*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/liseli/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
Review Requests: OFF
952 Public Reviews Given
1,570 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 5 6 7 8 -9- 10 11 12 ... Next
201
201
Review of To love someone  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1235420 Unavailable **


Hey there,

Thank you for requesting a review on "Invalid Item" .


What an interesting and lovely poem about what it means to love someone! I can tell you put some thought into this, and I like the different ways you show how to love someone.

I do, however, have some suggestions for improvement.

1. Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line. Especially in free verse, I think playing with capitalization is a great way for additional reference. If you just capitalize the first letter of every line, that potential is gone.

2.Unless you're using incorrect grammar to purposely make a point, I think this poem should still try to make sense.

Until you are drench drenched in him

And only him he

The next word is 'is', and no one says 'him is'.

Breath exist exists

Till the fear is extinguish extinguished

3. I think this poem would look nice centered. That's just something to consider. *Smile*

Hope this helps!


All the best,

Emerin
202
202
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1311761 Unavailable **



Hi there!

Here's your review as a Noteworthy Author, sponsored by "Invalid Item" !


*Star* What I Liked:

Wow! What a descriptive and lovely poem. I love the descriptive phrases in this poem! I can definitely see the backgrounds in reading poetry out loud: the words just float off my tong - er...mind! *Laugh*

Definitely some verbal candy here. I love the progression of the time. It's beautiful.


*Cut* Suggestions for Improvement:

But of course, we have to have a couple of these....

Consider the capitalization, and not capitalizing the first letter of every line.

I also felt there was way too much punctuation here. If there wouldn't be a punctuation mark there naturally in prose, I wouldn't stick it in.

First stanza, second line: I would take out the semicolon, and put in a comma or a dash.

Third stanza, third line: I would replace the semicolon with a dash.

Second stanza, first line: I would substitute the semicolon for a comma.


*Balloon1* Final Notes:

This is a wonderful poem! Thank you for sharing it!




All the best,

A sig for my personal use.
203
203
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1311761 Unavailable **



Hi there!

Here's your review as a Noteworthy Author, sponsored by "Invalid Item" !


*Star* What I Liked:

The repetition with 'clickety-clack'. The onomatopoeia is great! *Laugh*

I love the description of the view. That stanza was quite nice.


*Cut* Suggestions for Improvement:

Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line.

Also, I don't think you should use semicolons if they would be grammatically incorrect in prose. A couple spots:


A screech; we slide,

I would actually just put a period in there instead of a semicolon.

Where some folks alight;

I would take out the semicolon altogether and not use any punctuation.


Also, here's a note about push and pull techniques. Consider these lines:

Stereos blare –
It must be loud
With sound so high,
Right in your ears.

Now consider this version.

Stereos
blare - it must be
loud with sound so
high rich in your
ears.


I'm not saying the other version is better, but do you see how this one has a different rhythm - a different 'pull' to the next line? Experiment with different types of pull. In this poem you use just the conventional caesuras and stops, and I would encourage you to play around with it and see how you can use rhythm to also emulate a train.



*Balloon1* Final Notes:


I enjoyed this poem! *Smile*

Thank you for sharing it.



All the best,

A sig for my personal use.
204
204
Review of Baby Steps  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1311761 Unavailable **



Hi there!

Here's your review as a Noteworthy Author, sponsored by "Invalid Item" !


*Star* What I Liked:

What a cute poem! I think it really captured a baby's first steps, and the description was amusing.


*Cut* Suggestions for Improvement:

Consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line. Also, I felt that the punctuation was a bit overwhelming at times. I think the colon was a bit overused, especially in such a short poem.


*Balloon1* Final Notes:


A poem with real potential. I look forward to seeing your other pieces of writing.



All the best,

A sig for my personal use.
205
205
Review of Jewellery  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1311761 Unavailable **



Hi there!

Here's your review as a Noteworthy Author, sponsored by "Invalid Item" !


This is a lovely and touching piece. I think it's definitely my favorite piece in your portfolio. The prose is beautiful, with just a touch of nostalgia that really complements the entire thing. The narrative is strong without overwhelming the reader, and the entire piece is easy to understand. The ending left the reader wanting more.


Thank you for sharing this piece, and it definitely deserves this award-i-con. *Laugh*


All the best,

A sig for my personal use.
206
206
Review of I, Katrina  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.





*Star* What I Liked:

Great poem, and wonderful tribute to a hurricane, which is one type of tribute I've never read! *Laugh*

I love the way the rhythm and rhyme create a surging pattern. It fits the subject matter.

The descriptive passages were also nice. The second to last stanza especially stuck out to me. I love the parallelism. It works well.

*Cut* Suggestions for Improvement:

Eek. This is hard because it's such a good poem. But nitpick I must...

I think that 'have rode' is incorrect grammar, and it sticks out even in poetry. I think it should be 'have ridden'.

I kind of wanted the second stanza to not begin with 'I, Katrina' so that the poem ends and closes with a stanza that begins with that phrase...but of course, that's totally up to you. *Smile*


*Balloon1* Final Notes:

A very strong poem, and a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing *Smile*







Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

207
207
Review of Internal Eternal  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (5.0)


Hi there!

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" !


*Star* What I Liked:

Wow! What a wonderful poem. This is a wonderful tribute to those terminal cancer survivors. You have wonderful word choice that really made me cringe at times, which is a good thing. *Laugh*

My favorite lines would have to be:

Internal eternal the defiant hagborn,
dwells in the flesh in some similiform.

I love rhymes that I don't see often, and 'similiform' is just a great word. *Smile* I can see why you chose 'Internal eternal' as the title for this poem.



*Cut* Suggestions for Improvement:

This is really hard. *Cry*

You have a couple imperfect rhymes (heart//part and will/kills), but I didn't even notice them while I was reading through, which means it probably doesn't matter that much.


*Balloon1* Final Notes:

Fantastic poem. Thank you for sharing, and best of luck in the contest!





All the best,

A sig for my personal use.



** Image ID #1312370 Unavailable **
208
208
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.



I enjoyed this story. It's interesting, and starts with a scene many of us can relate to: a family trip to the mall. *Laugh* This piece is humorous, and easy to get through. *Smile* I love the way Colleen talks, I could practically hear her. You've used dialect well.

Nitpickings:

Now I'm really starting to nitpick into the spacing.
You need to put spaces every time the speaker changes. *Smile*

“Remind me where we’re parked again,” said Mrs. Dawes.

“3C,” Mr. Dawes responded.

“3B, Dad, we’re parked in 3B.”

“Are you sure? I swore it was-”



You're missing a couple question marks.

“What does Melissa like, honey?[,]” Mrs. Dawes asked.

“What was that all about?[,]” he asked.



I felt Mr. Dawes's first really long passage was ... well, a bit too long. Consider breaking it up. And it was kind of abrupt. Consider putting in a tag after the first question, like 'Mr. Dawes asked' or something, so we know exactly who is talking. I know that you sort of MEANT it to be random, but the first time we need to know Mr. Dawes is talking, so it sets the prelude for his other little speeches.







Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

209
209
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.



Interesting chapter. I'll get to the second part some time next week, or maybe even this week if I have the time. Just a note about this review: this is all my personal opinion. If I'm being a bit harsher, it's because I think that you can handle it. *Smile*

Setting: There's a lot of it, especially toward the beginning. Just keep in mind that the reader is not apt to remember all the little details you say, and there's a good chance most of them will pass right out of one's head. Try something I call 'active description', when one sees a scene while something is actually happening, e.g. while a curate walks through the halls. I found some of this description a bit wordy at times, too. Consider these examples:

Within the center of the structure there was an enormous courtyard, at least a hundred paces across.

To those that lived here, this tree symbolized a promise of the renewal of all things. This massive tree grew out of a dead stump, taking its nourishment from the ground below and the skies above. It symbolized Verdigris, the cycle of life, a promise of the renewal of all things.

Completely unnecessary sentence. It sounds repetitive because of the double use of 'symbolize'.

While the corridors would normally be dark at this time of night, there was a faint greenish light emerging emerged from each one, bathing the courtyard in the faint glow. This was the only sole source of illumination, and it came from the lanterns that were carefully suspended from the ceiling on fine silken ropes.

I haven't been too picky about adverbs or passive verbs up to this point, but I think in this chapter they're starting to overwhelm. Consider: does the adverb 'carefully' really tell us anything at all? 'Fine silken ropes' already creates a delicate image; that adverb contributes only to clunky prose. Rule of thumb with descriptive passages: try to stay away from there was/there were phrases because it gets SO repetitive and boring.

Characterization: We meet new characters, which is interesting enough to keep the story moving. Acolytes, huh? Qrstcht is an intriguing character, though I can't for the life of me figure out how to pronounce his name. We saw into the mind of the Chronicler of Trees, so hopefully we'll see more of him later.

Plot: You're introducing in a lot of stuff! There is, however, a plot. *Laugh* You have a strong narrative voice, and it keeps the story going.

Grammar: I think I nitpicked enough in the 'setting' section.

Personal Opinion: This is another strong chapter. Really! *Laugh* I do feel that the chapters are a bit long, though...50K+ for one chapter is pushing it a bit in my opinion.

Hope this helps!



Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

210
210
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.



I'm back! *Smile*

Setting: Woah. Beautifully done, especially in that first part, with its' twisted reality. A little nitpicking: you use the descriptive phrase 'cool liquid' twice in this chapter. If I noticed that, then you should change one of them. Take it as a compliment! It means I remember your phrases.

Characterization: Poor Theminor. Poor me! *Smirk* Just as I start to like the guy, he dies on me. Or at least that's how the story seems to be going...hopefully he's not really dead! Well, I can surmise that from the wolf you introduced...if you're not going to have Theminor miraculously saved, or have the wolf come important later on, then I might just take out that entire bit, because it does drag on at times.

Plot: From the item description of your third chapter, you'll be leaving Theminor's story for now, and hopefully returning later to give it a more closed feel. The plot was good. The narrative flowed well, as usual. The only nitpicking I really have about this is the ending, more specifically the second and third to last paragraphs. I think that it would be more powerful if instead of saying he collapsed a league later, you actually SHOW him collapsing. Perhaps you could add in a line talking about how he struggles on for a little, and then finally collapses. Does that make sense?

Grammar: Here we go. More nitpickings galore.

As it did every day, The light began to fade from the white speckled sky.

I took out that first phrase because...well, personally, i just didn't like it. It felt very 'telling' and not so 'showing', and hinders an otherwise beautiful sentence. 'White speckled sky' should be either 'white, speckled sky' or 'white-speckled sky', depending on what you're trying to say. As of now I can't tell if you mean the sky is white and speckled or speckled with white.


Windswept is one word.

Weakness from his wounds, the loss of blood, the lack of sleep, and the lack of food, and most of all, the lack of his friends and companions.

I like phrases sometimes. It doesn't work here, because there's two phrases in a row. I took out 'friends' because you have some nice parallelism going on here, and adding two words instead of one like the others destroys that. Plus, it's repetitive. Why say 'friends and companions' when just one of those words conveys the same meaning?

At the moment, pictures of Konan-Schlar swept through his brain.[,] The longing he felt for his family was urging him to return.

I would break this up into two sentences.

“Where am I?[,]” he thought. “I must be getting close to home.”

I would italicize thoughts here, especially because you do so later on in the piece. If you decide not to italicize, you'll have to put quotation marks around all the thoughts in this piece, then. Just stick to one or the other for formatting purposes. I would definitely put in the question mark, though.

“Teelay.[,]” Theminor's voice was faint even in his own ears.

Period, not comma.

Personal Opinion: Another enjoyable chapter. I'm a bit wrapped up in Theminor's story, so I'm not looking forward to the next plot thread in Chapter Three. Again, take it as a compliment! It means that you've done a good job building a narrative.






Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

211
211
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.




I'm getting a very disjointed view of the plot because I haven't read all the chapters, but I'm assuming this Robert fellow is the main character. At least in the chapter itself I understand what's going on! *Smile*

Anyway, here are some more nitpickings:

. . .Pedro gasped, “She’s beautiful!”
new paragraph
Pedro looked across the room and saw her. Okay, wondering how he gasps that she's beautiful BEFORE he sees her. I would invert the order so he sees her frist. The president of Brazil’s daughter was wearing a necklace with a small jewelled Brazilian flag attached to it?. She was wearing a silk dress . . . Repetitive. I would combine the two sentences.

Lisa squeezed his arm.[,]

A note about paragraphing:

. . .He’s coming to us!”
New paragraph
A grinning friendly boy who looked a bit older than Robert ambled towards them.[,] no paragraph break here “Hi! . .


“Oh, Lisa Bates, right? I’m jealous – everyone wants to be a Dagger, you know.[,]”

“Yeah, I’m a very recent addition to the team.[,]”

Periods, not commas. These aren't the only places this happens. Please fix all the spots.


Okay, hope this helps! If you ever go back and revise, be sure to tell me and I would be more than happy to change the rating.



Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

212
212
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.



What an interesting piece! I've never actually read anything based on a video game before, so this is a first. *Smile* So forgive me if I do not pick up on some of the aspects...

On first glance, I noticed that you haven't put spaces between paragraphs. On WDC, that's almost a must. Reading on the computer screen is a bit harder in print without them. So please space, like I am doing in this review.

The first couple paragraphs felt like a lot of 'telling' instead of 'showing'. I know you need to set up some premises, but I think you could do it in a more 'showing' way. Perhaps you can have the characters you talk about later converse about their group, and about the conversation to set it up instead.

For the amount of violence in this piece, I think it needs to be rated 18+. Just giving you a heads up. *Smile*


Other nitpickings:

The name of the game should be italicized. So Apocalypse: Online.

The Daggers were the world's best team. . .


Hope this helps!

Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

213
213
Review of The Kennel  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.





Another interesting story...kind of sad, too. *Cry* I completely didn't see the end coming, and it was a total shocker. All the stories of yours I've read so far have such a twist to them. I really enjoy them, though. The narrative is strong, as usual.


You're missing some paragraph spaces toward the end of this piece. I would look over that one more time.

Other nitpickings:

Night had always been incapable of saturating this the city. The city It ...

It flows better, and doesn't sound as repetitive.


26th street -> 26th Street

The 'S' needs to be capitalized.

Other than that, this piece is practically perfect!

Oh, I do have a little request. Before I go to review your other two pieces, could you please paragraph space them? Reading without them gives me a headache. *Smile* Here are the links:

"Did I Ever Tell You?" 
"Remediation" 



Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

214
214
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.


Setting: Good, as usual. Maybe a bit overdone at times, and you might want to lay off the description in the really fast-paced sequences, but I can't say it negatively effected the story too much.


Characterization: Yay! Poor Theminor. He's come alive in this part of the chapter. Congratulations. *Smile* It's sad that he has to go through so much pain...losing all his companions. We know this will have something to do with the gods, but just not right now, but we're reminded by their presence by Theminor referring to them.

Plot: How very, very sad. He's all alone, and all his companions are gone. Now that he has no one else to be with, it's not very obvious where the story can go. Will he finish his taking? Will he die? Well, we can assume he won't die just yet. *Smile* I'm sure there are more difficulties lying ahead for him. We get more of the traditions and little points about this world that really makes it come alive. I think overall this is a very strong chapter.

Grammar: Pretty impeccable, except for a couple spots.

The Talius's gurgling death scream of Talius echoed through his head as Theminor leaped to his feet.

This is more concise.

As he turned, a taloned paw slapped hard into his chest, raking through the thick furs he wore wrapped around him to tear at his skin.

Again, your way isn't grammatically incorrect; my way is just more concise. And in scenes like this, concise is the way you want to go. I might even take out the 'slapped hard' part and make it so it's only two actions. This'll keep the story moving.

A sudden burst of stars filled his vision as a large block of ice met the back of his head.

Not that this is grammatically incorrect, but it could be more concise.

He saw a sudden burst of stars as the back of his head hit a block of ice.

Your language is great; it's flowery and descriptive. But sometimes that's not the right effect one wants to have.

I'm sorry; I'm nitpicking because this is really good. With a few modifications, it could be even better.

Personal Opinion: A strong chapter. I can't wait to read more.




Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

215
215
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi there!


I'm here to review your piece in conjunction with:

Off on a tangent with the "Invalid Item" . This round: Dedicated to the Donors!


This piece is absolutely adorable. The refrain is catchy and sends a nice sort of pulse throughout, which alternates with the 'verse', which has a different rhyme scheme.

There's good use of writing mL and color to accent this piece. I thought it might look better centered, though, although this could just be a personal preference.

I do, however, have a few suggestions for improvement.

Between the first stanza and the second, there's only one line of space when in all the others there are two.


Stanza two: sweet/treats is not a perfect rhyme. Consider:

with his a tasty treats treat.


Same with too/shoe. Consider changing it like this:

then she checks his shoes each shoe.


Okay, hope this helps! I enjoyed reading this.


Thank you for your consideration.

All the best,

Emerin

** Image ID #1278285 Unavailable **
216
216
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.



An interesting continuation.


Setting: The first paragraph had me shivering. You did a good job describing the biting frost. We also get a bunch of names of places. You can't expect a reader to remember them all just from this first chapter, but as we read on, hopefully these places will become more catchy and memorable. Just keep that in mind; the next time you mention Aloontha Magdierno Mountains you might have to explain them again. Funny how going south is so cold. *Laugh*

Characterization: So we meet some human characters now. *Smile* This chapter isn't about gods from the previous prologue, but that's perfectly fine, as prologues and the rest of the books often have different themes. I like how you mention the gods, though, when Theminor prays. It lets us know that the gods probably are behind all of this.

Oh, and this is a minor nitpicking, but I kind of wanted Theminor's friend to have a name. It humanizes him a little more and makes Theminor's loss more poignant.

Plot: So a group of six men are on their taking, which seems to be some sort of ritual of manhood. They are all young, I am guessing, perhaps in their teens. They face some arduous trials, and the death of one of the men, whom we later find out is a leader, unsettles the group. Theminor, though young and seemingly unskilled as a leader from his previous thoughts, becomes leader because of his courage. I did wonder why the other men didn't follow the unnamed leader into the canyon. Did they notice something wrong? Did they sense something dangerous?

Finally, the narrative ends with an ek-tak attacking. What will happen? Will our new narrator find a grisly death?

Nahhh. I can assume he won't. It's too early in the book. *Smile* I haven't gotten too attached to your main character (I think he is a main character), but don't worry too much about creating character attachments now; it's only the first part of the first chapter. Assuming you're not going to kill Theminor, we have time to get to know the guy. I'll let you know if he stays static as I read on.

Grammar: Pretty good. The grammar was practically faultless.

I do, of course, have nitpickings.

The seventh and eighth paragraph from the end need a line break between them.


The travelers continued on through snowy valleys and frozen peaks of ice, each following the man before him as if in some cruel game of Follow-the-Leader.

I would format it like that.

He splashed into the ocean, his head disappearing beneath the hungry waves as if the sea was being starved and this man would appease its appetite.

Eek! Try to stay away from two passive verbs in a row. It makes perfect sense without the 'being'.

He glanced quickly to at his other companions, who remained motionless, now standing near the fissure, eyes fixed to the terrible scene unfolding before them.

'At' is more appropriate. If you say 'now standing near the fissure' it implies that they have moved, and were standing in some other place before, which contradicts the fact that they remained motionless.

His strong legs carried him to the other side, and with savage strength, he plunged the weapon deep into the slippery wall.

Comma alert.

He shook his massive head, momentarily chasing the blanket of sleep from his mind, and rose to examine the makeshift defense.

Gerundial phrases: comma to open and comma to close.


Hope this helps!


Personal Opinion: A strong beginning. I'll get to the next part ASAP.



Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

217
217
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for requesting a review at
 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli
.

Your requests are always appreciated because they give us the chance to read works we might not have found on our own.



Of course, this story is meant to be informative, and it is! *Smile* The back story is interesting, and I'm sure your customers will enjoy it.

The main problem I see with this piece is the use of the passive verb. This means that the grammar is not necessarily incorrect, but the prose sounds verbose and repetitive. Consider this example:

GMS Music (GMS (Recordings) Ltd) is the provider of music4Uonline. Our current managing director is Finlay McRae. It was His father, Malcolm McRae, who first developed our service.

See how that doesn't sound as lengthy and repetitive with the 'is' sentences? Also, I just wondered about the 'recordings' in parentheses. Why is it like that?

There was, however, much to do. The excess was therefore placed So he placed the excess in the storeroom, and the staff given told the staff instructions to send it back after the festive period.

More concise.


It was too late for to return the marzipan to be returned to the supplier, but he didn’t want to throw it away.

This is more concise.

He sold ten times the amount that he would normally sell in a year had been sold in a fiftieth of that time. Malcolm was astounded by the power of the music and advert combination. The power of the music and advert combination astounded Malcolm.

Again, yours isn't grammatically incorrect; my version is just concise and doesn't sound as lengthy and repetitive.

Other little nitpickings:

Malcolm ordered his usual ‘gross’ of marzipan (12 dozen = 144 units).

I would stay away from parentheses, especially because you use it so much for the abbreviations. Consider:

Malcolm ordered his usual 'gross', or 144 units, of marzipan.


The 12 dozen isn't really necessary.

This meant that he had a gross of a gross, a 'great gross', (a ‘great gross’), or 1,728 units of marzipan.

Again, try to stay away from overusing parentheses.


Hope this helps!





Thank you for your consideration, and happy writing!

--Emerin


** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

218
218
Review of The Frog King  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Thank you for entering
The Unofficial Fantasy Contest (CLOSED)  [ASR]
Contest is currently closed.
by The Messenger
.


What a lovely piece. Thank you for taking the time to enter the contest!

You have a nice story here, with an interesting theme. However, this story suffers because of the grammatical mistakes that dot it.

Here are my suggestions:

Gemma awoke to the midnight dew just settling in on her window.[,] She peered through the dew-soaked window and looked into the distance at the woods she so often was refused to adventure through.


She loved animals, but she had had too much of them;[,] she wanted to be free, not to be forced to follow the same routine every day.

Semicolon more appropriate here.

“I’m sorry,[.]” she whispered gently as her breathing calmed, and her hands stopped shaking.

Is this frog following me? she asked herself, and laughed again at the absurdity of her thoughts.

The 's' should not be capitalized. The same applies throughout this piece.

“Thank you,[.]” she whispered . . .

Comma more appropriate here.


Hope this helps! If you ever go back and correct these grammatical mistakes, I would be more than happy to change the rating. *Smile*


Thank you for your consideration!

--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
219
219
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!


What a lovely poem and tribute to your mother. I'm sure she appreciates it very much. *Smile*

I do, however, have a couple suggestions for improvement.

You've taught me so many cool things,
Like, "you don't get your head to wear halt alone,"

There's an extra space between 'so' and 'many'. Also watch your dialogue punctuation, even in poetry! I'm not exactly sure what a 'halt' is...sorry...*Blush*

Spell out '5th' to 'fifth'.

Another note:

You smiled and said, [:]"You've done me proud
So I'd be glad to stand up in any crowd
And say I'm happy to be your mother,"[.]

There needs to be some sort of punctuation after 'proud'.

Your once statuesque frame is now becoming bent with age

This line is really long. I would try to prune it down a little so it doesn't stick out so much. I think 'becoming' is unnecessary; the reader gets the feel of the story without it.

With a little editing, this poem would be fantastic.

Happy Writing!



Thank you for your consideration!

--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

220
220
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!


I enjoyed this poem.

The format is nice and neat, the poem centered and the font in red. There visual layout is attractive and invites the reader in.

The rhyme scheme is not exactly perfect, but the rhythm is strong enough to carry the flow throughout. The phrase 'with words left unspoken' pulses in every stanza, each time carrying a different connotation.

A little note:


Her God showed revalance

Don't think 'revalance' is a word. *Smile*

Hope this helps!



Thank you for your consideration!

--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **

221
221
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello again *Smile*,

Ugh! What a horrible thing to happen. This piece made me cringe a little, which is good because that means you had an effect on the reader *Laugh*.

Here are my suggestions:

I was wondering why you italicized your dialogue. I think you should put it right back into normal quotation marks. Plus I think it'll be more powerful.


Pat spotted an open seat and approached, figuring the old woman wearing a hospital band across her wrist was harmless, shuffling packages and humming to herself.

Not sure if Pat is shuffling packages and humming, or the old woman.


The old woman greeted her by sending her unadorned aroma wafting through the station.


Hope this helps!

Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
222
222
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello!

What an adorable piece! It made me chuckle. *Smile*

Very nice job introducing the situation quickly by 'showing', not 'telling'. I was, however, a bit confused about the locket. Whose was it? Was it a customer's? Why did Emma know about it? I think a little more explaining would be helpful.

A couple more nitpickings:


“Like you fixed the locket you broke? Just Don’t[’] get too exotic, just feed them and let Todd entertain them.”

I would take out the 'just' because it sounds repetitive since you use it again in the same sentence. And that apostrophe is just a typo, I think.


“Here, play something with a beat to it,[.]” he said, tossing the broken locket at Todd.

Comma necessary here.


Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
223
223
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello!

This is review number two. *Smile*


Another lovely piece that opens with the delightful description of Manga's walk that immediately pulls in the reader. I like the way you characterize your main character and give her more than just a one-dimensional personality. *Smile*

I do, however, have a few suggestions for improvement.

Manga was not the first of her kind to attempt the transition, thought though some of her forbears had tried to break through the barrier, with tragic results.

I'm sure that's just a typo. *Smile*


I felt throughout the piece you use the name 'Manga' too many times. We know that you're referring to her; it isn't necessary to keep using it.

I also felt that the end was a little too shocking, and that there wasn't enough foreshadowing. I know you kept using 'landlocked' but perhaps you could add a line like 'she wasn't even using her full potential' or something like that?


In all, I enjoyed this piece. Thank you!

--Em





Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
224
224
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello!


You won five reviews from
Luck Of The Irish Auction   (E)
Open for bidding
#1143571 by ~WhoMe???~
.

This is the first one. *Smile*


What a lovely poem! I like the imagery you use throughout. I like the flow of this piece; it isn't forced, and feels very natural.

I do, however, have a few nitpickings. Here are my suggestions for improvement.

Wounded and battered, proud wield they frayed tassels;

This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. Maybe it would read better as 'Wounded, battered, and proud they wield frayed tassels'?

The rhyme scheme confused me a bit because I think you were going for an ABAB, but a lot of the words don't work out. I would go back and look over it once more. For instance, sleeping/dreaming does not work, and respite/knit also doesn't.


I hope this helps!



Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
225
225
Review of Yours Fell  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **



Hello!

mars has gifted you three reviews *Smile*. Enjoy!

What a lovely piece! It's sweet and amusing and I did enjoy reading it. *Smile*

I do, however, have a few suggestions.

One day my son said to my daughter,

“Are you laughing at the story or are you laughing at Grandpa?”

That space between daughter and the part in quotation marks shouldn't be there. I would make it all part of one paragraph.


“I don’t get it,[.]” people say to those of us snickering.

Comma necessary here.

“I want a Coke, I don’t want ice-cream,[.]” replied an irritable Aaron.

Comma, not period.

“Yours fell,”[,] he said.

Comma goes inside the quotation marks.

Hope this helps!

Thank you for your consideration!


--Emerin



** Image ID #1289992 Unavailable **
288 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 12 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/liseli/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9