*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/liseli/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
952 Public Reviews Given
1,570 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
26
26
Review of Autumn Playground  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.0)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A lovely poem full of simple, evocative images that explore childhood joy. I liked the title as well *Smile*.

Suggestions for Improvement:

While I enjoyed the immersion back into childhood, I resisted the moments that took me out from the experience. For example:

Feeling the chill of the water,
I was alive and happy!

In the context of stronger, concrete images, the "telling" moments like this fall flat. Your poem is about what it means to be alive and happy; there's no need to state it.

Likewise, the framing of an older narrator looking back on childhood events strikes me as a tad cliche -- we've all read poems reminiscing about youth. More interesting, in my opinion, is a poem told from the point of view of the child herself, caught in a simple moment that will certainly resonate for the rest of her life.

Final Notes:

I hope this helps -- thank you for sharing your comments and allowing me offer my opinions.


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
27
27
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.5)


A signature for the Circle of Sisters.



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A lovely tribute to the fallen soldiers told in rhymed couplets. Nice use of form in order to relay your message. I enjoyed this poem.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Only a couple notes:

The end rhyme war//more is slant, and while I usually don't have an issue with slant rhyme, in the context of this tightly wound poem, I don't think it works.

Both times God talks, his speech is described as "soft" -- a little repetitive for me.

Final Notes:

Thank you for your entry, and good luck in the competition!



Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
28
28
Review of Feathers  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A lovely poem full of strong emotion and evocative images. I've read a lot of your structured poetry, and must say that I sincerely enjoyed this free verse attempt as well.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I only have a few nitpickings. Consider your use of periods. I feel that line breaks are strong enough without the periods after one word lines, and the enjambment might function better without the forced break.

I also resist the last two lines in the poem:

I must be hope.
I cannot be truth.

Because of the interesting line "I must be water" (very Daoist, by the way), I draw parallels between "I must be water" and "I must be hope", and I don't like the repetition or even the pairing of hope and water, which to me is a little overused in poetry. Also, the two short lines at the end to sum up your poem strikes me as a little trite. I love poems that end in concrete images, that allow the reader to draw their conclusions, and I love the "rainbow hues" at the end of the second to last stanza. Consider ending the poem there.


Final Notes:

Lovely poem -- thank you for sharing.



Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
29
29
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi chucky69,


This is an intriguing story, and I like the set-up. The piece itself was very clean, and it's obvious that you've done some grammar and mechanics-related revision. You've cut the story at a really nice place, providing a hook. However, since this is a short story (I'm assuming), consider combining parts I and II since a story around 20 K isn't a ridiculous amount to read. This will allow the narrative to flow in a smoother fashion and also allow you to get more reviews on a greater amount of material *Smile*.

I like the idea behind your characterization of Joshua; by using the picture, you allow the reader to sympathize with him immediately and pin him as a "family man". This is fine for the first portion of the story. However, I worry that his character won't be complex enough to sustain the weight of a story. Consider fleshing out his character. For example, when Joshua's thinking about his fellow miners who left without him, I would have liked a short burst of temper or something. I hope I'm making sense. *Smile*

My other point concerns free indirect speech (AKA indirect discourse), a fancy way of describing third person speech with first person characteristics. Read the wikipedia article for a quick overview: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_indirect_speech

Take, for example, this line:

He wondered if the base could withstand the ash wave as he locked himself into his sleep pod and focused on the picture of his family. Could the base withstand the ash wave? He didn't know.

The way you have it now, the sentence takes the reader out of Joshua's mind. My revision (which isn't the only way to do things) keeps the reader within the frame of POV.

A few line-by-line nitpickings:

Joshua Kellum awoke in his sleep pod to a volcanic tremor of Baby Vesuvius on Jupiter’s moon, Io. It startled him because the Baby Vesuvius's tremors were usually ones and twos . . .

I found this introduction sentence to be clunky -- namely, the clause at the end that introduces us to our setting. My problem is two-fold. 1) It's not something that Joshua would think to himself as he wakes up. 2) It seems a little too hasty to unfold setting from the get-go. Consider the revision I've noted, and at the end of the paragraph, add a line like, It was just his luck to be stationed on Io, the most geologically active object in the space station.

. . . building the living areas to look less like a base and more like a home did keep kept morale up and did helped the inhabitants sleep better.

There was no one nothing in the sandy brown corridor but silence. In general, throughout this paragraph describing the emptiness of the place, I thought that the fact that no one was there was hit over the head a little too hard.


The time on Unnecessary phrase -- implied by the watch his watch told him that he wasn’t all that late for breakfast. So but where the hell was everybody?


I hope these comments help! I think you have the beginnings of a really nice science fiction story.


Cheers,

emerin-liseli

Another sig for Let's Publish!

Interested in in-depth reviews and polishing pieces for the publishing market? Check out "Let's Publish!" !
30
30
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ben,

Coming around to take a look at your poem. *Smile*


A lovely, smooth read that tells an interesting story. I enjoyed this poem.

On to a few suggestions for improvement:

I don't quite like the title, because it gives away too much, too quick. I think the key word to stay away from is "magic"; in any case, the phrase "ancient magic" is so much of a bad fantasy cliche that you probably want to stay away from it altogether. Along the same vein, be careful not to hit on too many cliched phrases, e.g. "oak stands proud and tall" or "walking in a dream".

Also, be careful of forced rhymes or weak rhymes. I've had many poetry professors tell me that if you should at all costs avoid rhymes between two one-syllable words, i.e. cat // hat; bar // car. Of course, there are exceptions. Yet some of the rhymes in this piece really struck me as elementary.

If I was the one writing this piece, I'd get rid of all the rhyme (LOL). But that's just my style. Here's a suggestion that's a little less radical: consider mirroring form and meaning, and as the relationship breaks apart toward the end of the poem, break up the form. Drop rhyme and meter. Play with jagged line breaks.

Of course, these are just suggestions from a more experimental poet. *Smile* Feel free to ignore me.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note -- I would have loved to "see" the scene in which the lovers actually carve their names into the tree.

For future publishing venues,please browse http://www.ramblingrose.com/poetry/formalpubs.html...

Hope this helps! Good luck!



Cheers,

emerin-liseli

Another sig for Let's Publish!

Interested in in-depth reviews and polishing pieces for the publishing market? Check out "Let's Publish!" !
31
31
Review of My Trusty iPod  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Laura,

As promised, I'm coming around with a quick review. *Smile*


A fun, fast-paced story with a dark sense of humor & quick action and adventure. I enjoyed this, and it definitely kept me engaged the whole way through! *Smile*

After reading through Ben, Fadz & Edgework's reviews, I can say that they've really hit spot-on with many of the issues in this piece. Here are a few concerns that may or may not have been already addressed.

1. I found Hailey's altruistic actions a bit disconnected & difficult to follow. I never quite understood why she would sacrifice herself endlessly for people she doesn't even know. Her motives rang false, and therefore, I had a hard time understanding her character.

2. The revelation that the Sirens are ... well, really Sirens didn't quite have the maximum effect it could potentially incur. I think the problem is that we don't see what the Sirens are BEFORE the transformation. I would have liked to "see" them within the piece so that we have some sort of compare-contrast going on. This relates to point number one: a disconnect occurs because we don't have a cemented relationship between the mundane and the fantastic.

3. Denny & Bobby's dialect didn't work for me. It was too forced. I would minimize it, if at all possible. On a completely unrelated note, nearly every character's name ended in "y". o.0

Fadz already pointed out the grammatical mistakes in this piece; you certainly don't need to be told twice *Smile*.

Hope this helps, and happy revising!


Cheers,

emerin-liseli

Another sig for Let's Publish!

Interested in in-depth reviews and polishing pieces for the publishing market? Check out "Let's Publish!" !
32
32
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Ben,

I know that you have another piece starred right now, but I read this poem last week on the way to work and it really caught my attention. *Smile*


Title: I really do love the title, which is surprising -- usually, I suggest shying away from titles that spring from specific words within the poem itself.

Style and Voice: This poem reminds me a lot of Frost, specifically "After Apple-Picking", "Directive" and "Out, Out" -- I know that you're a Frost fan, so it's possible you're acquainted with these *Smile*.

Anyway, the biting sense of humor is perfect for this structured poem. Nice balance between style and form.

Word Choice: I have to say that overall, your diction is awesome. I do, however, have a couple of nitpickings:

I disliked "lightning quick grasp" in line three of stanza two because it is a bit of a cliched phrase.

As the pungent odor drifts across into the well-tended yards, setting The two prepositions next to each other feels disruptive; it's not grammatically incorrect, but I would advise taking "across" out.

Rhyme and Rhythm: No rhyme, as far as I can tell *Smile* and no specific syllabic rhythm, either. Despite this, the poem has a strange, stilted feel characteristic of formal rhythmic poetry. Therefore, I will argue that this poem has the kind of storytelling rhythm characteristic of many types of free verse -- nicely done, as this is hard to pull off effectively.

The only time I lost the rhythm of the poem itself is in stanzas three and four, within that sentence that starts with "As the shadows stretch . . ." I think the problem is that the sentence is way too long, and so my understanding of the narrative flow was disrupted, thus disrupting the poetic rhythm as well. Consider cutting the sentence after "puddles" in stanza four, line one.

Imagery: I love the images in this poem -- the light, humorous images in the first half of the poem, the exacting images like "dissipating ripples of light" or "liquid darkness", or even the use of "Applegate Hill". I have nothing but praise.

Theme and Meaning: A sharp social critique that equates human and beast to roadkill. What intrigues me about this poem, however, is that the narrator is the one unable to tell apart the different animals, which suggests:

1. The narrator doesn't give a crap for the animals (which goes against the overall sense of the poem)
2. The narrator doesn't think there's much difference between the animal and the human
3. Telling them apart doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, especially after a gruesome death has occurred.

I think that numbers two and three are givens, yet the lingering afterthought of number one gives this poem a deliciously sadistic feel that will probably be noticed by only your more disturbed readers (aka me *Wink*).

Personal Opinion: Ready for publication, with a few minor nitpickings. *nods sagely* The only issue is to find the right market. A few suggestions:

* Adirondak Review at http://adirondackreview.homestead.com/summer2009.h... -- they want a "quality of timelessness", which I think your poem embodies.
* Autumn Sky Poetry -- http://www.autumnskypoetry.com/archive/Submission_... -- many of their poems have the same ruminative feel
* Aurorean -- http://www.encirclepub.com/poetry/aurorean/about -- however, they don't accept online subs, so they're not listed in the Let's Publish! database
* Falling Star Magazine -- http://geocities.com/mcgee4468/fsm.html -- our very own Dave has been published in this venue.

Hope this helps! Here's to finding this poem a home. *Smile*




Cheers,

emerin-liseli

Another sig for Let's Publish!

Interested in in-depth reviews and polishing pieces for the publishing market? Check out "Let's Publish!" !
33
33
Review of Old Log  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.5)


** Image ID #1238044 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A poem with some beautiful images and language. This poem is a careful edifice of imagery with a strong and unique perspective on nature.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I didn't think there should be a comma after the word "unforgiving".

Likewise, in the line

Die, I'll wait.

I wanted the comma to be a period.

lets no one remember
you were here, yet

I found these two lines to be awkward. I wanted something along the lines of, "erases your memory" or "disguises your presence".

Final Notes:

Hope this helps -- overall, this poem is already very strong. I enjoyed it a lot.


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
34
34
Review of The Crossing  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A harrowing account that echoes a theme prevalent in the consciousness of many Americans -- immigration. Your careful characterization of Regina and the quick action makes this piece a powerful read.

Suggestions for Improvement:

This piece felt a little unpolished. I noticed a few grammatical errors here and there:

One by one, they squeezed in until the entire hull was packed. Missing a comma here.

I can’t go to sleep, she chided herself. Missing a comma. Her thoughts should be in italics in order to match the rest of the formatting.

A quick note on the use of italics: Unless the thought is from Regina's mind, it shouldn't be italics. For instance,

Would all of her hopes and dreams end up here on the bottom of the sea?

should not be italicized because that's not Regina thinking, as evidenced by the third person pronoun "her".

Sometime later, the jostling of her fellow passengers awakened her. Missing a comma.

The ending, for me, fell a little flat. When Regina realizes the death of 20+ people, I expected more emotion, maybe an outpouring of guilty relief. Likewise, the ambiguity of the ending did not work for me. I don't need a clear direction to Regina's fate; however, a comment that allows the reader to form an opinion would be nice. A subtle sign, such as the rising sun (to symbolize hope) or the onslaught of rain (to symbolize despair) would provide enough closure.

Final Notes:

I hope my comments help -- I think this story is on the verge of becoming something awesome. Keep on writing, and if you would like me to re-review, just let me know!





Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
35
35
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.0)


** Image ID #1523746 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

It is interesting to note that this sort of legalist mindset is prevalent in so many religions, from Hinduism to Christianity. I enjoyed the common thread of religious struggle set against the very personal musings. This juxtaposition of personal and universal is enhanced by the particulars of the conversation itself.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I have a few grammatical nitpickings for you:

everybody prays to Ganesha.[,] He is the Vignaharta." Run-on sentence -- try breaking it up with a period. There should also be a period at the end of the sentence.

The shocked accents word choice -- try "words" or "scolding" were those of one my next door neighbours.[,] A trendy student most days, she suddenly transformed into traditional orthodoxy for this and few other festivals of note in the Hindu calendar. Another run-on sentence.

"Oh, it is you, Doctorni. "[,] She could make the intended honorific slightly contemptuous . . . Watch the dialogue grammar -- the comma or period goes inside of the quotation marks. Also realize that a comma at the end of a completed dialogue is used ONLY with an appropriate tag, i.e. "said", "answered", "replied", NOT with descriptions of the spoken words. I noticed quotation grammar mistakes all throughout this piece; refer to http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/... a favorite grammar reference of mine. Also consider italicizing "Doctorni", as it is a non-English word.

The lack of dialogue tags in the beginning of the story makes it difficult to follow the conversation. Consider adding in character actions and voice to flesh out the beginning of this story.

Final Notes:

An above-average piece that gains momentum as it continues. Hope this review helps!



Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
36
36
Review of Sunset Dreams  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.5)


** Image ID #1238044 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

You know that I'm a fan of your poetry, and I'm always awed by how effectively you use lyric poetry. I love the dream-like rhythm and rhyme in this piece and the beautiful language. The rhyme is effortless and never childish. I learned a new word, too *Smile*.

Suggestions for Improvement:

A couple nitpickings:

yet deep in its heart it holds onto its dreams. The word "it" was used a little too much in this line. I would also shy away from the cliche "deep in its heart".

Spreading its beauty in wordless song,[.]
Finding It finds a place in the world to belong. I would put together these two fragments to make one complete sentence.

Consider italicizing the French word "adieu".


Final Notes:

Lovely poem -- nicely written. I enjoyed this entry!


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
37
37
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)


** Image ID #1238044 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A harrowing account of what seems like a true experience told in gripping fashion. Nicely narrated. The dialogue flowed naturally and I enjoyed the insertion of the press release, which provided an interesting contrast between the journalistic blurb and the narrator's first person experience.

Suggestions for Improvement:

A few grammatical nitpickings:

I stood still and waited, thinking . . . Missing a comma here.

I continued to wait, thinking maybe traffic had held him up. There should be a comma here.

The SWAT officer was running toward the ambulance with……..Jim! I understand the use of multiple periods for dramatic effect, but grammar dictates that no more than three periods be used in a row.

The continual capitalization of 'Officer' is unnecessary.

To me, the title "Scared" doesn't quite adequately cover this piece. I would have liked something more mysterious, something designed to catch the reader's eye immediately. Perhaps "Blackout" or "Hostage Situation"?

Final Notes:

Hope this helps -- I enjoyed your piece!


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
38
38
Review of A Moment In Time  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.5)


** Image ID #1238044 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A lovely poem with some beautiful escapist images -- perfect for some dreary office reading. Don't we all find a little slice of beauty in books? *Smile*

Suggestions for Improvement:

I was a little confused about the order of events -- The narrator sees a man on a bench -- is this from inside the library? Or is her observation of the man within the imagination of the novel? Does the narrator stay inside the library the entire time?

Final Notes:

Other than that one little nitpicking, I really enjoyed your poem. Thank you for your entry, and write on!


Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
39
39
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.0)


** Image ID #1238044 Unavailable **



Hello,

My name is emerin-liseli and I am a judge for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" .

Thank you for entering!



What I Liked:

A thoughtful tribute to a man that touched thousands of Americans. The imagery was used nicely to convey a sense of admiration and respect.

Suggestions for Improvement:

There are a lot of commas used in place of apostrophes, i.e. "haven,t". It should read "haven't".

Final Notes:

I was a little disappointed that you merely copy-pasted a poem previously written, changing only a few words here and there. It doesn't change the quality of the poem itself, but for the purposes of the contest, I cannot help but feel that the difference between "I have sailed the seas of sorrow" and this particular poem are vast enough to qualify this particular piece.



Thank you for your consideration!

Hugs,

Em
40
40
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

A light-hearted, fun piece that is perfect for summer days *Smile*. I enjoyed the reminiscing and the quick characterization of the various members of the family, and the light humor of the main character's tone and observations, i.e. the seashell snob *Laugh*.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I didn't have any problems with the pacing or following the story. My only notes will be a few grammatical nitpickings.

. . . my sister and daughter, who followed close behind.

“They made me afraid of sharks back then.[,]” My voice was more than loud enough . . . The sentence that follows the dialogue is not a tag; therefore, there should be a period.

"And you can refer to me as[,] Mr. Jurgensen,” I told my daughter. Unnecessary comma.


Final Notes:

As you can tell, only minor nitpickings for you *Smile*. Thanks for sharing your lovely story!


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


Personal sig
41
41
Review of Justice or Vice?  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

An impassioned defense that uses rhetorical devices and personal ideas to build an argument.

Suggestions for Improvement:

My main suggestions are grammar/mechanics related.

Let's start off with the item description, which implies that you believe in the death penalty, which is the opposite of your argument. Oh, and it shouldn't be "an argue in support", it should be "an argument in support".

I'm rating this piece a 2.0 based on the lack of organization and the large number of errors. I'm not going to point out every mistake; here are a few to get you started.

. . . it still kills people; the only difference is just that justice indorses endorses on the back of the judgment.

Throughout decades, in countries such as . . . .

Rather than decapitation, hanging, or electrocution,

I am opposed of the to capital punishment . . .

Look back to the on history . . .


I'm guessing that you're not a native speaker. More troubling to me than the grammatical errors is the lack of organization and the contradictory statements, or the blanket statements that have no factual proof. I'll give a couple examples to illustrate my point.

The death penalty itself is the most sinful crime in the world. It was implicated to deter or threaten people to do crime.

I doubt there are many who would agree that the death penalty is the most "sinful crime". Starting off with a blanket statement such as this (that has no factual proof) is not a good way to begin a credible argument. Secondly, the death penalty has never been "implicated" of threatening people to DO crimes. That makes no sense. Why would a death penalty encourage people to break the law? Watch childish phrases such as "do crime", which is out of place in a mature essay. I would want "break the law".

For this reason, we should reconsider if the death penalty actually yields more benefits than cost.

This statement, which is in support of death penalty, is out of place.

I was disappointed that you failed to address other issues that surround death penalty. For example, the cost of housing a prisoner is expensive -- most estimate it to be about $25,000 a year. If I play the devil's advocate, I would want to know why tax-paying citizens should give up their income to support serial killers and murderers. The costs of lethal injection is absolutely nothing in comparison to the cost of housing a prisoner for life.


Final Notes:

Frankly and honestly put, this essay needs a lot of work. If you ever go back and revise, please let me know. I would be more than happy to re-read and re-review.


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
42
42
Review of A Future Bright  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

A beautiful poem, and excellent use of the form. I am very impressed by this simple yet lovely poem, and the use of imagery and symbolism to create a message.

Suggestions for Improvement:

There are times where the iambic pentameter doesn't stay constant, e.g.

The sky mirrors the loss of our birthright,

Here, we would naturally want to put stresses on the first syllable of "mirrors" and the first syllable of "birthright", which doesn't fit with the iambic pentameter.

There were a few other instances here and there; however, if it didn't really stick out to me, I didn't note it.

A couple grammatical notes:

bright faces turned[,] in worship[,] toward the light. unnecessary commas.

the night claiming once more it's its dark domain, Possessive: no apostrophe.

Final Notes:

Great poem -- just a few nitpickings for you. Thanks so much for entering and following the prompt *Smile*.


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


For my newest contest~
43
43
Review of Crayola  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Dave,

Just coming around for a review!


Title: I love the title -- it reminds me instantly of childhood, coloring, and the process of creation.

Style and Voice: The voice is reflective, yet cheerful. I enjoyed the fact that the restrictions of form didn't restrict your voice. In the second stanza, when we get to the "me" in line two, I have to admit I did a little double-take, if for no other reason because I was expecting a laundry list of pretty spring things. The "me" and "I" allows a personal voice that breaks up the monotony of the list-ishness of this poem.

Word Choice: For a poem called "Crayola", I was a little disappointed not to see creative color names. Instead of "emerald", I wanted "rain-washed emerald" or something creative *Laugh*. Although the theme of color ran throughout the poem, there are very few specifics. I would have liked some more play with specific colors, i.e. instead of "they're in the gorgeous sunrise when I wake", I would like to know what exact colors are there.

Another instance: "much more vibrant blue" could have been a more specific image.

Figurative Language: Second to last stanza is where we enter figurative language. I think you did a great job with the simile itself; it's very effective and ties together well. On a sort of unrelated note, I resist the line "The colors of spring are everywhere", just because it seems repetitive, since we've already established this fact throughout the poem.

Rhyme and Rhythm: There wasn't a specific rhythm -- I thought at first it was iambic, because of the ten syllables per line, but ... definitely not so. In the first stanza, I kept trying to impose some sort of strict rhythm until I realized that there wasn't any *Laugh*.

There were a few places where I felt rhyme or rhythm forced your hand, e.g.

The colors of spring are everywhere. which I felt was a weak line

bringing a very welcome infusion I resist the "very"

It’s in the sunset at the end of day; I feel like this line is repetitive, as sunsets are only ever at the end of the day

Imagery: GREAT imagery -- I love "rainbow refractions" and "honeysuckle cape". I've already touched on moments that I feel are weaker. Overall, the images that you create are lovely.

Theme and Meaning: In the tradition of Romantic poets such as Wordworth and Keats, you find refreshment and meaning in nature. The meaning, to me, is how one can find a sort of "transfusion" in the newness of spring. This isn't a particularly startling or new idea; however, this didn't bother me. Heck, haven't we all felt this way?

Personal Opinion: This kind of poem isn't 100% my cup of tea, but I enjoyed it anyway. Reflective and fun, with a little more tweaking, this poem will really shine.

I'm sorry I can't give suggestions for publication venues like you have for me; I'm still new to the game *Laugh*.

Hope this helps!


Cheers,

emerin-liseli

Another sig for Let's Publish!

Interested in in-depth reviews and polishing pieces for the publishing market? Check out "Let's Publish!" !
44
44
Review of Darby's Pond  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Dave,

Something about this piece reminds me of George Eliot's Silas Marner. *Laugh*

I liked the bond between Jarvis and his cat that could transcend even death. Awwww.

However, for me, the entire mob scene didn't work too well. It felt too much like "telling" and not enough like "showing". I wasn't there in the moment, and consequently, there wasn't too much of an emotional investment.

Also, personally, the entire mob scene and the gruesome death didn't feel quite realistic. I know something like this could have definitely happened in real life, but ... you know the saying, "You know the difference between real life and fiction? Fiction has to make sense."? That's what comes to mind. To me, it doesn't make sense, so I need more support. I would love more character development that shows these bikers as really terrible people. Maybe the way they act at the bar .... foreshadowing, and more fleshing out in general.

Okay, hope I'm making sense here! If you would like me to clarify, just drop me a note, and I'll do my best -- after clearing out the cobwebs! *Laugh*

Cheers,

Em
45
45
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.

Before I start, I want to apologize for the late review. I was hoping to combine Rounds 7 & 8 if there were enough entries. Alas.



What I Liked:

A fun little piece, perfect for chick-lit humor. I enjoyed your light-hearted style of writing, and Sarah as a character is an immediate success. Nicely written.

Suggestions for Improvement:

A few grammatical mistakes sprinkled throughout. A recurring trend I noticed:

“I know what you're thinking.[,]” Michelle's lips lifted gloatingly.

“No, I had someone to translate for me.[,]” Michelle cast her a glance meant for people who had slightly below average intelligence.

. . . We'll drop by my house later, and I'll pass you the herbs.[,]” Michelle's tone brooked no arguments.

“It's not working.[,]” She couldn't keep the disappointment out of her voice.

There shouldn't be a comma before the quotation marks unless a dialogue tag follows. For example, lips lifting gloatingly is not a dialogue tag, because lifting lips doth not make speech.

Something else I noticed is your overuse of the following contraction:

What matters is that I've a body I am proud to own now!

Fortunately for you, I've contacts in China.

Since it isn't grammatically correct, I would be careful. You can turn "I have" into "I've" only when there's a participle attached, i.e. I have fought -> I've fought, NOT I have a dog -> I've a dog.


A few other notes:

. . . groaned Sarah as Joan made her way towards her. “Not another ugly-duckling-turned-into-swan story!. . . she groaned inwardly . . . repetitive.

You have the tendency to make Sarah talk to herself. A lot. Instead of putting verbalized thoughts into quotes, italicize them and make them thoughts.



Final Notes:

Cool story, needs a little more proofreading. Thanks for your entry, and I hope to see you in future rounds!


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
46
46
Review of Sewing Freedom  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

A perfect poem for Fourth of July! *Laugh* I enjoyed the use of imagery and short lines. The enjambment was for the most part very effective. Nicely written and enjoyable.

Suggestions for Improvement:

There were a few lines here and there that felt awkward to me. Consider reworking them. For example:

Ms Ross it is said It is said (that) Ms Ross

of good old fashioned

The repetition of "were once" in the last stanza felt choppy.

For me, the transition between the narrator was awkward to follow. In the first stanza, the narrator seems to be someone unfamiliar with Ms Ross; by the end of the second stanza, it's apparent that the narrator is in fact Ms Ross's son. Words like "I presume" make the reader feel like this is all imagination.

If this is written from the point of view of the son, then much of the poem is inappropriate. I don't really know how to reconcile the difference between the POVs, only that it was jarring. My best suggestion would be either to write it as an omniscient narrator, in the style of Whitman, where he is everything and everywhere - but that requires a lot of work in that you have to be careful to show the reader that's what you're doing. In that case, you might want a 3rd POV.

If I'm making no sense, let me know - I'll try to clarify things. *Laugh*

Final Notes:

Thanks for your entry - I hope my review helps.


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A banner for Let's Publish group
47
47
Review of A Girl Like You  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

A cute, heartfelt poem. To me, it felt almost like a song, more so than a poem. I could imagine it set to music.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I would advise against cliches such as "you changed my world" and "swept me away", etc. I know your piece is of the fuzzy, feel good type, so I'm not commenting on the rainbows *Laugh*, but be careful about being too overly unoriginal.

A few grammatical errors:

First stanza, line four - should be 'rain', not 'rains'.
First stanza, line four - should be 'every day', but 'everyday', which is an adverb

Knew, I had fallen in love could be: I knew I fell in love

Also, watch your past participles. Try to avoid them if at all possible, and go instead for simple action verbs, i.e. I had run v. I ran.

Final Notes:

Hope this helps - good luck!


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


Personal sig
48
48
Review of Dried Rose  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

This could read as a short story, or an introduction to a novel. Much more tense and easier to follow than the last entry. There's always something going on, and the tension between Ani and Christy was great. You really had me rooting for them. That's a huge achievement.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Again, the biggest issue is grammar and mechanics. Please take the time to proofread this once more, as many of your mistakes aren't due to an inherent lack of knowledge, but rather sloppiness. Here are a few examples to get you started:

“Her lover is lucky.[,]” His mind wondered . . .

“I have a headache," [“]she said . . .

. . . You guys carry on," [“]she said . . .

It might make you feel better[. ],” he offered.

Her eyes lighted lit up again.

Final Notes:

Hope this helps - good luck, and thanks for your entry.


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
49
49
Review of ...and Fred.  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

So, you're just picking up awardicons right and left, aren't you? *Smirk*

But seriously, this poem is ... great. Exactly what I wanted to read this week, when I put up the prompt! Humorous, clever, entertaining, fun - awesome work!

Dealing with younger siblings with security blankets/toys/etc ... Oh, man.

Suggestions for Improvement:

None. The rhyme is right on, the repetition is perfect.

Final Notes:

Great poem - thanks so much for your entry! It's always a pleasure to stop by your portfolio every week. *Smile*


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


For my newest contest~
50
50
Review of While I wait  
Review by emerin-liseli
In affiliation with Upgrade Aides  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, and thank you for entering "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED" . Your entry is appreciated.



What I Liked:

A heartfelt poem that channels raw emotion. Grammatically clean - it's obvious you've proofread.

Suggestions for Improvement:

First off - the double spacing between lines makes this poem harder to read. Presentation is a key to good poetry, so I would fix this.

Especially in contemporary poetry, economy of words is highly valued. My main suggestion would be to cut back on unnecessary words, as you have many of them. Every word in your poem should be contributing, and if it isn't, then it shouldn't be there. A few examples:

Why can't I not see clearly

being the one that is sacrificing unnecessary.

and treat them as they are like nothing

I think you get the point. *Smile*

I warn you about cliches. Stuff like "I'm dying inside" is best avoided.

I would also like to see more concrete images. The closest we get is this 'sea of lies and pretty pictures' - but what exactly does this sea look like? Concretely - what does is look, taste, smell, or feel like? What color?


Final Notes:

Hope this review helps! Good luck!


Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to see you in "Summer Days Writing Contest -- CLOSED"  again!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
288 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 12 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/liseli/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2