 'sounds of silence' are definitely not silent within your mind, but they are to everybody else around you, which is a comfort. I certainly am glad nobody can hear the chaos in my head.
Writing is such a good way to get some of the noise out of your head. So keep writing.
I was skimming through the random Read and Review items when I spotted this. I was pleased to find your name pop up, because I know it will be worthwhile to read.
And I'm right. Holy Cow! This amazing example of prose poetry is so rich. The imagery is vivid and chilling.
Didn't get this line though: "No one has how." Is there a typo?
You poem popped up in the random read and review option. First off, welcome to Writing.com.
Your poem has much to say. These feelings you express are well known to many people, but you say it in a unique way. So good job. Writing is a good way to cope with feelings.
There are few things small things that could improve this piece and that would be punctuation and spelling.
I noticed first, the unneeded spaces inserted in front of commas. Then at the end, most definitely consider removing all the periods.
"reel" in line five is misspelled, and perhaps consider removing "Cause" or using an apostrophe —'cause — as a shortened version of "because". Also I suggest removing your last word "out" altogether.
Probably Will does not need to be capitalized.
I would consider placing each "Oh my heart" on separate lines for emphasis.
These are just my observations and suggestions. Feel free to use or discard.
I found this on the random Read and Review page. Kind of wished it was a bit longer. I see it's a fairly old item and if you're like me, revising probably won't happen. But in case you want to tweek it a bit, you might consider adding to or revising this line, "Pissing from the sky like God's overflowing toilet."
God's toilet puts an interesting image in my mind, but it might make more sense if there is piss falling from the sky... because God had a bad aim and missed the toilet. Then again... it could be clogged up and overflowing because of too much crap... in which case you could mention that.
Nice poem, Richard. I do forget we are a young nation but still, it's not like the rest of the world is any wiser for being older.
I like your optimism for learning from our mistakes. We can only hope and pray you're right.
That rhyme scheme seems like it should be a specific poetry form. Is it, or something you made up?
(So I read your post on the newsfeed and ran my mouse over it until I found something clickable and I was transported here!)
Just had to write and tell you I enjoyed your entry in the "Cramp" today. Good job with depicting the cat's evil side, where most probably would have portrayed a more sweet, quiet side. I have known cats with similar personalities and to tell the truth, trying to read a cat's thoughts and never quite knowing what's what with them, is what makes them so endearing to me.
You did a marvelous job putting words to a cat's typical demeanor. You must own a cat to know how one typically operates. Well done!
This cute poem popped up on the random Read and Review page. Fantastic rhythm and rhyme and easy to read. Well done and nicely expressed.
In defense of Mr. Smiley Face, in the beginning, (before computers) he and I bonded when I was quite young. In those days all he ever did was smile. I have a fondness for him still and love all his new expressions.
I agree, the poor little Emojis (cute as they are) have been over-used and abused. I find it's not really the little guy's fault. In this busy world, he is quite helpful in expressing a feeling quickly for those who are lacking in the skills to express themselves with words. He's just doing his job.
What I find annoying is anything else that's not a smiley face (flowers, drinks, food etc. you name it) that are attached to texts. If it's not a smiley face, it's a waste.
Rant over. In all seriousness, I enjoyed your poem. I know it's all in fun. Thanks for sharing!
Ohhh hahaha. You had me going!
Hi Sumojo,
Found this on the Random Read and Review page and thought I'd give it a look.
Nice job with the building of fear.
Something I thought while reading was, if the "she" in the story had a name, would she then become more real, less shadow-like?
Also I thought a stronger set-up for such a short story would be to exchange the first two sentences. Start with her footsteps rather than his.
The rest flowed wonderfully down the page, building suspense with each line.
Loved the last line! Well done!
Thanks for sharing.
I found this sweet little poem on the Random Read and Review page.
The subject of how love grows out of unexpected circumstances is always a good topic to write about. I like how this poem kind of tumbles down the page. The short lines work well here. Playful-like.
I feel like there is more between the lines that you could share. Maybe add some more specific details at the beginning of may how you tried to ignore the friendship or why you tried to ignore it.
This is a nice little tidbit of growing affection over the years, but the poem seemed to end too soon, like I missed something in between. I like your poem, I only wish there was more.
I found this little piece on the random read and review page and thought I'd send my thoughts.
My first thought was, I wondered if you might consider breaking up the lines into poetry form? In my opinion, I think it's the perfect subject matter for a poem — a journey within, exploring internal conflicts — which I think this is about.
It's just a suggestion and feel free to toss out my idea of course, but if you wanted to pursue the poem idea, you could go through and discard some of the unimportant words like these, the, of, it is, and a, then split into lines.
Maybe something like:
I drift alone on waves of vibrant light.
Through each motion
I feel the cold touch of pain ...
By the way, I think it's both, dream and reality! It's your creative way of finding a way to describe your thoughts about what's happening within your being. Of course, I could be way off, too!
What a beautiful thing ... to write a tribute to poetry that inspires you. You've hit on the things that makes us write. Like expressing things we carry inside that only written words can do. Or like describing something beautiful in nature or surroundings. Pulling those thoughts out and putting writing them down is sometimes the best medicine for the soul, as you know.
Some suggestions to use or toss:
Possibly for rhythm sake, in stanza four, you might want to go with "Don't" instead of Do not.
Your very last line, you might consider dropping the second "as". Try this and see how it sounds to you: Is the same as the beauty your soul's unfurled.
A quick mention of a misspelling — "afraid" has one "f". But other than that, a very nicely expressed poem.
Thank you for reading my work and for sharing yours.
Ohhh what a "sweet" pantoum! Very nicely crafted. "Golden honey, glittering, gleams naturally pristine." This line is a perfect description, and "pristine" the one word I would have never thought, but simply sums up honey perfectly in the way it's created, in looks and in taste. Good word choice!
Fantastic poem, Fyn. It brought immediate tears to my eyes. Is it a true story ... your children? One never knows with poets. You have a great story telling gift, as is shown in these words which both jabbed my heart and made me proud to be an American. That last line is perfect.
I've no doubt this poem should have been a first place win in the Senior Contest, and feel my poem was given a break because of your win in the Veteran's Contest. It was deserving of first in both. But who's going to argue with a judge.
OMG This is beautifully written, Brian. A sad, but wonderful tribute to your mother.
I found this on the "Read and Review" page, and I'm glad I did. It reminded me of canning with my own mom. But what you have captured in these perfect words is far more than just memories of canning. You showed me the essence a woman who was well loved.
I loved everything about this poem, but especially,
"the sweet harmony begins
with a single, tender metallic
ping!"
and those last two heart wrenching lines!
I hope you published this somewhere. It needs to be shared.
Thanks for sharing your talent with all of us here, Brian.
I've been getting into reviewing a bit lately and thought I'd try one of your poems, since I know they are always to my liking.
This poem is wonderful. I like how it tumbles down the page like a brook might. And as I was thinking about that I wondered how it might look if the lines were placed a bit staggered. Might be something to play with if you are into experimenting like me.
The thoughts of water telling you a story of what it's seen is a very creative idea. A person could go on and on with stories of that. I have to say in stanza two, your word choice for the rushing water ... "whisper" seemed more like what the maple would be doing, not the brook. The streams I've sat by sound more like they are "chattering".
You do very well with rhythm here, although I did stumble in the sixth stanza when lines two and four began with stressed syllables instead of unstressed like the rest, causing the rhythm to falter a bit.
All in all, this is a refreshing poem... it puts me next to a babbling brook and who could complain about that?
Thanks for sharing your talent... and everything you do.
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Thanks for sharing!