Hello Jay Remi !
Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger. This is only one reader's opinion, and I could very well be wrong!
First Impressions:
You have some wonderful details--the sights and sounds bring your settings to life. The hum of the lights, the breath visible in the air, the torn wallet--all great descriptions!
Mechanics:
You show a nice command of language; your grammar and spelling are great. I've picked out a few of my favorite punctuation nits. They aren't a huge deal, but I find that fixing minor "stuff" makes a piece seem more polished.
Semicolon to join complete sentences:
She has just given birth to a little girl, she was stillborn.
She has just given birth to a little girl; she was stillborn.
Some missing punctuation:
"We need to operate"
"We need to operate."
Flow/Content:
The plot so far is riveting. You've thrown the main character into a tough situation right at the beginning, and it is easy to feel sorry for him.
There are places that could be tighter, in my opinion. There is some repetition, where you've used the child's passing and the frosty breath in two places. You could cut the extras or rephrase those sections.
Doctor O'Connell has just started his shift,
Consider starting a new paragraph here. You could even go into the doctor's brain and give this information through his point of view. It would be easy since you've already discussed how he'd rather be shooting pool--another wonderful little tidbit that fleshes out this story.
Jeff stands up and walks....
This would be a nice place to start a new paragraph. The prior sentences show his internal state, and here you are giving him action. I love that you show that he looks a mess on the outside too--so much that the nurse thinks he's drunk! That is a detail that makes the scene real.
The one thing that disrupts the flow seems to be point of view--which is difficult for most people. I try to start a new paragraph when the speaker or actor changes--that helps me remember who's eyes I'm using. Usually.
Here, when Jeff walks, you are speaking as narrator, but the second sentence seems more like it is from Jeff's point of view. It can't be, though, because he can't see his own eyes. There is nothing wrong with the paragraph as it is, but it could be finessed.
Consider combining two of the sentences for clarity and flow. Maybe something like:
He stares lifelessly down the hall with hazy, distorted eyes.
Another thing I scan for are verbs like "be/make/do". They tend to throw an active sentence into passive voice. This is my favorite line. It is excellent as foreshadowing and setting at the same time:
"The exit sign occasionally flickers making the room tint red.
Consider:
The exit sign occasionally flickers, tinting the room red.
Overall:
I've given examples of some of the things I've noticed. You've got the story down--it is interesting, emotional, and descriptive. Having a solid story is the hard part. The remainder is editing, which isn't difficult so much as boring.
There is a lot of tension in this first chapter, which is a great start for a novel. Heartbreak and indecision rule, and just when you think the guy will off himself--bam! Boy, do you know how to write an end line! This one really captures a sense of adventure, and courage in the face of adversity. It makes me want to read the next chapter, so if you let me know when it's finished, I'd love to review it. And, if you decide to edit the first chapter, I'd be happy to take another look at it.
Thanks for showing how setting is integral to the story, lending excitement and holding the pace. Keep writing!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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