This is a good personal exercise to expand your abilities. The first two are just rhyme and for fun. The lines start to grow in depth as you go along.
Keep putting pen to paper (or keep typing). Just getting something in front of you is the place to start. Great things may grow out of it. Good early effort.
Wonderful poem. I love it. I had to look up dijeridus, a new word for me. It makes sounds and can be used for worship.
Once I taught missions to preschoolers. We studied a tropical location and some missionaries there. They painted a beautiful scene for the children (& adults) of a thatch roof, dirt floor, no walls, tree trunks for columns. The music was made by drums, fashioned of gourds and animal skins. The pews were tree trunks sawed in half. The children giggled and smiled at the pastor, a local man, while the balmy breezes blew about them. What a wonderful picture of worship in an exotic environment. Churches are not just white or brick in a certain architecture with padded seats. And music isn't just piano or organ. You've done an excellent job of emphasizing the adaptability of worshippers. Mankind and all of nature were created for worship!
Great job. I'm going to read it aloud in church first chance I get!
Very cleanly written. A compelling story of manners, so far. The only thing I would question is in the story itself, not the writing. The "rumor" doesn't seem substantial. It's very general, and not just financial or political or social. Ant the mother doesn't question it enough, like who said it, in what way? She'd want more details.
It's more interesting about the two friends who are now master and servant. It will be interesting to see how that works out, or if it does. It can go in many directions.
Saw this in the Newsfeed.
It was very helpful. I can't say what exactly triggered it, but I made a decision about something I've been tinkering with for two years. I realized I need some major changes in approaching it and getting the reader "inside" it. So thanks a bunch.
Well-written and informative.
Pumpkin
Great poem. Really enjoyed it.
Well written. Most of us had good childhoods. Even the sad moments are sweet and precious to us now. I liked the photo you used with it, too.
A random review -
Very poetic prose.
It goes from a sea of black to a river of blood to a sea of flowers. There is the starkness, the tragedy intermingled with the scent of summer and fond memories. The contrasts amplify the emotion and tell a lot in a few words.
Good job.
Your version was a definite improvement. It was more interesting. Changing the tense and condensing it helped. You also added some interpretation that was sorely needed in the first.
A random review, it was your turn according to the computer.
Hi,
You show a lot of promise. I remember writing about ink when I was very young. It's an excellent way to start exercising your skills.
Your imagery is very good. You actually tell a story in your poem. Good job.
The only technical thing I see is that the "sun has blinked" not "have".
You are skilled, and I look forward to seeing more from you.
Best wishes.
We review to halp each other be the best writers we can be. We don't criticize opinions or points of view. Please take my remarks as attempts to help you fine tune what I see here, not as a criticism.
The first two sentences are questions, so they should have question marks.
I once had a teacher tell me not to ask permission when I write. It's obviously my opinion if I'm writing it down. Just tell it, she said. So I'm passing that on. You don't need to ask permission or state that it is your opinion. You only need to say "I think. . ." once, maybe twice, but don't keep repeating it, especially in a short piece.
The other main thing is classification. This is not really a short story. You could call it an essay.
You bring up ageless questions. Good thought process. Could be the start of some provocative writing. For instance, the task could be a life time endeavor, or it could change as one gets more experience or improves his education. There might be a series of tasks. Very qood questions you bring up. Too bad we can't control the rewards or the granting of wishes.
This was a good read. The comments below are only intended to help you improve your message for the average reader.
First, for appearance only: this is single spaced and it looks overwhelming to a casual browser. I would suggest, at least spacing between paragraphs, just because it breaks it up for the eye. It needs to be visually inviting. Only a suggestion, not a criticism.
Punctuation and grammar need a little attention. You probably just haven't had time for editing yet. Spelling, too: for instance "through" probably should have been though.
It's apparent you used the small "I" on purpose, since you are consistent. But it kind of signals the reader that the protagonist has low self esteem, and does not feel worthy of the usual capital letter. If that was not intentional, you might want to change them all to capital I's. Although she is expressing some self doubts and identity issues, I'd like to see her have some assertiveness, and at least see herself as an important entity, worthy of I, not i.
Cleaning up the technical things will make it easier to see the inner dialog and self-discovery. This protagonist is introspective and sensitive. It is normal for young people to deal with friendship and validating each other, asking questions about boundaries and expectations. Cleaning up the writing and following the rules of writing will keep the emphasis where it should be.
Good job. Keep working at it. There's a huge young audience for this type of story.
One more tip: Do your bio for WDC. I find it's helpful in reviewing. You review a 12 year old differently than an 18 yr old or a 40 year old. A teacher is reviewed a little differently from a student. Just something that might help you.
A gripping story. It compels you to keep reading.
The only technical thing that stopped me was the use of the colon in the third paragraph. Maybe if you put a period after weak and made the last phrase a separate sentence, it would work for fuddy duddies like me.
Good story.
You don't say whether you have a tune in mind for this. If you do, that may allow for a different pacing if reading out loud.
Punctuation-After the first candle, use a comma or semi-colon--"candle; let it . . ."
No apostrophe in its. It's means it is.
Do you mean to say with its glow twice? That's what made me think of music. You might try: The candle's flame fills a room with its glow.
At any rate, you need a comma at the end of that line, before "fills a room with warmth."
Spelling, won't instead of want. "through with your footsteps" is redundant since you said stumble. Maybe stumble on your path or stumble as you tread your way. Just some thoughts.
Last two lines-Using "that" twice close together makes them lose impact. Maybe "the" light that. ..
Nice thoughts, deep truths. It does have potential for music. Keep writing to inspire others.
Good story. Well written.
I had the same experience in the sixth grade. Our student teacher gave us a single spaced test, but only two pages. I know people who have tried to assemble metal sheds and many other things and never read instructions. It is a good less for kids to learn.
Good job of applying it to writing and publishing.
A random review.
I see this is newly posted, so you probably just haven't had time to review for punctuation, which is the only area that really needs attention.
Most of the time, you got the comma after pulled, but twice it was missed. The very first stanza has the question mark in the wrong place. After life, there should be just a comma-no period or question mark, than a question mark after God instead of a period.
After faint, just, just a question mark, no period, no quotation mark. In fact, there is no dialog, except the whole poem, so drop all quotation marks.
I'm not aware of any reason harp should be capitalized or made possessive. I think just harp music will do. Again, no period after the question mark. I think this is another case of inserting the question mark too soon. You could use a comma after sound or nothing, and use the question mark instead of a period after soul. Otherwise to awake my soul is a dangling phrase.
Sky should be followed by a question mark instead of a period.
The last one is correct, in that it is not a question, but a statement.
I did question the word array. Did you mean a ray? Or an array?
As for content, it is a subject many people ponder. What will that moment be like? No doubt it will stir a lot of emotional reaction. It is a common human dilemma.
Note, I am not an accomplished poet, so bear that in mind.
A teacher would split it up-content and form. For your story, I would give an 'A Plus'. It's heart-felt and tender. For form, an 'A Minus or B plus'. This is where the explanation gets tough.
I read it several times, and it never got smoother for me. It just seemed uneven in rhythm. I'd get the hang of it, and then felt like there were too many syllables or a false step. The story is smooth; it sort of requires the smoothest telling possible.
A few commas would be helpful for someone reading out loud, to know when to pause or breathe. But they don't affect the poem itself or its flow.
Your imagery is good. You paint a very clear picture, using good graphics. The poem arouses emotion, empathy. Overall, very well done. I enjoyed reading it.
I talk to myself, too, because I'm such a great listener. And I live in your part of the world, too. I often think of exploring places I haven't been, like Woodrow Wilson's home in Staunton.
I loved the creative dialogue. The referrals to previous Dear Me letters also rang a bell. Your goals are measurable and very ambitious. I'm sure your struggles will resonate with a lot of readers. It was interesting to read all the way through.
Good luck.
Random review
Loved the image of a burst tomato. Must have been an astounding poem to illicit such a response.You've engaged all the senses. You go from the type of paper and letters and punctuation to movement, sounds dancing, and fruit bursting. Even the thoughts the poem evokes are breathing, not air, but color!
Great job. Every writer would love a response like this one!
Well done.
I'm afraid it's not just American. It's been the curse of woman since time began. Power and control have always been a problem. Even the Bible documents harassment and brutality by men to women. But it is time for a reckoning!
Thanks for speaking up.
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