Troy,
You did such a comprehensive port raid on my minimal home, I felt compelled to return the favor. What I didn't expect was to truly relish this journey through yours so thoroughly. I am engrossed by your intelligence and though you described this piece as "just a poem", it is of course deeper than that. After reading only 2 of your pieces it's apparent you will never chose the "simple" road when you will instead always seek "texture". I have the utmost respect for that philosophy as we're the lucky recipients of such commitment. Yes, patience of spirit is a necessity, as is laying aside pride in pursuit of honest art. Stay true to your vision, it's exceptional.
Troy,
First I want to say that I truly enjoy reading a bit of genius, someone who creates a theme with intelligence and passion, makes me peel back layers. You did it all here.
Whatever man believes about the pursuit of "war/conflict", be it in the name of honor or redemption, you questioned any shred of necessity and the cunning tools used by those recruiting members to its' cause. You married ancient Greece (Hecate),
whose spells might masquerade and entice, without apology, in vain attempts to somehow validate worthless (raca) - military ideology and it's machinations.
You traced it's origins back to biblical times with irony in your use of a quoted "lord's" hand...saying is any "war or bloodshed" truly "righteous"? You captured the imperfection of man "one faux after another" - "Potiphar's, Jezebel" - and ultimately shouted - is this Garden of Eden serpent/original sin truly where we will lay the blame for choices made and the sins against humanity.
Dear Becky L,
You write very powerfully. I felt both the detective's deep anguish as well as the victim's helpless reticence to relay an atrocity she wasn't ready to incorporate into her being, still mourning, still hiding. The shame of the officer, probing - a sense of doing harm to the harmed "ravage her shadowed spaces with lanterns" and complete inadequacy, anger that more couldn't be done - "I have given service to no one". You captured such emotion- very well done. I'm sure I will visit your port often, you're very gifted.
Always blessings to you and yours...
Calli
Nikola -
It was difficult finding which piece I wanted to review from the prolific offerings in your port! I selected this one after wandering for quite some time! Why, because I'm at heart a poet and this one was just plain really "cool" if I can use such a silly dated word? Who was she? Well she was a benevolent witch - at peace with her surroundings ie. "Night creatures sing to her" (they would be hiding if her spirit wasn't gentle). She is communing not intruding, i.e. "far away realms call her name" - welcome. You're very gifted and I truly enjoyed this lovely spiritual piece.
Always blessings to you and yours...
Calli
Maryann, WOW! This made me weepy! What an incredibly gorgeous - stunningly beautiful piece. The imagery was so profound I had to read it several times. It spoke to healing through seasons, the analogy so rich it was dripping. It spoke to strength, found though challenge - gently. This piece is truly a gift - and about to become one of my very favorites. I really do adore it when I stumble upon treasures - this is one.
Always blessings to you and yours,
Calli
What a lovely piece. I love the repetition of the question, it added pathos to the piece and the rhymes didn't feel contrived but rather simply a fitting finish to the open ended questions asked. I really liked the imagery - water, sky, children running, the symbolism of a "dove". While I appreciate any poetry that invokes emotion - I really stand in awe of poetry that paints a picture while delivering a message - an art you obviously have well honed within your arsenal of talent. Just amazing...
Many blessings to you and yours -
Calli
Dear StoryBob - you have a talent for creating an ambiance in your pieces that is descriptive and all encompassing. When you choose to portray an emotion, you do it powerfully, regret, hope, anxiousness are all present and deeply felt. Great writing is in the end about "feeling" extended to a reader and leaving a clear and lasting impression. You have succeeded well. I look forward to reading more of your fine work.
There were moments early in this piece that led me to believe that perhaps Elysia was mentally challenged and I'm not sure that was intentional, i.e. "miracle child" - " "wonderful in its own, flawed, beautiful way" - "she fell down - horrendous balance" -
Then very shortly I had to shift gears "Elysia was a medal-winning ballerina and gymnast" - and had a little trouble with the transition of how someone with horrendous balance was a gymnast & ballerina. I couldn't quite grasp who she was. Then I read on - the bond between sisters took on meaning. The resolution needed to forgive the past and the love that remained. There was much beauty in those final paragraphs and overall the piece was powerful. You moved on to paint a painful loss, the reason behind the dancer's motivation, and supernatural bond and gift of forgiveness. I adored your ending.
I think if you edited the beginning just a bit to let the reader know that she was "a medal-winning ballerina & gymnast" but diametrically clumsy with her little sister in an endearing way it might flow just a bit more smoothly. You're obviously a gifted storyteller and I look forward to reading more of your work.
I did stumble upon one typo - "No, you learnt how to forgive and move on" - learnt should be learned.
This was a "gorgeous" piece. If poetry is about painting a picture and placing the reader there, (and I believe it is) - you succeeded on every level. My favorite poetry is something that engages all the senses yet leaves the reader free to interpret their feelings long after they are done reading the piece, something that lingers. Again complete success. You created beauty, gentleness, and the promise of passion in a very brief few words, where each mattered. You have a gift and I'm blessed to have enjoyed it.
I will be honest. I had trouble deciding "which" item to review in your portfolio. It's such a rich treat to wander here - so many wonderful and touching pieces. This piece moved me as it reminds us all that love at its' best is never lost but lives on in each of us. We may pave over the old path with new moments but nothing diminishes that which truly once mattered and lives on in our hearts. Well done.
Wow - this was absolutely gorgeous. You made every word count, you painted pictures - and the emotion was rich and heartfelt. I was alternately cheering - and moved toward tears - the parallels of life, parenting - and emotion so strong. For all the "Mom's" (I'm one) who have experienced the emotions of an "empty nest" - this will speak to them. For anyone who has set someone free in love to allow them to "fly" - it will speak to them as well. Bravo!
Ah my dear Seabreeze - you are rebuilding a life rich with expression and I see you have all the inspiration you will ever need in your strong faith. I believe Our wonderful Savior grants us "signs" on a daily basis. He is the soft word spoken, the encouragement of a stranger and when we reply in kind gently and with compassion (we never know when we entertain angels without knowing it). He is the gentle breeze, the goosebumps we can't explain but that rush over our arms when we lift them toward heaven - or cry out. He is a live and visible presence when one chooses to have the eyes to see. Beautifully written and touching. Please continue to share your gift - you are here for a reason.
Wow - this is incredibly beautiful. I felt it to the tips of my toes - what a gift this was and I truly hope more are granted the gift of reading more of your writing. This line "I'll lend you my soul to protect you, until you give it back" - it simply touched me to my marrow - I could feel that presence - that promise. I will be back for a longer visit to your port as I truly look forward to reading more from such a lovely spirit as yours.
I really adored this concept. While the sentiments expressed were heartfelt - the visual of the "hourglass" containing them truly brought this entire piece together. That said, sometimes you can read something and you just "know" that the person writing it has some level of brilliance in how they're able to turn a phrase. I found a couple of "weak" spots and I'm going to bet you did too but let them ride on the strength of the overall piece. I will absolutely confess to surrendering to this practice on occasion but then being tortured by doing so. I wind up going back and "editing" because I "knew" I had a better analogy , picture - that niggling "something" I could taste & smell but not yet find or commit to. This line - "Tell your special someone "I love you", never let it decay - repeats the word decay and felt somehow clumsy. Remember this life with happiness, for it's not time to die - was good but you're at the end. I'd love to have this conclude as powerfully as it began. These things are what stood between me awarding the"perfection" of a 5. I think your obvious talent is capable of bringing this piece to a truly remarkable and powerful conclusion. Your final line however - it's sacred and completes a cycle. Nicely done.
I adored this poem. It engaged all my senses as I wandered in the dusky hour smelling the scents, enveloped by the riotous colors, rich in wisdom - "wizened" like the visitors there. I felt the union of the couple resting there, at peace and comforted by one another and conversing through nothing more than a gentle glance and simple touch. Beautify imagery and so appropriate as the world around us blooms.
Kathie,
You obviously have a great deal of technical knowledge on this subject matter. Let me first say – it made me cry which is a good thing! I was touched, engaged, and at times horrified by the degree of suffering.
There were moments when the piece waxed very technical and lost a little of it’s pathos but the periods were brief and perhaps needed since the subject matter was so intense. Still, I wondered if perhaps it would benefit from reaction verses observation in some points. Maybe painting the situation by the feeling of someone going through it verses a completely analytic rending? Not sure.
I loved the theme of redemption, forgiveness, and tolerance. It is a strong and beautifully written piece. You are obviously extremely talented! A few easily corrected typos stand, I think, between you and consistent 5’s?
BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENT – gifted writing – I look forward to reading much more of your work.
Blessings always, Calli
Now – my long winded paragraph by paragraph review – whew!
2- Angela, seven years old, is (was?) asthmatic and was wheezing severely. He reached first for her inhaler, gave her two puffs and jammed it in his pocket. (I feel he’s looking back and “is” asthmatic doesn’t work with “was” wheezing, it’s a tense change within the sentence and inconsistent/confusing? You might consider: Angela, seven years old was asthmatic and wheezing severely.)
12-He didn't understand the power of the coca (cocoa) bean, how she would chose that over her little girl?...Angelina begged him not to take her child away and he was good enough to let her boyfriend, Frelando (add comma?) stay in the apartment even though they were both junkies. (Typo on coca spelling. Also, I feel “Frelando” is sort of hanging out here and interrupts flow –maybe a comma after name would help to isolate the identification and move us more smoothly to the finished thought?)
13-He was bewitched, (semi colon) believing love with her was worth the cost. (I believe this independent sentence that could stand alone yet is connected to the next might be better served with a semi colon verses a comma?)
18-She hadn't seen her big brother since Angela's Christianing. (Christening-spelling)
24- Cindy suctioned some of the mucus from his chest so he could breath (breathe-spelling) easier. that Across his chest and most of his abdomen was bandaged. (see below) Areas that were open were black and bloody and the smell was awful. (This is a broken sentence, did you mean The area across his chest and most of his abdomen was bandaged?)
26- When Auguste realized how badly (bad-adjective vs adverb?) his disabilities were, he wrote on a board that Angela be told he had died.
28-His fever climbed, adding to the confusion (what confusion-drugs/exhaustion?) so he was placed on a ventilator to give his congested lungs and fighting body a rest. (I can’t put my finger on it but something isn’t flowing here….Maybe - Feverish and confused, he was placed on a ventilator to give his exhausted mind and congested lungs a chance to rest….???)
30-She sobbed until she found the right sympathetic operator, even though his (whose- the operator’s or Papa’s?) name was not listed. (perhaps – She sobbed until she found the right sympathetic operator; even though Papa’s name remained unlisted.)
34- At ten, she was beginnng (beginning-spelling) to like boys but still really missed her Papa.
40-There were still times he went to the Clinic and had to wear opoid (opioid-spelling) pain patches for awhile ("for awhlie" - is this redundant with the opening of "still times"-don't know?) after surgeries to loosen contractures. But (opening with conjunction? not sure...) he was excellent at putting himself in this magical world with others who lived there. He had auditioned in full make up. No one saw him without a kind of mask. (without a kind of mask feeling a little clumsy?)
So maybe it could read like this???
There were still times he went to the Clinic and had to wear opioid pain patches after surgeries to loosen contractures. Even so, he was excellent at putting himself in this magical world with others who lived there. He had auditioned in full make up. No on saw him without a mask of some kind.
42-...his daughter was following his tracks just as throughly (thoroughly-spelling) through the papers and reviews of his excellent performances.
50-"Then I came home and thought about you and Mom. Sometimes I was glad she had died. She never could have been as brave as you. I cried for them. (placement of thought?) Some families didn't come and many patients died while I was there. I grew to really love them and it helped me to understand you." (I don’t know why but this stopped me. The previous paragraph relates to her visiting experiences and I understand you’re tying the 2 together but somehow it felt jumbled – I wonder if you changed paragraph 49 to feed into paragraph 50 instead. The line “She never could have been as brave as you” is so powerful and transitioning so I wonder if it deserves a moment to linger as a final thought?)
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I'm not sure but maybe if these 2 paragraphs read more like this creating a different final transition?
Paragraph 49: I was so scared of these people that looked like characters from a movie. You could see and hear their pain. I had to dress in a gown and wear gloves and a mask. I helped them eat and read and wrote letters for them. It was all I could do. Some families didn’t come at all and many patients died while I was there. I cried for them. i grew to truly love them for they helped me to understand you.
Paragraph 50: When I’d come home, I think about you and Mom. Sometimes I was glad she had died. She never could have been as brave as you.
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Again, amazing work - a message that is a blessing for all of us!
Yikes - this is excellent, and scary. The funny thing - until I hit paragraph 4 where the "non vagrant" was offering money to make said vagrant go away - I thought it was going to be the other way around; which is of course what made this SO good! To me it's the classic - don't judge a book by it's cover thing - wisdom and depth isn't the exclusive domain the educated, etc. The richer person by far here was the person who had nothing material at all. The end shocked me only because I am ultimately "warm and fuzzy" and naturally I want everyone redeemed/redeemable...so thus when my rose colored glasses have to come off it makes me wiggle a little.
Only suggestion, throughout - I saw dark guy as "buddy" as that's how he was addressed. I saw light guy as "dude" because that's what he was called in replies.
On final line - I've seen America "buddy" would be more consistent as: "I've seem American dude...
Unless... this was deliberate and a final thrust of sarcasm on the part of the dark dude back at the light one for having been addressed as "buddy" through-out? In which case - perhaps make "buddy" bold to bring that sarcasm home with a slam dunk - punch - knee to the solar plexus? Yeah - that is more consistent with the piece - maybe that's why you put it there!
This is beautiful - filled with faith, and hope, and light. I actually am a newbie and stumbled upon it when I was in BBwolf's portfolio looking for a piece to review "for him" - glad I clicked wrong - right? Now I will have to go to "your" portfolio for more nourishment - lovely.
First let me qualify - I'm drawn to the hopeful - the redeemed so this one was hard for me but it didn't take away from the magnificent imagery - the absolute feeling and emotion so clearly portrayed, and all with very powerful language. This was excellent and it is simply my own personal taste that kept me from clicking the "5" box - keep writing, you have a gift. Many blessings - Calli
I'm not sure why this is your "only" poem or why you say not to expect more of them because you obviously know how to write them! I personally enjoy a repetitious theme that grows and matures within a piece, as the "pen" did here - it tied the thoughts and emotions together - the omnipotence until the surprise ending, which by the way was the best part. It said it all and brought us full circle, back to vulnerability and humanity. Well done.
Wow - this delivered a powerful message in a very nice flow. You have a beautiful command of language and brought in images and emotion, friendship - where to place your time and efforts, what really matters. Perhaps it even reminds those of us who face out more than in - the caregivers of the world - that it's OK to take care of ourselves as well. What I liked best, that I had to "think" and wanted to stop back to a verse I'd read to pick up every little nuance, that's good poetry.
Thank you for a beautiful poem. I will be dipping into your portfolio to see more!
I like social commentary and your cry for people to pay attention, to face out rather than in and to stop and care. I felt your "journey on" repetition gave this piece a strong voice - much like a good song with a "hook".
Perhaps you could challenge yourself and write a piece about after the change, even if it's only imagined, redemption, and where that takes us?
Hi Ninja - you put a great deal of sentiment into a very small space. You obviously have talent for one so young and speaking as a Newbie, I can tell you honestly that this is a wonderful place to find friends of all ages and to receive critiques that help and inspire. Keep sharing honest feelings and your writing will grow, and always touch someone - as this piece did me.
I felt this piece, the wistful memories laced with too fresh pain. Each verse powerful but I wondered if you re-arranged the stanzas - created a question before an answer? It just personal but I like poems that surprise me - lead me somewhere and make me stop for a second to consider where I am, where I might be going before I find out? As arranged - I didn't realize it was winter and snowing until the end, rearranged - the poem takes on the chill of the season and the emotions as well? I found of all the lines - "I still have intact" - powerful/final - perhaps deserving of isolation at the end, for that was the feeling I was left with.
Just a thought - beautiful piece - welcome aboard - I look forward to reading more!
I see you standing,
Your head held high
Towards the horizon,
Towards the sky. (this verse flows nicely- I know where I am and feel it)
Your eyes so light;
Full of clarity
Have gone, died
Killing with it, your beauty. (I know you're looking at someone, hurt)
She walks towards you,
Through the falling snow
Her hand outstretched for yours
Which I see you take, from my window.
(perhaps "which" is too analytical?...can you keep the suspense here for another second? You're still wondering in the next verse - will he look your way instead - and you answer that for us in further verses- we don't need to know he took it - only what you're feeling in that cold window-let us be there with you?)
Out of my mind,
You turn your head
I think, for one second, you realize me - (add dash, create pause?)
But then you smile at her instead (remove but)
None of this you know
But I will never forget,
When you turned from me
Without a single regret. (Love this verse)
That you loved me
For that short minute of life.
One the happiest moments
Before all the strife.
You left me alone
Never coming back
But I still hope, remember,
Of the one solid memory -
I'm hopelessly addicted to the "hopeful" - the redeeming - but even so, there was no escaping that your poem left me with a person looking back wistfully. Simply because of who "I" am, I wanted the "defeat" turned into triumph. I wanted the "goals" redefined and thus rejoiced in new victories recognized. That said, just because this is what appeals to me, your message was delivered clearly and that is good writing. It made me feel and thus I was engaged. There was no question of the feeling. Welcome aboard, and by the way - "Live it while its yours" because it still is, maybe more now than ever.
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