Random review. Overall, good job. Idea or concept is clear. I have a few comments, which you may of course disregard.
Just for looks sake, the font of the last line is different. You might want to adjust that to be the same.
Two words tripped me up. I looked them up before commenting. The first is erotical. You used it correctly. It means the same as erotic but is considered archaic. If it suits the rhythm you were going after, then it passes the test.
The next one was "fiery". That is always an adjective, but it's used here as a noun. Maybe you meant fury or it was just a typo.
I love it. It looks good. There are no glaring errors. It's a fair treatment of a love that didn't work out.
It shows the author has accepted the reality. There are hopes for the future. It's realistic, romantic, but practical. Both parties are moving on with no hard feelings or animosities.
I say good job.
I found you in a random review. This is a difficult topic you're handling, looking from inside the dysfunction, not on the outside.Your writing form is fine- no misspelled words or questionable grammar.
The reader (me) can't tell if this is from personal experience or from someone close or textbook. But "she" comes across as very unhappy, and further has the burden of other's judgment. There's a little of the attitude of "I don't want to be saved. I don't want to change." The attitude that clinging to what is known is better than what is not known. She wants it to be simple and to feel simple love and acceptance.
You do a great job capturing the myriad emotions, fears, and needs. They ring true. Someone looking on from outside can't understand; he just doesn't get it. But to the one going through the emotional roller coaster, it's all very real.
Keep putting these ideas in words. I'm sure you'll reach a lot of people.
Random review:
Your poem certainly provides food for thought.It is well-written.
Please do not take offense. The only place I had a problem was the last stanza. "you are very strong" seems too much of a contrast to the first line of that stanza. Maybe "you can be strong" or "you do belong". If they are already strong, they don't need any coaching. It just seemed like you were trying to be encouraging to someone who isn't very strong. Maybe I misinterpreted.
Overall, it's well done, a gentle prodding of the thought process. Keep up the good work.
First, it was a good, but sad story. I appreciate the display of emotion and regret shown in the piece. This disappointing experience taught some things that you shared with us.
I could offer some technical things. "I've always..." sounds like it's still going on. But as I read, I saw that the dog is not with you any more. "I had wanted" would be more appropriate, because it's a past event. You don't need the word always, since you've already stated the time frame at the beginning of the sentence.
In the second paragraph, maybe "let out" would be better than "left out". They have different meanings. A question mark is needed after "what could I do". I would drop "And" and start the next sentence with "After". When we talk, we throw in words like that, but when we write, we try to make it more succinct.
I like it. The singer recognizes that his head may be in the clouds, he's not overly confident of his girlfriend's feelings, but he's willing to make a commitment and a big change in his life. Even though it's not a real young man, looking "back on" his life, someone in their 20's could still relate. It's romantic; what woman doesn't want to believe she's turned a man's heart and life around? It has universal appeal.
Apparently, you've just posted and haven't had time to edit. But this is so good, I want to comment.
It's spellbinding and keeps the reader on the edge of the seat. Yes, it's dark, but the mix of the present and the past is wonderful. What you try to do here is great. It's very intense, but the end isn't a foregone conclusion. As I read, I kept thinking someone could step in and save him in time. I like that you mention the echoed thought for nearly a decade, We know it's been a long suffering, not just a recent drama.
The trouble I found was in the lack of editing, a wrong verb tense or a missing word. I had to stop and try to decipher your meaning. For instance, the "first slides"--was that the first batch of papers that slid? Something seems missing. "I praying..." seems to be missing a word or has a wrong word. The line with the vampire isn't quite clear either. near the end, "I who has nothing"--should that be have?
Very good material, just needs a little editing. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to more from you.
I caught this in a random review. It looks like you just did it less than two hours ago before the review system brought it up. There is still some editing to do, like "too" instead of "to" near the end. Verb tenses are inconsistent. Nothing you couldn't handle with a little close reading with the eye of a teacher.
Other than that, you use stark imagery and pack it with powerful emotions. I get the feeling that this really is just the beginning, and you have a lot still to come. But the tone is a little petulant, and the thoughts get a little disorganized. Again, just some reading and editing would clean it up. It shows a lot of promise.
Keep at what you've started. Stay with it, but just do a little editing along the way.
Nicely written. Clean, no errors. However, some lines start with capital letters, some don't.
It is very funny. We have someone in the house who would eat watermelon all year if possible. So I can relate to your story. Good job.
I like that this is so geographically specific, yet so universal in its appeal. It vividly reminds us that the same sun rises and sets on everyone; the same sky appears above us all, In very concise words, you have extolled the common experiences of mankind. Good job.
Full of hope, this poem does not give up on mankind, Options are offered to grief and war.
The next to the last line starts with "than". I believe it should be "then".
Nice rhyme, consistent rhythm. Good job.
This is a random review.
Very cute. Many can relate to a dog that stole their hearts.
Maybe the title should be called biography instead of autobiography. Auto would imply that the dog tells the story not the owner. Something to consider.
Good job. It's simple and direct.
Good thinking questions. Just a few suggestions:
erd verse "We who know" no S at end of know.
3rd verse naybe "those who are above us" -- are versus our
4th verse, maybe a comma between wear and what for a pause.
Nice progression in thought.
A very bold story. This sounds real (this website has both real and fictional accounts); if so, it takes courage to admit the error of your ways. You don't say whether you've cleaned up your life and are now on a straight path.
Assuming this is all true, you have a great story to share with other people to help them avoid the same problems or to get help when they find themselves in the same environment. You'll want your writing to be as clean and presentable as possible.There are a few grammar and spelling issues. Emotion sort of clouds up what you're trying to say, so the organization could be a little better. That's okay. You can always go back and edit as much as you want.
It sounds as though it may be cathartic right now for you to just write, to get your thoughts on paper. Let a few weeks go by, then re-read it from the perspective of an English teacher. You'll see things you missed the first time. Then edit. Edit again a month later. You have a story worth telling. It will take a while to polish it.
I love reading about famous people. You brought a lot of good facts to us. I did notice one typo: Durch Guiana should be Dutch. Keep telling the truth about your heroes.
A beautiful story. So real. Not at all contrived. Very well done.
Only one little oversight. After he meets Erica, there is an apostrophe s behind his name, like you started to say something else and changed your mind. "Ralf's felt his cheeks..."
This story is bound to touch people in that eventually we know someone facing their own mortality, if not our own.
Well written, good form. I think we all can idetify in some ways with the feelings in the poem, whatever our age or experience. It touches on universal emotions.
Nicely done, very appealing. It does have a spiritual quality. It reminds me of the earth being "void and without form", and yet out of that darkness came all creation in full technicolor.
Your grammar, structure, and punctuation are perfect. Good form.
You make the story interesting. I think you're right about the film. My ex-husband smoked. I constantly cleaned the walls, the appliances, everything! There was a film all through the house, including the bathrooms. I worried about my lungs.
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