This reads well and is certainly amusing. All I could think of by the end was how little sister would get back at big brother when she grows up! It would be really great if you could come up with a poem to reflect that.
I'm so glad you found and joined WDC. I'm sure you will love it here...something for absolutely everyone!
Those are really cute. I think you did good with writing these. The only suggestion that I'd offer is with the first one -- I would leave that first "And" off of the 4th line...just make it "Went straight to hell"
I hope you'll write more! That last one is really funny too. I might just have to try writing one of these.
First, let me welcome you to WDC. It is definitely the premier writing site on the internet, filled with some of the kindest, caring people you could ever want to meet...and many opportunities to hone your writing skills!
Now, as to your poem:
I found it to be interesting, honest and deep!
While I fully grasped the first section and last sections, I must admit I became tangled with questions, particularly in the second and third sections.
For most of us, who we really are is rarely evident to others because we are clothed in pastels.
I think for clarity sake, if you could add a line or two within the 2nd and 3rd sections to perhaps help the reader understand the strong picture that is being shown in those sections.
I'm so glad you have joined WDC...it is an awesome site that even I, after several years, have not had the time to acquaint myself with. I do know for a fact, however, that the people on WDC are some of the most caring, talented, selfless people I've ever had the joy of coming to know.
I love your poem...the man in it sounds like a real gem. The only thing that left me wondering were the lines about his love being less than yours.
I think I can relate to what you are saying there, and would have to say based on the rest of the poem, he must truly be a special person that cares deeply even if he cannot always show it.
As a prior nursing assistant both in the hospital hospice program, and in nursing homes, I just want to emphasize that HEARING is the last of the senses to leave a person at the end of their life.
So when you are there with her, even if she cannot communicate or "when" she cannot communicate...remember, she CAN hear you! So say all the things you want her to hear. It'll give her a peaceful passing.!!!
That was quite to the point and a very vivid picture you've painted in the first section.
You might want to try to get this poem into an evangelical magazine.
In your last section, you need to capitalize the first letter on "Satan".
It ends in a very sad way. I'm wondering if somewhere in the latter part you could fit in a section for those who have still not responded to his "knock" upon their door.
Interesting piece...one which a large number of mothers will surely relate to.
My son is 28 but much of what you've written helped me recall those moments with my son as if they were yesterday.
One suggestion I would make is for you to re-read your first two sections and omit a few of the "so"s that you've used. Some of them are more needed than others.
I can attest that regardless how old your son gets, you memory of that very first day and the feelings that abounded will always be freshly recalled as if they were yesterday.
Wonderful recollections. It brought back memories for me as well...especially of that "two note cadence" which all of us children heard nightly when darkness was approaching.
That was refreshingly honest and from the heart. Your writing is very clear and easily identified with as well. I found but one little spelling error that I'll point out for you to fix.
In the para. beginning, "One blemish on the face of this planet,..." the first word on the second line is spelled wrong, it should be "insignificant".
I do hope you will continue to write and enjoy your time on WDC.
And, I know it's a bit early, but now that it is December, may I wish you a very Merry Christmas!
I had never thought of Angel's tears being from joy as well as sorrow. Sometimes life gets so busy and consuming that many of us often forget to even think of the Angels watching over us.
You do have one little typo in the 4th line from the end..."Angles" instead of Angels.
Well written. Good job! Hope to see more from you soon.
What an enjoyable story! After all the intensity of the entire tale, the ending just literally cracked me up!
The flavor of the story, set in an old civilization setting (in my mind's eye), is superb and it really takes the reader by surprise to learn just who and what they are.
The writing is clean, concise, and contains no errors.
While a social worker, and later as a foster parent, it never ceased to amaze me how any parent could mistreat and damage their children so horribly.
Often the answer was that they parent had been abused as a child. Well, sorry, I just couldn't then and can't now accept that as a justifiable answer. Abuse is NEVER acceptable and no child should fall thru the cracks and be left in an abusive situation.
Your first section of the poem depicts just how smart and fearful an abused child is. They suffer largely in silence and no better than to incite the parent into more abuse...so they remain silent. Like little broken stones. It breaks my heart.
As for the second section, I will never understand why God doesn't intervene for these little ones. It is not mine to question, yet I do. I have two little grandchildren now, one 19 months old and another 3 weeks old. If they were to be subjected to such horrible treatment I fear I would become the ravaging lioness, doing whatever I could to keep them from harm.
How and why abusers seem to get away with their crime is beyond me.
Anyway, I commend you for writing this. It reads very well and speaks a lot of truth.
This was written excellently. The results of the merger and the disastrous results for poor Beverly were portrayed so well that I felt I knew both she and Jessica.
The word pictures were painted perfectly,allowing me to always see the story in my mind's eye.
I was feeling so badly for Beverly after she had been told her services would no longer be needed, that I was delighted at the ending where Bev allowed her feelings to finally act out. I could just "see" her sweeping everything off Jessica's desk.
Great job. I loved this story. No errors anywhere to be found!
While an interesting story, it is also a bit confusing in places, mainly near the end.
At the end of the second to the last para., we're told that the sheets were moldy and the bed was damp due to dripping rainwater.
In the last paragraph however, she is getting into the decreipid bed -- while still wet? Also, throughout you are talking about "her" and "she", but in the final sentence, you suddenly say the plaster fell on "my" face rather than "her".
Just a bit of confusion that will be easy to clear up. Overall, though, I enjoyed reading it and could feel for the girl who had just lost her father and was now expected to accept another man to replace him.
Welcome to WDC and I hope you'll continue to write more.
I read through this a good three times, just to see and read it from varied angles.
Your first paragraph is excellent..they express a true and honest picture of what so many experience when they are in the writer's shoes. I have been there several times myself..different hills, different tears, the same struggles.
In the second paragraph, I think you perhaps meant to end it after the "if mine was shattered." This would be an appropriate place to begin a third paragraph. It appeared as if you perhaps meant to do it but just forgot to space.
Near the end of what would be the third paragraph, note the slight error in "For isn't that what all our memories our in the end?" The last "our" should be "are"
You might always want to make a final fourth paragraph beginning with "I open my eyes then..." That marks a clear shift from your previous memories and feelings and brings you back to the current time.
Welcome to WDC. I hope to see more of your writing. Writing is often described as the window of the soul--where the deepest honesty and purest emotions are allowed to be shared.
You sure have asked a lot of difficult questions in a short space!
So many of the questions you asked are ones that many of us ask...I've been asking some of these very questions myself. Life is not easy and it is so hard to comprehend how God works?
I think what you've written is very clearly put, but I would like to see it divided into a few paragraphs with a space between. That will make it much more "readable".
This is especially important in what you've written because it is so "meaty"...no fluff, just true life!
I hope you are enjoying WDC and will continue to write more!
Well written! The whole poem is so indicative of real life. So many people really do not like themselves.
It has been said that we are often our own worst critic. When used constructively, that criticism can help us become a person we like better and are happier with, but all too often, people tend to just bash themselves and continue to be unhappy.
Welcome to WDC! This is an awesome site and I hope you will continue to add items to your portfolio.
I can sure identify with what you've written. I've been on both sides of the situation -- first as a caseworker for 5 years and later, after a stint in the Army, as a foster parent for a total of about 8 years.
I wish there were an easy answer. A small minority of kids in the "system" do find the stability they need but it is usually because they are placed as infants or toddlers, before their inner selves are crushed and bashed about.
Like many social workers, I burned out eventually. In the role of foster parenting, I became downright angry with the system which basically had a deaf ear to the needs of my "kids."
I had never heard of the Invisible Youth and am looking forward to visiting the site just as soon as I get this review sent off.
Your writing was clear, to the point, and I thank you for writing it! Judy
Wow, Dave. You just never cease to amaze me! Your story is superb, and definitely out of the ordinary. Of course, I think your talents far surpass those of many..you are an excellent writer/storyteller.
I have nothing much I can comment on except to say I loved reading it and you did an excellent job, as usual, of helping me "see" the varied scenes and action.
The only statement I take odds with is where you say he does not want a weak country "just a weaker central government..." Actually, I don't think he wants a weak central government, but rather a less "authoritarian" central government -- which is what we have now with Bush thinking we must tell everyone else how to live.
Keep up the good work. I'm definitely in Ron's corner.
Judy
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