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You have the ability to create word pictures with your imagery. The romanticised idea of love and sex are very vivid in this poem.
I do have a few suggestions as far as punctuation and one or two other problems I found.
1. The lines The cool breeze of a summer day
brushes against our heated skin.
might be more acturate if you use skins rather than skin. Two people, as shown by the pronoun our, wouldn't share the same skin.
2. A period or semicolon is needed at the end of line three to keep from having a run-on sentence.
3. A comma is needed at the end of line five, but not one at the send of line six.
4. A period or semicolon is also needed at the end of line nine. Even in poetry be sure that sentence structure is correct.
5. A comma is needed at the end of line twelve to keep the next line from being a fragment.
6. The end of line seventeen needs a semicolon or period, again to avoid a run-on sentence.
7. The last two lines are a fragment, and they seem unfinished. I'm not sure how you might want to revise them, but as they are, they stop the flow of the poem, rather than providing a smooth end to it.
I'm impressed with your word craft and look forwarding to reading more of your work.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find a home for your writing, as I have. If I can be of help, please let me know.
This poem (and I would suggest that you label it poetry rather than other) has much imagery, vivid word pictures. I like the use of poetic devices, and alliteration is one of my favorites. The sky flashes red,
illuminating mortal memories.
Although I prefer poetry with needed punctuation, since that helps the reader understand where ideas begin and end, I like the punctuation to used correctly. You have a few glitches, some which affect sentence structure.
The first stanza hasn't any errors. The second has a few: The first line is a fragment as is the second line. Perhaps change the period at the end of the first line of that stanza with a comma and another comma at the end of line three.
I'm not sure what you mean in stanza two in line four. How can ahead be final or not final?
In the last line, a semicolon is needed after gone, rather than a comma.
You have shown some excellent poetry writing ability.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you are finding yourself around the site without a lot of trouble. I also hope you find a home for your writing, as many of us have.
This essay has some funny sections. You weave humor throughout, giving some interesting examples and information.
I'm approaching this essay as the English teacher I once was. I hope the suggestions I give will help you polish this writing, since this could be an excellent finished product when revised.
1. Please check spelling, especially words pronounced the same but spelled differently, such as there and their. You have their when you mean "if there is a God." It's means it is while its means belonging to it.
2. Watch your sentences carefully. Be sure that they aren't run-on (sentences joined incorrectly) or so long and rambling that the reader is lost. An example is the following sentence: As a man I am writing to tell you that yes it is true, we are brain-damaged, but the thing you must understand is that it comes with the territory, or the chromosome; we can’t help it.
You might break this into as many as three sentences:
As a man, I am writing to tell you that, yes, it is true. We are brain-damaged, but the thing you must understand is that it comes with the territory, or the chromosome: We can't help it.
Just one possible suggestion, and you have many sentences needing help.
3. The formatting needs some work. At least double space between paragraphs so that the reader can more easily tell where one ends and the next begins.
4. I found this essay humorous once I got into it, but the first paragraph almost caused me to back out without reading further. I'm sure you were trying to be humorous, but the slams were a bit overdone.
5. One suggestion that might help you with some problem areas would be to read your essay aloud, or have someone else read it aloud to you.
6. As I stated before, this essay could be excellent with some work. One thing that makes an essay excellent rather than just good is when each point is supported. You give some rather interesting examples to help support your view, but maybe a few facts mixed in would make the item more powerful.
Again, welcome to the site. If you polish and revise this, please notify me. I'd like to see what you've done with it.
Okay, I did give this a 1.0, but it's almost a good poem as it winds it's way toward the end. It does show lots of creativity.
Why don't you take this idea and work it into a really good poem after the contest is over? I like the idea of a cat falling in love with s skiier on TV.
This poem has a powerful message, and the imagery is vivid and strong. I enjoyed reading it, and it spoke to my heart and mind.
I like that you use punctuation in your poetry. The correct usage helps a reader better understand what the poet means. However, there are a few minor glitches. For example, And in time, passing too needs a comma after passing.
Blood red should be blood-red.
In the lines, She’s heard the girls all talk about
How he broke her heart.
The use of her in the second line is confusing. The only female used singularly before the use of the pronoun her is the wind.
Anyone who doesn't subscribe to the Writers' Circle Newsletter, "WC Newsletter Feedback and Submissions" , should. Each issue covers a different aspect of writing, each from a different perspective. This issue is interesting with a different topic than any before.
A few minor typos are present, but they do not distract from the editorial and the depth of the subject matter.
An interesting poem, Harry. We all understand exactly what you describe, like Robert and I waited at the emergency room for over four hours last night. We wait, for there is no choice. You visulize the system well.
I think you're missing a word "be" in the following lines: sharing an experience never
to shared again together.
In We all wait to have the medical technologist
call our name to have our lab work done.
Do we all share the same name? Perhaps names should be used.
What an enjoyable poem, Harry. The ending was just perfect. I needed a chuckle to brighten my day.
I really have problems when I read, "It was" or "it whatever" when there is nothing for "it" to refer back to. The town was a small rual town lets the reader know what it is. It was a beautiful day (which wasn't in your poem, I know) can be better written as the day was beautiful. It is a personal pronoun and requires an antecedent.
In a few places the he's and him's became confusing, for example in this line A policeman took him to his house. At first I wondered if the policeman took the drunk to the policeman's house. You might look at these glitches. By re-reading, a person can figure it out.
The picture presented by the words of this slice of life glimpse is vivid and sad. The young woman in the piece would have to be extremely discouraged and depressed to view herself thus.
The one thing that distracted me was her mentioning "all" the things wrong with her, yet only two are really covered at all.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you have found a home for your writing, as many of us have.
The imagery and message of this poem is powerful. I agree that the answer is His care.
I'm one of those people who prefers the use of needed punctuation in poetry. It keeps thoughts and ideas for running together and allows the reader to know which do go together.
I would have like to see more about the lost friendship. You start with good imagery concerning the loss, but then it's as if the loss becomes a side thought. Yes, how you survive the loss is important, but I think you leave that too quickly. Maybe if you don't want to add more, you should change your brief description and title.
Antoher well executed poem, Harry. I believe you found your muse again. The emotion and imagery of your words strike the reader's mind with power and impact.
I only have one suggestion. In the line Doing your duty the day demands, I think their would work better than your. Your breaks the flow by inserting the reader, unless you put that line in " ".
Ahh, Harry, this poem brought a tear to my eye. How well I remember our dog who forced himself to come when I called him; although he had gone off to die. I cried when he begged to go back outside to the peaceful place he had found. We could do nothing less than grant his last request.
This tribute to you friend is filled with the emotion and love felt by both of you.
Ahh, Eliot, another of your vividly painted imagery pictures gives shudders and goosebumps. You know how to grab a reader (or listener) and thrust him/her into your word portraits.
The fact that this poem is one, very long, compound complex sentence hurts, in my opinion, rather than helps the flow and attention level of the reader.
Also, a title above its item does not need to be underlined, or in quotation marks.
I enjoyed the powerful vision and emotions evoked with this poem.
I enjoyed this satire very much. Bit by bit the clues led me to the results revealed in the end, very clever.
I have a few suggestions for improving some of the sentences and punctuation. Rather than using a double quotation mark inside a quotation, a single should be use: 'A' for example.
In Although single minded in his effort, having been programmed to guard, to alarm and on the rare occasion necessary, to attack, he was not limited to mere duties of a Sentry, nor did he really think of himself as just a guard a comma is needed after "alarm" and after "and." I'm not sure but what I would divide that sentence into at least two sentences to avoid confusion.
This story was quite interesting, if a bit different from your usual.
The message in this article is true and presented with power. With polishing and fine tuning, it would be ready to be published.
I'd suggest you not use all capitals even in your title. All caps are the same as yelling.
Please be sure to capitalized correctly in your writing. The pronoun I is always capitalized whether the first word of a sentence or anywhere else within the sentence.
Double spacing between paragraphs makes reading easier. You can double space, indent the first line of each paragraph, or both.
If you know someone who knows grammar well, please have him/her do a complete edit. You have several rather serious glitches that need to be repaired, such as incorrect sentences, verb forms that aren't correct, and some spelling problems.
I hope you can revise and improve this article so that it can be well-written enough to match the message.
I've sent numerous query letters, and I learned as I went. You have written a helpful and knowledgable article. It is filled with the information writers need, yet the material is easily understood and used.
I have no suggestions for improving this. The article is professional and well-written.
Oh, Kenzie, how I understand. I can remember when I could go all day and into the night. I ran after three children, had a huge garden, and helped with the rabbits, chickens, and hogs. I would dress 300 fryers in three days and still provide three meals for the family. Ummm, I think that was me.
I understand the fibro fog and the pain. At least no one says I can still work. I worked for nearly 20 years after my doctor asked me if I was ready to quit. There's nothing left now.
A Haiku supposedly gives a glimpse of nature in those three lines, and yours does. You also work in a constrast between the first and last lines, one that works in imagery and meaning, leaving a beautiful word portait behind.
I have no suggestions for improvement. I like this just the way it is.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I'm glad to see you are having fun.
What a delightful flash-fiction piece. You gave us a complete story in less than 300 words, and the story was interesting.
My suggestion is just that, a suggestion: The very first sentence, your hook, could have been more of a hook. It seemed a bit long and information packed to start.
I really liked this item. I hope to ready more of your work, so hurry and post some more.
This poll is interesting. Some of the results caused me to say, "Huh?" though. If someone doesn't like something or hate it, why stay if he has a choice?
I will probably be here until I'm forced to leave because of the friendships made, the help and encouragement for my writing, and the opportunity to share what I've learned the hard way over the years.
The management of this site is the best to be found, and in so many ways, the most knowledgable.
This article has an interesing amount of information. I've never heard of animals being allowed in the passenger compartment of a plane unless they are assistant dogs, such as guide dogs.
I don't think I'll be transporting animals by plane, though.
You might want to check your spelling, even in your title and brief description: Mans isn't a word while man's means belonging to man; lets is a verb meaning allow while let's means let us. There are other misspelled words.
I would suggest you spell out numbers under 100 unless it's the number of a flight or a date.
Thank you for sharing the information you gathered the hard way, by experiencing them.
I like the message of this poem. You managed to put much into poetic form.
You start with the appearance, the form, of a poem, but then it seemed to change to paragraphic formate. A bit of line revision would fix the problem. Using the following lines as an example, I'll give a suggestion for making them more in poetry format - just a suggestion:
Finally evacuated, the city lies
wounded, empty and flooded.
Its streets are deserted, save for
police, troopers, and soldiers.
The dead are gathered. No time
for mourning. There are levees
to be repaired;
Finally evacuated,
the city lies wounded,
empty, and flooded.
It's streets are deserted,
save for police, troopers, soldiers.
The dead are gathered.
No time for mourning.
There are levees to be repaired;
You manage to put the news into poetic form again.
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This short item has the foundation for an interesting story. I would like to see it expanded and made into a full-fledged story.
First of all, I'd suggest that you break this long, rambling, run-on sentence into separate sentences.
Okay, I did give this a 1.0, but it's almost a good poem as it winds it's way toward the end. It does show lots of creativity.
