When I judge a contest, I look for the best story that is within the rules of the contest. However, my reviews while judging mimics my regular reviewing style, which means (or at least I hope it does) I will have suggestions and comments to help improve this story as well as other stories. In other words, please do not be discouraged by my reviews in regards with the contest outcome because the review is supposed to be helpful and critical rather than a sole judging assessment.
words used: you said 200; I say 199 but...umm...yeah...yesterday with some of the other entries I found that punctuation counts as a word, sometimes and sometimes not. You are all good though, NICE JOB!
Plot:
a girl finds herself in a cage and waits for her turn to scream. GREAT IDEA! It defiantly takes on the genre of the contest as well as being simple enough to fit within the word constraint. WELL DONE!
The Story Told:
I thought you did a great job telling this story in a dark and scary way. I think there are a few things that you could do to make it even more scary, most of them are minor and a bit super-picky but I tend to be that way.
"There was no response." what does no response sound like? think about it and then say that instead. if you do this instead of saying their was no response it adds another dimension to the story. You could also have a response of screams from down the hall of maybe whimpering grimes from the cell next to hers. Remember in writing micro stories every sentence needs to be something and if you have a sentence not moving with an emotion or a felling or a setting within the story I think it is good to look at it again and try to get more specific with the idea.
"but it couldn't last forever."- here is another instance of the same type of element. You are explaining how it she couldn't block it out forever. You might wasn't to say something how it is draining her soul, trampling her will, or something with a bit more individual struggle in it to make the reader feel for this caged girl.
so I'm asking for more of this: "Nothing but bare earth and dead shrubs to the horizon." you are doing more than explaining the desolate area that surrounds this place and in fact telling how if she tried to leave she would be in certain doom. Now with that said you might want to do something else with the next sentence
"Even if she could get out, there would be no chance on foot."
so I am saying, meaning wise these two sentences are about the same, so in a micro story of this nature you can't afford any space do to repeating ideas let alone words. This is why writing something so short is so hard to do.
"She thought back to her last memories outside this room; a night, dark rooms with loud music, drinks."
I like this but I said I was going to be ultra-picky so I will be. I don't think you need "a night" and you could do something a bit more with that, or at least something more as in how many nights ago this party was. I would try and be more specific with this listed effect, more like this
"...last memories outside this room; a dark room pumped with loud music, that kiss in his arms, those drinks, his spinning smile, a locking door..."
So this isn't the best writing in the world and I hope I got my point clear but I was trying to make a more fragmented storyline flash back with melded components to amplify what happened and this is in 25 words you used 27 words in this same space. the big difference is I took out that last part of blacking out. I did this for a reason. she is trying to remember something, which isn't completely clear do to the situation and most of all the alcohol, so this means you are implying a black out already. So I do this in a different way with the last thing she experiences is the locking door. I think (I'm not completely sure) you hear stuff when you are semi-conscious with your eyes are closed so I'm guessing before you block out you would usually hear something before blacking out so it seems most plausible.
oh yeah, I LOVE this ending. Nothing like lingering anticipation to get the heart pumping. The only thing you could of compliment this ending with would be having her hear throughout the whole story the screams for the other room. then she hears doors open but they are for a different room. this would really screw with the reader (so I'm a bit cynical SORRY READERS)
Grammar and Dialogue:
"Voices laughing and joking, a mocking mirror to her despair."
this line is a bit confusing. you might need to flop some words around or try something else instead. It could work flopping some words around but I think you could figure out how. HEE HEE HEE.
Nightmare Factor:
This is very scary and very dark. Now if this was a longer piece. WHICH I KNOW IT ISNT. I would have the person that takes her away someone she knew or someone that she knew that was planning this for a long time (HINT: you might want to make a longer sorry with this idea attached to it, there is nothing wrong with expanding story ideas from short ones, I need to start doing this myself, truthfully.)
I think it is a great contrast of suspense and terror and that for this genre or type of story makes the scary come alive to the reader.
Randomness:
I told you I would be super-picky so I was super picky. I want to thank you for an enjoyable read. As far as judging goes I rather not be hampered with dealing with technical errors while reading entries which is why my judging partner and I thing editing your stories up until the deadline is important. there is always a way to improve a little bit. And I love being ultra-picky I feel I help others more that way. But I am bias since I am myself so you must judge me on that assessment.
Thanks again for entering and good luck!
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