This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
This poem drifts along gently to show the snowflake in all her glory. She and her beautiful ice-sisters are etched in my memory. I also enjoyed the progression of seasons shown by the flowers and leaves.
I really like the repetition of "no more, that's it, enough," and the way it all turns around for the girl at the end. We have to hit rock bottom sometimes so we can see the path back up.
A few considerations you may accept or discard at your pleasure:
"lay there" - and lies there on the bed
(present tense matches "closes her eyes")
redy - ready
My favorite lines: No more, that's it enough!
she states.
I will not let you win,
for I am armed with knowledge,
and redy to begin.
Thanks for inviting me into your port! I can relate to this poem on depression.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
An enchanting poem about a wonderful subject. It's short, but carries impact with the lovely rhyming and all the twinkleage.
I do suggest looking at the last two lines; they are much longer than the others, and the wording a bit awkward.
Also "incredibly enchanting" isn't concrete. I'm thinking of using a noun to describe the Milky Way, but I can't think of one at the moment. Only one opinion in the galaxy, of course.
I enjoyed the journey into outer space. Thanks for making me remember nights lying on a blanket, wondering who or what is up there. Nice job.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
just laughed and said they’d be fine
Why not use dialogue? It might help orient the reader in the story. (Unless the exercise forbid it.)
sounded like I was back in Boston in my apartment near the T.
I assume the T is a train? How did that sound?
when something hit the house
Did the house shake? Was there a boom? Since this is an intense scene you may wish to describe it for more emotional impact.
I like the contrast of how two different women handled the chaos, the old pro keeping her valuables in the freezer and the newbie trailer dweller having no clue. The dogs provide some humor, too. Nice job.
Congrats on your impending nuptials! Hope your special day is stuffed full of joy!
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Such humor in this piece! I remember the days cruising in Georgetown with my girlfriends, trying to find a club and then a parking place. I like how you used "the rules" and especially the comparison of men to buses.
Still, this felt a bit flat. Maybe it was because I couldn't see the girls. Their personalities came through, but maybe put them in clothes that match? Part of the fun of clubbing is getting dressed to the nines, in my opinion. I have a hard time keeping characters straight when I can't see them, so it may just be my preference.
"Jillian, time is the one thing
I think this should be in its own paragraph, since you're switching speakers.
Great job fitting in the titles. Especially liked "wocket in my pocket", although I'm glad those days of being hit on by idiots are behind me.
Thanks for an entertaining read! Have a fabulous holiday season!
A Simply Positive review for you. If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
This is so cute! Cyber-Santa rocks!
Suggestions: a fast connection
You might want to specify--internet connection--for clarity.
employee’s. - employees
Mostly he did software and video games...he never talks
For consistency, you might want to use "does", since this is written in first person point of view.
The joke about Dad was - is?
I'm not sure if Dad isn't around anymore, or if the children are now grown and no one jokes about him as Santa. It seems strange to put Dad so far in the past when this clearly takes place in the 21st century.
she was careful not call him - missing word? not to call
Dad ruffled Jimmies hair - Jimmy's hair
Great job showing action instead of using a dialogue tag.
After a while, I started feeling really bad,
Why did he feel bad? I get the impression the speaker is younger than the 12-year-old, due to the ending, but this isn't clear.
I heard enough.
This feel anti-climactic after the line about Dad's eyes. Maybe stretch it out a bit to show how he believes? I think part of the problem is that the word count is right on top of it.
Shine: Actually, he didn’t deliver the presents; he had his elves do it for him because he didn’t leave the computer room unless he had to.
Overall:
You still have a few hundred words--why not flesh this out a bit more? I'd like to see Santa sitting at his computer, or see Jimmy jumping up and down when he says, "Moon sand!"
I feel the affection the main character has for his family, especially his dad. I know he loves his brother, even though it's his duty to fake apathy, shown in the line, "I don't know why." I can see him rolling his eyes.
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First Impressions:
Plot
Great job getting inside one character's head. So little happens, but each emotion is portrayed so thoroughly and realistically that we are willing to ride along to the shocking climax. Especially enjoyed the irony of "having no choice".
Mechanics focussing inward - focusing
Fave line/s The room is getting smaller; everyone in it is shrinking, their voices fading away. I don’t feel myself walk over to the cage. I’m detached from the whole scene, but I know that I have no choice either way; they’ve decided I’m going to do it and they’re bigger and stronger and older than me. No choice.
Overall:
Very well done. The probability of this having happened somewhere in the world is far more frightening than a ghost or an alien. Great job fitting in the prompt in a unique manner. Write on!
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First Impressions:
Horrifying. Plenty of description loaded with vivid details.
Plot
It's a simple plot, but the dramatic musings of an insane farmer carry it well to the foregone conclusion.
I especially liked how you show madness in the man's comments about feeling sorry for the horses. The cough from the demons was also a nice touch. At least he was sane enough to have a conscience.
Flow
The melodrama reminds me of Poe. (That's a compliment.) I would only ask you to use past perfect (had carved, etc.) sparingly.
Also, a few instances of "that" were not needed.
Mechanics
Thanks for editing your work to bring out the plot and themes.
Fave line/s God has called you to Heaven, Mildred, and you are not heeding His call. Such strange actions for a lifelong God-fearing woman.
Overall:
Great voice in this piece, showing a man's obsession with demons and "love" for his wife. Write on!
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First Impressions:
Way to twist that tale!
Plot/Flow
The only suggestion I have is move the third paragraph to the beginning. The cat would be able to see all the events unfolding, making for a smoother read.
Mechanics but he has to be strong - had
Appreciate your attention to grammar and punctuation!
Fave line/s He had hidden there on many of his previous escape attempts; he found it to be much easier to hide there than in the open fields where his movements could be heard.
Overall:
A cute and original take on the prompt. Write on!
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First Impressions:
I can see why Jason was scared! It was a matter of time--thirty long years.
Plot
I'm going back and forth between liking and disliking the prologue as epilogue. The final line feels right, yet the scene comes too late to give any new information. Just thought I'd let you know my conflicting feelings.
I'm still not sure I believe Lily's motivation for staying tethered to the earth plane. It seems as though she would forgive someone she loved so much, so that portion doesn't ring true. I think more background about their relationship prior to her death would give the reader more emotional satisfaction--like she had the right to her rage.
Now Jason--his guilt and fear jumps off the page. I can understand his point of view. I can even understand why he might be waiting for his punishment.
Flow
Insert the character's name as soon as possible. In this case, "His name was Jason" feels like an author's intrusion.
He now knew that his dead wife....
This tells the reader what they already know. I'd remove it.
The scenes flow logically, although the jumps in point of view between the cat and man might be more smooth.
When that changed, she couldn't say.
He winced....
When changing points of view, it is often useful to have the two parties interact in some physical way. Touching the same item, or at least looking at the same item helps to re-orient the reader from one person's eyes to the other person's eyes.
Mechanics just go." he pleaded. - go," he pleaded.
Fave line/s A passerby would have seen an astonishing sight at that moment: the transformation of a cat into a spectral woman. Her gown glowed like moonlight, her eyes flashed with malevolence, and a sneer cut across her face.
Overall:
Love how Lily gives Jason a heart attack--it's fitting and realistic. Lots of details remind us how Jason is feeling his age versus just telling us he's old. A well-drawn character--old enough to know better but too attached to life to "give up the ghost". Write on!
Wow! She really is a strong woman. I'm sure I'd be scared witless in such a circumstance.
I would like to have heard her explain how she's going to keep him from contacting her, and then hearing him squirm, realizing it's true. Not sure how to do that, maybe they had a mutual acquaintance skilled at exorcism?
Great story. I know how hard it is to write all dialogue. Write on!
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First Impressions:
A creative take on the prompt with a unique voice. I love seeing through the eyes of animals--especially when they are smarter than their humans.
Suggestions found me of no interest. I quickly found the open window and found myself
Repetition; no suggestions.
a flying lesson”. He muttered
a flying lesson,” he muttered
If this is not a dialogue tag, perhaps "he continued to mutter" would work better. The comma goes inside the quotation marks, followed by the dialogue tag. "I'm totally serious," I said.
the front down suddenly flew
the front door?
here.” The thicker one said
here,” the thicker one said
came; “what happened?”
came, “What happened?”
The big man enjoyed hearing her scream
This is a shift in point of view. How does the cat know he enjoyed her screams?
said simply; “shut up”.
said simply, “Shut up”.
“it’s party time
“It’s party time
down the hallway to the bedroom
Perhaps "toward the bedroom" might make this more clear, since one goes into the bedroom and the other does not. Also, there's no mention of the cat following the men--he's near the kitchen and presumably sees everything from the hallway until the end. I suggest moving the cat between scenes if possible.
Jennie had never been this terrified. Who was this man?
Another shift in POV, which feels out of place. I have no suggestions; it is very hard to switch points of view in a story this short and do it seamlessly.
olafactory deprived
olfactory-deprived
in th rear of the kitchen.
in the rear
still lie asleep.
still lay asleep.
Shine: With growing disappointment I recalled that humans are nearly blind and extremely olafactory deprived.
Overall:
The cat saved the day, and still remained invisible to Joe. That's a tragedy.
Great job showing the cat's personality with active verbs. Reminds me a bit of Stuie on the TV show "Family Guy". While the cat cares greatly for his "pets", it is all forgotten come chow time. A satisfying ending. Write on!
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First Impressions:
Spooky and realistic.
Suggestions
Early on the text states she had given up on feeling guilty about wishing Starletta ill, and then later she chides herself for doing exactly that. Not sure if this was an intentional juxtaposition, but thought I'd point it out.
I wish there were more about the brother who left. We can guess at the end that he didn't actually leave, but more about his odd behavior after the wedding might help cement the notion that all was not as it seemed in their marriage.
I like hearing the narrator's internal thoughts, but consider building up from a general unease to the death fantasies. Her thoughts about how she wants Starletta dead seem a bit scattered, but not enough to say she's mentally unbalanced.
No technical suggestions. Thank you for the excellent mechanics--this story was a joy to read.
Shine: A bitter retort would not penetrate the armour of this insanity. Starletta was no longer on the planet, she thought. She was delusional and trying to best her would serve no discernible purpose, sapping the little energy Eileen had left.
Overall:
The pacing is about right, except as noted above. I felt for the poor victim; it seems no good deed goes unpunished. Write on!
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Wow. I like that you've explored the benefits and drawbacks to so many different kinds of love. Through passion and friendship to true knowledge of your own self, shown in the final lines with the mirror. Excellent!
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Excellent tension and description here: Then I noticed his eyes. The violet irises flashed oddly, which made me lean closer to be certain I’d seen it. Something grabbed hold of me from within.
Lots of unnecessary commas in this piece. The only other critique I have is the ending. The story starts with a woman telling the story of how her dream came true, but the ending suggests it was a dream. I felt a bit cheated at the switcheroo, but I have no suggestions on how you might keep the suspense otherwise. Just one opinion in a sea of readers.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Fantastic imagery! I especially liked "singular as snowflakes".
Fave lines: Dragons in the clouds
Fashioned from iridescent mist
With sunbeam shrouds
Fantasy secretly kissed
I wasn't as keen on "fantasy secretly kissed" because it feels like a forced description. However, pantoums are incredibly difficult to write, and you did a great job with the form.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Kind of frightening, and it makes me glad I don't live in FL. Thanks for including the magazine that inspired you.
Read aloud, this sounds like a conversation if one ignores the line breaks. The rhymes seem forced into the structure, and that detracts from the flow. My suggestion is to eliminate the rhyme which might give this piece more freedom to roam.
I especially liked the word play of the last line! Thanks for making us aware of this threat.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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First Impressions:
Good misdirection in the beginning--I was all set to hate Tony for being such a jerk to his wife!
Suggestions:
Check your formatting and punctuation. Only one blank line is needed between paragraphs.
"Oh well, here we go".
In dialogue the period (or comma if there's a dialogue tag) go inside the quotation marks.
"It can't be". He grumbled sleepily.
"It can't be," he grumbled sleepily.
This looks like a dialogue tag, which should be connected to the main sentence with a comma.
"Yes. He said that...."
Since the entire paragraph contains the speech of one person, remove all the quotation marks except at the beginning of the first sentence and end of the last.
firmly but gently and
firmly, but gently, and
(Comma before conjunction.) Punctuation helps the reader know which phrases go together. It is especially useful in mimicking natural speech patterns.
was laying in her basket,
was lying in her basket
Favorite line/s: Tony murmured as he sat up, propped his head on his hand, and reached for a cigarette. As the smoke billowed from his nose, he scratched his head. Great visual!
Overall:
I found the dialogue somewhat formal for a discussion about birth. But I'm guessing you are from England or another country which uses more formal speech, from the expression "ring the vet".
I enjoyed this story about the trials and tribulations of preparing for birth.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Suggestions: certainly not a dog as me and housebreaking a dog was a proven failure
Perhaps: certainly not a dog, as my attempts at housebreaking a dog were a proven failure.
toys and a big smile.
Since this is a list, consider emphasizing the smile.
toys--and a big smile.
You named the dog after me?
She says this twice.
she is giggling
she was giggling
Fave lines: "You always said that you were the one person who would not have a problem with ‘empty nest' syndrome, didn’t you?”
I did say that. But that was before my youngest ever thought about using those wings I’d given her.
I love your sense of humor, your ability to look back at the pain and laugh. This flows very well; the ending ties into the beginning nicely. And the picture of your cute ball of fluff is a nice touch.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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I enjoyed your cute story, and wanted to give you my impressions.
First of all, from the description, I thought Mirabelle was the bunny, until the word "girl". I'm not sure if that is purposeful misdirection. If it is not, then perhaps use the description to tease--leaving out the identity of the Monster.
Great descriptions of a little girl's irrational fear. It always amazes me to see a child's mind in action--the creativity that sees fairies flying from a carbonated drink (guilty!) also conjures monsters. Totally believable.
The only concrete suggestions regard punctuation. It looks like the dialogue tags need commas where you have periods. And there's a declarative sentence punctuated as a dialogue tag.
...you a present.” Daddy said.
...you a present,” Daddy said.
Fave lines: Mirabelle stared at her yellow dog slippers poking out from under the afghan. The dog’s tongue was frazzled at the end, red strings hanging in all directions. She grabbed one of the strings and ripped it off the slipper and threw it on the floor.
Vivid pictures and perfect pacing in this snippet of childhood.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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The sentiment shines through, especially with the imagery of the beating heart.
What I found unusual is that the ring came before falling in love. This could be explained more, or the verses re-ordered.
The only complete rhymes are preparing/pairing and daring/unsparing. My prejudice may be showing, but I'm a big believer in either keeping the rhyming consistent or writing free verse. This straddles both forms with the -ing suffix, and I'm not sure it works.
I like the hints of intimacy to come, with "giving back what I got"--the passion of the first kiss. It feels old fashioned and romantic to wait for "the gift". Thanks for reminding me of love's first, pink blush.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
I like the form of this poem. It took me a minute to figure out why it is in the shape of a church. Birmingham, Birmingham--now I get it. You may wish to add a note at the bottom for non-American readers who may not get the connection.
Excellent imagery with the white gloves--a symbol of innocence and proper behavior to contrast with the "monstrous hate". Nicely done.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
A subject that so many can relate to. I like the simplicity of the poem. The frustration comes through, and yet the humor keeps it from being a true "vent". Nice rhythm and nearly perfect rhyme. Although--I think the title could be more general, like "whose house is it anyway" since they've commandeered more than just the phone.
Thanks for giving me a glimpse of future fights to look forward to.
This may be free-flowing, but the repetition of "as I so often do" gives the poem a nice structure, allowing the reader a moment to stop and reflect with the speaker. What we consider simple realizations are often quite profound, and your last stanza illustrates that notion nicely.
My favorite lines: I remember,
as I often do,
how I've changed...
what I've left behind...
what I've accomplished...
and a joy rises in me.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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