"Remember - "remember

fell and - fell, and

"She. . .just. . .left." - "She . . . just . . . left."

Halloween and - Halloween, and

again and - again, and

room and - room, and

I is very - I are very

soon and - soon, and

robe and - robe, and

hat and - hat, and

head, and - no comma - {if you added a subject - and she left - then a comma would be used}

Midnight, she - Midnight, she - italics for internal thought works well - just my suggestion.

sound, and - no comma - same reason as before.

cackled, and - no comma - same reason as before.

inside, and slapping - delete and

out, and - no comma

light she - light, she {introductory phrase} {see "Invalid Item" 

word it - word, it - {introductory phrase}

hands, and - no comma

lantern, and - no comma

here, someone - here; someone

her, and - no comma {wrapping and lifting}

drowsy, and - no comma

One an - One was an

hair, and - no comma

men; one - men: one

eyes; the - eyes and the

her, and - no comma

position, and - no comma

finished her - finished, her - {introductory phrase}

down, and - no comma

coherent,” the - coherent.” The

again she - again, she - {introductory phrase}

slowly, and - no comma

bed, and - no comma

closer the - closer, the - {introductory phrase}

head, and - no comma

ash it - ash, it - {introductory phrase}

face; then - no semicolon

over, and - no comma

sleep, and - no comma

chest, and - no comma

him, and - no comma

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

to a Sarah - to Sarah

winter, if - no comma

wailed as if," - wailed as if--"

years, and - no comma

firefoot, or - no comma

indometh and - indometh, and

here, his - here? His

service, and - no comma

servant to - servant, to

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Leave a space between each paragraph for easier reading.

The man who - give the character a name. This helps the reader engage.

fertile so - fertile, so

area they - area, they

livestock and - livestock, and

away, his - away; his

all they - all, they

life, and - no comma

weeks he - weeks, he

farmers wife - farmer's wife

pain which - pain, which

kingdom they - kingdom, they

lit his - lit. His

Highness” the - Highness,” the - this site may be of help.
http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialog...

around.” he - around,” he

shoulders. And - shoulders and

title he - title, he

wasn't, Vimo - wasn't. Vimo

wife, then - no comma

him and - him, and

us” He - us,” he

farmers hand. - farmer's hand.

open and - open, and

opened and - opened, and

eyes.” She - eyes,” she

come” she - come,” she

mouth, then - no comma

Rapture” he - Rapture,” he

said “I - said, “I

Farmers own - Farmer's own

collapse, and - no comma

passed, how - passed, or how

awoke the - awoke, the

chair, and - no comma

alright” he - alright,” he

credit” he - credit,” he

“Potion?” The - “Potion?” the

you” he - you,” he

need.” he - need,” he

King, and - no comma

then turned - Then he turned

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

shinning - shining

out” I - out,” I

worms forked - worm's forked

all, and - no comma

Better his than mine.

this?” The - this?” the

this...Just - this.... Just

Hallow,” the sheriff - the next line goes here.

door, and - no comma

morning it - morning, it

first I - first, I

again Mrs. Dora. - again, Mrs. Dora.

welcome Mandy. - welcome, Mandy.

today.” “…And - today.… And

up Mrs. - up, Mrs.

clues,” Gina - clues.” Gina

said, and - no comma

two.” He - two,” he

dollars, and - no comma

buster? - Buster?

again, but - no comma

shouting. “Look, - shouting, “Look,

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

waist and - waist, and

way Niva, it - way, Niva; it

me." Her - me," her

complaining dear - complaining, dear

aunt, I - aunt. I

duty, you - duty; you

infront - in front

down and - down, and

However - However,

fine Niva - fine, Niva

Monti, Niva - Monti. Niva

lady and - lady, and

you my - you, my

unnatural and - unnatural, and

said, yes - said. Yes

her and - her, and

hardest. With - hardest with

parent, she - parent. She

words but - words, but

effect, they - effect; they

sides, and - no comma

happier." She - happier," she

atleast - at least

before but - before, but

brave, she - brave; she

did but - did, but

mask and - mask, and

slippers, the - slippers; the

her, she - her. She

death you - death, you

easily." He - easily," he

King he - King, he

difference he - difference; he

wedding." Said - wedding." said

look.." said Proce, - look," said Proce,

face and - face, and

moment he - moment, he

crying" he - crying," he

long," she - long." She

liar but - liar, but

this." He - this," he

dark, "you - dark. "You

father, he - father. He

understand he - understand; he

doesnt then - doesn't, then

go, we - go; we

sun and - sun, and

not," she - not." She

up, his - up. His

girl, I - girl; I

selfish, I - selfish. I

anything but - anything, but

up, he - up. He

wasnt - wasn't

sleeping, he - sleeping; he

hair once - hair, once

length had - length, had

wool and - wool, and

instant, he - instant; he

Lord and - Lord, and

dawn, this - dawn; this

then." He - then," he

around, she - around. She

years she - years, she

life she - life, she

family and - family, and

saucers but - saucers, but

"Whats - "What's

boy?" Her - boy?" her

friend and - friend, and

lord." He - lord," he

now, he - now. He

wilder and - wilder, and

everything." She - everything," she

"dont - "don't

me," she - me." She

crying, she - crying; she

"I couldnt, - "I couldn't,

while, she - while. She

come but - come, but

rest, tomorrow - rest; tomorrow

dark and - dark, and

seemed from - seemed, from

gloom the - gloom, the

appeared, she - appeared. She

people but - people, but

hand he - hand, he

Aecilli, Niva - Aecilli. Niva

stones) was - stones), was

water and into - water into

stone, glowed - no comma

flame, she - flame; she

terrifying, it - terrifying. It

doubts and - doubts, and

real but - real, but

Monti, you - Monti. You

them, you - them; you

anything." he - anything," he

face but - face, but

Monti, I - Monti. I

anything." she - anything," she

silence, the - silence; the

structure, yet he - structure; yet, he

This could - This could - italics works well for internal thought

afraid," he

darkness, he - darkness. He

one, yet he - one; yet, he

lord." she - lord." She

practised but - practised, but

Stallion "you - Stallion, "you

Dolcia, she - Dolcia. She

body and yet - body, and yet,

smile which - smile, which

Queen he - Queen; he

king, they - king. They

my Lord" she - my Lord," she

Monti, let - Monti. Let

wife." he - wife," he

them, slowly she - them. Slowly, she

shadows and - shadows, and

were he - where he

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

I would suggest a name change for the story. {Smashed Memories} {A Tale of Two Lives}

floor he - floor, he

Were they - Were they - italics works well for internal thought.

Sandstorms - new paragraph

storms it - storms, it

sand would - sand, would

gold and - gold, and

both but - both, but

School but - School, but

Two days - new paragraph

crossed they - crossed, they

ambush and - ambush, and

could but - could, but

her but - her, but

fall so it appears - fall, so it appeared

all and - all, and

explanation I - explanation he

ask, "how - ask, "How

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

You may find this site of some help.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/GRAMMAR/commas_big....

Some parts of the story are formatted using "centered." I think a left adjusted format makes for easier reading.

hope and, - no comma

possibilities. With - possibilities, where

clock lay - clock, set for 10:00am, lay

and, fluffy - no comma

assuming, some - no comma

and, was - no comma

bed and, you're - bed, and you're

me." Kayden - me," Kayden

his 3 - his three

decided sticking - decided that sticking

walked he - walked, he

fetch he - fetch, he

Scarborough which - Scarborough, which

Meaning he - Meaning, he

"Why did - Why did - italics works well for internal thought.

enormous thought - enormous, thought

and, not - no comma

cars, vision - cars. Vision

Toronto answered - Toronto, answered - Toronto is the end of the internal thought.

conscious." - delete quote mark.

accident he - accident," he

himself". - no quote

and, Toronto - no comma

halt he - halt, he

However - However,

and, found - no comma

blushing he - blushing, he

latte and, - no comma

lattes; warm - lattes: warm

until, you - no comma

bring so, you - bring, so you

them it - them, it

women he - women, he

any he - any, he

catching. A - catching: a

was, it - was; it

him he he - him, he

glance and, now - glance, and now

4:30am reports - 4:30am, reports

trails I - trails, I

recognizable but, it - recognizable, but it

look the - look, the

and, have 2 - and has two

wings" quoted - wings," quoted

close it - close, it

inside I - inside; I

floor noted. - floor. noted does not appear to be needed.

object Ballinda - object, Ballinda

whatsoever and, that - whatsoever, and that

a rebellion - a rebel

warranted - instructed seems to fix context better.

have to returned - have returned

police she - police, she

and, Ballinda's - no comma

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

rack hitting - rack, hitting

clothing and - clothing, and

wall my - wall, my

Captain" replied - Captain," replied

captains queries - captain's queries

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

higher!’ She - higher!’ she

tree, and - no comma

reach and - reach, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Take a look at verb and subject agreement. This site has helpful information as well as links to other sites that will be of help.
agreement.http://grammar.about.com/od/ab/g/agreementerm.htm
http://teacherweb.com/CT/scottsridgems/Jennes/punc...

hand shake - hand shakes

chair and - chair, and

“Dad get - “Dad got

complain “not - complained, “not

Doze off on the desk have - Dozing off on the desk has

lines form - Lines form . . . “You’re - this part goes with the line below it.

should’t - spelling

does’t - spelling

dad and - dad, and

to happy, - to be happy,

she ruffles - She ruffles

step out - steps out

never did. - never does. Stay with the present tense.

sweater with a - sweater and

jean - jeans

the stair. - the stairs.

she nod - she nods

test.” Irene reply. - test,” Irene replies.

he grin to - he grins at

He expecting - He is expecting

genius.” mom say - genius,” mom says

dad stare - dad stares

reply but mom interrupt - reply, but mom interrupts

display on - displayed on

It’s my - Is it my

she not - she is not

“Stacy.....Tiffany.....Kevin.....” - “Stacy . . . Tiffany . . . Kevin. . . .”

test is - test was

who careless - who were careless

“congratulation. 98.” her - to the front, “congratulation. 98.” Her - move this to previous paragraph.

lip tug - lip tugs

grin wider - grin widens

me, who have a smile rise - me. A smile rises

face and she plop - face, and she plops

Bolt give - Bolt gives

grade.” he - grade,” he

class and - class, and

test waiting next - test is waiting over the next

groans and ‘no’ - Groans and "no"

classmates mouth - classmates' mouths

dismiss.” - dismissed.”

he gives - He gives

leaves blown - leaves, blown

landing - land

Toddlers voice - Toddlers voices

How it feels - How does it feel

give me - gives me

want a fame - want fame

never make - never makes

Sometime I - Sometimes I

Irene’s does’t - Irene doesn’t

say “You - say, “You

daughter, we - daughter; we

in sport. - in sports.

she does’t - doesn't she

'congrats’ - "congrats"

voice approach. - voice says.

smile flash - smile flashes

her face - Who is this?

kids still - kids are still

She continue, - She continues, “Something - the next line continues here

voice lower - voice lowers

I stupid - I am stupid

did’t - spelling

she glance - She glances

she sigh. - She sighs.

she hung - she hangs

talk them.” - talk with them.”

she’s away. - she’s gone.

that have - that has

I have no - I am in no

and make - and makes

Why I can - How can I

minutes and I tired - minutes, and I am tired

test and - test, and

me then he call - me, then he will call

parents and they - parents, and they will be
begging for

bed and - bed, and

notes and - notes, and

number which - number, which

raped. . .Or - raped.. . . Or

got raped. . ." - got raped.. . ."

hand and - hand, and

vessel and - vessel, and

please, to - no comma

intoned, ‘It’s - intoned, "It’s

dezert - is this desert

clogged and - clogged, and

these day.” - these days.”

this …” - this.…”

hand which - hand, which

Yeest bacteria. - is that yeast?

period and - period, and

languages." Mac's - languages," Mac's

faces, They - faces. They

stance and - stance, and

dare…” - dare.…”

desert our - desert out

time but - time, but

City and - City, and

priest and - priest, and

with Terrie - with Terrie,

Anna!” He - Anna!” he

him except - him, except

Mum.” She - Mum,” she

camera and - camera, and

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

yours!" A - yours!" a

A white - past tense is being used, so stay with that.

Mr..." - Mr...."

climate...preferably - climate ... preferably

vanished in a split second. - vanished.

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

was might - was mighty

said "If - said, "If

drown" - drown."

drown and - drown, and

wisdom and - wisdom, and

said "Hello - said, "Hello

stopping I - stopping, I

said "I - said, "I

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

brother and - brother, and

mind and - mind, and

works and - works, and

musings and - musings, and

movie." I say - movie," I say - this site may be of interest - http://teacherweb.com/CT/scottsridgems/Jennes/punc...

"Alex these - "Alex, these

How can - new paragraph

or it isn't. - or it isn't, she mused.

somthing?" - something?"

over and - over, and

ok that - ok, that

changes and - changes, and

mother so - mother, so

night and - night, and

dark and - dark, and

lights and - lights, and

screen and - screen, and

goodness it - goodness, it

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

pockets and - pockets, and

over the - over to the

keys and - keys, and

the ground - try floor - carpet - tile

door and - door, and

radio and - radio, and

a few to - words missing here

her and - her, and

contest, “We - contest, “we

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

this site may be of interest

http://teacherweb.com/CT/scottsridgems/Jennes/punc...

soundwaves - sound waves

Warcry - War cry

cold, yet - cold; yet

heavens and - heavens, and

wished tongue continue - not clear what this means

to the conclusion of this conclusion - to this conclusion

you," A - you," a

Valapit," it - Valapit." it

room?" He - room?" he

we?" Her - we?" her

here.” The - here,” the

The voiced - The voice

trancelike - trance like

Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

downstairs or - downstairs, or

project..." - project...."