*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/16
Review Requests: OFF
2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
Previous ... 12 13 14 15 -16- 17 18 19 20 21 ... Next
376
376
Review of Lost in my Home  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello inkonpaper - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I predict you won't be a nameless face for long - we will come to know you through your writing.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked this one. It has the unusual, and the stimulus to find out how this paradox can exist is aroused. Then, it also apt after the read. Good work.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is a place where a little effort can make the piece shine. Beginnings must be impeccable and taut to draw the reader within the story. Your first line, though good in content, lacked immaculate structure.
" I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that I was somewhere far off where I was. It was peacful." "somewhere far off (from) where I was' and 'peac(e)ful'. Otherwise excellent bit of 'setting' The contrast between real and imagined world was well done.

*Flower5* The Setting: You could add some details to make the body of the story as effective as the beginning. The bedroom , the dresser, the living room or kitchen - any of these could be described in passing to give the characters a setting.

*Flower5* The Characters: The parents are mere caricature. maybe some scraps of the fight and the accusations they throw at each other can define them further. If this lacked anything it was dialogue, whether real or internal. You even have the narrator thinking about possible outcomes at one point but restrict the exploration to one phrase about getting a job.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The first part was gripping, then it becomes disjointed. Pause and picture it in your mind. What are the things a teen might notice as she went through the house? Maybe she lingers over a favourite stuffed animal and regrets not being able to take it along? Maybe she fingers the folds of a jacket that her Dad bought her in happier times? Maybe she sniffs a perfume she purchased because it reminded her of the one her mother used? Some hints of how things disintegrated to the present.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It has a good central premise and might serve to wake-up sparring couples as to how this impacts so badly upon the children. You could take this story further to suggest that.

*Flower5* What I liked: The POV was spot-on in the deft beginning. Keep it at that level, do a thorough edit and you have a winner.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Some things to correct if you wish:
"I decided then I wouldnt let " missing apostrophe in "wouldn't"

"I slowly unfolded myself from feedlle position" You do mean 'fetal' position do you not?

"I made my way up the squiky wooden steps" Squeaky?

"was my all the money I had saved" The word 'my' is not required here.

"tucked on the bottum of the big pocket" 'bottom'

"went down the stairs as quitely as possible" 'quietly'

"quikley pass into the kitchen" 'quickly'

"foods that didn(')t need to be cooked " missing apostrophe again.

"what to do with myself by tomoro" tomorrow
I was wondering if these mistakes were typos or errors? But a spell-checker would catch either of those.

Some awkward sentences/run-on sentences:
"My heavy breathing came out in puffs of steam in the cool night air" 'My breathing was laboured and the puffs of vapour hung heavy in the cool night air." The image is stronger this way and the meaning is clear.

"I looked back to see that I went unseen" I looked back to check that I had not been seen.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
377
377
Review of Loving Grace  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Rixfarmgirl , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I always like to find meaning in names, a friend on-site is named something that means 'grace', and she is full of grace! Her chosen user name is a delicious paradox that underlines the depth of her many wonderful qualities. Your user-name too immediately appealed for its proud proclamation of origin. I wish I knew your 'real name. BTW what are 'guienas'? Iguanas? Guinea-hens? I'm going to be letting my imagination run riot! Tell me - put me out my misery!

*Flower5* The Title: It is a prayer without doubt, one that I will copy and print to look at each day. It deserves a title that says something more - or are you satisfied thus? I rather thought "loving Grace" was more the mot juste!

*Flower5* Rhyming: Ah, mono-rhyme. I haven't seen this around for a long time. If it had that one line of internal rhyme it wold qualify as Monotetra. This was done with deceptive ease. I notice that the second verse has rather unusual rhyming word choices, but perhaps the meaning you wanted you present restricted the choice of words.

*Flower5* Meter: Lovely, you got this one too. I am always pleased to see that extra effort to adhere to stated form. Pentameter certainly. I am not going into the stressed/unstressed syllable pattern counting to determine if you achieved iambic or not. If you did, my hats swept off to you in a low bow of admiration. Even other wise I salute you.

*Flower5* Grammar:I see you eschew punctuation altogether. I suppose that's a valid choice. I like the placing of deft commas in some lines and breathless lack in others to highlight a poem. I thought one sentence in particular needed a comma: "We confess our sins we know you'll erase" Don't you feel a comma after 'sins' is required? Or else 'We confess our sins knowing you'll erase' The syllable count is unaltered - unless it was iambic? *Blush*

*Flower5* Poetry Form: Quatrains? Beyond that I do not know. It is two lines or one couplet short of sonnet - hmmm, I give up!

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: Inspiring and and comforting.

*Flower5* Remarks: You get a fervent *Thumbsup**Check2*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
378
378
Review of Home and Garden  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello D Field - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit in which it is offered.


*Flower5* The Title: I do know that this had a flavour of one my favourite magazines, I just love the beautiful images in that one. My home is quite removed from those elegant edifices and lush parks and although I would never want to trade, I still drool over perfect carpets of green dotted with perfect geometric equations of floral borders, stately declarations of prosperity on polished mirrors of flooring. I was pleasantly surprised by the tone of the story, but how did the one relate to the other? Which was the figurative home and what has the garden to do with the medical dilemma?Or am I being terribly dense? *Blush*

*Flower5* The Beginning: I liked the beginning, except for the clue about the long relationship one might have imagined another type of loss. Excellent description seeing himself through the eyes of a passer-by. I think the initial emotional setting was done in exemplary manner.

*Flower5* The Setting: The various scenes were all well set - the bus-stop, the ride itself, the hospital and the emotions waxing and waning through it all. Since your descriptions were so detailed it highlighted your use of adverbs. Now, I do not eschew or abhor their use; I am now seeing what a kind friend pointed out to me long back. Their constant usage weakens the act of 'showing'. "pointed blankly toward a waiting area where many more lolled listlessly," It could become: "She pointed with an indifferent finger towards a waiting area. Various forms were draped across the couches, some lolled against the cushioned backs, others were perusing pages of magazines with listless gaze." Whatever you wish - I merely try to demonstrate how changing the form of the word can add to the compelling image within.


*Flower5* The Characters: THe characters are described more by their interplay and emotion than any actual description. Yet a note or two could be slipped in without diluting the emotions. Maybe the hand that squeezed had fingers that were still slim, although knobbly from arthritis. Maybe the eyes that held pity were brown with the grey rim of aging eyes? Whatever detail you care to add, it is easy enough to give an outline for us build upon, aided by our imagination.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I felt this was good, but it was at times trying too hard. For example: "where a revolving mass of anxiety and nausea curdled incessantly" It has already passed through him in electrical waves, now it curdles in a mixed metaphor. Curdling can be instant - but incessant as in 'unending'? Not an image that one would term apt. Or "He rose ghost-like from the chair" How does a ghost rise from a chair? For locomotion it might be apt - to glide or move in a silent manner - but for rising? I don't know, this was one more image that did not 'work' for me. Both stand out only because the rest of your description is vivid and full of imagery.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A tale that was about an almost non-hero, with tender touches.

*Flower5* What I liked: A story that had the complete package: Problem-Conflict-Resolution. My fave ending - a happy one. Then too, the characters were all 'real' and likable. The description was good and the grammar and spelling was correct for the most part. What's not to like? It fell just short of a 5.0 star rating, but only by a whisker.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a couple:

"The spring of the soft mossy grass beneath his feet abetted by the sense of the warm summer sun on his face instigated it."
I thought a slight re-arrangement of phrases clarify the emotion better. "The spring of the soft mossy grass beneath his feet instigated it, abetted by the sense of the warm summer sun on his face ." Otherwise the actions seem to be split by the second phrase.

" particular given that you were completely unaware of the presence" I think it should be 'particularly'.

"The tone was compassionate, yet brisk, borne and honed by countless conversations of this very nature." Do you mean 'born'?

At the very end may I suggest - "Back to Home and Garden" might make better sense as a title?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.


*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
379
379
Review of Not Forgotten  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello CursedFreedom , I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

Your user name and handle evoked a felling a loss and intense sorrow. I am sorry for the troubles that may have led to this outlook and pray that you find solace. If this site has brought you any balm for a troubled soul - I expect to see a more hopeful 'handle' some day.

*Flower3* The Title: The title is short and yet lucid. It echoes what one often reads on headstones - "Here lies xyz - remembered by abc". "Not Forgotten' is a deft way to underline that sentiment.

*Flower3* Rhyming: Quatrains are perhaps the most common forms used in poetry, they lend themselves to an infinite variety of rhyming schemes. From the plain abcb (your choice) to the more complex Swap Quatrain or Mirrored Rhyme, or even the Envelope Couplet - each is attractive and pleasing to the eye. Some of your choices of rhyming pair are bold and unusual (thereof and love, passed and last) some are tame and mundane (lies and eyes, free and me).

*Flower3* Meter: Poetry is just a pleasing arrangement of prose, adding devices like rhyme or rhythm are enhancements of its beauty, props to its edifice and structure. One may or may not use any, you choose to omit meter. A perfectly valid choice. I felt though that it was not impossible to achieve - even without changing the meaning.

For example - this stanza:
"Days diminish to nightfall
Before I ever knew what passed.
Anything that is dependable
Will never stand to last." The lines are 7-8-8-6 in syllable count. This could easily become 7-8-8-7 or 6-8-8-6 with a little change: Either shorten line1 thus: 'Days diminish to night' (not very different in meaning and the change in last syllable is not important because it is not part of the rhyming pair in the verse),
or
lengthen the last line to:'It will never stand to last' (Here the last syllable is part of a rhyming pair, hence it is left unchanged. One short word is added in the beginning where it does not matter.) I do not say meter must be added, just that it could be added if you please.

*Flower3* Grammar: You use punctuation - but some places are without either comma or period. I would suggest you lay out each verse in one continuous line and and punctuate as you would prose. Then break it up into the lines of the verse with that punctuation in place.

*Flower3* Poetry Form: Simple Quatrains with alternating rhyme. Pleasing effect.

*Flower3* Poem as a whole:Some of the verses made me confused, then the end showed me why the emptiness, why the feeling of being trapped, of being bereft of love. If that confusion or lack of clarity was deliberate intention then it is fine. Otherwise a little re-wording or re-telling might be in order. Especially why the 'other people' (who are distinctly lacking in sympathy when they ...) 'stare down' at you.

*Flower3* Remarks: I saw that this was a tribute - a heartfelt and moving one too. You deserve a fervent *Thumbsup**Check2* for the emotions you were able to arouse in these lines. The sorrow, the frustration, the emptiness, the loss - all these come through with forceful impact.

Jyo


** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
380
380
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello WorkInProgress ! I like your user name as well as your handle - both show a way with words that bodes well for the reader.

I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is good for an essay/article on such a subject. For a story it would have to attract attention much the way the coloured stripes of the big tent do for the circus. Even here a slightly more interesting title would not be amiss. Like "Talent in the Big Tent" or "Amazed by Circus Acts". Then too, your intro just repeats your title. Nothing wrong with that, but you could use it to tell a little more about the article. Maybe 'My Dad and I spend a day together - at the circus.'

*Flower5* The Beginning: Good setting of the piece in that part. Not attention grabbing but a good lead into the 'meat' of the article. There is a tense confusion at the very beginning though. Maybe you would understand better if I asked you - are you writing as though this is happening now? Or as though it has happened in the past?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Your language is simple and reflects the thinking of a child. Exactly how old are you? Just saying you are in grade school does not let me know just how much 'slack' should be given you.

*Flower5* The Article as a Whole: Well - it gave us an idea of what you did on your "Day at the Circus". A way to improve it would be to point out what excited you the most and what bothered you. Were you upset that animals would be forced to perform? Were you afraid the trapeze artists would fall? Did the idea of doing marvels on a bike excite you? This would create an interest in YOU! The unique factor in the mass attendance at the circus.

*Flower5* What I liked: You remained true to your level of writing and did not attempt to use fancy words or phrases to impress. The shining truth of the experience as seen through a child's eyes.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Some points which were worthy of a second look:

"There were three men and two women in the act the men did the performing of the acts." I would say there was a punctuation mark missing in there. Either a period after 'act', beginning a new sentence with "The men...". Or else a comma at that same point would not come amiss. The repeat of the word 'act' is not required - I would cut out the second one. I'd change the sentence slightly to make it complete - "The men did the most of the performing on the trapeze."

"One was on a swing and after he got going another one started to swing and both of the went upside down and the first one swinging had to try to catch the other ..." It goes go much longer than this excerpt. I actually felt the breathless punctuated style worked well for the sentence in implying daring action, but it is not grammatical. Try to make the sentences shorter and/or put in commas. Also correct 'both of the' to 'both of them'.

There are places where the same word is used over and over and over again. Did you get irritated by my repeating the word 'over'? What do you feel about this: "The next act we saw was that of the tigers. They act was an awesome act to see." (also 'they' should be 'the')

"Another tiger climb up on to a platform attached to a ball " The tense changes in this sentence - just take a look at the two verbs and see if you agree. 'Climb' (it should be climbs, but let that pass) - present tense, 'attached' - past tense. Try to avoid this kind of mid-sentence change, in fact avoid it altogether. Some writers change from past to present in writing but it takes skill to do it smoothly.

"would climb back down with out dropping the thing he was balancing on her nose" Is it 'he' or 'she'. Always check for such gender confusion.

Do you use a computer to write out your articles? try using a spell-checker to catch mistakes. WDC also has one that can be used after posting the item. For example this one would have been highlighted by the checker -: "motercyle" motorcycle
or "woudl climb up on a ladder" 'would'.

Of course the checker might miss things like: "The forth act we saw was the unicyle rider in one ring," 'forth' is a valid word, but here you mean 'fourth'.

These are just typos but they dilute any writer's talent, a second look never hurt anything - not even school assignments! *Laugh*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

P.S. I would be willing to re-rate if you work on this and want me to do take a second look.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
381
381
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello RadioShea I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I never expected to read right through your piece at one go. It proved riveting though and you have got some things right, because your hold on the reader is sure and strong.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is simple enough for a children's tale and yet has the layers of meaning that I like to see in any title. Good job.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I feel that the beginning might be the one of the parts where you might lose a child reader. Some other places where you allude to things they might not know like the Cheshire Cat or 'the birds and the bees' exist, but by then they might be engrossed enough to skip right over it. The part about naming the kittens is superb, good choice making the 'runt' of the litter the protagonist - arouses immediate empathy.

*Flower5* The Setting: I think you have done a good job of getting into the skin of a cat. The house and humans as seen through feline eyes is well depicted. I think the best example I have seen of that was a book by Paul Gallico - "Jennie". His was an exemplary characterization, you could read it to compare notes about your own effort. There is subtle vein of humour that runs right through - it enhances the telling. Like Misty musing: "I should be glad not to be a Fluffy, Muffin or Mittens."

*Flower5* The Characters: I like the fact that all the three main characters - feline - are so unique. Even Smokey has a great cameo role. The effort to create these differences must have been more than with human characters - good job.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Simple language for the most part and the descriptions do not include hyperbole or flights of fancy. Yet, one races through the read and never feels the lack of these.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I felt the action went by a little too fast, years sometimes elapse between one chapter and another. Did nothing of note or worthy of mention happen in between? Other than that - riveting story and one that would appeal to both children and a more mature reader. Of course the cat lovers and animal lovers will make the majority, but I cannot think anyone will find it boring. The addition of FPT and the whole 54 day rule and 'magic' 108 year rule was inventive and interesting. I won't give away any more of the story! Good work.

*Flower5* What I liked: The fact that you chose to write about this from a unique view-point. Misty proves to be a real scene-stealer.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I think just a cursory second look is required to take care of grammar and typos. This is too long a piece for me to point them out, only stray examples exist. For example one might look at these sentences:

(meaning)
"Joshua sat down and folded his legs next to the cardboard box that held my mother" The phrases would benefit from rearranging them to make better sense, thus:
"Joshua folded his legs to sit down next to the cardboard box that held my mother"

or (punctuation)
" "Ash, that’s a pretty name,” she said trying to be more engaged." A comma after the word 'said' might be required.

or (typo)
"I did start to seem rather crowded as my siblings and I grew bigger every day. " Either start the sentence with 'It' or say "I did seem to feel...". I prefer the first change as making the least change in meaning.

You see what I mean? But you have a winner here! *Thumbsup*


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
382
382
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Rising star Member to Member review December 2008 I hope you settle down well in England. I participated in your poll - but where are you from?

*Flower5* The Title: More like the title of an essay than that for a story. Apt for the piece but it does not work as hard as it should. A title should tease and entice the reader into the story without giving away anything of the story. The intro can reveal just a little more but not bare all - let the story do that in slow seduction of words.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning could have been more effective with a little less description - it is tantamount to hyperbole to make so much of a cat's natural prowl.
"The cat purred sweetly, slunk stealthily down the window sill, slithered behind the rose bushes, and crawled out of the fence ... Stalking the still road, Saturday seemed so absolutely great !" slunk - stealthily - slithered - crawled - Stalked. It does a lot of things that are not necessarily likely to happen at the same time. The use of the adverb form 'stealthily' weakens 'slunk', it is tautology anyway. Purring while sneaking or prowling would defeat the purpose would it not? Think it over, while the detailed description makes for a powerful bit of 'setting', inconsistencies make a reader reluctant to read further.

*Flower5* The Setting: There's no description of the Alsemma household. A little detail of the kitchen or dining room, even the children's room where the cat reposes would be good.

*Flower5* The Characters: The Lady of the household seems to be the focus of the story. When the description of her getting up occurs that provides detail of her character. The thoughts in her head do not seem to come in logical sequence to me. If it is modeled upon yourself, I stand corrected.

I could not swallow a policeman who would try and track down a marauding cat! It is 'Satire' though,by genre choice - so should I desist from cribbing?

The cat is not even named - I think the hero deserved a name. Does the 'Lady of the household' not think of him by name?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I do not have a rosewood door, but all the teak doors here refuse to make a 'dunk-dunk-dunk' when knocked upon. Instead of describing the sound phonetically perhaps it could be mentioned as sharp raps or dull thuds? Or whatever comes to your mind?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The POV changes from Omniscient to narrator to GOK (God Only Knows - *Bigsmile*)!

The tense changes too, from past to present - e.g.:The beginning quoted above was set in the past. Whereas "here goes the tête-à-tête between the mistress of the house and the man of the law:" That is set in the present, grammatical consistency says it should be "here's how the tête-à-tête between the mistress of the house and the man of the law went:'

If the policeman wants to know if there is a cat in the house why does he ask for details of the occupants? Why not ask for the pets straight off? These tiny inconsistencies prevented this story rising to its deserved levels of appreciation.

The inter-paragraph spacing is not consistent. After each person speaks there should be a one line space.

*Flower5* What I liked: The two-faced cat! He was definitely the star of the story.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"the smell of coffee renting the air." Rent is to 'tear asunder' not quite the meaning I'd choose for coffee - however strong! Maybe some other synonym or metaphor instead?


"A little breeze from the open window made for a refreshing new day ... The magnolias dancing gracefully in the breeze seemed to be listening " You have already mentioned that there was a breeze, it needs no repetition, instead the 'Magnolias dancing gracefully seemed to be listening..."

"In the serene penchant, the meowing cat dragged its feet" Huh? "Serene penchant"?I'm sorry but the meaning entirely escaped me here. It seems almost as though you are trying to make meaningful metaphor for description here. Do try for simple but effective language. That works just as well.


"And royally turned its back, flipped on to its tummy, and started to groom itself again." Here I am not even going to mention anything about the weakening effect of adverbs like 'groggily' and 'royally'. It could 'royally' turn its back, but flipping over on its tummy - that is not a natural extension of that move. Then again, shouldn't flipping should make it 'on its back' not the other way around? Grooming is usually in the sitting position isn't it? Not a 'cat person' so I could be wrong.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
383
383
Review of The Red Ball  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Rising star Member to Member review December 2008


*Flower5* The Title: Excellent title. It later turned out to be a ball in the sense that a ball is spherical. But Red Sphere doesn't seem to work quite as well. I liked that the title suggested that it was attractive and innocuous and despite the intro hinting at it, I did not see the ending coming. I was thinking something quite different. So, good work! *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* The Beginning: The first words of the first sentence made have a 'huh?' moment:
"Jill started as she peered out the window by her desk" To start implies being startled or surprised- why is is she surprised? She has already spotted the red flash - she is just confirming the spot. No? Or did you mean 'stared'? First lines and paragraphs must be impeccable or a reader might be put off by the lack of lucidity so early in the story and stop reading further. I'd also suggest splitting that last sentence into two. Both to improve clarity of meaning as well as reduce length.

*Flower5* The Setting: The ball gets detailed description, but one would like to know about the ground or snow in which it lay, how deep was it buried? Did it have to be dug out/scraped out? How large was it? It is described as being heavier than it looked - so how could Jill wonder if a bird had dropped it? It would be difficult for a bird to grasp a smooth ball with her claws, so would have been small enough to grasp in a beak?

*Flower5* The Characters: There's only one character - if you exclude the ball. We know very little about Jill. Was she a housewife? Was she alone? What was she doing that was interrupted by the finding of the bauble? It is a short story and one can get away with a lot because the words are to be counted, but there is a lot of description in here that can slip in these details.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This part is well done - I like the use of smell and look and feel to describe the protagonist - the red ball! *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Unusual and a good take of the prompt. I think it was definitely an unusual find. I just wonder why the energy uptake did not occur at first chance? I mean to determine that bipeds were superior sources there must have been prior encounters with them? Why was the ball still untouched?

*Flower5* What I liked: Oh, it was a deft tale on the whole despite all my cribbing! I enjoyed it thoroughly.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
There are places where the meaning is not quite evident:
"Her curiosity piqued, she shook her head and donned her coat and boots to get a closer look" We should understand that her curiosity was piqued and how that governed her next actions. It seems as though she shook her head as part of the actions preparatory to going out for a closer look. Perhaps "She shook her head in bewilderment, her curiosity getting the better of her. She then donned her coat and boots to go out and get a closer look" You choose the exact words, but make the meaning clear.


Or:
"It was a pretty red mirrored sphere resembling a glass Christmas tree ornament, but it scintillated with color when she looked closer" A mirrored ornament would scintillate - would it not? Why would one need to look closer to see the scintillation? It is little details like these that trip up a good story.

Or:
"The ball rose from the table and smashed itself through the kitchen window to the outside, streaming toward the stratosphere, its energy needs thus met." The last phrase needs to come in the beginning of the sentence. Otherwise it seems that smashing through the window was the way the energy needs were met.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
384
384
Review of Dusk - Chapter 3  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Miss Pageturner - welcome to In-depth reviews. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: I really haven't much to say on this one, because I said it all when I reviewed chapter four. I still do not know the reason behind the title which is for the whole book. I had a hypothesis that it might be signifying the dusk of the world as we know it. A rather depressing image without the added contrasting promise of a dawn to come.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I find the chapter beginnings to be quite descriptive and doing a valiant job of 'setting' but they raise too many questions for a smooth start. I'd put in the 'The first night was chaos' right at the beginning. It is a terse summing up of the action to come and makes an effective eye-catcher. I'd then add in the rest of it as the second sentence. Then the bit about the windows being covered up etc. etc. and leave out sentence below altogether..

What confused me:
"There were no houses" Do you mean single houses? Wouldn't that lack be natural in most cities? Apartment blocks are rather the norm aren't they? If you mean to convey a sense of the eerie - one of change since the city was taken over by the protectorate - this line does not help.

*Flower5* The Setting: The setting is definitely covered in detail, both in the later chapter (which I reviewed first) and in this the present one. Just that the details do not tie up well. If you see my suggestions below many are from the second paragraph. One should not have so many questions to ask at this early juncture.

*Flower5* The Characters: Welck and Moessing were detailed minutely in the next chapter. At the first appearance too they must have been - so the superficial description here is not quite important.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some bits of these are sublime. I just applauded at the bit about the coal-worker kid who sucked his thumb and left his lips black rimmed. Others make me wonder - the bit about segregating the men and women - you'd think they'd mention that kids below a certain age would be left with their mothers. After all, the sorting is for the purpose determining jobs and kids are more likely to be able to do those alloted to the women. Why did the mothers allow the boys to go over to the men's side at all? If they were forced to by the guards then the glares would have been directed to them and not the faceless 'loudspeakers.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I find the story to be rather dark and depressing. I understand that it is an effect of the times you are describing but there should be a leaven of humour or emotion. One does not readily read page after page of desperation and oppression. The darkest of situations can have these mood lighteners. This is my personal feeling only, different strokes for different folks.

*Flower5* What I liked: You visualise the story very well and it seems you have all the action sorted out in your mind. I liked the way you slipped in the bit about the 'good old days'. What would make it even more ironic is if the speaker reminisces that in those days they still spoke of days farther off and pined for them; so will they ever in the future ever look back upon these as the good ol' days?

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"Raff walked down on of the alleys, between two brick buildings." In the interests of taut writing I would shorten that. Obviously Raff walked down 'one of the alleys' - he couldn't very well choose two, could he? How about making it 'Raff walked down a narrow alley between two faded brick buildings.' The typo of 'on' is corrected to 'one, the sentence is taut and an adjective placed to heighten the setting. Use any combination of those effects that you please.

"Nobody had entered the building yet, and he slipped in and closed the door quietly." How does he know that? Was there a thick layer of undisturbed dust? Were there cobwebs across the door? It is a huge building - how does he know there's no one there? In any story one must keep asking questions and anticipating that the reader is not as omniscient as the writer.

"Strange shapes hung in the shadows, machinery with poisonous coils and great jointed arms in poses of distress." Excellent description but one must remember it is dark. Raff cannot see that clearly. How about if the shapes that hung in the shadows seemed ominous to him, here he discerned the coils of a giant anaconda poised to strike upon the disjointed arms of now silent machinery - their arms raised in supplication.

"Outside, many pairs of shoes hurried past." Raff is just hearing sound - he can't see. So describe it as sounds - not in terms of shoes or boots or slippers. 'Outside many pairs of feet went by - some thudded by in haste, some shuffled and scraped in slow despair; the sounds kept him company through the night.'

"There was no threat invented which could have stopped him as he headed toward the city gate" Is threat invented? Would it not be better described as 'envisioned' or 'imagined'?

"Hunger seemed to leave his mind, even his memory" The description of mood is good, just needs to be heightened with a different verb like 'evaporate' or 'vanish' instead of the tame 'leave'. I'd also split the para just before that sentence to make the strange emotion more striking.

"He was shocked at the number of people there when he reached the paved courtyard. From every quarter, people came" Why shock? Do you mean astonished or amazed? And people 'coming' from all quarters is not dramatic enough, they should be 'streaming' or 'swelling' or something that makes one visualise a steady thickening of the crowd.

"They ate in silence for a few minutes, the hot food fairly bland but good because it filled the caverns inside them, the hunger that was becoming a constant in the way they worked all day without a bite to eat, the longing for home that was somehow partway dissolved by the hot potatoes and carrot slices even if they did taste like they had been harvested from a compost trough sometimes." That is one humongous sentence with so many thoughts in it. Try cutting it up into smaller sentences. A study once proved that people lose interest in sentences over eight words long. That might be a tad harsh - but sixty plus is a definite no-no. Then the phrase 'the hot food fairly bland but good because it filled' is vague. Strengthen it by saying 'the food was bland but hot, it warmed as it filled ...'. One takes it for granted that the filling process is good.

"continuing the conversation as they stepped outside into the flood of darkness." I wouldn't crib too much about this description if you are sure you intend the usage of flood for absence f light. It is usually used to describe light. It does conjure up an image of sudden darkness though - so it is fine. I think 'curtain of darkness' and 'cloak of darkness' are the more commonly used terms but different is good for effect.

"They could see the fence gleaming in the little moonlight" Why the use of the qualifying 'little'? I think it weakens the sentence. If you mean it wasn't full moon you could throw in a few more words to show that ' in the faint wash from the valiant crescent moon'. Or you could just leave it, if it can make the fence gleam it is sufficient not to be diminished by that 'little'.



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **

Reviewed for
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1488944 by Not Available.

** Image ID #1430517 Unavailable **
385
385
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for December. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

I meant to give you just one return review - but why count? I enjoyed reading this one too!

*Flower5* The Title: Another title that caught my eye! This goes to prove that poems need not have delicate and flowery titles - shock value and unusual works pretty well too. Delightful and effective.

*Flower5* Rhyming: Ah, the same scheme as the one I read earlier. It still attracts attention and is pleasing to ear and eye.

*Flower5* Meter: Impeccable as always.

*Flower5* Grammar: The use of the slang term is effective in focusing attention upon the the central idea.

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I wish I knew what this form is called - it is getting to be familiar enough to need a name.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: Did you perhaps contrive this form? I like the use of the repeated word in the last line as refrain. It sort of underlines the idea you are trying to put across. If I had to crib about anything it would be the lines ending verse one and two. For example: "He just looks like a bloke" 'He's just another bloke' keeps to the count and reads better. The second verse would have to try something different so as not to be repetitive, but the concept of 'looking like a bloke' did not quite sit right.

*Flower5* Remarks: *Thumbsup**Check2*

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
386
386
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for December. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

I like your ideas of return reviews - it spreads more reviews around the site - so here is yours.

*Flower3* The Title: Your title has everything in it that I look for in one. It is eye-catching; it refers to something easily recognizable, it gives nothing away of what to expect from the piece - yet one knows that it is about acts of foolishness. Your terse intro tells us exactly that. Bravo!

*Flower3* Rhyming: I should just put a large bracket over these sections and place a check mark prominently over them! I want to know if rhyme comes easily to you or do you have to tweak and tease to achieve it? No effort shows here - impeccable rhyming scheme. Quatrains are not quite my cup of tea right now - I have seen too many on-site; but yours is above the milling majority by its use of the unusual rhyme scheme. Pleasant to the ear and eye, both.

*Flower3* Meter: Your meter is always exemplary and I can do naught but reiterate admiration.

*Flower3* Grammar: I like the effect in the last lines of the verses - the semi-refrain. The last two verses have sentences that might not pass in prose, but they are not incorrect by any means. The effect is attractive -especially if read aloud.

*Flower3* Poetry Form: I do not know if this form has a name?

*Flower3* Poem as a whole: A nice philosophical look at what motivates fools! Did you have a run-in with one? What was the inspiration for this delightful ditty?

*Flower3* Remarks: You get a fervent *Thumbsup**Check2*
Jyo


A 'colorful' sig for WDC Power Group to use in their reviews
387
387
Review of Dusk - Chapter 4  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Miss Pageturner - welcome to "In Depth Reviews". I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: I like titles that work extra hard. A title may be perfect for a story but if one only realises that after one has read it entirely then it is not living up to its potential. It must describe what to expect and create an image that attracts. That is why many books with a one word title have a smaller phrase below. that provides the 'hook' to entice the reader/watcher. I presume you mean this to reflect the dusk of the the world's progress? I am not sure if that is an image that convinces me to read further. It implies a lack of hope. I would like it better if it was at least hinting that a new dawn would follow. Maybe - "Dusk - the inevitable cycle of life". I also like it when each chapter has a sub-title that rather than the plain terse number - Chapter Four. That is just a personal preference - not a rule to be followed.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This has to be impeccable. This is the 'face' of your piece and if not attractive the reader might not want to give the entire item a chance to captivate. In this part, the first sentence must stand out as exemplary. Grammar, imagery, punctuation, spelling - these all must be perfect. Beyond these it must also create a strong willingness to look beyond. The first sentence:

"The cold poured through the open door to the mess hall when people came in late to eat" I think 'cold poured in' is a good image as is the constant stream of people coming in. But you mention that people are coming in to eat late, further in the story women stream in as the men make way. So it was specifically the men who were late for their session. I also felt the words could be tautened a bit, thus:

'The cold swept in through the swinging door, as latecomers continued to trickle into the mess-hall.'

Then the next couple of lines are about something else altogether - the practices followed at the camp. I'd put it into another para entirely and add a sentence or two about the dining hall to 'set' the opening scene. Like:

"Those already seated at the tables huddled over the bowls of congealing beef stew, but for those coming in it was like walking into welcome relief from the snow flurries outside." Use whatever words and images you want, the scene gains detail in the mind's eye from such addition.

*Flower5* The Setting: Undoubtedly you have created the setting in previous chapters and it would not do to repeat yourself. However, for someone who walked into this story in the fourth chapter - I found it short on setting. You could always underline or add subtle reiteration of prior setting. Explain why Raff never looked up anymore. When the people at a nearby table start arguing some detail can be slipped in there. Not too much, but enough to make the setting come to life for the reader.

*Flower5* The Characters: Of course any chapter four will have characters whom we do not know because we weren't around when they were introduced. That is fine. But some of those we do meet now, must be at least sketched in with a few strokes, or even those who return from earlier passages. The one character that stood out was Moessing - he was well 'fleshed' out, especially the lines that described his penchant for a spotless uniform. The rest needed the same deft touch.

Some bits bring our Raff's character well, I especially liked the lines where he is watching the poor unfortunate girl being beaten - her hand splits - he can withstand that but he suddenly looks into his soup bowl and the greasy ring left behind there makes his stomach lurch. That was an inspired bit of character description.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some excellent bits, interspersed with others that need to be strengthened. I think some are covered in the suggestions below.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I can say the chapter aroused interest. It could be tautened with some apt description, to add detail to the characters and setting.

*Flower5* What I liked: It is nothing new, the declining world with a dictatorial protectorate has often been portrayed. Yet it had charm with the hint of romance and a budding unlikely hero.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Please note that these are suggestions only:

"Someone across the table, the man nearly the size of a steer, lifted his hand and said," You introduce here a man 'nearly the size of a steer' - a strange simile to use. Steers are not of standard size, if he's nearly the size of one - he's probably the size of another! I though 'ox' was the preferred term - steers are either immature oxen or those castrated for fattening. Or was the innuendo deliberate? You also did not need to begin a new paragraph for the statement made by the man, it can just continue on from the comma.

" Raff saw now that the sleeve of the shirt was blacked around the shoulder" I think the word 'blacked' is a verb meaning to make an object black, 'blackened' could could be used either as a verb or as adjective and would be the more appropriate form here.

"“Take her right hand,” he said to one of his underlings. “You are here to work for us.”" The two parts of the speech are to two different people, if he said the first part to one of his underlings you could slip in a phrase that 'his eyes narrowed to slits of pale blue viciousness as he faced the girl." Then add the second bit of speech. Or else he may continue his remarks to the underling - 'she has to learn that she is here to work for us.'

"He laid the baton across Moessing’s neck and Raff was gratified to see that Moessing felt the sting, that though he made no sound he went very pale and then very flushed." I am the undeclared Queen of misplaced commas, so feel free to ignore my advice on this. I'd probably split that into two smaller sentences, there are too many he's to sort out other wise, although we know perfectly well what you mean. Try something like:
'Welck laid the baton across Moessing's thick neck; it was obvious that he felt the sting. A gratified Raff noted that though Moessing made no sound, his face went first pale and then suffused with deep red emotion.'

Some of the unfolding story is enthralling but one detail puzzled me. The general asks how old the girl is - the one who was beaten. Then he proceeds to give the erring officer that many strokes of his own baton. Is not the crime more heinous the younger the victim? Would he have gotten off with ten strokes if the girl was ten? Or would he get thirty strokes only if she was thirty? It seemed too arbitrary to me.

"The stooped shoulders said more than any expression of the face, any word in the mouth." The last phrase - 'any word in the mouth' sounds a shade awkward. You might change it a bit 'The stooped shoulders said more than any words uttered, any emotion displayed.'

" The next train brought grain to be ground in the mill, but it also brought half a train of workers" Well, if it brought both grain and workers, it obviously consisted of two parts, it matters not whether they were halves or unequal parts. I think the qualifying 'half a train' for the workers is redundant.

"And then he saw a familiar face, a woman’s face now that had been a girl’s the last time he had seen her" There is no need to start the sentence with the conjunction here. I'd also juggle it a bit to make it more dramatic.

'He saw a familiar face, all angles and planes from near-starvation - a woman of mature dignity. It had been rounded and merry - a child's face, when he last saw it.'

"The evening meal was nearly chaos, people fighting over bowls, mugs, anything to hold the stew, then pushing to be near the front half of the line." People shove to near the 'head' or front of a line, not be in the front 'half'. What about the 'nearly' chaos? Either something is chaotic or it isn't. I think it is a bit of redundant description again, like 'nearly' the size of a steer.

"In a way it was almost better than being first, because some of the meat and vegetables had settled to the bottom" I think the 'almost' and 'nearly' qualifiers are not required, but I see you think they bring a sense of deeper meaning. That of not quite reaching a goal. If you prefer to use it - so be it. I just point out where they struck my eye.

"To see the evil punished and yet alive is not enough to give peace of mind.You must see him destroyed, dead in horrible form" Is that not a given? 'To see Evil punished is not enough to give peace of mind. You must see him destroyed, dead in some horrible way.' That makes more sense and is pithy enough to be the end of the chapter.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


Reviewed for
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1488944 by Not Available.

** Image ID #1430517 Unavailable **
388
388
Review of The Unborn God  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello T. Edward Caminiti - welcome to In-depth Reviews. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: A title that came right down the middle of the road for me. Not bland or unimaginative; yet it wasn't sublime or eyeball grabbing powerful. It hinted at the rise of a new power, a fantasy - quite enough to interest.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I do not really know enough about writing to comment upon such things but I felt the emotions should come first (showing) and then the reasons for that emotion (telling, if you will). This was a bit of unemotional description. How would it be if the sentences were slightly altered? Thus: "What Kira was about to do hadn't been done in thousands of years. The very prospect of it frightened her. She prayed that the gods would forgive her. It's not as if she had a choice in the matter, anyway. Prisoners don't have choices"
Could become:

'Kira's insides were a hollow misery; she stood aghast at the prospect of what she was about to do. Not for a thousand years had it been attempted. Emotions seethed within her as she contemplated life as a normal carefree child. Alas, neither her birth nor her task was a matter of her choice; she was imprisoned by one - hence forced to the other.'

Just a rough sample of how the addition of telling can heighten one's perception of a story. You are free to use your own words or discard the idea altogether.

*Flower5* The Setting: If the setting was this fantasy world, one did not do more than glimpse it. This is often all right in a prologue. If the setting is for this part of the story, then it is inadequate. One needed to see more of the hall, or was it a cave? Torches and darkness suggested the latter, carpets and hallways - the former. How large was it, where was it? What were the walls - limestone, granite, shale, phosphorescent, precious stone or whatever flight of fancy you choose.

*Flower5* The Characters: There were a number of them - not only the King and Kira, there was the antagonist and his sidekick and the faithful servant who knew not Kira. A lot of loose ends, but doubtless you will tie them all up neatly, later. The characters using words such as 'darling' and

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I wanted more of this, although there was quite enough to go upon. I guess I am greedy - for instance:
The King's attire was described, why not do the same service to Kira's clothing? How does one discern that she is 'magic', what sets her apart from the rest? How did the king determine her unique ability?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked the direction this took, the reversal of fortunes as the see-saw of struggle takes place. Good work.

*Flower5* What I liked: This had the promise of something interesting and entertaining. I would definitely read more.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just a few:
Places where repetition weakened the sentence.
"Yet with all his power, he had never set her free to live a free life." Instead of repeating the word 'free' you could say 'set her free to lead her own life'. Or 'never freed her to lead an untrammeled existence'

"she knew that the Empire needed him more – more now than ever" Repeat of 'more', adjacent words at that - albeit separated by a hyphen. How about 'She Knew the Empire's need was greater than hers, more than ever, now.'?


Some points where the tense changed within the same sentence:
"She knew that he couldn't do that, no matter how much he may love her" 'no matter how much he might love her'


Adverb usage:
" Kira nodded solemnly. “I'm sure. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, I think." I'm not rabidly against adverbs but I can see that they do weaken the showing of a tale. How about making it 'Kira gave a solemn nod."? Also the addition of "I think" goes against the "I'm sure" that comes earlier in the sentence.

Awkward sentence construction:
"Though it was to Ziro Kira prayed the most, to Him she had devoted her life, He had never answered her pleas" I'd suggest a slight change, maybe - 'Ziro it was to whom Kira addressed most of her prayers, devoted all of her life; yet He had never answered those fervent pleas or rewarded that dedication.'

"This is not the woman she had wanted to grow to be when she was younger" I found that a bit confusing. The time of wish and the time of evolving becoming merged by the sentence construction. And a tense change.
Try:
'This was not the woman she had long to become; not once did this picture arise in her childish yearnings.'

"Kira always suspected that the priestesses maintained grudge against her." This reads almost like a translation from my national language, but it is awkward in English. Just the addition of the article 'a' to make it 'a grudge' makes things all right once more.


"She'd noticed them conversing amongst themselves often, periodically sneering at her as she sat in the corner of the palace libraries feigning deep study." I'd say this had three parts, with the first and the last belonging together, thus:
'As she sat in the corner of the palace libraries feigning deep study; she'd noticed them conversing amongst themselves often, periodically sneering at her.' Notice I left in the adverb? Occasional usage is OK, and here it seems to suggest a repetition of the sneering - which is an effective image.

Punctuation:
" Then, for a moment, she felt complete relief, the world became calm, her muscles relaxed, her resolve strengthened. " I'm not an expert on commas at all, but I thought there were too many in that sentence. It happens elsewhere too. If one needs so many pauses, a shorter sentence is desirable. Commas are like pepper, effective only if used judiciously. Try " Then, for a moment, she felt complete relief. The world became calm, her muscles relaxed, her resolve strengthened. " I have just substituted one comma with a period.

Usage of the right word in the wrong place:
" Calvin leered at her as Tristan, the second advisor, sided up to him" Do you mean 'sidled'? He 'sided' with someone if he was on their side. He 'sidled' up to someone if he moved with one side foremost especially in a furtive advance.

"looks like your time wish us will be cut a little shorter than we had anticipated." 'with'? Is that the word you meant to use?


" Kira spit in Tristan's zealous eyes" 'Sure about that one? I am not quite sure if it can be used that way, but it is your choice. It is used to describe a religious fanatic, that is Tristan to a T! *Laugh*


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

Reviewed for
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1488944 by Not Available.

** Image ID #1498377 Unavailable **
389
389
Review of Ever Near To You  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hellosecretvicks, welcome to my Simply Positive Reviewing. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I will be reviewing your piece in a gesture of friendliness. Please accept it in the spirit in which int is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: The title is almost like a spiritual item, inspirational and a tribute. Out of curiosity I glanced at the genre and was shocked to see 'Other". Is this because you could not bring yourself to classify this tribute to your friend? But Tribute is a choice - as is Friendship or Emotional, that would take nothing away from the item.

*Flower5* Rhyming: I loved the irregular step-step-step-dot-step-dot rhythm set up by the unusual rhyme choice of aaabab. After a diet of pure quatrains over the last twenty odd poems I have reviewed, this was refreshing. It is not the fault of the poet that many forms require quatrains like sonnets, or the Pantoum or even the Dorsimbra. Even on its own, it is attractive and lends itself to a variety of rhymes. This is all the more to be aluded then.

*Flower5* Meter: Impeccably kept and neatly explained for the uninitiated. I was sure of the tetrameter and dimeter, I just did not know of the form in particular. Thanks for the lucid explanation.

*Flower5* Grammar: I wondered a bit about your choice of which lines you had with first letter capital and which not. It was not according to their place within the sentence, or at least not consistently so -:

"Proud are my secret thoughts of you
breathing your happiness too,
my praise in your name is overdue" Here line one could have a comma at the end, but does not. The rest is as though written as one sentence.

"A field of gold,
How fragile, like a stick of bamboo,
is your story told." These are the following lines to the above and appear at first glance to be one long sentence too, marked out with commas. Yet here each line has capitalised first letters. It seems inconsistent, either one way or another - not both.

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I learned something new, Burn's stanza tradition. An attractive and rare format.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: The words and images chosen exemplify the person. A fragile story of wishful dreams, graciousness and wisdom, sweet and kind, and the shining pinnacle - "Your words speak Art"

*Flower5* Remarks: I would say the person who inspired these lines deserves much praise, but for penning such a handsome tribute you get a fervent*Thumbsup**Check2*



Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
390
390
Review of "The Best Gift"  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH - Welcome to my Simply Positive Reviews. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.



*Flower5* The Title: The choices in title were rather restricted with nature of the prompt. In spite of that limitation I think this does a good job of arousing both expectation and curiosity. The intro tells us it is going to be something unlike the norm.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is one story that had all the usual 'required' features in a story. Recognizable Beginning-Middle-End, Good Problem-Conflict-Resolution. All in a small package. The story was set up by an impeccable emotional and action-packed beginning.

*Flower5* The Setting: The emotional setting was deftly done, the physical setting is not really required in this tale.

*Flower5* The Characters: Each character, even the one who leaves it as she enters - Hannah - gets a cameo of detail.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There's not much, but there is just enough. The tale is one of powerful emotions and too much description might have got in the way. Arriving at the end - that subtle and unexpected twist - was that much more dramatic for arriving so quickly.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Unusual and tugged at all the right heartstrings.

*Flower5* What I liked: I remember this contest - I was pretty new on the site too, perhaps a month younger. What I liked is that I read the story in one breathless gulp from start to finish and was so replete at the end that I was amazed at its brevity. Exemplary writing.

*Flower5* Suggestions: *Shakes head from side to side in vigorous negation* Not one peep will you hear from me. It is perfect.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
391
391
Review of Sassy  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.
*Flower5* The Title: Cute and 'sassy' title. If there is a term for words that make the sound they describe - onomatopoeia - there should be one for titles that are what they embody. Onotitlea? I loved this title.

*Flower5* The Beginning: This was gentle beginning and yet it deftly set the scene for the tale. One was attracted to Sassy and wanted to know more about this bright and beautiful child. I would suggest dividing that first paragraph into two, the first being the introduction to Sassy and the short description, ending with 'even strangers remarking upon her beauty. Then comes the part about her past life and abuse, foster care etc. I think that would make an effective beginning even more lucid.

*Flower5* The Setting: It was a mood more than any physical setting and I think you hit it spot-on. There was the faint nostalgia, the tender affection, the fragile emotions of a little girl lost - all so well captured for us to see.

*Flower5* The Characters: Sassy lives, as too the supporting characters. Jeni and buddy and Susan, even the fleeting appearance of a compassionate family court judge.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I wonder if you have seen or experienced anything similar, the description were so 'perfect'. I remember my daughter lying on my chest all night when she was getting a cold - I used to nap in an easy-chair to allow easy access to getting up if needed. The bit about the child crooning to her doll in perfect imitation of the love she herself received was touching.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I thought it was flawless. It was more an introduction to a larger story as you yourself say. I sure will stay tuned for more about Sassy.

*Flower5* What I liked: There are no villains in the story, everybody is viewed with compassion, even the unfortunate mother who had to give up her child for adoption.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just one - let me know when you write more of Sassy.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
392
392
Review of Pain Pain Go Away  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* Simply Positive Reviews for this week.


*Flower5* I think it is apt that your piece is featured on Simply Positive, because you have taken a very positive attitude to tackle your pain. I am so sorry about this. I can understand because I suffered with a crippling sciatica for many years until the problem was diagnosed, and thankfully, corrected by an operation. It left me less physically able, but the pain is a shadow, a mere wraith of its former self.

*Flower5* The guy (or gal) who coined the term 'funny' bone must have had a couple of blows to it and not found any other way to describe it - perhaps having a limited vocabulary! It is 'funny-weird' not 'funny-amusing' that was the intended meaning methinks. The sensation was produced by sharp blows to the olecranon - the pointy bit of your elbow; which caused a jolt to the ulnar nerve running in its groove. The person had no knowledge of anatomy either (a singularly ill-informed person - no? *Laugh*) and called it a 'funny' bone. Yet it remains an ironic description for those who have the ulnar nerve causing pain.

*Flower5* I was under the impression that the branches of the brachial plexus passed under the clavicle into the axilla, would you say that was 'in the back of your shoulder'? I'm all for making things easier to visualise though and appreciate the statement of it concerning ring and pinky fingers rather than fourth and fifth digits!

*Flower5* I wish something we could do would make the pain go away, or at least subside to bearable levels. You are immensely brave, and your courage shines in your writing.

*Flower5* I do hope there is resolution in the future. I found this an excellent mix of 'rant', humour and enlightening observation, dexterity with words and painstaking effort in construction.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
393
393
Review of Earning It All  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Joy - welcome to Simply Positive Reviews for this week. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title, it spoke of a just reward and vindication. I liked it even better after reading the story and seeing how it became the leit motif of the tale.

*Flower5* The Beginning: I think names should be chosen with care, if you make her XY she should behave and appear to have all the attributes of the community suggested by the name. Or she could be a complete contrast to those expectations, but somewhere a recognizable cameo must be created. Or else go for a neutral name. Fleischman is German -Jewish in sound, and it originally meant 'butcher'. I also thought the first para was a bit vague in parts, what was the lack of skill in business interactions that Janice was demonstrating? Is Finance the only field where people push themselves hard to get ahead? In the sentence "why anyone could push himself so brutally just to get ahead in the world" Shouldn't it be ' how anyone could push themselves to get ahead' or 'why anyone would push themselves to get ahead'? How could you, why would you. These rather took away from the taut beginning I expected.

*Flower5* The Setting: The touch about the plaque on the wall, the addition of a quirky headgear to one character, the story had little touches that lifted it above the mundane.

*Flower5* The Characters: I'd have liked to 'see' more of Janice. Did she fiddle with the horn buttons on her silk blouse as she waited for the loan officer to return? Did she run fingers through her neat stylish cap of mink brown hair? Were her feet encased in demure black Mary Janes, crossed at the ankle just as women were taught to do a century ago? Whatever you choose to add, just a little detail to flesh out the Fleischman! (I know, my puns are terrible - I just can't resit tho'! *Laugh*)

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The little voice in Janice's head and her determination to earn her money were good touches. I presume by seven o'clock news you mean TV - not radio? Would such a small incident make it as lead story? The progression of events was logical, it was just the little details that worried. The bit about sterilizing the combs between two clients was a deft touch, it immediately set the scene at the salon.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: You might imagine, from my many comments that I was luke warm about the story. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I just loved the message, I liked the way it was driven home and emphasised at the end. The story is a semi-mystery and the suspense needs a little effort to make it flawless.

*Flower5* What I liked: The moral of the story. Very few pieces have this kind of moral conviction in their characters. Even fewer have tidy 'happy endings'. I enjoyed reading this.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
I found one detail a little bewildering, the stalker wears the same straw hat at all times - sort of begging to be recognised? A gardener in a straw hat which is distinctive and the lawyer does not ask him to take it off before starting on a more dubious errand? I think it should be the bulbous nose that startles her - she can see it in profile first (that way the gardener does not see her) and peep back from behind a tree to get it full face.

She sees the gardener after she has seen the lawyer, you'd think he would have sent word to the gardener to make himself scarce.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
394
394
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello - welcome to Simply Positive Reviews. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Of course every body is tech-savvy these days and one would have to look hard and long to find someone who did not understand the abbreviation here. I like the contradiction in the title - the assumption that something that is pure mind can have a bodily function and 'reproduce'. Each time the AI extends itself to some new area it 'grows' and 'reproduces', much as a patch of growing moss would. To think of it having offspring boggles the mind. Interesting enough to invite into the item. I also like the fact that the individual chapters have titles. I presume the 'old dogs' are old warriors' or 'seafarers'? Oh, well - don't tell me. I will read and find out for myself!

*Flower5* The Beginning: This had some powerful imagery supported by your great illustration. I loved it all, even the metaphor/simile with billiards. Good taut beginning. I was bit doubtful about the way the word 'billiards' was used, I will elaborate in my suggestions below.

*Flower5* The Setting: The piece is long enough to allow some more descriptions of the places the characters move through. It will add to the setting. I liked the bit about 'transparent stell' but to make it more authentic you could make it 'that transparent material that used to be called 'steel' before the addition of the 157th element Innovatum gave it the appearance of clear glass'. It was now 'Glassium'. Or whatever twist you want to give it. Such leaps of imagination are required in a Sci-Fi novel. Read Asimov to get a sense of what I am trying to say.
I liked what you wree trying to do here - "Dealing in Elation has a bad habit of pissing off the UEP. You know that’s the third major Elation operation they shutdown this year?”
" It was pretty close to 'Ecstasy' and 'DEA' - but if that was what you intended to suggest, that is fine.

*Flower5* The Characters: Good names, near enough to present ones to roll easily of the tongue, yet unusual enough to be fantasy. Baddies just never change do they? Dagiri reminded me of the cold merciless mob capo.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Watches and PDAs still exist -they just create holographic images!

I suggest you use some other innovative methods to suggest the future is a leap ahead in gadgetry. how about a small ear-stud that when pressed sends a consciousness of times all over the planet? Or a ring that projected that holographic image? Medallions, headbands, you name it.

Otherwise I thought the details were sufficient to prop up the action.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked the element of the unexpected and the unknown. Despite reading the prologue, I still do not know how you are getting to the stated end.

*Flower5* What I liked: Some deep thought has gone into its making, the characters are well rounded. There is a lot of description and action. Makes for a high degree of readability.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I just mention a few that caught my eye, feel free to ignore any or all of them:

"Like great billiards set in motion on a galactic pool table, the two boulders hurled through space at each other with fierce conviction. " A bit of mixed metaphor here, adversaries rush at each other with fierce conviction, balls hurtle towards each other in an orchestrated manoeuver manipulated by some outside player. And the balls are 'billiard balls' not 'billiards' by itself. What are 'great billiards'? Do you mean 'giant billiard balls'. You use 'great' as adjective a sentence away to describe behemoths, it is both repeat of word and tautology.

"Julius watched the spectacle from his vantage point on the other side of the transparent steel wall." Transparent steel wall - huh? Unless they have changed the physical properties of steel - it isn't transparent! And if it is changed - why it isn't steel at all. After all Iron which did not rust became steel.


"He saw himself in everything he saw" The repeated word makes the sentence a bit awkward. Perhaps - "He saw himself in everything around him."?

"There he found the cratered and crumpled rocks, combined with sharp edges more appealing" I think the operative phrase got split in two. "He found more appeal there, in the crated and crumpled rocks with sharp edges."

"He briefly wondered how old the asteroids were; older than he was? Perhaps. Although he would not consider himself young, over a hundred years old was a long time." In terms of things in space - even asteroids, one hundred years is a fraction of a second.

"A black plaque hung with an embossed Jolly Roger skull and crossbones" Again - was it hung with an embossed JG etc.? Was it both embossed and hung? Hung where? It is not clear.

"Apparently, one of the power generators had overheated and scrammed" Is this some kind of computer lingo? I thought 'scram' was slang for an impolite way of saying 'Go away!'.

"Julius never found out who it was, but he told himself that when he did, he plans on ejecting them into space" The tense changes within the sentence - it should be 'planned'.

"Julius came to a stop at the elevator when he noticed a pungent, sulfuric odor in the air" I thought the term was 'sulphurous'? Of course the choice of spelling varies from 'sulphur' to 'sulfur', but the use of lower valency term seemed universal the last I checked.

"Suddenly, there was a hard shutter in the ship" Do you mean shudder?

"He quickly reached the sheet and carefully grabbed it with both hands." I am not rigid about adverb usage - you can use 'em on occasion. But two in the same sentence makes it sluggish in the showing field. Try it altered like this: 'He jack-knifed himself to the sheet in one deft move; reaching out with careful hands to cup it with exaggerated care.'


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
395
395
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* 2008 Winter Snow Festival. I am trying to find your snowman!


*Flower5* The Title This was a wonderful title, it spoke to me of opportunity poised just within one's reach - ready to drift away. The unlikely choice of Winter as the season to give a kiss was also eye- catching and attention grabbing. Summer's sun oft kisses cheeks, how many would want the icy kiss of a winter?

*Flower5* The Mood The intertwined prose and poetry, with both centrally aligned, it made an attractive picture.

*Flower5* What I liked most The story progresses naturally to its perhaps inevitable ending. The introduction of the brother provided a bit of comic relief in the intense emotion.

*Flower5* What I felt needed a second look A bit of punctuation, a look at sentence construction. It matters little in poetry, it makes a big difference inprose. It depends on what you intend to present to the reader.

*Flower5* My Favourite Bit
"Please come home with me
Take a chance on our romance
Trust these feelings as they dance
Off the ice and into me "

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1491283 Unavailable **
396
396
Review of Seasons Change  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* 2008 Winter Snow Festival. I am trying to find your snowman!


*Flower5* The Title I like the title and the way the different parts of the story outline the changing seasons of a life. This was a title that had levels of meaning within it.

*Flower5* The Mood The tale is a powerful one ad told by one who is a deft detailer of events. The intertwined destinies and the description of that insidious slide were good, Some of the metaphor and simile was sublime. I loved "I ate up our time together like an alcoholic on the upslope of a bender" & "I felt like the racetrack at the Kentucky Derby"

*Flower5* What I liked most I loved the fact that there is no conventional ending to the story. In a tale of this length you might expect a 'resolution'; it is far more effective to keep it true to life without any definite ending.

*Flower5* What I felt needed a second look I just thought that perhaps in such a long tale the use of first line indent would help to accentuate the one line space between paragraphs. Just a suggestion.


*Flower5* My Favourite Bit Like I said before, the descriptions are good, my pick? -
"I recalled how she had a dollop of mayonnaise on her chin and I wanted to kiss it off but instead I just tapped my chin and nodded her way. I had never wanted to be a napkin before."

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1491283 Unavailable **
397
397
Review of Season of Storms  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* 2008 Winter Snow Festival. I am trying to find your snowman!


*Flower5* The Title I liked the suggestion of raw nature in the title, it spoke to me of upheaval of a battle between forces. It might be about nature's storms or about life's storms, but it promised to be interesting.

*Flower5* The Mood The mood of something angry ravaging a home, and of being helpless in the presence of a mighty storm was well depicted. I did not understand some bits, there is an arrangement into four line verses, centrally formated. This naturally creates an expectation of either rhyme or rhythm. Since you use neither, would not free verse have been a better choice?

*Flower5* What I liked most

*Flower5* What I felt needed a second look My what a pretty ribbon you have. I always hesitate to say much about previously awarded items, because the award seems to say that we should all find the piece to be just as worthy of praise. But each one looks at the piece from their own unique angles and different judges would have picked different winners.

What I found was that - Words are repeated, like 'storm' and 'wind'. The descriptions are of expected words, 'winds howling', 'storms raging' and 'doors rattling'. I expected something having a lot more imagery.

*Flower5* My Favourite Bit There was one line that I particularly liked:
"I cannot sleep for the storms that threaten"

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1491283 Unavailable **
398
398
Review of The Unknown Girl  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* 2008 Winter Snow Festival. I am trying to find your snowman!


*Flower5* The Title The title told us of something that was a conundrum, it said it would tell the tale of someone unknown, and yet the narrator would have known of her - right? The puzzle was solved because it was related by the unknown person herself, but by then I was hooked into the story by its emotional beginning.

*Flower5* The Mood Children should be protected as delicate blooms, it tears me apart whenever I hear of a child suffering. I think my throat was choked through much of the reading. Yet the tale was hopeful and had an uplifting ending. Over here we say the Lotus blooms in polluted waters, the most amazing thing here is the power of love. The one between two adopted children. It also teaches us not to judge or regard skin colour.

*Flower5* What I liked most There was a thin undercurrent of humour that gave us a relief from the relation of stark suffering. For example the line:
" Unfortunately only my second choice for a name, since Mom wouldn't let me pick Cinderella" The language is simple and keeps to the natural memories of a childhood.

*Flower5* What I felt needed a second look Nothing, it was well told and impeccably framed.

*Flower5* My Favourite Bit I liked the reaching out that is implicit in this line. We all need someone like this.
"Elisabeth became my best friend, my rock, my only link to sanity."

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1491283 Unavailable **
399
399
Review of A Changed World  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* 2008 Winter Snow Festival. I am trying to find your snowman!


*Flower5* The TitleThe title was promising, it could have a story at one of many levels and themes. Intriguing and inviting. There was a hint of a tale set in some fantasy future too.

*Flower5* The Mood The beginning was chilling and instantly recognisable for the abuse that it depicted. That part of the setting was spot on. However, the tale was being narrated of past events, from a present viewpoint and it contained a flashback that made things a little unclear. When did the 'change' take place? Some undefinable moment afterwards - because between the flipping and the change Jake gets in one more episode of violence. However the inventive 'correction' - I wish it could be true! If only that were all that was at the root of abuse.

*Flower5* What I liked most The originality of the theme, it was refreshing to see where you took the idea of a changed world.

*Flower5* What I felt needed a second look I think the moment you (the narrator) could sense the change occurring should be defined or at least hinted at. Like "It was only perhaps three weeks later that an agonising scream came from Jake - I rushed into the bathroom to find him staring at the toilet bowl in bewilderment even as he held one hand to his abdomen to quell the cramping pain." Or would that be taking the 'dream' too far?

*Flower5* My Favourite Bit Good ol' Grandma - coming to the rescue. To think she had the solution to all our misery in her hands - and she did not use it! Just wondering about that sets me off giggling, to think of Hitler ... y'know?

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1491283 Unavailable **
400
400
Review of Poetry Attic  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is part of the *Heart**Heart**Heart* 2008 Winter Snow Festival. I am trying to find your snowman!
You have chosen the folder as your choice of hiding place for your snowman. SO I shall review the poem it contains for you to get something out of the exercise!

*Flower5* The Title I like the image created in the title, moments of time drifting down or even unfurling like petals. There is expectation of some vivid imagery and I dove right in.

*Flower5* The Mood The mood is sad and reflective, the time for falling petals then. The other image would have been for a more hopeful piece, perhaps of a burgeoning love. maybe you could do a contrasting companion piece to this one?

*Flower5* What I liked most The gentle sorrow implicit in this little delicate bloom. The regret is well depicted but it ends on a note of hope after descending to desperate depths.

*Flower5* What I felt needed a second look None, this was a but a tiny morsel, but 'twas carefully crafted.

*Flower5* My Favourite Bit "Tears fall like petals
Floating down, softly falling" These lines spoke of a sorrow that overflowed without volition, beyond control. Yet there is no desperation of frenzt, 'tis a gentle regret.

Jyo
Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*


** Image ID #1491283 Unavailable **
659 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 27 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jyo_an/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/16