Could do with some serious proof reading but seriously, really good writing.
You really capture Glorys voice well. Can't say Ive read much 2nd person PoV stuff and never saw the point in trying it myself. But after reading this, and seeing how well it worked, I definitely something I'm going to experiment with now.
I thought your dialogue was spot on. Malfoy and Hagrid were completely different characters. Really good job.
That's officially the scareiest poem I've ever read. Great work, I thought you exEcuted that very well. The hospital scene was especially well done. Could have been quite jarring to the flow but it quickly sucked me in again.
Nice writing. Very good technical writing which is great for you - you get to focus on the ideas of writing for the rest of your life and not the mechanics like the rest of us! ;)
The two viewpoints don't work in this piece, not because "you shouldn't have two viewpoints" but because you've got all around the wrong way for the characters.
Nick is the one who just wants to run and is trying to be tough and survive - but he talks, and talks and we see inside his whole head. Eleanor is the one just wants to talk and have someone be with her and survive as a team - but her veiwpoint piece is the insular one.
I think if you revamped it with those viewpoints switched around people would be responding with reviews of "I don't normally like 2 viewpoints in a story that switch all the time, but this one /really/ works. "
I also run this writing prompt challenge. There's still time to enter and win. Even if only 1 person enters I still award the prize. I'm crazy like that ;)
There's an awkwardness to the initial prose that I like. I would hazad a guEss that some folks will tell u not to begin your story with such a foreign sounding city name. I like it though. It works exactly because of your next sentence about Ahmed agar being a modern city. The way you have phrased it is perfect. It works.
I am running a writing competition with big prizes. Ive given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you {username:Weirdo}. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Nice one - farts are always funny! My only suggestion is that I would have liked to have seen more interaction from the crowd, ESP from the crowd when the faeries started dying. Maybe a few near misses leading up.
You also may like to check out the writing prompt competition I'm running. 10000 gift points and inclusion in an ebook are up for grabs
What a great story! I do have to ask why you put the numbers in. I know it'sfor the 54 excuses but it /really/ interfered with the flow of the story. I must admit I ended up skipping over a lot of them. Something I don't think I would have done otherwise.
Perhaps you could ediit this page to include 2 versions of the story - the one without numbers and bolded phrases first (1)
That's really good. I really liked this line:
"Clyde swipes a paw in his direction and for a moment I would rather go to prison than abandon this toy lion."
I liked the way you made both the narrator and the psychologist sinister but the narrators crime ends up showing him as a victim.
Your style and ability to write is demonstrated well in this story. I do feel that the story structure could do with some tightening. The I don't like Monday's riff and scene could easily start the story off, even melded with the dog anecdote (which is an important motif to your tale). If your intent is to offer a mystery about who actually killed the girl then you may have played your hand to late.
Lastly, I'm not actually positive what happened in the end? Did the DA believe the police woman or did he get the murderess pregnant?
Like I said though you have a very nice style and some considerable skill.
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