To: Annwid
Re: Annie and the Small Cabin in Canada

Format:

A bit of advice:
Create more paragraphs,
and take care to add space between the paragraphs.
This will make your story more inviting and
easier to read.

Descriptions:

While this story is intriguing, and I found
myself in its grip quickly, I noticed that
your descriptions are sometimes
repetitive and distracting. I understand how tempting it is
to repeat what Annie looks like. However,
when your readers travel from line to line,
they will find it distracting to see you repeat
your use of "small" and "tiny"
approximately 6 times. Once you've
established that Annie and her hands
are small, and her eyes are blue, there is no need to repeat
these descriptions.

Repairs Needed: You'll find these are quick fixes !

You write: The red embers of the fire inside were stating to go dim
Correction: "stating" should be starting.
You write: "she already regeted her decision"
Correction: "regeted" should be regretted
You describe: "long, soft, black hair"
Correction: Do you think long black hair is sufficient ?
You write: "hair gently fell down behind her"
Question: is this description important ? If you want to keep
it, how about: her hair slipped down below her shoulders ?
You write: "She Cursed as the heavy iron door gave.."
Correction: "Cursed" should be cursed.
You write: "shivering off the cold before settled"
Correction: how about: shivering off the cold before settling
under the covers ?
You write: "loosen the cover's"
Correction: loosen the covers
You write: "Yes, She was thankful she had the pastor of her church that took her in and took care of her when an accident had took the lives of her parents 4 years ago"
Correction: Yes, she was grateful for the church's pastor. He took her in, and
he took care of her when an accident took the lives of her parents four years ago.
Final corrections. How about: While the community gave her work so she could make money to survive, it just wasn't enough.
You write: "Someday, someone was going to take care of her."
How about eliminating this line ? You talk about finding someone to
take care of you a couple of times. What do you think ?

In closing:

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter in this story.
Before placing your chapters or stories in your portfolio to be
read and reviewed, take a few minutes to make sure you
trim the descriptions that are repetitive.
The goal is to become your own best critic.

In the meantime, if you make changes, I will
rewrite your review and bump up the number of
stars attached to your story. Be sure to let
me know if you want a rewrite.

Thank you for introducing Annie
and her dilemma, Ann.

GabriellaR45

To: Andrea
Re: A Sky Full of Stars, Part II

Having reviewed Part 1, I am delighted to see there is a sequel.
This piece opens up the potential for dreams come true for these true loves.
I have to admit, I am a sucker for love, and this is lovely
and romantic. The question of the day is: will there be a
Part 3 ?? These two romantics must find
each other.

This chapter is well written, clear, and compelling, Andrea.
Thanks for sharing this lovely story with us.

All the best,

Gab

To: Bobby
Re: The Day We Met

A warm welcome to Writing.Com, Bobby. I hope you're
finding your way around this bustling writer's forum.

This is a good story, Bobby. I enjoyed reading every word !

I know Jaspar has just arrived in a new town where everything
is new and strange. It's clear his first day raced by quickly.
In his haste to report on his first day, he jotted down
the news as to how he fared quickly. He decided
he'd clean up his story when he had a little time, perhaps
after dinner. These are the errors he discovered. I'm sure
he will have fun repairing this otherwise good story.

Jaspar's repairs:

Jaspar: "I woke up this morning still agitated by the fact we had to move"
Correction: I woke up this morning, still agitated that we had to move.
Jaspar: "My mother was a doctor." Should read: My Mother is a doctor.
Jaspar: "You don't want to be later for the first day of school"
Correction: You don't want to be late for the first day of school.
Jaspar: "told my mom bye and got out of the car. "
Correction: I said "goodbye" and got out of the car.
Jaspar: "I has started to grow board of just sitting in one spot and was getting ready to head home."
Correction: I was feeling bored sitting in one spot, so I decided to go home.
Jaspar:""I knew you looked familiar!" Said Alexis as I exited to store"
Correction: When I opened the door, Alexis said: "I knew you looked familiar."
Jaspar: "but I was also exited to have her on mine."
Correction: I was excited to have her on mine.

This story has a wonderful future in the making, Bobby.
One other suggestion: make a space between paragraphs.
This will make the story easier to read.
Car, bike, and truck lovers will love this story, Bobby !
How fortunate Jaspar is to have met a lovely young woman who is encouraging
and enthusiastic on his first day in Wimberley.

I look forward to reading your next chapter.
Nice work, Bobby !

To: Laeril
Re: Going Fishing

A warm welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're
finding your way around this bustling writer's
forum without too much trouble. If you're looking
for a place to hang your hat for a while, try the
Newbie Academy--a great source of guidance
and support for new members.

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Re "Go Fish" you tell a good story, Laeril.
This one is touching and a treat to read. Needless to say,
your clever response to Ryan's request for a certain
Scripture Mastery is the high point of your tale.
This one is bound to go down in your family history.
In addition to this tale, you share some important information
about yourself. It is nice to know you, Leril.

Best of luck with your writing. I look forward
to returning to read more soon.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

To: Netty
Re: The Gift of God

This is a lovely poem
written to introduce
the concept and
importance of a greater
power:

Stanza 1:
"The Grip of God
a moment of his
holiness rise above
my soul to commune
with him every day."

A suggested repair:
"rise" should be rises.

Stanza 2:
The Grip of God,
a moment of truth's
that abide in my heart.

A suggested repair:
Consider writing:
The Grip of God,
A moment of truth
that abides in my heart.

Stanza 3:
The Grip of God
call's to wordship
as the stars and universe
commune with his spirit above
the heavens.
(a lovely stanza)

Stanza 4:
The Grip of God
Let's abiding spirit of his love kept and to be found
in me, and is kept in his loving arms.
Suggested Fix:
May the abiding spirit of his love be sent to me
from his loving arms.

Thanks so much for your inspiration, Netty.
All the best,

GabriellaR45

/

To: SkyFall
Re: Miniscule

A warm welcome to you, SkyFall. I hope you're enjoying your first
few weeks here on Writing.Com.

Riding around in a sub beneath the water sounds exciting, SkyFall !
Your descriptions of the sights you see outside the front windows of the sub are excellent.

I have to admit, after reading your story twice, I couldn't figure out if the eel was killed or something happened to the sub ? I hope you'll continue on to build on this story. It has real potential.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45

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To: Chris Breva
Re: Christmas Tree

This story is an exceptional one !
I decided to share it rather than critique it.
After all, we're celebrating the Christmas
season with this wonderful story.
I won't give away the story's ending.

This is a touching story in the old Christmas tradition,
celebrating the spirit of the season.
It centers around a very special
Christmas tree yearning to be purchased as the
few days before Christmas come and go without a sale.

Your story is masterfully written.
And, you capture the spirit of Christmas beautifully.
It's not surprising, this story has been nominated for a Quill Award.
(Pssst:I love the ending !!)

Thanks for sharing your Christmas Story with us.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

To: Jacky
Re: Turtle

Your story:

This is a delightful story, Jacky ! Your turtle is a determined fellow.
I can't imagine a flying turtle.
How fortunate that he noticed the stone wall.
He managed to climb up the rocks with relative ease.

I particularly enjoyed:

"Finally, he got on top of the wall! As he sat there, exhausted, he looked out over the woods. He could see home, he could see everything! He felt good, and all thoughts of flying had completely disappeared. Turtle had just found rock climbing!"

Thanks for sharing your delightful tale, Jacky.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

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To: Ska Rhodes
Re: Search

Welcome:

A warm welcome to you Ska Rhodes ! I hope you're enjoying this enriching writer's forum ! If you are looking for a group to help you navigate and learn, take a few minutes to check out this program.

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Having found this piece on Writing.Com's "Review a Newbie," I'm
getting ready to don my space suit to share your journey.

Before I dive in to your story, I have a suggestion for you, one I think you might want to consider. This glorious piece has been written with almost no paragraph breaks. I found myself getting bleary-eyed trying to read this large block of words. I suggest you go through this piece to break it down so the paragraphs are smaller and separated from the one another. This is a wonderful opportunity to draw attention to your writing.

Re your story: the dialogue is helpful. We learn that this 16-year-old
is making his way around a new planet, one that was only able to accommodate a small portion of earth's inhabitants. We don't know what happened to the rest of earth's population. I hope you are planning to write the next chapter to this story. This is a good beginning. Exploring a new planet has lots of potential. I look forward to reading more. Until then, I love the "The Charleston Chatters."

All the best,

GabriellaR45

To: Jeff
Re: Brooke

I found this tribute to Brooke in W.Com's "Read and Review." While this was written 7 years ago, I'm sure you'd say Brooke is the same person today as the wonderful, mult-talented woman you described many years ago.

I admire Brooke, and agree W.Com wouldn't be the same without her. She works hard to produce glorious challenges. Speaking for myself, I look at her writing a fair amount as a source of inspiration. You're right, she can write about anything, and, she never comes up short.

Thanks for this lovely piece, Jeff. I hope it remains in "Read and Review" for others to enjoy over time.

All the best,

Gab

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To: Winnie
Re: A Father's Love

This poem is beautiful, heart wrenching, and moving.
I found your note beneath the poem explaining your tribute.
While the poem doesn't reveal how this young woman died,
your note answers the question that every reader is
left with. I am stunned and saddened for you and
your brother. I hope they found the individual who
took her life.

Finally, and equally important, what a wonderful
transition you made from banker to writer.
While I chose this poem to read and review, I
read more of your work, and am happy to relay
what a treat it has been to visit your portfolio.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful work with us,

GabriellaR45

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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To: Writing Walter
Re: Is That Love

I found this poem on W.Com's "Read and Review."

While I stopped to read this poem, I must admit,
I couldn't stop until I read your other poems
about love. I notice that you stopped writing in 2015.
I hope this doesn't mean you've given up on love.
As for this poem, I believe love is what works
for the people involved. I worry a bit that you
put your own needs aside for the love of your life.
Sometimes it's good for the other half to be in
the spotlight. At the same time, it's important that
the relationship isn't built around sacrificing at
your expense. I'm not sure that is a good way to
build a healthy relationship. Ok, so I said to each
his own. What works for you and your partner is
what is best.

Thank you for sharing your thought-provoking poem.
You tell us about yourself in the poems you write about
your romance. Your love for this woman is beautiful,
unpretentious, and unguarded.

All the best,

GabriellaR45
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