Writing is okay, but you could use some more prose to balance out the lesson and make it seem less didactic. I don't mean balance is terms of offering both sides of the view bit balance between dialogue and description.
Also, Mike forgot to mention that thoughout history Jesulalem and it's surrounds has ChangEd hands numerous imes with more hen one party believing it is it's homeland. His is henreal cause of he strife, and the reason why the Jews will not relocate to Nebraska.
E
Ive never read poetry as review before. Well done, I liked it. I only have the one query
Should it not be stereotyped and not stereotype? Or was this on purpose?
It's called having a strong moral compass. Perhaps a mantra of "I'm not angry, I am frustrated" could help too.
It's obviously a personal situation you are dealing with, but I think this paragraph could use some work.
"Mainly because of what usually triggers my anger explosion. unfairness. people acting so selfishly wrong towards an issue that can be easily solved if they let go of their stronghold on their ego for a split second and take their eyes off the mirror for a while."
Also, more opportunities to add the phrase "I have anger management issues" would cement the theme and give your work a poetic feel. Poetic-feeling pieces reflect anger-pieces well.
These are really good. They read like journalistic character studies and wouldn't be out of place in one of the glossy magazines inserted into the Sunday papers. (at least, here in Australia they are glossy covered inserts. I'm unsure if America shares the same taste in magazine inserts in her Sunday paper!)
If you're not submitting articles in this style, you should be.
Examples:
I was a different person now, to back then, of course.
was is past tense but now is present tense.
It should be:
I am a different person now, to back then, of course.
Also, in this part:
When you're staring down the muzzle of a laser cannon, you didn't stop to ponder if the creature holding it agreed with your views on economic policy and social responsibility.
/didn't/ should be /don't/
It's a nice piece though, well done, very melancholy.
That's a very good poem. Very rousing. If you haven't already, you should submit it to some educational websites/magazines. I remember reading poems like that in my school textbooks/magazines when I was a young lad.
Nice. Very nice. My only suggestion is to mention that not only did they not have radios, they actually had to wind up telephones. I found myself thinking "hang on, I'm sure they had radios." but then I remembered those wind up telephone contraptions they had. It would add some authenticity to the piece with such a cool old time gadget!
That's quite an exciting blurb you've written and I'm lookingforward to reading this.
I did notice two mistakes though, of which I have rendered in bold for you.
"Garen is sets out to stop the three men from lighting the powerful and dangerous Lighthouse; on his journey, he meets many knew friends and face even more enemies, "
You're lucky that your premise sounds so interesting, as any mistakes this early might scare potential readers off. Especially on a longer work.
Firstly, this has great potential. It's got a great setting, youve setup a nice little plot and you've developed your writing style nicely around an action orientated plot.
I'm only going to offer 2 suggestions for improvement but they are important ones. It's okay to have 8 characters but to pull it off you need to have the 1 POV character from the start. This doesn't mean follow the guy around to the exception of all else, it means give us someone to focus on.
Secondly, don't wait until a character says someone's name to start callin that character by his name in the exposition. With so many characters it gets confusing and a little annoying. Give us their names or don't ever give us their names.
I would have given this piece another .5 if only you had have padded out the dialogue.
It was a great little story, a nice little one about Santa and a grown man. I liked how Pappy was an older gent but not bitter and never doubted the existance of the man in red.
All this story really needs (besides a comb over on some of the basic spelling and grammar mistakes) is some of the paragraphs like this one to be fleshed out with actual dialogue. This would give it the immediacy it is lacking:
"Pappy picked up the mike and said Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk can you hear me. At first he heard no one came back and then again he heard “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is Santa Claus." Once again Pappy tuned the transceiver a little better and said Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk. This time he heard Kitty Hawk this is Santa Claus can you hear me. Finally Pappy thought he can hear me. Pappy went back, Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk I can hear you loud and clear. Santa came back and said this wind through us off course and I don’t have any idea where we are and my navigation system is not working well. Pappy went back and said Santa this is the USS Kitty Hawk, Master Chief Petty Officer Jesse (Pappy) Egan here, we will light up the sky’s and see if we can’t get you on our navigation. Santa just responded please hurry."
Also, I am running a writing competition with big prizes. I've given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Decembers detailed writing prompt comp has a crime noir theme. It's set in a Chinese restaurant and features a fortune cookie that sparks off a chain of events. Events decided by YOU! This month's minimum word count is only 300 words and there is still DAYS to compete!
"Due to the nature of its business, the Shop couldn't afford to own an A.I.--which could be hacked by government spies--so it had a live bartender serving drinks behind a barrier of dirty, energy-resistant glass. "
This is a great idea. I'm not sure about the word choice in relation to "afford" though. Coupled with "own" - it gives the impression that the Shop is not doing too well financially. When in fact, you mean that by the clandestine nature of the shop's other business it would be too risky to use an A.I that could be hacked. A quick fix might even just be "ill-afford". It takes the financial connotations out of the picture. Less jarring for the reader and all.
" Several psychologists could probably tell her exactly what was wrong with her, but Athenais had always put a gun between their eyes before they could finish.
She didn't want them to ruin the surprise. "
Another great line/paragraph.
I really enjoyed this story. You have a nice turn of phrase, very witty without seeming forced. Keep up the good work!
Also, I am running a writing competition with big prizes. I've given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Decembers detailed writing prompt comp has a crime noir theme. It's set in a Chinese restaurant and features a fortune cookie that sparks off a chain of events. Events decided by YOU! This month's minimum word count is only 300 words and there is still DAYS to compete!
It's a bit hard to judge/review without that first chapter. It's hard to get a feel for Daniel's metamorphosis and it's hard for the reader knowing that they are missing parts of the story.
As a chapter 2, you wouldn't need to begin with "Daniel Chin was..." as we would already know him. As it is, we have to cycle through 3 pages of your book to get to this chapter, so by now we already know who Daniel Chin is even though we haven't touched a morsel of your actual story.
The structure of your writing is very sound. The technical part is all in place - which is great for you. You have that stuff down pat obviously and can get down to the business of telling your story.
I think you've done very well with the human/A.I conflicts in Daniel's personality. You've described them very well. No melodrama and convincing expositions.
Are you constricted by space/word limits? If not, taking a little bit of the telling out (an overated piece of criticism, I know) in the following paragraph can add to the tension and really let us know how powerful and powerfully conflicted Daniel is.
"Daniel felt the UEP Guardians breach the outer perimeter--- his logical brain told him he should execute the plan, incinerate the outer area and plunge this human girl into the reservoir. Instead, he froze--- standing still in a perpetual loop of indecision and doubt."
You can take us right there and show us those guys and still have Daniel's thought patterns on the same track. By bringing us right up to the threats like these guys we will start to feel worried for Daniel. Whether we want to or not. Make us feel for him.
Also, I am running a writing competition with big prizes. I've given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Decembers detailed writing prompt comp has a crime noir theme. It's set in a Chinese restaurant and features a fortune cookie that sparks off a chain of events. Events decided by YOU! This month's minimum word count is only 300 words and there is still DAYS to compete!
I'd like to be able to see the details on the cover better. Seeing as this is a frontispiece and not the actual piece, a bigger image would not distract from the actual story.
Nice writing, you nailed the voice of a lovecraftian/edwardian scientist-type. Even the setting was nicely myserious in that "all of england and all things edwardian are spooky" manner.
My only suggestion is that instead of having the narrator cut off so abruptly - and so clueless - it might add some needed tension by having him fearful of his cat in the first place. Maybe the cat is scratching to get in to begin with.
I am also running a writing competition with big prizes. Ive given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you {username:Complexity}. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme. There's still five days to get cracking and this months minimum word count is 300 words.
I really got into the visuals of this. Very cinematic. There were some nice phrases used.
The end didnt really do it for me though. It was a little anti-climactic. I was also confused by the Princes wish not being granted. If the witch tricked him, you need to make it more obvious to us
I'm giving it 4, because the scope of the pieces imagination was worthy of an extra .5.
Awww. Now, that's so sad. I really felt for you with this one. Good luck. There's always something good around the corner waiting for you. Some wait longer then others, true. But things really do get better.
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