iKïyå§ama's (satet) Reviews

iKïyå§ama

Review Requests: ON

2,130 Public Reviews Given

4,295 Total Reviews Given

51

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742296

Review of Room 314

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Tori Purchase

!

I will be reviewing your work "Room 314"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

A traveller stops at a hotel, once considered a luxury retreat, only to be confronted by their worst nightmares. Nothing is as it seems.

Pluses:

You definitely have a way with words. Your ability to paint a scene with wonderful imagery is the stand out of this story. Just the second paragraph alone, already lets us know just how lonely and frightening the environment is.

>> Its brass buttons were tarnished, some bearing the scars of countless frustrated pushes.

>> Dust motes danced in the shaft of sunlight filtering through a grime-coated skylight, casting long, skeletal shadows across the marble floor.

Now, I guess any normal person would ask - "Why would you even decide to stay in such a place? There was no one at the reception desk for crying out loud, and let's not even talk about how dusty and cobwebby the entire place is. Shouldn't that have you running out the door and chasing down that taxi driver?"

Unfortunately, and for the sake of story-telling, we cannot allow rationale thinking to get in the way of a good mystery/horror. I am simply reminded of classic movies (especially the black and white ones) that tend to use this particular plot. Cue in the dreadful scary music and you've taken the reader down the world of Vincent Price et. al.

There's an air of finality with the last few lines, as the reader is left to assume that there is no hope for the narrator.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Eventually, he put (the) suitcases down

Aside from the little typo noticed, this was a well-written horror short story. Thanks so very much for sharing, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

52

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742292

Review of A map to Hellenbach

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Kåre Enga in Montana

!

I will be reviewing your work "A map to Hellenbach"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a writing challenge, this short story tells of two friends who, while cleaning out an attic, discover a strange-looking map. Remember the saying of 'one man's trash is another man's treasure'? this story encapsulates that quite well.

Pluses:

It never hurts to have images within a story, and I liked that you used an actual map to start off this tale; giving the reader an idea of what the main subject matter is.

Dialogue heavy, your story allows the reader to visualize the events as they take place, and to picture each situation as we go along. First there's the curiosity about the strange map, and the narrator's descriptions are quite hilarious:

The lines made loops and circles as if some lazy bird was etching daisies across the sky or maybe like an errant mole who couldn't see where it was going.

Wait! Aren't moles naturally blind anyway?

All the same, our narrator decides that the map is worthless and prepares to toss it into the trash, when his friend stalls him. He claims that the map is priceless as it was something he had made when he was only twelve-years-old. One cannot fault the narrator for wanting to throw out something, from that long ago, that doesn't really make sense, however, it's the story behind the creation of the map that brings it all to light.

The narrator's friend recounts listening to war stories from his grandfather of all the tour of duties he'd been a part of. I dread to think of the PTSD he must have gone through, especially as the friend states that Grandpa particularly enjoyed singing randomly about strange topics. Unfortunately, Grandpa would pass away before the map could be completed, for the narrator's friend is sure that he was alluding to real treasure somewhere.

It's his grandpa’s last words that still resonate with him which was to follow the path wherever it led. And where does it lead exactly? "To Hell and Back".

May I please now direct you to the title of the story, where you can attempt to read out the name of the town "Hellenbach". Pretty clever.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

Since this was written for a first chapter contest, I will say it does kick off a lot of possibilities. I'd have suggested it being a little longer, as this sort of reads like a prologue. All the same, it definitely makes the reader curious to know more about this place called Hallenbach.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

53

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742141

Review of Touch

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hallo IE

!

I will be reviewing your work "Touch"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a prompt-driven contest, this is a poem that touches (no pun intended) on a relationship that appears to be on the forbidden side.

Pluses:

Well done incorporating the prompts given into the poem, which reads as a free verse, if I'm not mistaken. I do like the format, however, as it reads almost as 'careless' as the participants in this forbidden tryst.

The way the poem starts off, it gives one the illusion that we are dealing with a set of lovesick teenagers, and I'm desperately trying to come up with a backstory as to what might have happened to make the first meeting occur in the first place. Are they neighbours or best friends from childhood or just strangers meeting each other for the first time? Whatever the case, it appears the attraction started from that summer night.

The theme of 'touch' is prevalent in this piece.

And I see the clever progression as we read through the poem. They all tend to stand out; 'You want to touch' to 'Do we touch?' to 'We touch' to 'I want to touch again' - could almost read like a dance of seduction as it goes through the stages of a relationship.

Of course, the stand out section that really grabs your attention is:

In your car
On that night
Far from the prying eyes
Of your spouse
And of mine

Well darn, there goes all thoughts of this being teenagers, yes? What makes things even more troubling (or fun depending on how you look at it) is that both are still enamoured with each other as seasons pass by. I guess one can only wish our lovebirds the happiness they truly deserve in the future, eh?

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

I cannot think of any productive suggestion to give to you regarding this. Or at least anything that constructive. I simply enjoyed it!

Thanks so very much for sharing your poem with us. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

54

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742133

Review of The best part of my day

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo KS23

!

I will be reviewing your work "The best part of my day"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a prompt-driven contest, this short story follows the daily morning ritual of a jogger who allows us into a glimpse of his journey around his neighbourhood. We are introduced to not just the surroundings he encounters, but there's a subtle social commentary edged in there somewhere.

Pluses:

Phew! Even I'm exhausted after reading that!

If this piece was designed to get one to become motivated about running/jogging daily, guess it would work. Not for me though. I am as lazy as they come. Hah!

However, I can truly appreciate the way this was written. First off, you used the prompts given quite well, and in this piece about a jogger's morning routine, you are able to give us an idea of his personality as well as the neighbourhood he calls home. From the description of each street - which in turn have their own personalities - to the visitors he encounters along the way.

I particularly enjoyed all the animals he meets and the names he gives them; almost like they eagerly anticipate his arrival each day and welcome him with their chirps or barks. I liked the subtle distinction that was made between the rich and the poor just by the way the streets were designed (which does get one thinking actually).

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>By the time I return (,) the club will be

>>In an hour (,) the sun will ease over the distant hills

>>He calls a greeting (,) and I return

>>Seven minutes later (,) I'm back at my car tilting

Aside from my nitpicky little punctuation points, this was an enjoyable read, and again - could be a motivational poster for those who want to know just what should make them get up in the wee hours of the morning to go running around their neighborhood. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

55

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742130

Review of Driving To The East Coast Of Korea

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo JCosmos

!

I will be reviewing your work "Driving To The East Coast Of Korea "

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a prompt challenge, this is a short poem that highlights memories of the poet's trip in Korea.

Pluses:

I am going to challenge myself to write a lengthy review with so short a poem. Hah! But in all seriousness, this is a lovely piece and although I've not been to Korea (and I'm guessing we are talking about South Korea here), I am a fan of the country, its people, and culture!

You did a great job incorporating the prompts, given in the challenge, into the poem. It starts out with the time of the year the journey took place, which is in spring - not sure how hot it gets over there during the spring, but you point out the need to escape the heat. I've heard quite a bit about the East Sea - and by the line where it says 'as we drove off to the coast', I'm assuming it's that location, yes?

Cherry blossoms seem to be a staple of most Asian countries, and I've been lucky to be exposed to the beauty of those flowers when they are in full bloom especially during spring. Your poem does a good job bringing that to life with just a few words.

It ends with the simple act of chatting over a cup of coffee, and I can picture a quaint little local Korean eatery with a fantastic view of the East Sea. You do state the poem is biographical, and I'm now curious as to your experiences in that lovely country. Gosh, you make me want to get on the next plane to Korea now!

Suggestions:

Unfortunately, I can't think of any suggestions to give. Some poems tend to go heavy with the imagery and need to make everything so...frilly (if that makes sense). Sometimes short and sweet can be just as effective, and I think you pulled that off quite well with this piece.

Thanks for sharing the poem with us. It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

56

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742113

Review of Glory in Full Vision

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hallo John Andrew Jenkins

!

I will be reviewing your work "Glory in Full Vision"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a prompted challenge, this short story tells of a young man who feels slighted by his coach over an incident that was not of his making. He feels he ought to be given another chance to prove himself, but perhaps the man he looks up to isn't exactly as supportive as he would like.

Pluses:

Mostly dialogue heavy, this story did well enough to incorporate the prompts given. At first, I wasn't quite sure where this was going as I was under the illusion it was over some other popular sport. Nice twist at the end there of exactly what sport the whole debacle was about.

You do well in capturing Plagran's desperation in the beginning, but his determination at the end of it could be considered admirable; though a part of me thinks he comes off as a bit of a snob (well typical rich kid who gets what he wants).

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>he had always told his friends
(the 'he' should be capitalized since it starts the sentence)

>>From your summary which says 'this is a story about a young boy's journey', I was under the impression this was going to be a tale about a...well young boy. But seeing the lines about him being able to drive, perhaps you should use the term 'young man' instead.

>>the warm air swirling around his fingertips and lightening his hair,
(how does warm air lighten one's hair? Or did you mean 'lifting' his hair?)

P.S: Who knew jousting had become an actual sporting event? Wait 'til the Olympic committee hears about this. It will become a thing in 2200 or something of the sort.

Thanks for sharing your story and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

57

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742095

Review of A Sudanese Century Plant’s Dream

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo debmiller1

!

I will be reviewing your work "A Sudanese Century Plant’s Dream"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Based on a prompt in a writing contest, this short story deals with the introspective thoughts of a Sudanese man, who finds himself at a crossroads with his desire to remain in the United States to become successful or to return back home where fear and the unknown awaits.

Pluses:

Brilliant piece of writing considering such 'boring' word prompts that were given for the day's challenge. Being able to incorporate them into a story this deep and powerful is a testament to your creativity.

You bring the story of Faheem Hassan to life, and it is almost poetic how he compares his life to the century plant (which I actually had to look up though you description was good enough, but still it was an interesting plant to use). You tell of his journey to the United States, and how he was forced to leave his family behind just to make sure he fulfilled the requirements of the lottery visa won.

You write about the hardships faced in the States; having to acclimate oneself to a new country, speak their language and assimilate as best as possible despite his difficult living conditions. It seemed like no matter how hard he worked; there was never enough money to send home.

Still, he and his companions do finally get to become naturalized citizens - and I'm honestly not sure why they always feel the need for that to be a big production. Why do that in the middle of a baseball game? Ah, well. The photo ops, I guess.

Sadly, a phone call from home fills him with his worst fear; his missing family. What's become of them and what other choice does he have but to return and give up on creating a new life in America? Tough decisions have to be made, and Hassan decides on what's best in the end.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Tears threaten(ed) to spill over and shame him.
(keeping in line with the tense of the story - sounded much better while reading out loud)

>>mound during in (a) Columbus baseball game

>>and became naturalized citizen(s).

Congratulations on your win for the day's challenge, and thanks for sharing the story. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

58

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4742005

Review of The Mother's Day Gift

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Legerdemain

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Mother's Day Gift"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a challenge/contest, this is a short story about a mother who is terribly concerned about her son's odd behaviour lately. She voices her concerns and wonders what he could possibly be up to, but with his unforthcoming responses and not seeming to be too bothered about it, the end result is a heartwarming surprise that brings her to tears. Can we say 'the perfect' Mother's Day gift, ever?

Pluses:

I'm a sucker for good dialogue and considering the nature of the characters in this story, you did a great job portraying their physical attributes without really saying what type of animals they are. Well done!

Mother's concern is obvious as she stares helplessly at what her son's doing, while Papa considers it as just a 'phase' that he will grow out of. Hah, and they said humans and animals don't have that much in common.

Fortunately, the mystery is solved come Mother's Day when our 'naughty' boy presents a wonderful gift; giving us an idea of why he was so adamant and persistent in creating so many holes around the place. I'm guessing Mom will forgive him anything now after such diligent work.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>“You don’t think he’s a little crazy (,) do you?

Aside from my little nitpick of a missing punctuation mark, this was a heartwarming and wonderful short story. I notice it's geared toward children as well, so kudos! Personally, I find it hard to write in this genre, but you pulled it off quite well as you know your audience and how to keep their attention.
Thanks for sharing your story with us and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

59

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741884

Review of Lenore

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo StephBee - GOT Survivor

!

I will be reviewing your work "Lenore"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a short story about a man who receives a strange, yet troubling letter from the wife he left back home. So concerning is this letter, that he makes the choice to abandon a rather important meeting, just so he could return before it was too late. Unfortunately, what awaits him is nothing short of devastating.

Pluses:

Would you believe if I told you that I must be the only person on the planet who has not yet read Poe's work The Raven? Yes, I am embarrassed. However! I am aware of the basic gist of it, and know about the characters Lenore, and of course our good(?) friend the raven.

Although the first section of the story seems to rely only on dialogue to convey the events taking place, it was done so very well. We could feel the tension and panic in the narrator, and you make the reader want to leap into the tale to make him hurry back home. The sense of foreboding is palpable.

I also enjoyed the way you described some scenes; take for instance this section below:

>> Fog crept over the wet streets. Visibility was poor. --- Trash scattered along the sidewalks and the stench of urine cut the fog.

One can clearly see the dingy-gloom of the city, and it helps to heighten the emotions the narrator is experiencing.

As for the ending paragraphs, when our narrator finally reaches his destination, he is met with a brother who seems far too gone to give him the answers he seeks, or perhaps the way he looked out the window told the narrator all he needed to know. We can feel his anguish at what has just taken place.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> “Very well.” James replied.
There should be a comma after 'well', not a period.

Aside from the minor nitpick, this was a wonderful gothic tale that invokes the spirit of Edgar Allan Poe. Well done, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

60

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741298

Review of Gilda's Roses

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hallo Prosperous Snow celebrating

!

I will be reviewing your work "Gilda's Roses"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a short story that appears to be written for a challenge; though I would have loved to see what the prompt was about. However, it tells of a man who still enjoys the simple task of watering the flowers of his beloved wife, Gilda, even ten years after their last argument. However, an unexpected guest appears. Who is he? And what does he want with our protagonist's wife?

Pluses:

Not sure if you have heard of the T.V. show 'Tales of the Unexpected', but this story of yours would make for a very nice episode of that program. You've done a good job setting up the scene for us, letting us somewhat know of the kind of relationship Bradly had with his wife Gilda. Maybe it's just me, but I was able to tell right away that something was off in the beginning.

With the introduction of Jacob, however, we get to see a completely different side of a man we once thought quiet and unassuming. At the knowledge that Jacob is his wife's brother (where has he been all these years by the way?), Bradly immediately does what he knows best. To silence all those likely to reveal his darkest of secrets.

Unfortunately, there now comes the problem of hiding his deed. With nosey neigbhors about the place, where else can be used to keep the damning evidence? I'll leave it up to the next reader to try to figure that out!

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> I'm her brother (,) Jacob."

>> he dropped four small piles (pills) into one

>> "Where is Gilda (?)," asked Jacob,

>> "She went shopping, but she aught (ought) to be back soon (.)"

>> Soon (,) Jacob was passed out on the couch.

>> Gilda's bones are buried there (,) and I can't afford

Thanks for sharing your short story with us. It was a pleasure to read. Write on!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

61

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741293

Review of Worm Moon

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hallo J.R. PETE

!

I will be reviewing your work "Worm Moon"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a story that follows the mystery of a red quartz necklace and its effect on a village, and its occupants, that vanishes mysteriously. It's a case that remains unsolved for thousands of years. The story was written for a writing challenge where given phrases for prompts had to be used within.

Pluses:

It's never easy to tell a full story using only dialogue without confusing the heck out of the reader. So, kudos on managing to pull that off with this story.

Second, you were able to weave in three different timelines with this one; allowing the reader to go from the birth of the mystery, in what I'm guessing is the medieval era - to the present day with all of modern technology in its glory.

The first section tells of two (probably) witches who live in a village ruled by a Spiritcaster. However, it's the discovery of a unique necklace that causes a stir; where the finder believes that the rock used had fallen from the sky. Naturally, this does not sit well with the Spiritcaster, and a stoning of the heretic is ordered.

The second section fast forwards to the 1940s, I presume, where archaeologists have discovered the remnants of a skull; evidence of the stoning that transpired all those years ago, and yet there's the mystery of finding anything about the village itself. One would expect bodies to be found at that location, but there is nothing there.

Fast forward to the present day, and we meet scientists/archaeologists who are still in search of the mystery behind the disappearing village, only this time, it seems that a higher governing body is doing its best to prevent others from knowing the real reason behind it. One of the scientists assumes it might have had something to do with a lunar eclipse, but the mystery will continue to remain unsolved.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> "The red (rose) quartz appears to be a necklace fragment

>> The last few paragraphs of your story has some formatting issues - a writing ML tag is not properly closed off - and some paragraphs need to be seperated. You also did not put the last line as a part of the dialogue, as I assume one of the characters was still talking.

Well done with your short mystery tale. It was an enjoyable read and did make me curious to know more. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

62

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741279

Review of The Children of the Euphrates

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Scott Wilfred Hemsway

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Children of the Euphrates"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

In a place called Lorrington, there are a group of misfits who are considered the children of Euphrates. This area is filled with a collection of unique characters, each with a dark role to play. There is something more about this neighborhood that meets the eye.

Pluses:

For some reason, you had me going to do some quick research on certain words and even on the title of the story because I was sure there was something historical related to it. However, while we all know of the river Euphrates, I'm not sure it has anything to do with this story. Why are these characters called that? I am more than curious to know.

And then, I see the names used and I checked out your username - was this story autobiographical? Surely not. All the same, I really enjoyed the way you set up each character and their personalities with just a sentence or two. You really did manage to create the creepiest of individuals around even if they are doing seemingly 'innocent' things.

Well...not quite. What and why are the Hemsways re-burying their brother who escaped the night before? Why does Katherine boil knit dolls? And why does her husband simply sit and rock an empty cot while singing? What is Alejandro burning? Although one might eventually figure it out when they get to the end of the story. And there's the priest, all dressed for mourning, but for whose funeral?

The main feature of this story, however, is Margaret - who we learn is a widower of her own making. From all the little gestures and behaviour, she exhibits, it's easy to assume she's into witchcraft. It's a theory that's given credence when an innocent 'victim' is wooed into that particular section of town, where it seems everyone holds their breath for what's about to happen.

I particularly enjoyed the feeling of suspense and tension you weave in that scene. Very nicely done. My only confusion comes with the last words she utters. Looking up the word 'chook', it appears to mean that the victim is being called a 'chicken'? Or is there something else behind it?

Suggestions:

The only suggestion I can think of is to perhaps consider expanding this. This story has so much potential to be something more, and I would be more than eager to know more about these fascinating characters.

Thanks for sharing, and write on!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

63

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741223

Review of Discovery of America?

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Sophy

!

I will be reviewing your work "Discovery of America?"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for the Writer's Cramp challenge, the prompt given was to write about a teacher trying to get the attention of a student, not paying attention, about the history of Christopher Columbus discovering America.

Pluses:

Well, first off...who the heck is Columbo?

Because my mind immediately went to the T.V. show character, and I'm sure that's who you were referring to; via Mr. Culpepper of course.

(Un)Fortunately for our weary students - except for the astute Brittney (poor girl was about to have a heart attack) - none of them are really truly aware of the yarn their history teacher is spinning, and it's hilarious!

From his chirpy introduction to a sleepy class (yes, 8.15 a.m. is brutal especially in this day and age), to him launching straight into the topic without waiting for them to catch their breath as well as the little rhyming song he made them chant was a hoot.

'In fourteen hundred and twenty nine
Columbo sailed the salty brine.'

Did I also forget to mention that Columbo's ship was called the Fettucini? Classic! And to wrap it all up in one neat bow, after such a brutal journey with no hope for survival, redemption comes in the form of a white dove with an olive branch and them landing and renaming the place as 'Plymouth Rock'.

. I'm sure for those who had always thought the Thanksgiving Holidays was about the pilgrims discovering Plymouth Rock, Mr. Culpepper's tale would be a shock to the senses.

Poor Brittney will need to re-consider a few things about her teacher after this.

Bottom line, I think you did a great job with the prompt. The humor was there in spades, and relying mostly on dialogue, it flowed smoothly and we as the readers, are able to visualize every moment quite well.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

Just a minor typo noticed:

>>and when the (they) got off the boat they named the place

Thanks for the fun read, Sophie, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4740912

Review of Mira's Fire

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hallo Foxtrot Victor

!

I will be reviewing your work "Mira's Fire"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Legend has it that the Moses family cemetery is given a wide berth by the locals. It's not recommended for folks to go visiting for no reason, but that doesn't seem to stop a trio of YouTubers. Their quest for adventure ends up in a most unexpected and fiery way.

Pluses:

This is flash fiction, which means I cannot expect as much detail to flesh out the story. However, you managed to describe the setting quite well with this particular section:

>>It’s summer on Lake Pontchartrain. The night air is warm, wet, and still. Curtains of Spanish moss hang from ancient live oaks, while a full moon casts a ghostly glow upon sixteen weathered gravestones.

Excellent attention to detail in just a few lines. You can feel the thickness and mystery in the air while reading.

Another section that caught my attention was:

>>Lucent lights glaring, their cameras recording, the interlopers wade into the fog. Taking separate paths, they weave among moss-covered markers. With each step, sullen sounds shatter sacred silence.

As I mentioned earlier, it is not easy to pack in so much information in a flash fiction. One has to rely on word economy, and you are able to tell so much in such few lines.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>“Come to me, child.” The flaming female form beckons.
Perhaps you could try:
"Come to me, child," the flaming female form beckons.
Since the female form is speaking to Emily, correct?

>>Matt drops his camera gear, and charges to save her.
Delete the comma.

>>But, upon reaching the trench, an unseen
Once upon a time, I was told it was not proper to start sentences with the word 'but'. So consider alternatives like 'however', or just doing away with it altogether as the sentence reads just fine without it.

Kudos to being able to pack so much information into a flash tale. The ending seemed a bit predictable, but it still doesn't deter us from feeling the fear and despair from your characters. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

65

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14 days may be credited.

#4740907

Review of Grandma's Pot

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Ametorpe

!

I will be reviewing your work "Grandma's Pot"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a story about the narrator's adventures surrounding her Grandmother's cooking pot - a large iron pot used to cook what was once her favorite meal - mpotompoto or yam pottage. Now, what is the reason for the delicious meal no longer being the narrator's favorite? Quite the odd event that happened late one night.

Pluses:

Dear Writer, I feel and hear you.

I grew up in a country just a few doors away from you, and I can relate to everything you've written and described in your story; except for what happens at the end of course.

The description of mpotompoto? Check! We have the same menu, in my country, and it's still one of my favorite dishes in the world. So no, not even the events of the final paragraphs will change my mind on eating it.

The sending of the children to spend vacations with the grandparents? Check! I could definitely see myself sleeping on that floor with your cousins, and sitting around the fire watching grandma stir that giant pot filled with delicious smelling pottage. Ah, the memories!

You are able to weave threads of nostalgia with your writing, even adding the extra parts that enrich the memories; the telling of the Ananse stories (yes, we even read those in my country), the story of your great-grandfather melting and making new pots out of old and rusted ones, and of course the introduction of the 'Black Ninja' whose exploits were always fun for the children in the village. The addition of him being a drunkard was a realistic torch that I can relate to as well.

Turns out that the Black Ninja would end up stealing the show at the end of this tale, for what he did on a drunken night to your grandmother's pot...it's no wonder you no longer want to eat the food anymore. However, a part of me wishes you had spilled the beans and let them know the truth though. Surely you must have told someone what happened, right? Yes?

Suggestions:

Not much to complain about. Perhaps to emphasize the word 'mpotompoto' in italics and to try avoiding starting sentences with the word 'But' as much as possible.

Overall, this was an interesting story to read and one that conjured up memories of my childhood as well. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

66

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14 days may be credited.

#4740899

Review of Loop

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo BattaDratchev

!

I will be reviewing your work "Loop"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a story about a character who has awakened from something and finds themselves walking aimlessly down an empty street in a world that now appears devoid of any other fellow human. They desperately try to understand how they ended up in this situation and why things appear to be in an endless loop.

Pluses:

First off, this line was absolutely spot on:

>>Snow crystals crush and pop like tiny frigid fireworks
Excellent use of sound/imagery here.

It already lets me know that I'm in for a story, no matter how short, that is going to show me exactly what the main character is experiencing. I was not disappointed.

Their thinking is 'off'- nothing seems to make sense and they appear to be trying to fit in the missing pieces as best as possible. So far, all we can tell is that something happened to this society where everyone was taken away with no real warning. Some emergency has caused everyone to be forced out of their homes without taking a single personal item with them. Why? And why was the narrator, and his crew, sent out to find any anomalies? What anomalies? Who sent them? What was the purpose of this exercise in the first place?

So while we puzzle ourselves with these questions, the narrator still continues on his endless walk, where we are confronted with a chilling twist at the end. I, literally, had goosebumps after reading it. And you know what? I'm dying to know more now because I think this story has so much potential to be expanded into something else.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>After walking for fifteen minutes (,) my mind keeps

>>My partners and I were brought in a big van, all of us together inside like we’re sardines.
I think it reads a little better without it.

>>I’m in a snow globe, the tiny little occupant of a snow globe, I’m half-expecting someone to shake everything and stir the snow until it drifts around everywhere.
This was a bit of a confusing section to read; perhaps you could try:
I'm in a snow globe; the tiny little occupant of a snow globe. I'm half-expecting someone to shake everything and stir the snow until it drifts around everywhere.

Unfortunately, you've not been online in some time. However, should you choose to return and you stumble upon this review, I do hope you consider expanding this story. You write quite well and this tale has so many possibilities. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

67

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14 days may be credited.

#4740889

Review of Aura Of Authority

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hallo foxtale

!

I will be reviewing your work "Aura Of Authority"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a story about a father's recollection of a red whistle left behind by his daughter who is now in college. The whistle evokes memories of her struggles to become a lifeguard and the pride she felt when she finally achieved her goal.

Pluses:

Every once in a while, you come across a story that just puts a smile on your face from start to finish, and this was one such story.

I think your writing style is succint and 'easy-on-the-eye'. From the note at the bottom of the story, and a quick browse of your portfolio, you're already an established writer with published works to your name. Congratulations!

Back to your story, though, where you've managed to draw the reader into the life once lived with Melanie. You make her real to us, and we are able to go through her trials and tribulations. From the description of the garishly outfitted antique dress form that stood guard at the landing of the stairway, we can already tell what kind of a girl Melanie is. She comes across as a young woman who was filled with school spirit, loved fashion and enjoyed dancing.

Yet, there was one thing that seemed to hold her back and that was her petite figure. It might be something most girls would love to have as a body type, but your daughter had bigger goals and this involved becoming a lifeguard; a job that unfortunately, she got passed on several times because she didn't fit the conventional body type.

You tell of the family's disappointment when she was not picked the first time, and one might have expected her to give up, but instead she becomes even more determined to study and work harder. She is able to get her First Aid and CPR certificates and even does her 'time' teaching swimming lessons for a while. Does she grumble about the job? Nope. She puts in a 110% while still keeping her eyes on the prize.

When she finally gets her reward and is given a summer lifeguard assignment at a lake, we the readers cheer as well and applaud her undauntable spirit. However, it's the tale she recounts to the family about her first attempt at breaking up a fight that's rounds up this story with unexpected humor. Thinking those big boys had actually been afraid of her stomping up to them, while blowing her whistle, might have scared them into submission, it was actually the park patrolman standing silently behind her responsible for their behaviour!

Ah, so she didn't prove to be the big baddie, but it was fun for everyone involved including the patrolman who praised her for being brave.

In a way, I think this story can be a blueprint and inspiration to those who might find themselves at a disadvantage or feel they might never be able to achieve their goals. I feel like Melanie's spirit is just what's needed to give them that extra motivation to never give up.

Suggestions:

I can offer no suggestions to this as it was a well-written story.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful tale with us. It seems you've not been online in a while, but if you do happen to stumble upon this review, please let us know how Melanie is doing these days and if you even still have that whistle around.

Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

68

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14 days may be credited.

#4740777

Review of Saint Patrick's Day Dragon CNotes

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hallo, fellow Dragon GERVIC 🐉 WDC Dragon Vale

!

I will be reviewing your work "Saint Patrick's Day Dragon CNotes"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a Community Notes shop specially designed to celebrate the holiday of St. Patrick's Day.

Pluses:

Well...when you see dragons, and cute ones at that, there's only one name that comes creeping up to mind. Mr. Gervic!

Our Writing.com resident dragon-tamer returns with a shop that's filled with the most adorable images of dragons just for St. Patrick's Day. Don't think I've ever seen a shop just for this particular holiday, so good job on filling that niche.

Despite them all being adorably cute, green, and dragony; each of the images have something that represents either the holiday or the country of Ireland. There's the first with his bowel of Lucky Charms (clever!), the second is wielding a horseshoe (need to actually look up why horseshoes are a thing for the holiday), the third happily dances over a bridge in front of a rainbow, the fourth is just spacing out lost in his thoughts, the fifth has the Irish flag, the sixth with a lovely celtic symbol (I love those!), the seventh, I assume owns an Irish castle, the eighth balloons with four-leaf clovers, the ninth surrounded by shiny gold coins, and the tenth surrounded by coins as well, but with the added touch of searching for even more treasures with that map of his.

The price is also reasonable taking into consideration the 'fee' the site collects for each note purchased.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

It's not a necessity, however, it wouldn't be a bad idea to actually have greetings written on the images. Maybe one or two of them could have the words 'Happy St. Patrick's Day' or 'Slainte' or anything else related to the event itself. Just something to consider if you decide to switch things up a bit.

Overall, well done with the shop! Your artistic eye is a great boon for the community. Keep it up!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

69

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14 days may be credited.

#4740730

Review of The Symphony of Life

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hallo Emerick - The Preacher

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Symphony of Life"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a poem of self-reflection; one that ought to make the reader contemplate their existence within the tapestry that is Life. The poem emphasis on what makes this earth so unique and special, and allows the reader to feel that he or she is a part of its beauty. It gives feelings of self-empowerment; and for one to believe in themeselves. So, yes, this is a poem for one to read should they need revalidation of their importance.

Pluses:

Do you sing? Or write lyrics? Because this almost read like a song.
Not to sound like I'm overpraising you, but there really is a beauty to the rhythm and rhyme of this piece. Let's not even talk about the subject matter itself.

You start off with the mysteries that surround this world we live in. Why are things the way they are? What makes the sky its hue of blue or how are the leaves so vibrant with color? In the second stanza, the line:

And fingers, each unique, with stories to speak.

- is excellent. It really makes you think, doesn't it? That our fingers and hands have touched so many things in our lifetime and the stories they could tell...endless.

In the third stanza, you ask us to be more self-reflective; to figure out just what we could be running away from - if at all? Perhaps we are afraid of revealing things that would make us more vulnerable. Or we are not willing to be more open with others at all.

In the fourth stanza, you ask us to embrace our flaws; that no matter what religion you affiliate with, you were created as something special. That we are masterpieces in our own right.

In the fifth, you encourage us to embrace those flaws and imperfections; that those are the very things that make us unique and different from everyone else. Being perfect is so boring after all, isn't it? You have to try to take pride in who you are even if nobody else will.

You finish it off with a lovely stanza that starts off with:

For in the tapestry of existence, you are a thread,

I can appreciate the imagery there. It does leave one with hope and feeling so much better about themselves.

Suggestions:

I struggle to find anything to suggest; the poem is very well-written.

Thanks so very much for sharing this piece with us, and the best of luck with your future writing endeavors.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

70

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14 days may be credited.

#4740724

Review of THE FRONT

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Bob

!

I will be reviewing your work "THE FRONT"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

A young woman recounts her fashion journey through high school until graduation. She is always dressed uniquely; dances to her own tune you might say and leaves everyone wondering where she gets her styles from. She even manages to end up dating a sweet guy, but still cannot get herself to be truly honest with him. However, her 'front' all comes tumbling down when she gets the surprise of her life after thinking she was going to get away from it all.

Pluses:

Your story reads like poetry; free verse or rather you read it in the voice of a dispassionate teenager who longs for something more. It's almost mysterious as well - of course it is; seeing as she hides who she truly is from everyone in school and even the boy who ends up falling for her. This is a resourceful character and her inner strength despite the harsh reality has made her determined to pursue her dreams.

Great job being able to capture all that with your words.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Can't afford a perm (,) so I cut my own hair

>>Waiting tables and collecting tips from hungry(-)eyed boys.

>>On my day off (,) I haunt the thrift stores and

>>I had him drop me between two mansions (,) and I hurried between

>>there sits Ricky behind the receptionist(')s desk

>>"I'm here,

you don't have to be cool anymore."
"I'm here. You don't have to be cool anymore." (would look better broken into two sentences)

So, aside from the punctuation errors noted, this was a delightful short story. Thanks for sharing with us and write on!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

71

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740703

Review of The cat always knows

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hallo Kevster

!

I will be reviewing your work "The cat always knows"

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

A young boy finds an old baseball glove and suddenly finds himself transported to a new world where he meets strange new creatures and a mysterious woman who delivers a cryptic message to him; all guided by a blind dog and a cat that seems to know a little more than she lets on.

Pluses:

It is never easy to write a children's story; don't care what anyone else says (because I find it difficult for some reason). It's a delicate act to convey childlike wonder without boring the audience it's intended for, and in this case, you did a good job setting up the spirit of adventure and mystery nicely.

The elements for that are all in place; the setting - a simple quiet community - the characters which starts off with the deaf dog and this cat with no name, and of course, our protagonist who is about to find himself in a place least expected.

I like your way with words and being able to describe scenes well enough that I can visualize them while reading. The way the story ends makes me want to know so much more because it does seem unfinished (I am guessing you had to cut it off due to word count), but there's so much potential for a longer and more fleshed out story if you decide to revisit it.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

Unfortunately, for all its good intentions, there were quite a few problems noted that made reading through this somewhat difficult. I will try to highlight a few of them:

>>In a quiet corner of a suburban street, where Daffodils danced
Daffodils should not be capitalized. (I noticed some words bolded which I assume is part of the challenge to use those words within your story)

>>Upon waking up (,) he immediately realized he could smell and breathe better, (.) He opened his eyes

>>The boy then spotted Charlie! Running down his street and decided to run after him.
While I understand you trying to convey the boy's suprise/excitement at seeing Charlie, I would suggest re-writing this in a different way. Perhaps italicizing 'Charlie' or actually making the boy cry out his name in surprise.

>>the air felt much warmer than before (he) slipped.
this is the start of a new sentence, so 'the' should be capitalized.

>>The young boy (,) however (,) didn't really think much of it at this time (,) but he was about to learn (its) hidden secrets.

>>Charlie suddenly (?) and the boy hastily went up to him.
What did Charlie suddenly do?

>>he stood in front of the cat, just sitting there in the road.
Capitalize 'h' as it starts a new sentence

>>Suddenly (,) the air got thin and the wind picked up in speed,

he looked around and when he turned back
This can be broken into two sentences.

>>"you have been chosen, child," she spoke. "Choose to unravel the mysteries that have been lost for centuries. I am your path and your guide."

The boy's mind raced with a thousand questions,
'Y' should be capitalized - new sentence. And I put the down arrow there, because your formatting was not well done. That should start or begin as a new paragraph.

>>He wasn't sure what had just happened within the last moment or still sure or (of who) she was (,) but he knew he could trust her.

>>walking back the boy could see otherworldly creatures
'W' should be capitalized. A new sentence.

>>4 headed deer (,) with upside-down people riding them (,) frolicked
Four-headed deer reads much easier.

>>He stood up and said (,) "My names (name) is Chance (,) and I'm gonna be okay(.)"

>>The kitty rubbed against his leg and purred,

he could feel the vibrations of it more than ever.
Could be broken into two sentences.

As you can see, there's quite a bit of work to be done, and as I stated earlier; the ending is a bit 'unfinished'. He went home for dinner...after getting all that information and mystery orb from the cat? What does that orb do beside make him feel powerful and see weird things? If he's been chosen for something great, I think it would be nice to see just what great things are in store for him, right? Soemthing to think about as you consider expanding the story.

Thanks for sharing your writing with us, and keep it up!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

72

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14 days may be credited.

#4740688

Review of Bronze Nostalgia

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Kevster

!

I will be reviewing your work "Bronze Nostalgia "

on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

One day, at a fair, an old man picks up a coin in delight; believing that this coin is filled with a rich history. However, the real story behind the coin is less dramatic and quite amusing; yet its journey through time until the present is one that we can all relate to in some way.

Pluses:w

With the first read, I had to chuckle at the true story of the coin, for it's quite true that something we might consider a treasure today was actually considered...well, not so important by someone else in the past.

What stood out to me in your poetry is how well your rhyming scheme worked well to convey the tale. I am no poetry expert, but reading out loud, the flow was very well done.

Now, let's talk about the imagery; for your way with words and your ability to paint the picture for us is excellent. I could see the old man bending down to pick up his coin; could picture his expression of delight as he admired his new treasure including his thoughts on what it meant to him.

Flash back to the real story behind the coin, and I am able to see Young Jimmy, desperate for relief, just doing what was normal for him on any given day. Did he think his bitten coin would end up being someone's gift in the future? Doubt it. But the last three lines of the poem:

That coin carries tales of a bygone age.
A memory's echo, an enduring spark,
In the sands of time, leaving its mark

- seem to say that despite it all, that ordinary coin is indeed rich in its own way.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

This is a more of a question than an actual suggestion, but why did you choose to start off some lines with capitalization and others without? Is it just a stylistic choice? First three lines all start out small, and then the rest start with capitals. It's not particularly jarring; as it doesn't throw me off while reading, but! maybe it will help to keep things a bit uniform.

A typo also noticed was this:

>> Memory's Memories of joy forever pass

And then there's the use of punctuation - some lines end with periods, some with comma, and then others without, which - while reading out loud - means I cannot pause or take a breath. However, this can make a few areas confusing to the reader. For instance this section:

Back in 1963
Young Jimmy had to pee
Stood by that tree while he pulled a coin
Biting it with mischief, a youthful decree.
Bent to the side, left a lasting mark,
Little did he know, it would embark
On a journey, against a tree it did embark,

If we are following your use of commas, it would seem fitting that one should be placed after 1963. However, I do like it the way it reads...until you get to the last two lines where I loose the flow there a bit. This continuous use of commas affects the next few lines as well. Commas tell me to pause while reading, and when I do that, the rhythm is lost.

You have a gift for poetry, and I hope you continue to hone your skills in the craft.

Write on!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

73

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4533200

Review of Goosebumps, Sonny And Cher, And A Light

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Angus

! I will be reviewing your story

Goosebumps, Sonny And Cher, And A Light

(E)
A Brief Visit From A Loved One
#2213123 by Angus

Whoa! This was quite the story, I must say.

I kept thinking this was fiction, but then the interjections of your real life happenings was like a slap to the face. This is definitely non-fiction.

I realize this was based off a prompt for Writer's Cramp, but in a way, I'm glad you decided to share this story with us. It opens up a door into your life - your childhood to be exact - and we get a glimpse of how growing up in the 70s with only your father must have been. Though it seems almost weird to say how sorry I am for your mother's loss after all these years, your story brings her to life all over again.

First off, I like the description of the 'fort' - every (or at least most) children have that special place they call their own, and you manage to bring the reader into that tiny room with you. It's clear you had affection for your father, but that affection is manifested tenfold with your mother especially with what you experience that night. I'm glad your father did not scoff or mock your observations because such things can affect a child quite negatively.

Your mention of other moments where you have experienced some supernatural elements might be considered odd to some, but you do not make it campy or ridiculous. It's even eerie how your friend was able to guess her name!

So, while reading - me being Ms. Nitpick noticed just one little typo below:

>>I look back on this now and I think a lot (of) people

Otherwise, this was quite an emotional read. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

74

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4533190

Review of A lifelong journey

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello Sumojo

! I will be reviewing your poem

A lifelong journey

(13+)
A romantic poem
#2213108 by Sumojo

Awww what a sweet poem! Truly romantic indeed.

It's a story woven into poetry; the tale of two young people falling in love all those years ago, the life they led since then and the grand finale of what the future holds or will hold for them.

The first stanza poses a question, not just to the narrator and her loved one, but to the reader. What really is one's definition of love? Perhaps the poem will let us know.

I like your allusion to the famous story by Shakespeare in the second stanza. I'm sure most of us are aware of who those two characters are, and I'm glad it helps to paint a picture of the kind of meeting our narrator and her loved one had. The last line was quite funny about the pill not having been invented yet. I'm surprised there was no 'accident'!

Another favorite section was the lines about running her fingers through his hair but now that hair is no longer there. Shows just how much time has passed and all they've achieved with their children, dogs, and escapades around the world.

The last stanza is quite poignant with their relationship compared to the leaves of a tree and its eventual withering. The inevitable will happen when they'll have to say their goodbyes, but until then, they'll always have each other.

There were just a couple of errors noted that I point out below. You're welcome to use or ignore as deem fit:

>>Like Romeo and Juliette (Juliet) when we first met

>>Sexual tension, led to frustration.
(you do not need a comma there)

>>We were joined by many on (in) this life

If you wish to see more about my corrections you can check out "A Guide to Punctuation"

Overall, a lovely piece to tug the heartstrings. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

75

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4533167

Review of Devoured

Review by iKïyå§ama

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hallo Charlie ~

! I will be reviewing your short story

Devoured

(18+)
Kate is finally released. Ah, it feels good to be sane. What could possibly go wrong?
#1979155 by Charlie ~

Oooh, I love stories of the creepy-crawlie side of things! So, let's dive into this shall we?

The story starts out innocently enough; our narrator appears to be going on a journey/trip with someone we discover is her sibling. Further reading details that our narrator isn't as 'normal' as society might want her to be. She circles between dealing with paranoid thoughts (or hallucinations) and the righteous doubts (and frustrations) of her companion.

You do a good job voicing her distress and making the reader empathize with her plight. We are almost desperate to hope she's right and that all she's been through is nothing more than an unfortunate side effect of her treatments.

However, the true horror comes with what she encounters in her search for the truth. Your description of her terrifying experience is very well done, and it's easy to picture everything as we read on.

I'm not sure if I can say the ending was an expected twist - because I was really expecting that whole incident to be real - but it is actually quite a depressing finale. And seems to bring everything back to the beginning (in some weird way).

Overall, it was a very interesting read and did keep me on the edge of my seat. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .