Overall impression: I like this story for its creativity.
Characterization: The characters are the best part of the story. They are all well done. I was drawn to the story just to find out what would happen next.
Dialogue: I enjoyed the dialogue.
Twists and turns: There are a few surprises. I liked the part where Kat became a cat and ate Bob. Then it turns out that Bob is a boy not a bird. The ending was another good surprise.
Area(s) for improvement:
corner, and looked - delete comma
sudden, and then - delete comma
Chin towards the corner - missing a word
vanished, but didn't - missing subject
instant, but then - delete comma
looked, and with an accent - delete comma
He was just like her best friend, Mary Smith had said, a hopeless - try - He was just like, what her best friend, Mary Smith, said, a hopeless
window, and elves - delete coma
crush on and he had - on,
park but she hadn’t - comma after park
Kat the little girl were right - Kat, the little girl, were right
hands and the baby girl - hands,
hands and some - hands,
nervous and all of a sudden Kat - nervous, and all of a sudden, Kat
she said and her eyes - said,
mouth and all of a sudden Bob - mouth, and all of a sudden, Bob
her now, and looking - delete comma
a baby and her - baby,
When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item" Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.
Characterization: describe your characters more. The characters are interesting and show the story.
Dialogue: the dialogue is good.
Area(s) for improvement: The reader knows what is coming because of Pandora and the box. I suggest that the name Pandora not be used. This will create more suspense.
Also leave a space between each paragraph. This makes for easier reading.
When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item" Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.
I like the uniqueness of your idea to take ordinary rings and made them symbolic of love. This idea is developed very well.
Janet's life as a mother is a very busy one, keeping up with four kids. The reason for the rings in the story kept me wondering what it was all about. The ending came as a good surprise.
I like the message this story brings. Jeff wanted Janet to know that he appreciated her and was thinking about her.
Overall impression: I found this to be an interesting story. A convict escapes and then the story gets interesting.
Characterization: Shane is an interesting character. His account captures the readers attention.
Dialogue: The dialogue helps to advance the story and is well done.
Twists and turns: There are a couple of good surprised. the girl and the vampire and then that Shane has changed as well.
Area(s) for improvement: be…” - My opinion the . . . needs to be used sparingly. Format is - word . . . word. pause in middle of sentence. - - word. . . . - for pause at end of sentence
We appreciate your entry in "Invalid Item" And we hope to see more entries from you in the future. Thanks, on behalf of pinkbarbie and Paul.
Overall impression: This is a good story that is well paced, bringing the reader to an unexpected end.
My favorite: when the old woman says you promised me children and the younger one repeats her words, the tone of the story changes, giving the reader a hint of waht is still to come
Characterization: All three characters are well done. They bring the reader into the story, creating a desire to know more.
Dialogue: Good dialogue. It develops he story and moves it forward. Well done.
Twists and turns: Timera's death is unexpected and crucial to the story. Chelsea breathing life back into Timers and taking her body for her own. Gordon's fate of becoming Chelsea's husband. These are all well done and not expected by the reader.
Area(s) for improvement: suggested changes in bold
When there was no answer at the front door, the two
partner’s eyes, and his
downcast, and the leering
Its wrong and besides - It's
against his skin, and Gordon nearly
rock wall, and he stopped
death, let’s - use ; or period
Gordon froze, Timera’s - use ; or period
presence in Chelsea, and Gordon was terrified
But first lets - let's
from her lungs, she inhaled
They were like he remembered
dig into his arm, and his view
With her free hand, she
coughed, and her face
purple, and then
carefully, and I think
don’t move, you’ll
With one precise stroke, she
weakness, and you
flagstone path, she
With each syllable, she
keep writing
Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item" We look forward to your future entries.
Overall impression: I like this story. I can't wait to read the finished version. The tension builds as the story unfolds. Well done.
Characterization: Jessie's narrative draws the reader into the story. This character is well done.
Area(s) for improvement: She punched throught the buttons = through
As she drove she listened - comma after drove
how they got in and there was no evidence - coma after in
The rest of the drive home Jessie - coma after home
As she got out of her car she decided - comma after car
When she got to the far side of the house she started - comma after house
stood to close to the house and it branches - comma after house
At the front of the house she didn't - comma after house
Put her feet up on the coffee table. Closed her eyes and tried - suggest She put her feet up on the coffee table, closed her eyes, and tried
After a few minutes she - comma after minutes
'I never close the doors. How did they get closed' she thought. - suggest use italics for internal dialogue
Knowing it was Dave she - comma after Dave
Dave started to say something but she - comma after something
She dropped her phone and it - comma after phone
Keep writing and finish your story soon
When you have a chance stop by "Invalid Item" Then write a story and enter for a chance to win. Thanks, Paul.
Overall impression: I like this story. It starts of in regular fashion. When the action starts it is like a roller coaster ride--hang on.
My favorite: Finding someone in the outhouse was funny. It was unexpected.
Characterization: Mike is well described. Stella. This is a very good character. well done for both the woman and the man. These two characters bring this story to life. It feels real.
Dialogue: I like the dialogue. It is well written.
Twists and turns: I enjoyed the idea that the woman was a man, Well done.
Overall impression: I like this story. I got the impression that this is only a part of the complete story.
My favorite:
A woman with snake-like gray hair popped up and stared wide-eyed at the dress. I was surprised that the other character was a dress. I found this very creative. A great idea that is used well in the story
Characterization: The two main characters are well developed and move the story along to the conclusion. I enjoyed the dialogue.
Area(s) for improvement: this sentence written with that making it a series with commas.
She said that she was Cydia's daughter,that she was going to tell her, and that she saw me."
It is hard to tell a story in 69 words. I like what you have written. It starts off normal then gets darker as it goes. The decision to write in first person is good. It brings the reader into the story. I did not see any grammatical errors. This would be a good story to expand. Keep writing
The main character is interesting and brings the reader along on a mysterious ride of discovery. I liked the plot development and the story idea. There are a few grammatical error. The overall story is very good.
I like this story. It is very interesting. There are some grammatical errors. The dialoge is good and the ending is very good. The main character is well done.
I like this story. I enjoyed the dialogue and the main character is well developed. I like the ending. It did take me a couple times of reading the ending to figure it out.
This is a great story. The characters bring the world in which they life to life. The dialogue is great. The reader's interest is captured a the beginning and not released until the end. Good ending.
How do I describe a story that grabs hold of the reader from the start and propels them into another time and land where they find characters who come to life as they observe them. Magic might be a word to start with, but it would only be a start. The characters make the reader want to know more. The dialogue is well done. The plot is interesting. I look forward to reading more of the story.
A tall fish tale if I ever heard one. I like the idea and its development. The main character came to life and helped move the story along. I liked the dialogue as well.
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