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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
| In life, it isn't how many friends you have that counts. How popular we are ebbs and flows, then wanes as we get older. There are advantages and disadvantages to being around people. They say married people live longer than singles, and I can understand why. Loneliness is not a symptom, it's a cause...a choice in many cases. How many people do we need in our lives to avoid loneliness? That's not a formula, it's an estimate and not an easy number to come up with, let alone maintain. On average, men are more affected by loneliness than women simply because we are not prepared to do what it takes. To stop blaming others for whatever it was that caused our friends to leave and to go out and make new friends. To let go of the hurt and the disappointment. It's too hard to say we are sorry. Much easier to let them go and make new friends later...when they fall into our lap. Friends are overrated anyway. They judge us when we do things that are none of their business. I know that from experience. My friends left because of my need to use meth, but not once did I consider the alternative...that I left them because of my need to take meth. In many ways, we are all the same. We seek out those who share our own values, morals, beliefs and standards. Yet, we are all very different, so these expectations are almost always too high, and we become disappointed when OUR expectations are not met. I can see why people gravitate towards God or a higher being...call it what you will. The only expectation is that YOU remain within the boundaries of your OWN values, morals, beliefs and standards. The only person who can disappoint us is us...and the problem with that is we are hard to leave behind. Drugs and alcohol help us cope for a while, but self-medicating only leads to more problems (DURR), and at the end of the day, we are numb, but still alone. Yesterday, when my neighbour became angry with me, he used his values, morals, beliefs and standards to sentence and ban me from entering his home. In his mind, he did to me what he feared the most, he ostracized me, knowing I was new in town and didn't have many friends here. The only problem with that is, I have been alone for so long I have become comfortable with it. He hasn't been by himself in many years. He would rather pay a girlfriend to stay with him than suffer the horrific loneliness he now wishes upon me. I'm sure the alcohol helps him cope with this fact. He has done a lot for me over the last couple of weeks, and banning me from his life is in his mind (I assume), the worst thing he can do to me. But I consider it to be the most important thing he has done. I've seen it too many times before, where an addict (myself included) will deliberately corrupt another person. To add someone who has their values, morals, beliefs and standards. If he had his way, I would have been drinking, smoking cigarettes and talking about the things he finds entertaining and important on the first day we met. Last night was inevitable. It was always going to be that way. I am too strong for him. No, that's not correct. I am too afraid of him. I have too much to lose by going over there now and trying to repair the friendship (which I know I could do if I wanted) and everything to gain from staying away and finding my own way. I appreciate what he has done for me...he helped me and he did have good intentions. He never intended to do anything to harm me, and if I had succumbed to peer pressure...or more truthfully, my own addictive nature, there would be no one to blame but me. Know your weaknesses.I am not strong enough emotionally to put myself in harm's way. Or maybe it is no longer about strength and more to do with wisdom. I think I need to embrace another contender...I am terrified of becoming chemically dependent again...and I know I would be susceptible to sex addiction as well. A formula for success rather than an easy passage. Neither path is easy. In life, there are no freebies. I must work for sobriety and accept that this will be a never-ending job. But the alternative is worse than any day working towards freedom, and I like the way that sounds. |
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