Hey, Jeff! I'm one of the judges for the July 2015 round of "Rhythms & Writing: Official WDC Contest" and thought it would be nice to offer everyone some quick feedback on their entries.
What Caught My Eye
I usually expect the opening lines of a story to draw me in. The first two lines are, well, boring. Very boring. You tell us that it's a coronation but don't show it until a few lines later. The second line is where I'd have stopped reading probably. It was a "beautiful day"-- you already told us that, so the description wasn't needed. The first real 'grab me' line was the description of the coronation. The 'bridezillas' comment placed it firmly in modern society rather than some time long past. From there, the hook is truly a hook.
I think the normalcy of the first few lines could have been a shocking sort of juxtaposition with the assassin too, by the way. It doesn't read that way though for me. Instead, the opening is hum-drum, and that's the same tone that snuck through the more interesting bits later. Sorry to focus on the hook, but hey... you want people to keep reading!
Favorite Aspects
Honestly, my favorite aspect was the entire idea. I never would have thought to write a story about an assassin on the day she was to assassinate a politician. It was a nice surprise, and I found it pretty enjoyable.
Character(s)
I don't feel like I got to know The Ghost well enough for the ending to sound right. I mean, she's a mercenary. This is her job. People pay her for a job, and she does the job. But then, she just decided not to do the job for reasons that seemed... un-mercenary-like. It wasn't super convincing for some reason. Her assignment was to assassinate the kid... she failed that. So, "never failed an assignment" isn't exactly true anymore.
Consistency
I think there was a bit more "telling" than I'd like at times. I am not a huge advocate of "show don't tell". Just saying "her back was starting to ache", for instance, is sometimes better than an elaborate show of rubbing out a knot in her back or something. That said, there was still a smidge more than I like. For instance, the entire "She wasn't especially enthused" paragraph was telling, and since it was all background info, it seemed slightly tedious to read.
Style / Tone
I haven't read much of these types of stories, but from the little I have read, I think that the style, tone, and story-telling technique here is on point for that political-drama sort of story.
Effect
Overall, I think that the story has some strong moments but also has some room for improvement. I don't regret reading it by any means, but I'm still just... not entirely satisfied. I might consider setting it aside for a while and then revisiting it with fresh eyes. Good luck in the contest, love!
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