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26
26
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*I don't think the title "It Feels So Good, So Take A Chance On Me" accurately fits the poem. Though these are two phrases from the poem, I think a better title would be better suited. For instance, "A Song in My Heart", "A Song For You", "You Are My Love"...

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*I really like the idea of using song titles in the poem. That is very creative.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem is not clear about the status of the love. In the first stanza, the second line indicates separation, the third line indicates a love shared, the fourth line indicates a lover that doesn't care. In the second stanza, the third line indicates the lovers are together, the fourth line indicates they are apart. In the fourth stanza, the first through third lines indicate a strong mutual love, yet in the fourth stanza he/she is asking for love.
*Right*The contradictory statements made throughout the poem cause confusion for the reader. While it is enjoyable to read because of the placement of song titles, the meaning is not clear. It sounds like the poet chose the song titles for the each verse and then wrote love verses, not a love poem.
*Right*I suggest rewording the verses so that they flow together, providing a clear, meaningful poem.

"I’m going out of my head over you"
*Right*This verse doesn't make much sense. I suggest rewording it.
I'm going out of my head because of you

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*At the end of only two verses is punctuation used, one with a comma and the other with a period. In poetry, each verse should be punctuated as needed or no punctuation. I think this poem would benefit with the use of punctuation. I suggest adding commas, semicolons, em dashes and periods at the end of verses where needed.

"It feels so good, I never want to let you go"
*Right*Because you say "I never want to let YOU go" "It" should be 'You'. But because the song is "feels so good" that would not fit. Therefore I suggest rewording it.
It feels so good, I never want to let this feeling go.

"You give me a natural high, make me feel whole"
*Right*The phrase "make me feel whole" is not complete. There are two ways this can be fixed.
You give me a natural high, making me feel whole
Or
You give me a natural high; you make me feel whole

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*There is no meter nor natural flow.

*Right*The poem has great rhyme aabb style. Only one note, "limit" and "spirits" are not rhyming words because the word "spirits" is plural.

OVERALL:

*Right*I think that this is a very creative poem. However, because of the endeavor to include song titles in the poem, the meaning is lost. I like the song titles in the poem, I just think that some rewording could be implemented to make this sound like a coherent poem.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:
"I can’t smile without you, nor can I pretend"
*Right*I really thought the phrase "nor can I pretend" after this song title showed the depth of his/her love and dependence for the other.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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27
27
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Fire*Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item"  ! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you from: ~A.J. Lyle~ and includes the reviews of 6 various types of items! Enjoy!*Fire*


TITLE:
*Right*I think "The Face in the Glass" is a great title for this poem.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*The form of the poem appears to be free style with five stanzas containing four verse each and implementing an aabb, ccdd.. rhyme scheme

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

"Inside, I’m still young and full of spit;"
*Right*I'm not sure if "spit" is a typo that is supposed to be 'spirit' or if it supposed to be "spit". But the word "spit" doesn't make much sense in this context.

"Perceptions change when viewed in the glass;
I’ll stick with my mind’s eye, on the other, I’ll pass"
*Right*After rereading this a few times, I understand what you are saying. I think this should be reworded for clarity purposes.
Perceptions of self are changed when looking in the glass
So I'll just stick with my mind's eye, and the glass, I'll pass;

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*Since the poem is about a mirror and reflections, I think more imagery could be used. The only imagery was really the wrinkles. What about age spots, grey hair, sagging skin, drooping eyelids, double chin, crow's feet, etc.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

"I look at myself; at the face in the glass"
*Right*The semicolon should be a comma. And a comma should be after "glass".
I look at myself, at the face in the glass,

"And see a stranger, some foreign lass"
*Right*A comma should be after "lass".

"I don’t feel that old, well sometimes I do"
*Right*A semicolon or period should be after "do"

"Yet I lie in bed and my husband’s hand"
*Right*I suggest either omitting the word "Yet" or placing a comma after it.

"Yet I lie in bed and my husband’s hand
Caresses etchings, a map of life spanned
And tells me I’ll always be that girl he asked to dance;
How he’d do it again if given the chance."
*Right*I suggest placing a semicolon after "spanned" and replacing the word "And" with 'He'. Also, the semicolon after "dance", I believe should be a comma.
I lie in bed and my husband's hand
Caresses etchings, a map of life spanned;
He tells me I'll always be that girl he asked to dance,
How he'd do it again if given the chance.

"For I still see my husband, though bald and gray"
*Right*A comma should be placed after "gray".

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*I did not detect any meter in the rhythm of the poem, yet the poem flowed very nicely.

*Right*The poem had a structured rhyme that was implement soundly.

OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, this is a really good poem. My main suggestions revolved around punctuation. Though I think this poem could use a bit more imagery, it is still a nice poem.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:
"Yet I lie in bed and my husband’s hand
Caresses etchings, a map of life spanned"
*Right*I really liked this metaphor. It fit the poem perfectly.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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28
28
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*I don't think the title "Death of an Optimist" accurately fits this poem. The reason being, the "Optimist" never died. Once it is stated that "my optimism died" but later in the poem it mentions hope, determination, knowing he would previal. Therefore, His optimism never really did die. I suggest a title like: "Dismay of an Optimist" or "The Tribulation of an Optimist."

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem appears to be a free verse poem with 10 stanzas and a final couplet. There is a consistent rhyme scheme of aabb...xx.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem is concise and very easy to read and understand.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*Every verse is filled with thoughtful imagery. Good Job!

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*I noticed a few punctuation errors. I have listed them below.

"I knew there'd be a traffic jam
but I knew all the back roadways."
*Right*You need a comma after "jam" because this is a compound sentence.

"too soon arrived. It was not long."
*Right*This is correct but it is awkward. I suggest omitting the period after "arrived" and inserting an em dash.
too soon arrived—it was not long.

"as cars mimed a figure skater
my optimism finally died."
*Right*There needs to be a comma after "skater"

"yet my resolve remained unbowed."
*Right*There should be a comma after "yet"

"as the radio told me "You're screwed."
*Right*There should be a comma after "me"

"Still, I kept the faith – I had no choice
and ignoring my inner voice
I kept on – more stop than start –"
*Right*There should be a period after "choice." There should be a comma after "voice".
Still, I kept the faith—I had no choice.
And ignoring my inner voice,
I kept on—more stop than start—

"I knew that I'd prevail - although
*Right*A comma needs to be after "although"

"I wondered "When will they get the power fixed?""
*Right*A comma needs to be placed after "wondered"

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem does not have any set meter but it flows ok. It would flow even better with the appropriate punctuation applied.

*Right*The poem has a set rhyme and it is implemented very well. The words do not sound forced to fit the rhyme.

OVERALL:

*Right*I think a great story is told in this poem. I really loved the use of the rhyme. The writer uses great imagery to that makes the reader actually see the picture of the snowstorm and the struggle getting home. The kicker is the end. What a great ending this poem has. It is so unexpected but believable. Great Job!

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

*Right*Of course, my favorite part is the finale couplet. It just made me laugh. But not to laugh at your demise, but at the way the poem was put together. Great ending. So believable.

*Right*I've been stuck once in a flood, so I know how scary it can be. I think there are many who can relate. But the way you light hartedly and humorously describe you experience makes this poem the more entertaining.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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29
29
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*While the title "September Morning as the Phoenix Calls" embraces the meaning of the poem, I think it tells to much of the story. Because the poem gradually shows the reader that the poem is about 9/11, I don't think the words "September Morning" should be in the title since those words automatically cause Americans to think of 9/11. I think the title is best suited as just "As the Phoenix Calls"

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem appears to be a free verse poem of 7 stanzas with an inconsistent rhyme scheme.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem is clear and easy to understand.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*This poem was brimming with excellent imagery.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*


*Right*There are two periods in the entire poem. In poetry, it's all or none. My suggestion is to take out the two periods in the first and second stanza.

"A coin in musician’s cap
Strums a guitar in his lap"
*Right*Two things. First, I suggest inserting the word "the" between "in" and "musician's". Second, I suggest changing "strums" to "strumming"
A coin in the musician's cap
Strumming a guitar in in his lap

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

"The sun had kissed the sky that day"
*Right*This verse is too repetitive and makes the flow very awkward. I suggest omitting it in some of the stanzas or rewriting each one so that this line varies from stanza to stanza.

OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, I think you have a fabulous poem. I think the repetitious line "The sun had kissed the sky that kissed that day" takes away from the poem rather than adds to it. Your diction is great. The emotion the poem leaves me with is pride for my country. Good Job!

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"The flame cast, the phoenix risen
Testament to the American vision"
*Right*This is a very powerful verse. It is also very true. This incident will always be more than just part of America's history. It is part of who we are and how we act and react.

"The heroes came one and all
Many only came to fall"
*Right*This is so beautifully stated. Many heroes came to save only to fall to their grave. We will always remember them.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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30
30
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*I think title "Will You Move Heaven" is an appropriate title for this poem because it is the refrain.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*In a Rondelet the first line is used as the refrain for the 3rd and last lines. You did a good job implementing the refrain. However, there are other aspects that make a poem a Rondelet that where not included in this poem. In a Rondelet, The refrain must be four syllables and the other lines each eight syllables. A Rondelet also has a rhyme scheme of AbAabbA.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*Though I don't know the problem, I know there is an internal struggle. I know you are seeking deliverance. The poem's tone is very clear.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem lacks imagery. I suggest adding imagery of the pain and the hell.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*In the poem there are three question marks. I suggest using punctuation on all end verses where needed.


*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*As mentioned before, this poem does not have the rhythem or rhyme of a Rondeley.

OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, I like the meaning of the poem. You could change the refain to "Please move Heaven" that is four syllables. Then fix the following lines to follow the syllable count and rhyme scheme. Do this, and I think you will have a great Rondelet.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"Will you move Heaven
to meet me in my hell?"
*Right*This verse shows that you are not in a good place, that you are unable to reach heaven on your own, for you are in hell. I like this a lot.

I truely enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*

*Right*If you decide to rewrite this poem, let me know and I will be more than happy to take another look at it.


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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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31
31
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group"  This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*The title in the subject line is "What Did You Just Say?", however the title in the text area is "Untitled". I suggest omitting the title in the text area. As far as "What Did You Just Say?", I'm not sure how this applies to the poem.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*It appears that this is a free verse poem with a rhyme scheme of abcb. This form is carried throughout the poem consistently.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*I have to admit upfront. I've read this poem over many times and still, I am not clear on its meaning. There seem to be verses that contradict each other or that are just not clear. It appears that you are in a therapist office (I think) but if this is the case then the verse "Friendship is what I offer" does not make sense because the relationship of therapist and patient does not consist of friendship. So if this is not a therapist the speaker is speaking to whom? Who would the speaker talk to about his/her suicidal thoughts upon just meeting them?

"You would stand there head a shaking
with your hands upon your hips."
*Right*Why do you use the word "would". Is the person actually shaking their head? It seems to make more sense to make the character do the action.
You stand there with your head shaking
and your hands upon your hips.

"You would run as fast as you could."
*Right*Why would they run as fast as they could?

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*The first verse has imagery but I need to know who is knocking and who is coming inside.

*Right*Perhaps the poem could use more imagery to clarify the characters and the situation.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

"Knock, the door is opened,
warily come inside."
*Right*I suggest adding the word "I" in front of "Knock" because at first read it seems like you hear a knock. I also suggest fixing the punctuation here and adding another "I" on the second line. Even if you don't add the "I", "Knock" needs a period after it.
I knock. The door is opened.
I warily come inside.
Or
I knock. The door is opened.
Warily, I walk inside.

"I understand you have problems,
don't we all, yes, I can see,"
*Right*I suggest correcting the punctuation in these verses.
I understand you have problems.
Don't we all? Yes, I can see.

"and we are are all in need of some therapy."
*Right*The word "are" is repeated. Simple typo fix.

"Me,practically a stranger,"
*Right*You need a space before "practically"

"needing to vent, and I decide,
what it is you're expected to say,"
*Right*You don't need the "and". Also the comma after "say" is not needed.
*Right*Deciding "what it is you're expected to say" is a statement that doesn't make sense. How can you decide what is all ready expected? You can know what is expected. Here is my humble suggestion:
needing to vent, I deride,
knowing what you're expected to say

"You would run as fast as you could.
I am not though. I am here.
*Right*This first verse says "would run" and the second verse here says "am not [running]" this is a conflict in tense. I suggest changing this.
*Right*"I am not though" is not a complete sentence. You should use a comma instead of a period. I also suggest adding the word 'still' after the word "am".
I am not though, I am still here.
Or
I will not though, I will still be here.

"So make sure this is understood.
*Right*Instead of a period, you should consider a colon.

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*This is a free verse poem without meter but the flow is good.

*Right*Very good use of consistent rhyme.


OVERALL:

*Right*I think there is more to be said, more to be described. I want to know who we are talking to. Why is speaker suicidal? Why are they offering friendship? This can be a really deep poem with a bit of work.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

*Right*I like the last verse. You have expectations. You wont allow bad things to come into your life. You have lived a hard life and now you refuse to accept anybody in your life who will cause you strife. All you want and are willing to give is friendship.


I enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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Review of Never Alone  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" . This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*I like the title "Never Alone. It is simple and straight to the point. It fits the poem well.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*I liked the uplifting tone and reassurance this poem gives me as a believer.

SUGGESTIONS:

on him you can always call.
*Right*I suggest capitalizing the word "him" since you are referring to God.
on Him you can always call.

"He never away"
*Right*This line is missing the word "is"
He is never away

"He gave a gift,"
*Right*I think you could make this flow better and sound more personal by adding the word "you" or "us"
He gave you a gift,
OR
He gave us a gift,

OVERALL:

*Right*This is as simple as it gets. We are never alone. We have a gift. I love it. It is not fancy but it doesn't need to be. It is plain just like Jesus was. Good Job!



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33
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Review of Saving Myself  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" . This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*Personally, I don't think the title fits the entire essence of the poem. Though it is the last phrase of the last line, I think there a different title would be better suited for this poem. My humble suggestions, "White Straight Jacket", "I Did Not Die", "I Can Only Think of Saving Myself", "Deciding to Live". . .

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Right*As I read the poem, I was reminded of my week long stay in a hospital and meeting the cutters, and the reckless patients that were forced into seclusion.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*I enjoyed being in the mind of the speaker as she thought her situation through. It was very powerful.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*There is no rhythm or rhyme; yet, the poem doesn't require it, as natural thought does not rhyme or have rhythm. It is laid out very nicely.


*Pencil*GENERAL COMMENTS:*Pencil*

I am in a locked room,
wearing a white straight jacket.
*Right*I suggest changing the second verse into a complete sentence so that it is patterned like every other verse in the poem.
I am in a locked room.
I am wearing a white straight jacket.

*Right*I really like how we see the progress in the speakers sanity: from hoping the door will unlock, to thinking if he/she is quiet someone will come for them, to thinking living might not be that bad, to thinking about his/her physical appearance, then finally, saving his/herself from the torment. Very nicely done!

OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, you have a very real, very insightful poem describing the experience of a person with mental illness.

*Right*On a side note and without being too invasive, I would like to know what the diagnosis was because I also have bipolar as well as seizures. I haven't been diagnosed with a specific brain disorder but it would be nice to look it up and see if there is a possibility.
34
34
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group" . This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Right*As I read the poem from top to bottom I thought it had good rhyme and flow. However, I read a few verses that caused a bit of confusion.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*The sincerity felt as I read the poem is special and unique. I really liked the tone. It has a longing, yet appreciative tone.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*The abcb rhyme is perfected in this poem.

*Right*There is no meter in the poem but it flows gracefully.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

"many a tear in my eye,
trying very hard now,
not to break down and cry."
*Right*The image of this first line and the last line contradict each other. I suggest toning down the first line.
I feel a tear in my eye
Or
A salty drop swells in my eye

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, SPELLING, DICTION:*Pencil*

"This token you give
coming from the heart
has opened the emotions..."
*Right*I believe "give" should be 'gave'. And who's heart? I suggest changing "the" to 'your'. And who's emotions? I suggest changing "the" to my"
This token you gave
sent from your heart
has opened my emotions...

"My beloved Mickey
no longer is here."..."Then you came along,"
*Right*This is confusing. The wording suggests that Mickey passed away, yet the word "then" suggests that after the passing he came and gave you an award. I would consider fixing this.


"decorated the poem,
with an award of which I am fond."
*Right*No comma is needed after "poem".

OVERALL:

*Right*There are a lot of uncertainties in the poem. I am not certain what the token was. Was the personal piece a piece from the speaker or from Mickey? Is this poem speaking of one or two poems? Are you writing about this poem?

*Right*I like the hearts above the first stanza. It is really appropriate for the poem. I suggest centering the poem for more effect.



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Review of Captain  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Right*Hi Dayna. I was just perusing through your port and found this gem. I just had to leave a review.

TITLE:
*Right*I like the title "Captain" it fits the poem well. However, I suggest adding something to it like 'My Captain' or 'The Captain' or 'A Captain'. "Captain" so vague. But it's just a suggestion.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Right*My first impression of the poem was inspiration. I found the metaphors very appealing and logical. The word choice was superb. I was inspired by each word.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*I really liked the ending "I'm the only hero that I need". That is so true. We need to look to our selves for strength and wisdom. All people are endowed with special gifts, if only we would recognize them.

*Right*I also liked the first stanza. You are the captain; You are the Master. Yet, the ship may be leaking and the house may be creaking. Brilliant. You are in control even though things might not be working out as they should. You admit your mistakes and move on with your life.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*


*Right*I really liked the rhyme. "On" and "Sitcom" are not true rhymes but it is close enough. The rhythm and flow are good.


*Pencil*LINE-BY-LINE EDIT:*Pencil*

what i've learned along the way?
*Right* This is not a question. Taking the contraction out it says "What I have learned along the way" Therefore you need to put 'have' before 'I' in order for this verse to be a question.
What have I learned along the way?


*Right*I noticed that every "i'm" and "i" is lowercased. Why is that? I suggest changing each "i'm" to I'm and each "i" to I. Poetically, the lowercase makes it seem as though you think little of yourself.


"not to follow , but to lead"
*Right*I suggest omitting this comma. If you are wanting to pause here I suggest using a em dash (created by typing ALT 0151)
not to follow but to lead
OR
not to follow—but to lead


*Right*I would consider using punctuation since you are using the question mark and period in the last stanza. It is best to be consistent when it comes to punctuation. I also think it will flow better. It would be easy. The first four stanzas would include: Comma, semi colon, coma, period. And the fifth: comma, period, question mark, period.


OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, I think this is an empowering piece of literature. It gives no room for blame. We are who we are because of our own choices and actions. We will become who we will because of our own decisions. It is so true. This message needs to be spread to children graduating high school and college. I wish I would have read this years ago. I wasted many years blaming others for my problems when I should have been looking at myself.

*Right*This poem expresses that the sky is the limit when we realize we are in control. But the journey to the sky doesn't come without failure and misfortune. But whatever comes our way we can always look to our hero and pick ourselves back up. For we know that we can do it and no one can stop us.

Thanks for sharing this gem.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Incredibly hilarious and so true! I think I'll be buying shoes for my next purchase of underware. *Smile* You should name this Bras and Speed bumps. Ha. "Gravity is a cruel mistress" So true are your words. Thanks for the great read.

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37
Review of Kunti  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided. Remember you are the author of this work, and only you know what is best suited for your work.


TITLE:
*Right*I'm not sure about the title, "Kunti". It is too broad in my opinion. I think the title should be something like 'Kunti's Secret' or Kunti's Mantra" for clarity.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Right*This is a poem about a powerful secret the girl, Kunti, wished she'd hadn't heard.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:

*Right*"I was a girl / With a little secret trapped inside"..."I am a secret / With a little girl trapped inside," The beginning and the ending are great.

*Right*I liked how you portrayed the secret by visually changing the format.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*No set meter or rhyme. The poem flows ok.

*Right*Good use of alliteration

*Pencil*LINE-BY-LINE EDIT:*Pencil*

"She took it in her arms,"
*Right*The poem is written in 1st person. This line changes to third. According to pattern it should read:
I took it in my arms,

*Right*However, I suggest writing the first part in third person. And the second part in first person. See next comment.

*Right*Since you changed the format for the secret, I suggest giving a voice to the secret.
So I, the secret grew...Till I was satisfied...While tormenting...I became formless...Having hardened...So now, you see, / I am a secret...


*Right*Example
She was a girl
With a little secret trapped inside,
Begging to be let out.

She stayed silent as stone
For voice would give it immortality;
And words would only
Catch it, capture it, crystallize its edges.

Let it remain a hazy wisp;
She'd bury it deeper and deeper,
Till it might not have
Ever even existed at all.

But time did not suffocate her secret;
Time did not snuff it out.
She took it in her arms,
Cradling, crooning, caressing it fondly.

Her traitorous thoughts, her disloyal dreams
Would not let it go.
They turned it over,
Swarming , Swimming, snaking around it.

  So I, the secret grew

   Stronger,   Sharper

      Starker

  Livid

      Larger than life

   Till I was satisfied, sated

       Settled.

  While she is tormented;   tossing

               twisting,

     The formless,

             formidable fury

    Having hardened into bars-

          Icicles-

       Whose coldness clasp a gaze.

 

 I am a secret.

 With a little girl trapped inside,

      

      Begging to be let out.




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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
38
38
Review of Strawberry  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Special Power Reviewers review


Comments:


Hi eyestar I'm just dropping by to review a poem of yours. I like the title "Stawaberry". It is very fitting.

The lanterne form is a little off because the first verse/word is not centered with the rest of the verses. It is standing all alone. You might want to fix that.

Other than the technical error, I see nothing else wrong with the poem. I think you did a good job at your first attempt at a Lanterne poem. *Smile*

I am glad I got to read this poem of yours.




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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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39
Review of What you left.  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Poem a Day review


The Prompt
No Prompt

Comments:


This is a very good poem. Though there is no meter, you use punctuation in a manner that makes the poem flow well.

The first thing that I look at as a reader is the title. Why does the title have a period? "What you left." I suggest omitting the period. The second thing I noticed was the entire poem is in quotes. This made me wonder if you were quoting another persons work. I suggest omitting the quotes, they are not needed and are awkward. The poem is not a dialogue. If it were you would need to have a tag.

Overall, I really thought this was a great poem. My favorite line was "I would never leave him in replace of a stone." The imagery there is profound. It stops you in your tracks and makes you think of a little boy growing up without a mother.

I am so glad I got to read this. I think with just a few tweaks to this poem this can be an outstanding piece.

Thank you for entering the A Poem a Day contest. I hope you keep sharing your work. You have a talent.




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"A Poem A Day Contest " 
40
40
Review of To Let You Go  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided. Remember you are the author of this work, and only you know what is best suited for your work.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Right* This is a Shakespearean Sonnet about love.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*The meter and the rhyme is outstanding. You applied the traditional iambic pentameter with ease.

"But even to this day I love you so
So much that I shall dare to let you go"
*Right*This ending is profound. When we love someone, we only want to be with that person. Yet, when we love someone we want what is best for that person. You have eloquently described the pain that occurs when one lets another go in the name of love.

SUGGESTIONS:

I usually have suggestions, however, I have none for this poem. I think the wording is great. The imagery is there. The formatting is perfect. The emotion is felt. No spelling errors.

OVERALL:

*Right*This poem is a great Shakespearean Sonnet. It begins with the sadness of a broken heart. Then, it turns to the "artificial bliss" of desire. And finally, the realization that he must give her up. This is a great love story.



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41
41
Review of Gravity  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an amazing piece this is!*Inlove*

Atom to atom, the force of attraction, the force of gravity, it is all in the name of love. Whose love? God's love. We are because of Him. His love for us makes the world go round. It makes the currents flow in the massive oceans. It makes the vapors condense into rain clouds which feed our streams. His love attracts.

Beautiful and insightful poem!

Thank you for sharing

Itchy Water
"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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Review of A Frozen Winter  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided. Remember you are the author of this work, and only you know what is best suited for your work.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Right*This is a great example of a Shakespearean Sonnet.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*I loved the ending. We always want what we can't or don't have. Once gone she wishes for the beauty she overlooked, as she focused on the pain the cold months brought.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil*GRAMMAR/TONE/RHYME:*Pencil*

*Right*The rhythm of the poem is supurb!

"My soul has made my body icy stones,"
*Right*This comma should be a period or semicolon

"The grip it holds me with won’t let me free,
It bears its icy claws into my skin."
*Right*These are two separte sentence. I suggest changing "It bears" to 'bearing', or putting a period between the sentences
The grip it holds me with won't let me free,
Bearing its icy claws into my skin.

"Instead I cleanse my body and my soul"
*Right*Need a comma after "Instead"
Instead, I clease my body and my soul

"Rebirth and purifying makes us whole"
*Right*The word "Rebirth" should be 'Rebirthing' for the verbs to be in agreement. Also, a period or semicolon is needed at the end if the verse.
Rebirthing and purifying makes us whole.

"The spring has come to warm my frosty limbs"
*Right*This verse needs a comma at the end.

*Right*The rhyme is good throughout; however, there are two different parts that don't rhyme.
         *Right*First, the words "free" and "monotony" don't rhyme because the last stressed syllable for "monotony" is the "o" in 'tony'. A word that rhymes with monotony is botony. Some words for free are three, sea, degree, enrollee.
         *Right*Next, the words "limbs" and "miss" don't rhyme because of the stressed consonants in "limbs" make a different sound than that of "miss". Some words that rhyme with "limbs" are swims, rims, dims. Some words that rhyme with "miss" are abyss, dismiss, kiss, bliss. Do you see the difference? I hope this helps.

*Pencil* STORY: *Pencil*

"My soul has made my body icy stones,"..."It bears its icy claws into my skin."
*Right*I wonder if your "soul" has made your body into "icy stones" or if the "icy claws" have made you into "icy stones"

"And fear the warmth will never let me in."
*Right*This line is confusing. Where do you fear the warmth won't let you in at? The Spring time? Or, do you mean you fear your body will not let the warmth in?

"I feel compressed by life’s monotony"
*Right*I don't understand the context of this statement. It seems out of place.

*Right*It is in my opinion that since spring time makes you whole with "rebirth" and purification, the poem needs to mention how winter makes you feel unwhole, etc. Otherwise the "baptism", "youth" "sacramental truth" and so on sounds like a separate poem, there needs more to connect the two parts of the poem. --Only my humble opinion.

OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, I think you have a good poem here. The structure is great. I think there is room for improvement. But that can be done with a little editing.

Thank you for sharing this poem. Keep on writing, you have a talant.


Itchy Water
"A Poem A Day Contest " 
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Review of The Last Pages  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from Itchy Water. The advice provided are only the opinions of one person. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided. Remember you are the author of this work, and only you know what is best suited for your work.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: This is a free verse poem with layers of different meanings.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*I really liked the poem as a whole. I found the various meanings intriguing.

"Through your saintly or ungodly days…"
*Right*The whole poem seemed to be centered around morals. There is always someone to guide you towards righteousness, and there is always someone to guide you towards ungodliness. "Failure, frustration, and losing" can be a good thing when you are being guided into "ungodly days"

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil*GRAMMAR/SPELLING:*Pencil*

"Failure, frustration, and losing –
The deathly and volatile signs assured of those
Most consumed by their ambivalence, prejudice, and pride –
Depend rather heavily on the poor judgment of their victims…"
*Right*I suggest changing "Depend" to 'Depends'.
*Right*I noticed you used en dashes on the 1st and 3rd verses. In poetry, for long pauses, you should use an em dash, not the en dash. Sounds confusing I know. Some computer programs will automatically create the em dash when you make two en dashes together, however most programs wont. So to create an em dash hold down the ALT key and type 0151.
*Right*In this first stanza the third person is used when the word "those" and "their" is used. However, you change to first person later in the poem, using the word "you". I suggest sticking with the first person throughout the poem.
"Failure, frustration, and losing —
The deathly and volatile signs that are
Most consumed by your ambivalence, prejudice, and pride —
Depends rather heavily on the poor judgment of your victims . . .

"Never learn too quickly or play too loosely;
Apply grace, wisdom, and flexible strategies
To gain one’s proper acceptance and acknowledgment"
*Right*Something needs to be added to the words "learn" "play" "Apply". It's up to you as the writer, but it can be an 's' or 'ing' or 'ed'.
Never learning too quickly or playing too loosely;
Applying grace, wisdom, and flexible strategies
Or
Never learns too quickly or plays too loosely;
Applies grace wisdom, and flexible strategies

"This will earn you the respect of those"
*Right*The tense changes here by using the words "will earn".
This earns you the respect of those

"This will earn you the respect of those
Wise and candid business folks
Whose sporty brokering and enticing mettle
You shall depend on most to guide you
Through your saintly or ungodly days…"
*Right* I suggest a comma after "folks".
*Right*These first two verses are confusing. "You shall depend on most" is not clear in this context.
This will earn you the respect of those
Wise and candid business folks,
Whose sporty brokering and enticing mettle
You shall be dependent upon for their guidance
Through your saintly or ungodly days. . .

*Pencil* STORY: *Pencil*

*Right*Throughout the poem the POV and tense changes.


OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, I think this is a fascinating poem. It reminds me of my days working in office environment. It also it reminds me of the everyday struggle to do right.

*Right*This poem has true depth. The meaning may not be easily seen on the surface, but if you dig into this poem and cause yourself to think about the office, bowling and life, then this poem will serve as a true treasure.

Thank you for sharing this poem. Write on!


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Review of War and Peace  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water. The advice provided are only the opinions of one person. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided. Remember you are the author of this work, and only you know what is best suited for your work.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Right*This is a modern Villanelle poem.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*The Aba/aba/aba/aba/aba/abaa structure is upheld with fluidity.

"Despite the selfish spirit I abhor
I yearn to hear elusive songs of peace
Surrounded in this world of constant war."
*Right*This verse is so telling of our inner devils we war with, and the opposing peace we crave. This is wonderfully stated.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil*GRAMMAR/SPELLING:*Pencil*

"Despite the selfish spirit I abhor
I yearn to hear elusive songs of peace"
*Right*Two commas are needed.
Despite the selfish spirit I abhor,
I yearn to hear elusive songs of peace,

"Discouraged, we continue to police
Confounded by a world of constant war."
*Right*A comma is needed.
Discouraged, we continue to police,
Confounded by a world of constant war.

"There must be still some undiscovered shore
Where hope can find a modicum of peace
*Right*One period and two commas needed.
There must be, still, some undiscovered shore
Where hope can find a modicum of peace.

"Surrounded by a world of constant war
A tainted human flaw I must endure."
*Right*Comma after needed after "war". I suggest using one between "flaw" and "I" for emphasis.
Surrounded by a world of constant war,
A tainted human flaw, I must endure.

*Pencil* STORY: *Pencil*

*Right*None

OVERALL:

*Right*The title "War and Peace" is a great choice for this poem.

*Right*The poem speaks loud and clear, We are a people of war. But at the same time, We are a people who seek peace. You bring to light the two conflicting ideas embeded into our beings.

Great Job! Thanks for sharing and write on.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! Thanks for sharing this weath of information.
46
46
Review of Fear  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
This is a review by Itchy Water. This is only the opinion of one person. All of the advice provided is given to assist and in a positive manner. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided below.


WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right* I can feel the emotions of the poet. The poem seems as though the poet is writing from his heart.

*Right*"fear herself more than the killings in the street" a great analogy of what fear can do to a person, how fear of oneself can change their whole outlook on life.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil*GRAMMAR/SPELLING:*Pencil*

"she fear herself more than the killings in the street"
*Right*This is a great line but "fear" and "street" both need an 's' on the end
she fears herself more than the killings in the streets

Ayla .K. Jones?
*Right*First, the period before the "K" is a typo. Secondly, the question mark is misplaced. If you are wanting to pause here, put an ellipses.
Ayla K. Jones . . .
OR just
Ayla K. Jones
where are you?

Invited a fake Ayla to take her place,for now
*Right*This verse doesn't make sense.
Invited in a fake, Ayla, to take her place, for now

What about the real Ayla.......
*Right*This is a question. A question mark is needed, not ellipses.

If she doesn't love herself...what makes you think she love you?
*Right*A great thought here but again, an ellipses is used where it shouldn't be. Here a comma is nessecary. Also, a word missing " you think she love you" doesn't make sense.
If she doesn't love herself, what makes you think she can love you?

I believe she tried of trying to make herself into the person she wish so hard to be
*Right*Little things can change the meaning of a sentence. The way the sentence is written now does not make sense. But I think I know what you are saying.
I believe she is tired of trying to make herself into the person she wished so hard to be

If she don't know know who she is
*Right*This is just wrong.
If she doesn't know now who she is

*Right*Puncutation is needed in this poem. It is used sporatically and incorrectly. For instance, there is an ellipses but there are too many dots. Also, at the end of the poem there are 7 question marks when only one is necessary.

*Pencil* STORY: *Pencil*

"love life friends family"
*Right*The description doesn't fit the poem

*Right*The story is hard to understand because of the grammatical errors. These must be fixed in order for a reader to understand the storyline.

OVERALL:
*Right*I believe that this poem has some good depth to it, however the depth is hard for the reader to understand because of the grammatical errors.

*Right* I believe that is can be fixed into an a great poem. I want to read about someone who fears themself more that the killings in the street. I want to know what happens.


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write on!
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Review of The Box of Toys  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review by Itchy Water. This is only the opinion of one person. You have the option of respectfully accepting or rejecting any and all of the advice in this review. The review is written with honesty and positivity.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*I enjoyed reading this poem because it made me think of my grandparents. My brother and I had a box of toys at their home. Once we grew older the box went into their attic. This story is so true to most families.


SUGGESTIONS:
*Right*"Left to play by doting parents,"
This is just a suggestion
Left to play from their doting parents

*Right*"While our hostess serves some tea,"
I'm not sure that the word "our" is correct here
While the perfect hostess serves some tea,

*Right*"Both boy and girl’s friends carefree."
This verse is very awkward and I'm not sure what it means. The word "both" indicate two. The phrase "boy and girl's friends" is not clear.
Both boys and girls play so carefree.

*Right*"This wife and mom must object"
Again, like the word "our", the word "this" does not sound right here
The wife and mom must object

*Right* To be honest, the fourth stanza breaks the flow of the poem. The way it is written sounds as though it was written to make words rhyme, there is no imagery here. Perhaps it has been over revised?



OVERALL:
*Right*I liked the concept of the poem. The imagery was good with the exception of the fourth stanza. I think it is a good poem but could use just a little more revising.

Thank you for sharing
Itchy Water
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48
Review of Stop  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review by Itchy Water. It is only the opinion of one person. You can respectfully accept or reject any and all of the advice given below. All reviews are written with honesty and positivity.

WHAT I LIKED MOST:
*Right*The reader could really feel the angst in the girl. I also liked the usage of the words stop and start to express the level of simplicity the girl is wanting. She wants all of the unnessecary chaos and noise to stop, and desires only a helpful, uplifting world.


SUGGESTIONS:

*Right*"Stop with judging, / And criticizing. "
Stop your judging. / Stop your criticising OR
Stop with the judging. / Stop with the criticising


*Right* "Stop with your vain words. / And pretending,"
Stop with the vain words. / Stop the pretending


*Right*You probably wrote 'and' to break up the lines beginning with 'stop'. I think each that verb should start with 'Stop'. You should break up the lines by adding why they need to be stopped. For example:

Stop with the judging
We all have our faults
Stop with the criticising
We are who we are
Stop with the vain words
Words that clog our ears
Stop the pretending
Do you even know who you are



*Right*"Stop thinking we're fine,"
This line does not make sense. You later say:
"Stop making us think we, ourselves are not okay."



*Right*At first I thought you were talking about politics, then as I read on I became unsure as to who you were talking about. The FCC? You need to make it clear as to who you are talking about. Who is it that"push us around"?


*Right*"The girl solemnly whispers to the world."
I might not be correct here, but I believe this line contradicts the beginning of the poem and the tone of the poem. In the beginning I imagined a girl with her hands raised above her symbolically speaking.
" The gentle hands
Softly speak to the world,
Raised far above her head,"
And the tone is so forceful, I wouldn't use the term"whispers."


OVERALL:
*Right*I enjoyed reading your poem. I think it needs some work. There is so much passion in the poem already, any changes can only make it better.

Itchy Water
49
49
Review of Vanishing  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice poem with interesting thought and great imagery
50
50
Review of Absence of Time  
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The difference between a good poet and a great poet is the great poet is willing to revise his work.

This revision is great. I, personally, like the ebb and flow of your diction; however, there may be some that don't.

The story flows now. I can feel the hypnotic waves as they take me out of the "hear and now" bringing me into a worriless void, then the sand waking me up to 'reality'.

I am honored that my review was useful to you.
Itchywater

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