This sounds like something that someone would write after a bad breakup. At age 71, and having been through a few bad breakups, I never considered love to be like snake oil. Perhaps that's because my definition of love comes from the Bible:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Your few words did communicate your feelings, I believe. On that I commend you. Myself, I tend to be verbose.
I always enjoy reading the thoughts of others about life and living. As we grow and mature and travel through the different stages of life, what is important to us usually changes as well.
I particularly liked your last 2 lines:
Life's quality and quantity is a gift from the Creator.
The truth is life is the sum of the quality and quantity we give it.
I might add "that" between is and life: The truth is that is...
This is an excellent beginning to a story. Ny mind can think of so many ways that it could end.
I did question the use of "ill-portended". It was always my understanding that portended meant the foreshadowing of something probably calamitous, so does it need "ill" attached?
Well done. That had to be a fun prompt to follow. As I read the poem aloud, the flow was excellent. Your descriptive words were right on point. And I lived how you spelled "moo-ving". Good luck with your entry.
Your story captures two truths - discovering and developing your own artistic abilities is sometimes difficult. And so is being a parent. It's difficul to know how much encouragement and affirmations each child needs.
Your dialogue is good. I found no glaring errors.
By the way, most parents learn to say, "Tell me about your painting..
"
I loved reading this. It appears that you followed the prompt for the contest that you entered.
For me, though, it was fun to read. A gentleman who earned his living writing poetry once told me that all poetry should be read aloud. That allows us to find any parts needing tweaking.
I found your piece on the review page. Like that reviewer, I didn't find many mechanical problems although I would probably make some of the sentences shorter.
My son was your age when he became a vegetarian. Let me suggest that visit your physician regularly making sure that you get the right nutrients. My son ended up not being able to process B vitamins and the vitamin deficiencies caused 2 horrible physical ailments - neuropathy (he woke up one day not being able to feel his feet and hands, but they were also tingling and felt like they were on fire). That took 5 days in the hospital and 2 weeks in physical and occupational therapy, and he came home with a walker. In his 30s!
18 months later, I called an ambulance again, this time because he was bleeding from his nose and mouth. That turned out to be non-alcoholic liver problems. Both of these ended up being because he wasn't getting B vitamins, especially the ones that come from meat. It turns out that many people have this problem. Although he was taking all of the B vitamins, he could not process them. Now that he is eating meat again his vitamin deficiencies have disappeared. But he still has neuropathy and he will probably still need a liver transplant.
Much of what you shared, I obviously disagree with. The Bible mentions that eating meat is okay.
And as for honey,
Evidence shows that it can have several health-beneficial effects including antioxidant, anti-inflammatory,and antibacterial.
Do consult health experts. My son was a vegetarian for over 15 years and it negatively affected his health.
I'm so glad that I stumbled upon your poem. The last poetry class that I had was as a senior in high school in 1969-70. Your description as tanka poetry forced me to relearn what I had forgotten about this form. Thanks for that!
Your title doesn't tell let us know what is coming, but your description explains that a bit. And then comes the poetry. My favorite lines are the last two: Flowers grow in my presence;
they wave in the breeze, old friends. Since my favorite flowers are bright yellows, I could imagine a field with both daisies and sunflowers, definitely my old friends.
You achieved the 5, 7, 5, 7, 7 and your words elicited a positive response. As with all poetry, it is best read aloud.
Your title tells us what you want to explore. "I would change your teaser to this: Social media has become important in our daily lives. It has changed the way we communicate." That way the verb tenses match.
The introduction, body, and summary are all done well. I didn't find anything there that I would change or tweak. That being said, I was a bit disappointed that you didn't mention any of the drawbacks that society has experienced because of social media. Perhaps you can address that in another essay.
Good for you, being able to tell a story in so few words. Most of the folks in my family are too verbose for that, and my son even uses "Verbose" as his handle on social media.
The first thing that I would change is this: stole five high-value artwork. That just doesn't sound right, and adding an "s" to artwork doesn't sound right either. I would say "stole five high-value works of art".
This: Sam thought, “not bad for a few days work” the crew continued their crime spree for years before another scientist discovered how to track their invisible movements, and the reign of crime by the invisible gang as the media had dubbed them finally came to an end.
I would change to: Sam thought, “not bad for a few days work.” The crew continued their crime spree for years before another scientist discovered how to track their invisible movements. The reign of crime by the invisible gang, as the media had dubbed them, finally came to an end.
As for proving that they committed the crimes, I'm pretty sure that if the they tried to sell artwork from museums that eventually they would be caught.
Way back in 1969, my English teacher taught us that poetry and lyrics were one and the same. Well... When I read this as a poem, I instantly want do to a bit of tweaking, making sure that lines are more even, since reading them aloud shows that it's a bit awkward. As a poem, I would want the lines to have similar syllable lengths. Thankfully, you provided a link to your YouTube performance of this as a song. It works as a song. Whew.
As for the words, THANK YOU!!! for reminding me what we should all look forward to in the coming months. Cold and winter will not be forever. Soon we will all be able to to enjoy sunshine, and some will have the extra benefit of ocean breezes and sand between their toes.
I discovered your writing on the public reviews, and I'm glad that I did. The content was quite a surprise after reading the title and teaser. One would think that you were about to introduce us to a new romance. Instead it was about a visit to a sister. Sneaky.
Like that other reviewer, I would suggest that you change "my heart" to "her heart". The only other change would be to change "I just wanted to see how your doing" to "I just wanted to see how you're doing" since clearly you meant "you are doing".
No, dear poet, I am the lucky one! I feel lucky to have found another of your poems. And as I read it, I was counting my own blessings as well.
I noticed that you used the word "soughing" again in this one, which leads me to believe that you might be from the UK since that is where the word originates. My question to you, then, is how do you personally pronounce it - sowing or suffing?
Thanks for the positive reminder of things for which we should all be thankful. That's a great way to start the day.
I noticed your poem mentioned in public reviews. Like that reviewer, I loved your poem's title. (I'm infatuated with titles.)
Long ago, a man who earns his living writing poems told me that to truly enjoy poetry, every poem should be read aloud. Because of that, in addition to publishing poetry books, he also traveled the world reading his poems. And back then, he even put out records. (Yes, it was that long ago.)
As I read your poem, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Most lines have 8 syllables, at least one has 9 and a few have 7. In my younger years, I might have suggested a few ways to tweak that to make every line 8 syllables. But this now 71 year old - who has been writing poetry for 63 years herself - now believes that any tweaking should always be the poet's idea, especially when writing about matters of faith and God.
I think that you described being ill quite well in your poem. One thing that I learned long ago from a gentleman who earned a living writing poetry was that all poems should be read aloud to make sure that they sound like you want them to sound.
The one word that bothers me is "soughing". True, the word works. But if might make your readers stop in the midst of reading. The dictionaries tell us that you can say sowing or suffing for soughing. I might have selected a synonym, especially since the dictionaries point out that the definition is quite different in the US and the UK.
I loved your explanation of naming babies in your family. I didn't find anything that I would change.
You reminded me about the talks that my ex and I had about naming our own son. He wanted to name him after everyone. Seriously. He wanted to name our son Derek Andrew Wade Bruce John Scott Mackenzie Wilkerson. As it was, he did end up with some of those names. His birth certificate has 5 names on it.
You have become quite the reviewer. It reminds me of my early days here at Writing.com, when I did everything I could to earn gift points or free memberships.
I enjoyed reading about your musical family, and how you entertained each other.
A few tips:
Papa and Mama always played the opening number. They sang a duet eitherin Cebuano, our dialect, or any English love Song. There was one Spanish Song that they both sang and I love it even now - "Besame Mucho". Both Papa and Mama have lovely voices. Each one of us has a favorite song either a song we learned from school or the hit songs we heard over the AVEGON AM radio, our best family treasure.
She opened the piano and let me stood beside her.
Should be: let me stand beside her.
Thanks for being such an active member.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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