Hello narnia3 - welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.
The Title: Mmm...I can't quite get a sniff of what you are trying to say here! (OK I apologise for the bad pun! ). I only mean that I do not see how this ties in with the main story yet. That is why i like chapter titles, they give meaning to each chapter. The title is short though that has high attention grabbing value. It also mentions a sense that one rarely uses as a human, so this might be about the near-human or the more-than-human.
The Beginning: I liked the natural conversation in this - the way Derik and Bianca are telling each other things for the millionth/billionth/zillionth and gazillionth time! It quite took me back to my childhood when my brother and I would escalate out insults at each other ('You're stupid, you're twice as stupid, you’re thrice as stupid---etc ad nauseum!) until one of us touched infinity. I wonder why we never went straight to that magic concept but worked ourselves there bit by painful bit! But why bore you with what happened a gazillion years ago?
But although it was easy to swallow the introduction of werewolves in that carefree banter; the rest of the details seemed pushed down one's throat. You are not bothered by length here- why not have some more conversation between the characters to introduce the 'phasing' and 'circulation' and 'calculation'?
The time period confused me a little - the Iggy Pop album seemed to place it in the 1970's. Because the kids seemed to be listening to contemporary music - there was no mention of golden oldies or the parent's having liked the music. Then the CD player is described as belonging to the Dad. But there weren't CD players then, were there? Later you talk of WW III taking place three years before Bianca was born, so this is futuristic. But the living style is unchanged. This was the only thing that threw me off, but if I read more it might be explained.
The Setting: The scenes are not the strong point of this part. The conversation is the highlight. If you scroll down and see how much of it is conversation you realize there is little detailing done. This could be remedied if you wish. What were the woods like? What were the houses like? What kind of clothing was worn?
The Characters: Some stand out, especially Declan, he is well fleshed-out. (OK, that is positively my last bad pun! . It is obvious by midway through the story that this young werewolf is the unlikely counter protagonist to Bianca's heroine. I won't call him hero though. I like the way the need for Declan to wear a robe when he morphs is described. Good use of imagination. I found too many characters in there, too many generations of them to keep straight. Especially with their long lives, making that complication inevitable. The Lokoti werewolves are described as having tribal elders. Then it is mentioned that three of them were werewolves, what is that supposed to mean? "The Lokoti Werewolves are highly esteemed members of the Lokoti tribe. Three of our nine Tribal Elders are Werewolves. The Werewolves were seen as our guardians"
The Descriptions: I got that Lokotis are Alaskan. That fact was tucked away in one small part of the story. But the mention of Susan and her children as 'non-whites' was bit disconcerting. The grandmother is described as English -would that not make her a non-white'? Would not the use of the term non-natives' or 'non-tribals' be better?
A lot of the description seems not 'meshing’. The grand-mother is described as meeting someone special in 1985 and having children much later. Yet the kids listen to 70s music?
The Story as a Whole : I liked the addition of futuristic touches to werewolves, the merging of past and future fantasy seemed inspired.
What I liked: I like the delicate burgeoning of a 'something' between Declan and Bianca. It is set off by their seeming indifference bordering on distaste in previous encounters.
Suggestions:
There are places where commas might be added or the sentence re-arranged:
"“Bianca Grace I have been calling out your name for the past ten minutes!" Say it out aloud; the need for natural emphasis makes a pause after a marked and crescendo 'Bianca Grace'. I think a comma would not be out of place there. There are other places too.
Some words that seemed not quite the mot juste.
" Because I’m already in the custom of instantaneously phasing in and out of my 17 year old daughter’s bedroom at my leisure" "at the drop of a hat' (or even 'drop of a light-beam' to keep it contemporary) or 'without good reason' might be better used. She is not coming up the stairs at her leisure is she, or 'phasing' at her leisure at other times? Even "’ll be sure to pass on your open invitation to your father so he knows that he too can suddenly appear inside your bedroom at his preference." even sarcastically, I think 'at any time he chooses' would flow smoother. But perhaps her mother always likes longer words when angry? That would be a good character detail to work in!
"and Derik was left chuckling in her aftermath" I was chuckling too, at the unusual use of the word aftermath. I think mothers are not quite devastating events though - or are they?
"Derik sighed wistfully as he left my bedroom and he walked down the small corridor to the stairs, and after throwing me one last look, he jogged down my poky little stair case." The pronoun 'he' occurs three times, are all necessary?
"Derik and I looked to each other, each of us wondering if the other had heard that? as we laid on our stomachs on top of my bed, listening to the old CD play on the old CD player that used to be my Dad’s." I would have preferred 'looking at'. The word beginning the second sentence lacks a capital. The repeat of the adjective 'old' for both the CD and the player implies a paucity in vocabulary. That is not true - so was that deliberate, to underline the age of the items?
Some long sentences, peppered with commas. They would benefit from being broken up into two smaller sentences.
"I held the gravy boat for Mum as she finished doling out our glasses of milk, and then she took it from me, poured it, and then passed it to Dad, also passing him a small smile" I found the combination of milk and gravy at the same meal a rather strange combination, but tastes differ; so I'll move on. How about, 'I held the gravy boat for Mum as she finished doling out our glasses of milk. She took it from me, poured it and then passed it to Dad; giving him a tiny smile as she did so.'
A little splitting of objects or actions in sentences - this makes them confusing
“So how many people are we talking about here, that the pack has been asked to play law enforcers by removing?” I suggest:“So how many people are we talking about here, that need to be removed as the pack play law enforcers?”
It just needs a second look. The longer the piece, the more likely that typos might creep in and commas get misplaced. It is a fine story that deserves the turning to the next chapter. I must say I never expected to be riveted by a story about werewolves. You have a talent for getting into the character of the young teenagers described. The delicacy with which you unveil Bianca's nascent powers is good too. Her sudden popularity and her ability to see in the dark for instance, I will definitely be back to read more.
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